MOWC-Welcome to JJ! Sorry to hear about being skunked - Yikes! I’ll bet he is in heaven having a home now and people to love him.
sabaray-rant away! I can only imagine your frustration. You have worked so hard to lose weight and be healthy and run a marathon, it must be so difficult to watch your husband continue to self-destruct. It really makes your own accomplishments seem so much more impressive, because it takes so much internal motivation to make those kind of changes when your partner isn’t on board. I am so lucky that my husband committed to the weight loss and getting in shape together with me - I don’t think I would have stuck to it if I had been doing it on my own. I hope you’re able find some peace with the situation, I think you already know there really is nothing you can do to make someone else change who doesn’t want to.
Nrdsb4-sounds like perfect conditions for your ride today, glad you enjoyed it!
Sabaray, your frustration is so understandable. He is slowly killing himself, and that’s painful to see. I have no words of wisdom – he’s got to want to change. The only question I’d ask is if there is some underlying reason why he’s overeating.
The problem I have with my husband – and I’ve complained about it here before – is not how he eats, but how he doesn’t move. He eats pretty well (he rarely goes food shopping, and so we have very little junk in the house), even when traveling for work. But he can easily work from 7 in the morning to 8 at night getting up just once to grab a bite to eat – and sometimes he just noshes on the granola bars in his office. And then he’ll watch TV. His step total could be under 3 digits some days. He has a stand-up treadmill desk which he never uses. I worry about the potentially lethal combination of little exercise, overwork, work stress and work travel. He can’t even find the time in his day to do the 7 minute workout.
In the summer I make him walk whenever he’s home, but now that it’s getting dark out earlier, that will be stopping. In his head he still thinks he’s in shape – he was a great athlete – but it’s beginning to sink in that he’s not.
I just registered for a hiking vacation in Peru – which is why I’ve been making him do high intensity interval training, and even he seems to recognize that he needs to be in better shape for this hike.
I do get your rant, Sabaray. I bugged my H all the time to no avail. I finally gave up and to my great surprise, my H started working on getting in shape. He lost weight–really quickly (made me jealous) but then I didn’t drink 3 martinis every night either. (He quit drinking martinis too.) He also started walking and lost 40 pounds. IMO the desire to make changes needs to be internal. I have no clue what got my H to make a change. I wish I could offer something more concrete so you could help your H. Being an amateur shrink here–but it sounds like food is a way for your H to deal with stress or frustration (work stuff maybe?)
I have a DH in the same boat. Needs to lose 100 lbs and does nothing towards it. He has diabetes, high BP and uses a CPAP. He has no interest in dieting; he will have a big bowl of sorbet (and last night, an additional bowl of ice cream with raspberry sauce). Hos one concession to diabetes has been to eliminate sugared sodas. Uses tons of salt and butter, and goes through a bottle of salad dressing in a week. He hasn’t exercised (except occasional walks with me) in the almost 32 years we have been married. I’m in much better shape than he is, which is a scary thought! When we were in CA this summer, he was pretty limited about how far he could hike. Two miles was about his limit. I did several trails solo while he napped. When I express my concerns, he tells me he’s well-insured. Grr.
S2 is no better – he’s 23 and thinks he can eat what he wants forever, and then gets upset when I don’t eat his food (which is delicious). He’s 6’4’ and 270, so not exactly without weight issues himself. Did Tae Kwan Do at college, but nothing since he’s come home.
I’m up 15 lbs and am freaking out (still down 85, but I feel fat fat fat).
It’s hard for me to understand why H won’t make himself a priority. I know what makes him stressed - our son - but work may be a part of it as well; there have been a lot of changes operationally that his location is a pilot for. I don’t nag him about diet/exercise; but this morning seeing the empty containers in the trash that were intended to be my lunch this week - I just wanted to clobber him! He can eat perfectly well during the day, but when he’s bored at night that’s when the eating seems to start. I keep reminding him of our trip to Vancouver and am hoping that will provide a bit of a push in the right direction. It’s helpful to know I’m not the only one with a challenging spouse!
Sorry you are frustrated Sabaray. I get that way with D1. She is an awesome athlete but gets lazy when she isn’t around H and I. She moved in with her boyfriend last winter and probably gained 30 pounds. She has now lost 12 as she started back to running but she needs to keep it up. I am glad she will be back home for a bit as boyfriend sold his house. She will eat healthy here and I keep her honest on her workouts. I wish you luck in getting your H to have an epiphany and start moving.
6.25 miles on recumbent bike and 2.5 on dreadmill. Put some time in working with weights: shoulders, chest, back, biceps, triceps. Chipping away at the weight! Trying to continue a workout streak .
It is not funny, but Sabaray, I can SO relate to the empty containers! A couple of weeks ago I made some bacon for weekend breakfast - I always cut the slices in half so if you are eating 4 “slices”, that is really only 2 whole slices cooked. I served out his portion which he was happy to get and told him I was running an errand before I ate mine - which was still in the kitchen. 30 minutes later I go to get mine? Gone. He knew it was mine but it was THERE and he just couldn’t stop himself! I was SO angry!
This weekend I went to the basement freezer to bring up an unopened Costco vanilla ice cream I knew I had down there because S and his friend were stopping by. I pulled it out of the freezer…3/4 gone!!! What?! You keep a spoon in the basement!!? So frustrating.
Sometimes you have to laugh because otherwise you get so mad, right?!
No fair that those spouses get us buff chicks (or dudes) and they aren’t holding up their end!!!
You are being a great model. You are doing many healthful things but also being an example of “real living” meaning that sometimes you indulge as well - the key - which I’m sure you show - is that indulging is temporary rather than the rule and that it is also counterbalanced with a healthy dose of fitness. No way around it, we only get older, it only gets harder to stay fit and healthy.
So much better to do it willingly rather than to get a bad/sad wake up call.
So happy you were able to adopt Mr. JJ! Welcome, old pup Ugh to the skunking.
I sent a note to idad, too. No response. I do hope he is okay. After so many years it seems unusual that he would just depart.
How frustrating, Sabaray. It’s so hard to watch someone near and dear do harm to themselves. Although my husband has done fairly well with his health (the hard lessons of 4 years ago have kept him motivated), he has difficulty now, imo, with a few things resulting in some backsliding: traveling–especially overseas with co-workers, the occasional treats (occasions have become more and more frequent), and portion control. He doesn’t like to be hungry. He’s also had problems off and on with his back and a sciatic nerve flair-up. The injuries and the need to sleep-in a bit longer have caused him to drop the morning walk/workout I think were so good for him. Criticizing or even trying to make helpful suggestions usually backfires. I sympathize, Sabaray.
I have 25 lb to lose to be at upper range of BMI that doc wants me at. I have a goal that will help me get there. Between monitoring my intake and getting more exercise.
My dietitian’s 1400 cal/day plan includes just 3 fruits. 18 grapes is 1 fruit; a small banana is 1 fruit.
I know I have trouble with my limited portions.
My H at 6’3" had such a high metabolism in our 20’s that he could eat a gallon of ice cream a week and not gain weight. He is now between 200 and 215 or so; he is able to run some (if it is a good day, 5 mi). He stops when his knees ache. He is pretty disciplined on not eating much during the day, but comes home hungry from work - so I fix a good meal, and he still can eat trail mix and other snacks.
Good luck to all who are working hard at weight loss, and hope the spouses that need an awakening will get motivated too.
Had to chuckle about the skunking! The old JJ still has some gunpowder in his guns if he is interested in going after skunks.
It can be really devastating to watch a person you deeply care about self-destruct! Hang in there, sabaray, and do come here to vent and get some encouragement. You mentioned that the bingeing on food begins when your H gets home after work… Is there some sort of a distracting yet relaxing activity he can get immersed in to get him off the mindless eating? Did he give up on the exercise because he is self-conscious about his overweight looks? Does he not like to spend time on the “set up”? Mr. would never sign up for a gym membership (oh, those are for people who have some free time!), but he joins me in the exercise room on his recumbent bike - pedals it for miles while I run on the treadmill. That cheap yet functional bike was our second best purchase (the treadmill was first).
The frustration so many of you are feeling with the self-defeating behavior of your spouses is palpable. It’s particularly difficult to effectuate change with a spouse. Oftentimes the psychological and emotional dynamics and constancy of close and intimate relationships make it difficult to achieve effective behavior change without it feeling either to your spouse or to you like you are trying to control or micromanage your spouse’s daily life. And there are times where natural feelings of anger or fear interfere with effectively assisting a spouse to change. I’ve been there on both those counts.
Below are some articles that discuss various aspects of behavior change theory and practice as applied to health and fitness. Some of it may elicit a big “duh”, some of it may seem a bit too theoretical, some of it may seem a bit contrived. Hopefully, though, some of it will provide some thought provoking concepts and tips about approaches you can take in addressing your situations.
I am supposed to run 55 minutes today, but my legs are still tired and a little achy from my long run on Sunday, so I decided to put it off until tomorrow.
Excellent Pilates session this morning; really working on flexibility and stretching as I have just gotten so tight everywhere. Starting to think ahead to 2016 and goals for the year since that keeps me motivated!
Getting ready to head out and it’s still so dark outside - aargh. Tough to get the miles in & still make it to work on time when the sun refuses to come up!
Seriously though - I put a lot of thought into my personal fitness and wellness goals for an upcoming year. One year my goal was to stop eating fast food - now I think it’s been almost three years since I ate anywhere with a drive-through. Frankly I don’t even want to anymore! I’m a very goal-oriented person. Next year I’d like to improve my half and full marathon times, so I need to think of strategies to improve while avoiding injury. That might take some planning and thinking and I find if I wait until the holidays, I start the year without a plan and I’m just off on the wrong foot.
Good for you, sabaray! I’m sort of tapering for my half marathon this Saturday, so did 2 miles this morning and might do a little more after work.
My son is trying to make a comeback after a tough 2014/15 following his hip surgery in Dec 2013 after the Ironman. He won a mountain bike duathlon (run/bike/run) on Sunday. It wasn’t a huge one, but it’s a good confidence booster and test of fitness.
Fingers crossed for him, MOfWC! A much needed confidence booster after such a traumatic setback, indeed.
Sabaray, I am with you. I love to plan. I think my goal will be working on hills endurance. I can power walk (quite fast!) the steepest hills in my town - I need to learn how to run them.
My power walking on a steep hill is faster than my running- MOWC, what are your suggestions for proper technique on a hill climb? The faster women in my group take short, almost choppy steps up the hill - is that what one is supposed to do?
I wish you luck in getting your H to have an epiphany and start moving.
