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<p>That explains why she married your father, we marry what we know.</p>
<p>Your mother’s only crime was in not leaving your father. Since the way he treated her felt so familiar it would have been that much harder to leave.</p>
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<p>I think letting go of your anger towards her is a reasonable course of action.</p>
<p>Interesting all the stories of parents & children not speaking, etc.</p>
<p>My difficult FIL is actually a step father, but really raised my DH, for his entire life from childhood until his late 20s, his two step brothers were “disowned” for their behaviour (it was the 60s!) and then all of a sudden one brother became okay again and in what appeared to be overnight to DH, he was expected to welcome the prodigal brother with open arms…a “brother” he had barely met and never known well. Luckily for us the brother is a fun guy and was a good addition to the family, but it is also interesting that FIL does not stress his son the way he does my DH, because his son was estranged and lived life on his own terms so no longer cares in his heart about pleasing his Dad. He is happy to have a relationship, gets along fine and really does not care deeply about the hurtful things done.</p>
<p>It is all about us giving the power to hurt to that person, and sometimes it takes a long time to learn how NOT to give them power over us.</p>
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<p>You could easily write that on the card too.</p>
<p>I vote for permanently ignoring dad, and only keeping contact with mom. I would also be very worried about letting a grandson learn life lessons from a guy like that.</p>
<p>The literature on emotionally abusive relationships has grown exponentially in the past 10 years. The pattern is so familiar; the husband works long hours, the wife tries to keep the peace and pushes the kids to not upset dad. Everyone suffers when dad gets angry. One of my favorite books is Walking on Eggshells.</p>
<p>Often the children grow up to be “people pleasers”. It is so hard to break the pattern. The OP wants to walk away from her father, but then her mother will suffer. She understands why her mom has perpetuated the behavior, but also resents mom for allowing the verbal abuse. </p>
<p>I would also recommend seeing a therapist with particular training in this field. The OP has terrific insight, but needs a place to vent.</p>
<p>To the OP, my heart goes out to you. I have spent a lot of my life dealing with difficult parents, in laws, siblings (not all of them, just some of each). I long ago gave up trying to change people. This can not be done. I know the silent treatment, the I’m always right treatment, the respect deal, almost all of what you have said. I just try not to let it get me down, and I go on regardless of the insults etc. Some of these are doozies, but what the hay. In one ear and out the other. Some people can fight about anything. That is in essence the key to remember. I think they enjoy the fight, and as others have said, they are either spoiled rotten or were abused (both can result in this type of personality). I can understand mourning the relationship that you wish you had. I actually went through this with my own parents decades ago (and now they are both gone), but for my DH, it was much more recent. When he finally gave up trying to please, he became less stressed out by the whole thing. I think for him it was key to say that one of his parents was a hopelessly bickersome old @!#, and move on. Once you know it is not your problem, I hope you will feel some relief.</p>
<p>I like the idea of a greeting card line for those who can be extremely aggravating. “Happy Birthday (Again!) you misery you”.</p>
<p>Letting your anger drag on will hurt you and your family, so do what you can to let it go. I am passing on advice that I received some years back when I had a problem, which is after you have asked for forgiveness, if it is refused, then you should stop beating yourself up. I don’t mind asking for forgiveness from people like parents or inlaws etc to have peace, even if I think I was right. “If I have done anything to offend you, please forgive me.” No right or wrong in that - just subjective about feelings. This same advice giver had another good rule: 80/20 (20 percent of people will disagree with you no matter what). </p>
<p>My best to you. Don’t let it ruin your holidays.</p>
<p>What wonderful advice and compassion. Thank you all so much. I have been a bit surprised by the number of responses, including those who sent PMs and I really appreciate it. It was a tremendous relief to unburden myself in this way. My close friends know I have a difficult relationship with my father, but I have never gone into it to the extent I did on here. </p>
<p>I think I had the situation framed in my head as very black and white - I either had to apoloize to my father and then subject myself to more abuse or have no relationship with my parents at all. You have helped me to see that this is not the case. I can work on having a relationship of some kind with my mother and I really don’t have to make any final decision regarding my father - I can just play it by ear and see what happens. </p>
<p>Bookworm - you summarized the situation so well - I have never heard of a book called “Walking on Eggshells”, but I will look for it.</p>
<p>Anyway, yesterday was a very emotional day as I thought about this painful subject and wrote about it so much. Time to take a breather and look forward to the weekend and spring break. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!</p>
<p>Another good book, that I purchased for my husband many years ago, is Toxic Parents. We went for a number of years withouth speaking to my in laws. Among the many reasons was calling my future child a “kike”. Allowing other members of the family to refuse to eat at the same as my parents and me on Thanksgiving because we were Jewish. And that dear friends, was the tip of the iceberg. (oh…how Jewish of me…ice formation.)</p>
<p>My mother used to say that whatever traits you liked or disliked in a person becomes magnified as they age. Perhaps this is the onset of dementia or the feeling of freedom to be as obnoxious as he wants to act because he is old and entitled. I agree that a bit of therapy for you to clarify your feelings, what your behavior and treatment of your father and mother should be (in your comfort zone) so that, in the end you do not feel guilty with things left unsaid. </p>
<p>My FIL died recently. The saddest part was that my husband confessed, privately, his sadness was that he didn’t care. And that is the tragedy.</p>
<p>ellebud - thanks for writing. I am horrified at the behavior you describe - that is really shocking. A few people have mentioned Toxic Parents - I ordered it on Amazon this morning! Thanks for seconding the suggestion.</p>
<p>Toxic Parents and Walking On Eggshells…I am going to look into both. I have in-laws who are a lot like ellebud’s. They somehow produced a son (my husband) who is one of the most compassionate, forgiving, loving people I have ever met. Sometimes I wonder if he was switched in the hospital by accident.</p>
<p>I have a very difficult father. He has always been a verbal bully. He had a very dysfunctional upbringing, and he never learned how to relate well. Growing up, our dad would say mean things … some dads in the neighborhood hit with belts, my dad hit with words. He continued to do that to all of us through the years, but I limited my own family’s exposure to his verbal abuse. That made it rough in terms of my relationship with my mom, particularly when they moved to another state. Mom & I kept in touch, but we didn’t visit very often. They do live far away, so it wouldn’t be easy to go … but truly, spending a week with my dad is not a vacation by any stretch of the imagination. When they visit the area, they stay with my single brother, who lives 5 minutes from me. It makes it easier on all of us.</p>
<p>To make a very long story short, my mom has had health issues & the past year was tremendously difficult. I spent a lot of time at their house, and I would get so angry with my dad for the things he would say to my mom. He would get angry & hurt her with his words … then he would apologize later. The damage was done, as it always is. Her health issues had stretched him to the max, but he wouldn’t face that fact. He just got meaner. I tried to get him to move back, but he wouldn’t. He & my mom spent a lot of time staring at the walls & arguing (when they weren’t going to mom’s doctor appointments).</p>
<p>My mom fell in late January & she never came home from the hospital/rehab. While waiting several days to be stabilized for surgery, she got a bedsore that wouldn’t heal… this hampered her rehab, and her time in bed led to pneumonia & a return to the hospital from the rehab center. The bedsore got worse & worse, until it became a necrotic stage IV ulcerated bedsore. She contracted MRSA. 3 weeks ago, she passed away. In my mom’s final days, when she was being very candid, she told me, “I had a good husband.” I tell myself over & over that it doesn’t matter what I think of how he treated her … the bottom line is, she thought he was a good husband. </p>
<p>I spent time alone with my dad after my brothers went home, and there were times I wanted to run down the street, screaming. We did have a few arguments, because he said things that I just couldn’t leave unchallenged. I was able to keep myself under control for the most part, though, hard as it was … because he needed me to be there for him. He is a bitter man who holds onto perceived slights for 60 years. Yet my mother loved him. I do love him … I just can’t stay with him for too many days at a time. Since I have returned home, I have been able to keep in touch with quick phone calls. The limited time … “just checking in … how are you today?” is so much easier than being there for days.</p>
<p>I guess I am taking this opportunity to unburden myself. But I also want to say that I understand how you feel, Rockvillemom. Relationships can be so complicated. Only you know what you can handle in terms of the relationship. If you need to cut off communication, that may be necessary. If you need to change the terms of the relationship, you can try that. I made some very real changes while my mother was ill. My father was amazed at how strong & self-possessed I am, and I had some success in getting him to listen to me. I definitely changed the terms of our relationship in positive ways. I set some ground-rules, and he learned that I meant business. That doesn’t always work, though. You might decide to try it, and it might not work. Each relationship has its own dynamics. </p>
<p>I think that working through it here might be helpful for you. I hope that you feel empowered to do what you decide is best. If it doesn’t work, you can always try something else.</p>
<p>I have encountered several people like your father over the course of my life, some very close to me. I have given much thought to their actions, my actions, motivations, etc. Two observations:</p>
<p>Certain people with certain personalities learn early on to use bullying anger techniques in order to get their way quickly. To control others. They do this because it works. This is the only reason they do it. Eventually they get others trained to do their bidding quickly because the others are fearful of the bully’s reactions if they do not respond “correctly.” Don’t confuse your father’s age with a trait he has had for many years.</p>
<p>YOU are the one who has changed with age. It is very common for women not to have the self confidence to realize they have been victimized until they hit age 50 or thereabouts. There are lots of good tips (and a few not) here how you can try to work out something, but to me the main thing is to remember that HE has the problem and YOU don’t have to submit to his bullying.</p>
<p>In a similar situation I’m going to have what I’m sure will wind up a very unpleasant conversation with my 79-year-old Dad. Like much of what I’ve read from others here, he is very opinionated and convinced he is always right. His attitude in both action and words is that he doesn’t care what others think or feel. This attitude has surely been exacerbated by his grief over my mom’s passing 7 years ago and by a diagnosis of early stage Alzheimer’s.</p>
<p>Long story short, he said some very hurtful things to my oldest daughter about our youngest which of course oldest D repeated. I haven’t said anything about it yet because I wanted to wait until I could discuss it calmly and rationally. At any rate, I’m not sure how it will all end but I’m certainly not looking forward to it.</p>
<p>Bay kind of said it all on page 2.</p>
<p>I have to be impressed with all the thoughtful, compassionate advice here, as well as the sharing of personal stories. Here’s mine, which I think ends differently than most.</p>
<p>My mom died when I was young, a traumatic loss which still bubbles to the surface all these years later. When I married, I expected to have a good relationship with my mother-in-law, someone I had known for years. After our children were born, however, my MIL became very critical of me (not my husband). She would say hurtful, downright mean things. Other people noticed it, too. One of our kids had a physical handicap. The MIL’s opinion was that it was an emotional or behavioral illness. Wow, that was helpful! (Serious sarcasm.)</p>
<p>She was dismissive of me. I won’t go into the details. I was stoic, throughout. </p>
<p>Even though I’m not a particularly religious person, I did feel the need to join a church after we started our family. I wanted to belong to a community of people who were focused on doing good. Anyway, I found that when I was at church, I could take my problems to prayer. First, I was able to acknowledge how hurt I felt. It was real sorrow. And then I focused on forgiving my MIL and forgiving myself. It was a process, not an overnight healing or anything like that. When I say I had to forgive myself, it means that I had to accept that I made mistakes, too. I wasn’t perfect! </p>
<p>Now, here’s where my story is divergent. My MIL is in her 80s now, and we have a very good relationship. She got a lot more “mellow” and, too, I think we both appreciate each other now. We both evolved. I know I’m a better person for having this relationship with her. She can still be difficult at times, but I’m not hypersensitive about it. </p>
<p>I think I was unlucky in some ways – to have my mom die so young, etc. – but I know I am lucky to have lived long enough to have reached this point in my life.</p>
<p>As the OP knows, you can’t change other people – not your parents, not your kids. You can only change yourself.</p>
<p>kelsmom - I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to chime in here. I am so touched by all of these stories and all of the honesty. Sounds like a lot of us have these issues to contend with. I absolutely cannot fathom a situation where my Mom passes away first. She is much younger and in good health, but I guess you never know what will happen. Your comment that in her final days your mom still called him a “good husband” really resonates with me. I think my mom would say the same thing. It kills me when I see the way he treats her, berates her for the smallest of infractions, etc. And of course, she never dares to criticize him.</p>
<p>Skyhook - you are so right. My father learned by the time he was a young man that being a bully - particularly where women are involved - works. So that is his technique. I don’t hear him speak to or about men in the same way. My father has such anger and contempt towards women in general. I have no idea where that comes from, as he loved his mother and was very supportive of her until her death when I was about 18. And you are right about the 50 milestone. I still have 3 years to go - but recognizing that it is approaching has made me very reflective on my life - what I am happy with - what I want to change, etc. I think that I have been so busy the past 2 decades, like most women, juggling kids, job, spouse, etc., that this is the first time I have allowed myself a breather to really take stock. I’m glad I am doing it, but it has also been very painful. </p>
<p>I hope that I can really incorporate the good advice I am receiving to focus on my mom, and let go of the guilt and disappointment I feel regarding my dad. I don’t think I’ll be a mil anytime soon, but when that time comes, I hope I can avoid some of the pitfalls I have read about here.</p>
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<p>Can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this before… enough to know that you do need to prepare yourself in case it does happen. It happened in my case. My mom had several chronic illnesses for years, but the most prominent and disabling were crippling rheumatoid arthritis and congestive heart failure. My dad’s mom died when she was three months short of 102, and relatively healthy until cancer got her for the second time (she had two surgeries at 99 and 100 for the first bout, which she survived). He was 81 when she died. We all assumed that given our grandma’s longevity and his good health, he would outlive our mom by a decade or more. Except he came down with lung cancer and died a year and a half after she did, at 83. Mom lived another 2 1/2 years, and was able to do things in that time she might not have done with him still alive because he was such a homebody, even though her health was not good.</p>
<p>I realize this is just one anecdote, but I do see this in my work, too, and it often comes quite a shock to adult children when they’ve expected one parent to outlive the other. You just can’t make assumptions like this and not expect to be taken aback if it happens the other way around. It doesn’t mean you worry yourself sick over what happens when, but understand that you need to be prepared for any possibility.</p>
<p>Re: your mom & pity</p>
<p>My MIL picked a man for her last marriage who is very insecure and with whom she had a fairly bickersome combative relationship, each constantly proving who is right, bicker bicker all day, not fun to be around, but she chose him and she was not subservient, she gave him back as good as she got. She also subjected her child to this difficult home life.</p>
<p>Nearly 30 years ago she became physically and (somewhat) emotionally disabled such that she is entirely dependent on him. If he died she would need 24 hour care. </p>
<p>Guess what, he still need to be right all the time, they still bicker, she is still as smart mouthed as she is capable of being, but he has all the power. He tried to be sweet & loving as best he can, but he is not that type of person so it is a real effort and not natural.</p>
<p>I could feel sorry for her being bossed by him, fed by him, dressed by him, but then i remember, she freely chose him 20 years before and raised my DH in that atmosphere, so she is living the life she chose. We may choose differently, but don’t cast your mom as a victim, she freely chose and respect that the dysfunction relationship seems to work for her. So, don’t waste a great deal of energy feeling sorry for her or trying to make it better for her. We all make choices. Not that I am being flip and saying she should suffer, just that none of us can understand the dynamics of other relationships, I spent a long time feeling pity for my MIL until some other family members shared stories of her wedding this man versus others and why and realised she made the choice to bond with him and stay with him way before she was dependent on him, so she chose him, as they say, for better or for worse.</p>
<p>teriwtt - you are right, of course. While my mother is younger and in better health and we all assume he will pass away first, there is no guarantee. It’s just that I can easily picture that scenario and being able to spend time with my mom, having family dinners again, getting my mom and my aunt back in touch again (my father has not spoken to his sister in 4 years so my mom is not allowed any contact with her either). As horrible as it may sound, I can easily picture life after my dad passes away and see positive possibilities. The other scenario - my mom dying first - I just can’t fathom how that would play out.</p>
<p>somemom - all valid points. I can’t really know the ins and outs of my parents marriage. I do know that they love each other. My mother has never ever come close to saying she wants out. I don’t understand it - what I witness angers and saddens me - but it’s not my marriage and I should not sit in judgement. I hate hearing my mother make excuses for my dad’s bad behavior - but I guess in her mind, the good outweighs the bad. Certainly he has been a good provider - she has always had a nice home - he is good at taking care of things - any problem that comes up - so maybe she feels the tradeoffs have been worth it. </p>
<p>I just see the issue of respect as being so central here. My dad is not speaking to me because he feels that I spoke to him with disrespect. It is something he holds as very important, and he gets to decide when and if someone is treating him disrespectfully. But then I reflect on how he treats me and my mother - and all I see is disrespect. Maybe he feels as a man that the women in his life need to treat him with respect, but that it is not a 2-way street? </p>
<p>I do have a younger sister - have not mentioned her before because she chooses to live in the midwest and has little to do with any of us. She typically flys east for a short visit once a year. She might speak to my parents by phone twice a month. She has made her position pretty clear that she will not be an active participant as they age and need help. So, despite the problems I have experienced with my father and the fact that he is not speaking to me, I also know that when tragedy strikes, I will have to be there. So, I do accept that responsibility. And I think that some of you have given very good advice on boundaries and not actively engaging him that I find useful. I’m actually contemplating phoning them - which I have not done in 2 months - just to see what happens. I would not do so previously because I had no idea of what I would say if he answered the phone. Now I’m thinking I can just say hello and how are you and ask to speak with my mother. So, I’m contemplating.</p>
<p>Your mom shouldn’t have to take your dad’s abuse. I think you have a good idea about phoning and not talking to him. If I visited someone like this, I’d keep the car keys in my hand and get up and leave if I got harassed. That in fact is what I did once with a hypercritical aunt, and she backed off immediately.</p>
<p>My inlaws are gone, but before she died my MIL greatly benefited from antidepressants. Her chronic irritability was reduced dramatically. We are a generation that didn’t grow up with people benefiting from recent drug developments so sometimes I think we discount the help these drugs may offer for difficult people.</p>
<p>Progress - I phoned my parents for the first time in nearly 3 months. I was a bit nervous about what would happen if my father answered the phone, and then I realized, what in the world was I so afraid of? Was he going to yell at me? Hang up on me? So what if he did. Why am I still so afraid of this man and his judgement. Anyway, my mother answered and we had a nice chat. I feel much better. To everyone on here who has written that I was giving my father too much power in my life - you are 110% right. If he had answered, I would have dealt with it as a calm, mature adult. What is it about my father that makes me feel like a child all over again? I am really glad I called. Thank you to all of you for giving me the courage to move forward on this problem.</p>
<p>Treetopleaf - I think my father would benefit immensely from antidepressants, but it just is not going to happen. He would never in a million years admit that something of that nature is wrong with him - he literally says that if everyone would just do as he says everything would be fine.</p>
<p>Hi - I was browsing the internet tonight just to see if I could find any site that would help me with the same issue as being discussed: how to deal with an elderly abusive parent. I am 52 years old, married, an RN with young children (13 and 15) and I have a father that was always verbally and physically abusive to myself, brother and mother growing up but even more so now that he is entering his 80’s. Has gotten so much worse over the last two years. He said some of the most horrible things to me this past Friday night, I guess enough to make me look for a site like this. I really have been in a depressed funk over the weekend and I do believe that some dementia is setting in because he was saying things that I have no clue where they came from…but his hatred for me was beyond what I have ever heard in the past this time. I avoid him at all costs, but feel “obligated” periodically to give him a call out of some sort of respect and boy do I regret it every time. I have to hear how awful of a daughter I am, how terrible my children are (they are honor roll students??) and what a drifter my husband is (he is a retired naval office that owns several franchise businesses). Go figure! He even went so far this time to tell me to “not be surprised” because he was having his lawyer take me out of his will (don’t even know about any will or inheritence). I have always stood on my own two feet and never asked him for any monetary help, however, my brother has and he tells me how much he loves his son…has never told me that he loves me. Gosh, being subjected to the verbal abuse then brings back up all the horrible things he did to me and my mother when I was younger (they divorced when I was 18). Try to rely on my faith in God to carry me through this but that barely has been working. I guess by finding this website, I am certainly not alone. Would love to develop a “friendship” with anyone that can help. This is my first public attempt in asking for any support. Thank you in advance for any advice.</p>