<p>I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. </p>
<p>I can’t speak to the best tactic for dealing with your father, but I know that you aren’t the only person to deal with a difficult parent. A close friend of mine went through a terrible time as her father aged, had dementia, became paranoid and turned on her accusing her of theft and other nasty things. At the time, she was spending lots of time and energy repeatedly flying to Florida to help out her parents. In her case, her father hadn’t been abusive before, so it was clearly a dementia issue where his personality completely changed. She was stunned and hurt and left in tears whenever she visited. It stung every time she had to deal with him. </p>
<p>As you describe it, your father has always been abusive, but now as he ages, he is getting even more so. I think one thing you need to realize is that whatever he says is not a verdict on you either as a person or as a daughter. At the end of the day, you do what you believe is the right thing to do with respect to dealing with your father, even though he doesn’t recognize or appreciate your efforts.</p>
<p>I wish i could offer up some advice but i don’t have much. Some people are just nasty. I hate to say that, but it’s true. I deal with elderly customers at work every day… some are sweet as pie, and others are rude nasty and very verbally abusive. I hate to say that about anyone but when you have customers wishing you harm and occasionally death, it’s not always very pleasant.</p>
<p>I have a relationship with my mother very much like the one you have with your father. I have felt all the feelings, the guilt, the conflicts, the desire to cut off ties that you describe. The difference for me is that my mother has mellowed quite a lot with age. It could be that she senses that I have reached a point that I don’t need her approval anymore. I’ve noticed that I have stopped reacting in the same way that I always did, maybe because of that. Others are right, of course, that you can’t change your father directly, but he might very well change in his behavior towards you if you refuse to play your traditional role. I’m not saying this well, but I found that my mother’s behavior didn’t bother me as much once I stopped having the same emotional reactions that I always did. It’s exactly as you say – your father can make you feel just like that helpless child you once were. But for me, I found that once I really stopped becoming that powerless child every time my mother started a rant, she lost the ability to upset me.</p>
<p>Maureen721, since you are an RN, why don’t you ask the doctors you see and trust for advice on medications for this problem?</p>
<p>Today is 1 mo. since we buried my mom, who was always verbally abusive and especially so in her final weeks in the hospital. I finally had to ask myself, as I watched yet another health care worker shake her head about her behavior, why we were still tolerating this? I finally asked for something like Xanax and justified this request by pointing out that mom was not wearing her breathing machine due to anxiety. It took a week of constant lobbying to convince a doctor to a trial, but they finally did prescribe it ‘as needed’. Unfortunately for everyone involved it was almost too late, but for a few hours over a few days she was much more ‘normal’. She even asked for the stuff after 2 successful, restful nights.</p>
<p>It’s nice to think that these abusive people can change with behavior mods, but the meds did what nothing else did - got her to become tolerable for a little while.</p>
<p>Why doctors don’t use these more often is a bit of a mystery to me. Maybe someone with a better understanding can chime in.</p>
<p>Treetop- I know my FIL has an Rx for anti-anxiety meds, but he thinks of it as being for something unusual, not realising that he has always been rude, offensive, and hurtful. I wish there were some way to get him to take it daily, he and every one else would be happier.</p>