<p>I didn’t want to go off topic for the when do kids become adults for Christmas presents but when I read the title I thought of this problem</p>
<p>When do your kids become adults/guests in the family home so that they don’t get scolded?</p>
<p>I know my knee jerk answer is when their parents die. And that is true for my mom today, my home or hers doesn’t matter. But with THAT example, I am more conscious of trying to make other choices.</p>
<p>For the record mine are 23 (grad school) and 21 (sr in college) and were home for TG.
DD kept saying she wanted to study … but didn’t. I really had to go for the duct tape to shut my mouth to not “remind” her to study. I did flat out tell her to pick up her collection of plates around the sofa AND NOT LEAVE any more there… I would NEVER have said that to a guest.</p>
<p>DS played with the candle at dinner; knocked the glowing wick off and didn’t dowse it right away. When I took the tablecloth off to wash it today, I see little burn holes. Should I mention it to him or NOT? I’d never mention it to a guest. OTOH, I don’t see very many guest playing in the candle either! But a stain might “just happen”. </p>
<p>both left to go back to their respective schools to study today. I want them to come home again.
if it matters, this is the only house they ever lived in (not counting dorms/apartments). so it is Home with that capital H home for them.</p>
<p>Well, yes, I’m with kluge. I have a 28 yo and a 23 yo (almost 29 and 24) and I still tell them what help I need around the house when they are here like for a holiday. But the homework? your D’s problem. But keeping plates picked up? Yes, you say something. And BURNING a tablecloth playing with a candle? That’s something a 10 yo would do-MAYBE. Not only would I say something, I’d have the kid paying me for a new tablecloth!</p>
<p>I don’t think it matters how long a kid has lived in the same house-there’s a level of respect needed. And sometimes we still have to “be the mommy” at them. Life decisions are theirs unless they ask.</p>
<p>We once had the pleasure of hosting a Broadway producer in our home. He was classy, sophisticated, a personal friend and mentor to our kids. At the party, he accidentally walked through a closed patio screendoor, ripping a 7-inch gash with the toe of his shoe. He certainly noticed, and quietly slid the doors to hide the impact. My husband saw it all. That he never mentioned it to us, that day or next, altered my opinion of him. </p>
<p>If you don’t tell DS what happened to the tablecloth, he’ll become that guy.</p>
<p>I’d show the tablecloth, without rancor, and ask him how he wants to replace it for you. I think it’s important. They’re not “done” yet just because they went off to college.</p>
<p>When they lived at home, I may raise my voice from time to time, but now I would more likely ask them politely to help out or pick up after themselves.</p>
<p>Esobay, was MY son at your house for Thanksgiving, lol!!! That sounds just like something he would do, and he is 27. And I reprimand him as I did when he was 7, if you act like a child, I will treat you as a child!</p>
<p>however, in DS’s defense he was trying to “save” the candle wick which burned kind of weirdly, not JUST playing in it (although he IS capable of that). He just didn’t get the wick off quickly enough or as quickly as I would have and there is a tiny hole … polyester need I say more? None of us knew there was a hole at the time. So now I am wondering tell him or not?</p>
<p>I am glad for the thoughts on he NEEDS to know about the burn and how to make it up because who amongst us hasn’t had that red wine on white carpet spill kind of thing happen.?Better to teach what to do when that happens from home rather than alter the perception other people have of you forever, right?</p>
<p>My kids are becoming adults, but will never be treated as guests in their family home. I don’t scold them, but will remind 23 yo D to take her mug to the kitchen if needed.</p>
<p>My DH’s mother still treats him like a 10 year old (he is 60). One of the reasons we don’t go to visit very often. She treated me like a ten year old too until I told her to STOP IT.</p>
<p>Kids become adults when they act like adults. If they act like adults, they should be treated like adults.</p>
<p>I admit that I have trouble turning off the “mom” sometimes. D hasn’t lived at home in years, but when she visits I have trouble not offering bits of advice here & there. I am getting better about keeping my thoughts to myself - she lives on her own, travels cross-country weekly for work, and earns more than I do - I think she can figure things out.</p>
<p>BUT … both kids know the house rules. After all, they grew up here. Dishes go in the kitchen, coats need to be hung in the closet, that sort of thing. I WILL remind them if they “forget.” They are family, not visitors.</p>
<p>You’re having the conversation with us that you need to have with them. Not a lecture. A conversation. Let them know what’s on your mind, that you’re confused about the changing roles, why you think it’s important – if you think they might be adults, treat them like adults and ask their opinion. To do otherwise is to keep treating them like children.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m missing something but I don’t see why you’re conflicted about telling your son about the burn. Tell him about it and to please be more careful next time. It’s careless. </p>
<p>My parents are more old-fashioned and still treat me like a teenage at times (I’m a senior in college) and have no problem telling me what they think about my actions. Annoying and it’s going to fade once I move out but it’s just how they are.</p>
<p>Bookworm, until you asked I never thought to discuss the screendoor with our friend. Today I think this: he knew what had happened, so a comment could only have embarassed us both. Just uncomfortable!</p>
<p>When my kids are home, I ASK them to help around the house, not scold or even “remind”. “Would you mind…” And they, like most adults, are happy to oblige. I would expect the same when I visit their houses. And I only offer advice when asked. Older one asks all the time, younger one not so much. </p>
<p>They became adults to me when they turned 18 and I try very hard to move our relationships to a more adult level. H’s parents never figured out how to have an adult relationship with him and he resents them for it. </p>
<p>I would still do anything for my kids, if asked. And I love them to pieces. But I refuse to treat them like children, even if the youngest still wants me to! lol :)</p>
<p>D became an adult in this sense when we realized we were hurting our relationship with her by trying to hang onto our parent-of-a-kid role. She was just shy of 20 when she pointed out (correctly) that she’d proven herself to be trustworthy and responsible over the previous two years at college, and didn’t need our help or advice on running her life. That’s the point at which I would have backed off from discussing homework with her, unless she asked. (The transition was made easier by the fact that that’s about the time I started having to intensively parent my parents; frankly, I didn’t have the time or energy to keep parenting her!)</p>
<p>But she’s not precisely a guest when she’s home either. I will ask her to help with things that I wouldn’t ask a guest. And if she burned my tablecloth through her own carelessness, I would expect her to make some kind of restitution, where obviously I wouldn’t expect that from a guest. But I wouldn’t scold. I’d probably show it to her, and then let her examine her conscience during the ensuing uncomfortable silence. I’m pretty sure she’d offer something without my having to ask.</p>
<p>I woke up the day after Thanksgiving and found the kitchen a mess after it was thoroughly cleaned and organized before I went to bed. Dirty dishes in the sink, empty bottles all over, and a dirty roasting plan on the stove. Apparently DS (23, recent college graduate, and now with a career job in a city some distance away) and is friend partied all night and “forgot” about cleaning. </p>
<p>I was planning to tell him he is guest in our house and will not be invited back if such behavior continues. DH reminded me that I will probably continue to invite him back, so I tried to talk to DS like he was another adult about “house rules” while he is here. Hopefully, he heard me without the lecture/scolding and will change his ways.</p>