My S is about to leave graduate school before completion, it’s been a long painful haul. He’s lost his love for the academic subject and is an anxious depressed mess. I support his decision, but I wonder what comes next. I’d love to hear some stories about other people who faced the same decision and what they did afterword. Thanks
I have not dropped out nor has a child of mine (I have one in grad school right now, health professions).
However just reading your post I think the most important thing is your son getting his confidence and emotional health back on track. He is probably drained if he has been unhappy and trying to make this decision.
Is he interested in just finding a job doing something he likes for awhile until he identifies where he’d like to land?
Leaving school (I actually hate the word “drop out” - I suggest avoid using it with him too - it’s such a negative connotation) is not the worse thing here. We THINK it is at the time though! Just the ability to make a “next step” is what is most important - even if “next step” is to take a mental breather for a bit.
Side note: my brother a very smart and gifted writer started grad school decades ago and did not finish - his choice. He is now a pretty notable journalist and has had a wonderful career. That grad school degree was not the key to his happiness or success.
2 Likes
abasket, thanks so much for your astute answer. You’re right about the term “drop out” and I appreciate you pointing out that it carries negative weight. I realize that by using it I was passing a bit of judgement on his situation. We’ve hung in with emotional and financial support for quite awhile, and maybe that prompted him to stay longer than he would have otherwise. He must go, he needs to regain his self confidence and find a more gratifying path.
Thanks for the reference to your brother, I know that my smart able son has much to look forward to.
My good friend left her graduate program before completing her degree. While it has somewhat limited her career in the field (chemistry), she has not regretted her decision.
I left my grad program early, but I was going part time while working, so it didn’t affect me immediately. I never really did anything in life that the degree would have benefited, so I don’t regret my decision.
I was in a prominent PhD program when I unexpectedly became pregnant with my first child. I left for a “year” because this caused life complications in several ways, then planned to return. Other complications put that on hold, and the upshot was I never finished it. I did get an MA out of it, which was enough for me to have a pretty good teaching career, though not the fancy tenure-track, prestigious kind of career I might have had.
I have also developed a side avocation as a writer.
Sometimes I feel bad about not finishing this opportunity, but overall, it has worked out fine for me. This is really just the start of the process, not at all the end.
1 Like
Is your son seeing a counselor? To be honest, I think his mental health is the most important thing to consider at this point.
Depending on the field, leaving graduate school now may prove the wisest decision in the short term and the long run. The pandemic is accelerating a whole lot of changes already under way.
Good luck
eta: I left both law school and a PhD program voluntarily. My time in each program was well spent and the knowledge acquired still enriches my life 40 years later. No regrets.
Mainelonghorn, I have followed your discussions about mental health and I appreciate your input. I have urged him to seek counseling and he actually had 2 zoom sessions (because of pandemic) with a psychologist, but stopped because he didn’t think like her. I don’t know how to get him to go through the process of finding someone else. . Any suggestions? He seems so much more hopeful and happy since he made the decision, maybe he’ll be OK.
MainLonghorn, he spoke to the psychologist when he was trying to get help in the hope of finishing the degree. I think I need to see what happens now that he’s made the decision to leave before really knowing if he’s got ongoing difficulties, but I appreciate any feedback you have.
I’m glad he spoke with someone. Yes, seeing how he does now might be a good idea. Now that the pressure is off, maybe he can move forward.
I think I was probably a lot like your son while looking for employment as an engineer after being laid off in 1990. I just wasn’t happy with the jobs I’d had. I finally confessed to DH how miserable I was, and he agreed I should look for a new type of work. Once I made that decision, I was fine. But it was wrenching getting to that point, since it meant I would be earning less money.
Yes, but it was while I was working … paid for by my employer (classes after work, engineering / systems science). I completed my 5th course and didn’t sign up for any more because we were expecting our first baby. In my case, I don’t think it impacted my career. In some ways, it may have made me more employable when my department had layoffs (twice) and I was able to find work in other divisions.
I do know 2 guys that left full time engineering grad school. It seemed to turn out OK.
I dropped out of my PhD program before completion. I did complete grad school as I have masters degrees. I burnt out on school and working and being a parent, and the degree wasn’t for my then career field so it seemed like the right thing. I do sometimes wish I had finished, but I also know I made the right choice for myself at the time.
Apologies in advance to those who are tired of negative news. And for not being an answer to the question.
It’s difficult to imagine what will happen to universities the next few years. Already some graduate programs have suspended admissions. Research travel is on hold. There are faculty salary cuts and hiring freezes. Some are expecting departments to be eliminated.
These are unprecedented times. Leaving may be the very smartest choice… taking his knowledge and education and figuring out what makes sense in the new economy.
My millennial kids have excellent jobs only peripherally, if at all, related to their graduate degrees. I can only imagine that will be increasingly the case. Their classmates staying in academia are hanging on by their fingertips.
I didn’t finish my grad degree either. My program lost it’s funding and transferring wasn’t an option at the time. It ended up putting me on another career path which I enjoyed for years.
I completed all the course work for my master’s but left without finishing the research for my thesis. I was seven months pregnant and my husband had just accepted a job 1000 miles away, and my research had hit technical difficulties that sapped any desire to continue.
More relevant to your question, my daughter left her PhD program after 2 years due to anxiety. She returned to the city where she had attended undergrad and worked some low level jobs. Eventually she attended a programming boot camp and got a job that she loves, is married to a kind and smart man - bought a house, got a puppy… I know this is very hard for all of you now while he’s going through this, but it can turn out to be for the best.
I have an adult teen who has struggled his whole life with learning and mental health and behavioral challenges. A small tech school with a dorm was fine for the first year but he moved in with friends this summer. He ended up dropping a summer class after a voluntary inpatient mental health stay. And I had to bail him out of jail on labor day (it’s being dropped and more so a misunderstanding with roommates who have their own mental health challenges).
I know its hard to see your kids struggle even though they are adults. Your son hitting pause on school while he figures things out is a very smart thing for him to do. Applaud his self awareness and help him figure out the next best options.
I think that this is common.
Graduate school is very focused on one narrow area. I do not think that it is possible to 100% know that the area is right for you until you jump into it and start digging.
I know someone who got their bachelor’s, started a two year master’s program, dropped out half way through, worked for two years, returned to get a master’s degree in a different field, and did very well in life. “Lost his love for the academic subject” is a very good description of what made this person drop out of the first master’s program. “Absolutely loved it” was his description of his second master’s program, but it took him a few years to figure out what field was the right one. I have heard of people stopping their PhD and taking a master’s and getting a job. I think that this is very normal.
Your son might want to take a few weeks to relax, and then look for whatever jobs are available. Over time he will figure out the right path to take as a next step.
I’ve posted many times about my sons struggles in grad school. What was helpful were 2 summer internships. He also took off a year to work at one of those internships.
My best friend in Boston has an office in Cambridge. His specialty has been working with MIT &harvard grad students, postdocs, and profs. Forgot to mention he is a clinical,psychologist.
Op- big hugs to you.
CC tends to fetishize grad school (how many 16 year olds post here for advice on which EC’s to participate in for their future doctoral program? Yikes!) The real world? Not so much.
The working world is FILLED with adults who are slowly plugging away at a Master’s degree while working full time. The working world if FILLED with adults who took a break from grad school and may or may not go back. And of course, the working world is FILLED with happy and successful professionals who never considered grad school at all.
One of my siblings (two terminal degrees in different fields including a doctorate) said that EVERYONE hates their dissertation by the end- the difference is that the folks who are destined for the field don’t hate their topic until it’s time to write and edit, but the folks destined for something else start to hate it during their research phase.
I think that’s your son (even if he didn’t plan on a PhD). Falling out of love at his stage is likely very common- acting on it sounds like a healthy and mature decision.
What comes next? Counseling for his anxiety. Some time away from his “old” life (even if it’s hanging at a cousin’s house for a few days, recognizing that time away is a precious commodity during Covid). And then starting to read the “What color is your parachute” type stuff to figure out a plan and a direction.
I know you won’t believe me… but there are PLENTY of jobs for people with a college degree! A plain vanilla BA. He just has to figure out what he’d like to do next…
1 Like
Thank you all, your answers have been tremendously helpful for me and he’s making the best choice for himself, whatever comes next.