I haven’t read all the responses.
But yes - ZERO regrets. Very happy with our top 15 public at 1/3 the price.
If you go to http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/categories/parents-forum/ and look under Featured Threads, you will see this thread with the modified title. Presumably, a forum administrator changed it for the listing under Featured Threads, but not in the general list of threads.
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Hmmmm, yes I see that they changed the title ?. Very interesting…
My S20 chose to only apply to a few safeties (our lower Cal State schools) even though he could have aimed a bit higher (decent GPA but lower SAT). But he has ultimately decided to attend community college and then transfer after 2 years. I have had a lot of people raise their eyebrows at this decision. It’s assumed that if he can get into a 4 year school, he should attend. However, he’s not totally sure of major yet and isn’t at all sure he wants to leave home this fall, so community college with a transfer to a UC or better Cal State is the perfect plan for him (despite what others think).
@thedreamydaisy - Thank you… “raised eyebrows” would have been better words for me to use instead of “unpopular” but I am glad that you totally understood what I was trying to convey.
How did you convince your child that they weren’t “settling” on a safety school and that their 4 years of hard work didn’t go for “nothing”? (I think this is a respectable route, but sometimes hard to cope with)
If this was in response to @thedreamydaisy reply #102, it looks like it was the student’s decision to apply to less selective colleges and eventually decide on a community college to start, rather than the parent tearing down student dreams of prestigious schools that have been built up over the years.
@hotsauce240 - Not sure if you were asking someone in particular but we are still awaiting decisions but our 'safety schools ’ are schools that still meet all of the criteria that DD20 wanted in a school from size, location, major, ECs, etc. We toured each and everyone of them and even did fly-ins to make sure that if she applied, was accepted that she was willing to attend. I don’t think you can settle on a place that you like even though you have your eye on a different Prize. Truth and reality is that we do not always get what we want and we have to learn to be happy with an alternate choice at times. I look at my DS09 who graduated from an IVY and is now out in the work force. At his place of employment he is not sitting side by side with just people who graduated from Ivy league colleges.
@hotsauce240 yes, @ucbalumnus is correct. My son chose his own path. I actually wanted him to apply to some privates with merit aid and some UC schools, but he was not interested and we respected his decision. I did encourage him to apply to the 3 Cal State safeties just in case he changes his mind in the next few months, he was OK applying and has 1 acceptance (still waiting on the other 2), but he seems pretty set on community college and happy with his decision.
My daughter wrote one of her college essays on this subject. Essentially saying she did it all for herself because its who she is. She wanted to be challenged and to excel. So she took the hardest schedule she could and graduated first in her class and lead several groups in and out of school. And her college choice was a part of larger goals in her life. An essay that many here no doubt would have despised. Sometime in last two years of high school she found herself and became totally comfortable in her own skin. Tough to imagine being happier for, and more proud of, a child.
It’s so interesting to think about how much states vary in terms of the quality and range of in-state options. Living in RI, we have just URI and RI College as public options. While URI has certain very strong programs (esp marine biology, nursing, and pharmacy) and a lovely campus not far from great beaches, it does not approach the caliber of so many other flagship universities. And RIC has a graduation rate well below 50% and ACT scores 16-20. I guess I am just posting to encourage people to be really appreciative if they happen to live in states that offer a wide range of public options, from top-notch flagships that attract top students, to a range of other options for students to thrive at at all levels in a wide range of majors, and sometimes including technical or other specialty schools. Not every student wants to attend a flagship school with ACT scores 31-34 like UC Berkeley, but URI (the state flagship) has ACT scores of 22-27 which provides a very different top instate academic experience.
On CC, it is so common to read advice that students should just go to their instate public to make things affordable (I guess described here as the unpopular or eyebrow-raising choice); I just wish all students throughout the US had such a rich and appealing array of options for fit as students in select states have. Lucky you if you live in a state with such variety of choice!
I’m allowing DS21 to apply to a school that I cannot possibly pay for if I have to pay full price. I have no idea how much I would have to pay because I have no idea how much money his father has, earns, or plans to contribute. I don’t know how much his father’s parents plan to contribute. I don’t know how much my father plans to contribute, if at all. And I keep reading that some of the tippy tops offer need-based aid at salaries high enough that give me some glimmer of hope, if only mine is factored in.
I can’t see the point of running an NPC given all of these factors. And bringing up the question now will only result in a fight. No thank you.
So my strategy is, let DS21 apply to MIT, and see how things play out. Odds are high it will be a non-issue because he won’t get in. (Okay, maybe not so high, given his potential football hook and his stats). Thankfully, he is a really, really bright kid and has been receptive to our many conversations about this topic since last summer. He gets it. He wants to see what happens, but he says he would be thrilled to attend a Florida school on an NMF full ride. He saw me cry in the kitchen when his PSAT score came in. He knows he’s not going to MIT if the stars don’t align, and he says he is prepared for whatever comes his way.
I am incredibly grateful to have such a great kid. 
What exactly is the “unpopular decision” being referenced by the (original, not modified) title?
Seems like the following commonly attract criticism, but not necessarily universally:
- Choosing a college that is very expensive relative to family financial resources (requiring parent or cosigned loans).
- Avoiding the financial planning before making the application list. ("Just apply and we'll figure out the money after you get admitted.")
- Choosing a college focusing on prestige or ranking to the exclusion of other aspects of a college.
- Choosing a much lower prestige or ranking college than what the student can get admitted to (especially for reasons other than cost).
- Starting the college search with pre-conditions that make it difficult to find colleges that are affordable and likely to admit the student.
- Student choosing a college to follow an SO.
DD did not make the unpopular choice. She attended Harvard It was the best decision of her life. She met amazing people and was given fabulous opportunities. She is in grad school now at Cal. She has frequently commented that she would not have been able to do as much if she didn’t go to Harvard or a similar school
“Choosing a much lower prestige or ranking college than what the student can get admitted to (especially for reasons other than cost).”
Agree, not sure exactly what was being asked, I also thought it was choosing a safety over an affordable college that was more selective and prestigious. Once you bring in cost and choose the safety for affordability, that’s going a popular, and imo, right choice.
I didn’t have to convince my kid that he was settling by going to his cheapest option. In fact, if I’m being honest, he had to convince us that he knew he was making a good decision for himself. We weren’t certain that the college he ended up at was the best place for him, but we also didn’t take into account how pragmatic he is at heart.
He had what my husband and I viewed as better options, all of which were more expensive than the only instate University he applied to. He said, and I quote, “I’m not going to be $25,000 a year happier at a more expensive school.”
We have to give our kids credit for making sensible choices. I fully admit that I felt he should aim as high as possible, as long as he applied to the best schools he had a realistic shot at getting into. So far, his decision has been great for him.
Ok. Well, that’s not really answering the question that @hotsauce240’s question. She wants to know how to handle this if your child isn’t on board and is disappointed to not have elite options because of budget. Anyone who says this isn’t a typical reaction is just lying to themselves. I’m sure there are many, many kids who would feel sad if they worked hard in high school and really wanted to be able to apply to an Ivy or other T20 school but flat out cannot because there’s no way to pay for it. And this would likely make parents feel bad for not being able to give their kids that option. College has gotten so expensive and of course it’s reasonable that many families just can’t save enough but that doesn’t mean it’s some easy situation like “oh I’ll just go to state flagship, Mom, don’t worry about it!”
There’s a lot of emotion around college searches and, if a strong student sees her classmates applying and attending Duke or Cornell, and she can’t even apply, she also may feel like she has to explain why to her friends. And don’t say, well, kids shouldn’t discuss their lists - kids do. It’s not an easy situation at all.
What it IS, though, is an opportunity for growth. Best case scenario is that the parent can commiserate a bit with the student and really see the disappointment. And let that settle in a bit before coming up with a plan. Hopefully, the plan means the student still has a lot of options to choose from and makes the student feel like they are in the drivers seat. And, like everyone has said over and over, this discussion needs to happen early so that the student isn’t faced with it junior year.
The comments about students only getting opportunities because they went to private elites is short sighted. As we don’t have time turners and can’t be in two schools at once, it’s impossible to know how things would have played out elsewhere. A student bright enough to be admitted to HYPS would shine at lower rank school and who knows what kinds of experiences that could have brought.
We have a friend who turned down an LAC that gets lots of love here on CC for a full ride at a very small, fly over state, LAC usually considered a safety. She had much better med school acceptance outcomes than her peers who chose prestige. Parents often underestimate the value of being a big fish in a small pond and all the opportunities that come with that.
@momofsenior1 Agreed. It’s short sighted. But, if you’re in a district where most of the top 10-15% of kids actually go to T20 colleges and LACs, it’s still a departure to not apply to those schools and a student could feel “different”. Of course, a top student at a school like this should excel at another college that’s more affordable. That’s logical and true but we are dealing a social landscape at school that can just make it harder. That’s all I’m saying.
@homerdog- I love this. One of the best, real responses I have seen. Most been in situations where we can not have something that we really wish we could have. It does not mean that the conversations have not been had early on at that should not be on, it just means that emotions are involved.
@homerdog Parents are typically presented with a number of great teaching moments with their kids. This is one of them. As you and others have noted, you need to have realistic conversations with your kids early about finances. If you don’t that is a big fail as a parent.
And one of the jobs of parents is helping kids get through disappointments. Didn’t get the lead in the school musical. Or maybe any part at all. Not in the best band/orchestra. Or first chair for their section. Didn’t start on a given sports team. Got a B in a class or two where they really wanted an A. Girl/boyfriend broke up with them (and they had no date for the prom). Science/robot team didn’t make states/nationals. If your kid had none of those (and no other disappointments up until college selection day) the life less is you are incredibly fortunate. And having the ability to get into an “elite” school (even if you didn’t apply) will carry with it tremendous advantages in life (no matter the name on the top of your degree).
The top 20 or bust view is held by many here. Wouldn’t send our dog to a non-top 20. Silly and dangerous. And wrong. There are many paths to success and none is a guarantee to success. My guess is in families with the top 20 or bust view, the disappointment issue is far greater. What is it the say about making a bed and having to get into it?
FWIW, two of my daughters best friends are in top 20 schools (one at the H one which parents can never have on a sweatshirt or bumper sticker – oh the horrors). And fellow students and even some teachers never understood her college choice. But she did and ultimately that is what matters (that and she is happy and very comfortable with who she is with her dreams since she was 7 or 8 totally in front of her and within grasp).