Difficulties of being a professor's/Chair's son at her university. Advice?

Parents Forum
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<p>Hello there, </p>

<p>This is my first post on this forum, so I apologize in advance if I’m posting this in the wrong place. </p>

<p>Essentially, as my title indicates, I just started my freshman year at the university where my mother teaches and is currently a (and my) department chair, and I’ve found this to be, er, very awkward and hard thus far. I’d appreciate any advice on how handle this kind of situation. </p>

<p>I don’t want to be too specific, but my mother is the chair of the Department of Modern Languages, and she also teaches language A. I study language B with an entirely different set of professors, so I will never have her. However, I’m familiar with a lot of the language B faculty since all of her faculty pop in and out of our house periodically. They’re all a very tight-knit group, and my younger siblings and I spent a good part of our lives going to campus with our mom and seeing everyone. In fact, my current language B professor is a good friend of my mom’s and is one of the senior faculty members I remember the most. </p>

<p>Also, my mom is what you would call one of the “cool” professors. She got hired and promoted rather quickly and so is currently a younger chair in her early 40s. I looked her up on ratemyprofessors and everyone seems to love her (and think she’s “hot,” which is a whole new level of awkwardness for me). </p>

<p>My mom is a wonderful mother and professor, but I’m starting to feel annoyed and frustrated at living in her shadow. In my language B class after the first roll call, my classmates were all like “are you Professor X’s son?! We love her!” and even my professor joked and said he’d be giving my mother daily reports on my progress. I’ve made a good amount of friends so far (mostly other language majors including some that are taking my mom’s classes), and it’s so weird for them to talk about the homework their professor gave them or the jokes their professor told them when it’s my mom or a professor I’ve known since childhood. I feel like I can’t really engage with them about their language classes since I know most of the faculty and feel at a disadvantage talking about them. </p>

<p>I know a lot of things are done out of good humor and fondness of my mother, but I feel like I’ll only ever be “the Chair’s son.” I don’t see my mom too often on campus, and when I do, she really is quite discrete and kind. She only ever smiles and asks how my day is going so far. My mom encourages me (in phone conversations at night) to come see her at her office since I live at the dorms here and so I don’t see her as much, but isn’t that just really not typical? Aren’t you supposed to go away to school to gain more independence from your parents? </p>

<p>I guess I’m just troubled because I feel like I have a lot to live up to. I feel like I have to be a super duper smart and respectful student because my mom is so popular and important here. I’m even thinking about maybe transferring universities over this. One of the main reasons I chose to come here was because of the school’s excellence in languages and also because I receive a discount on tuition because of my mom, but I’m not sure if those are the most important pros anymore. </p>

<p>I’m sorry for the long post, but thank you so much for reading. I’m just feeling very weird about all of this. It’s like I’m away at college, but at the same time, it’s like I’m not because my mom or things impacted by her are always right around the corner.</p>

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<p>Is “B language and literature” your major, or just a subject that you will be taking a few courses in?</p>

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<p>Well I guess the “half glass full” is that she’s popular and well liked instead of unpopular and disliked. Not sure what you could do beyond sit down with her and talk about your feelings…maybe encourage her to speak to her colleagues and respectfully request that they down play the “give your Mom reports” banter - which in my opinion is sort of immature and silly anyway. Hindsight is 20/20 but it seems like alot of this might have been anticipated when you accepted admission to the school and some thought given to how you would handle it.</p>

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<p>B language and literature is my major, though I’m most likely going to have a second major as well (though not another language).</p>

<p>And yes, I probably should have considered how I’d feel, but I really do like this school, which is why I’m so torn. It’s got a great campus and just a great general feel to it. Also, since I don’t have to pay as much for tuition, I can afford to live on campus and not have to worry about any debt (thus far). </p>

<p>I know that this is more of a personal problem, so I really don’t want to make my mom feel bad… She can’t help it that people like her and draw attention to the fact that I’m her child, and she hasn’t been embarrassing me on campus or anything. I feel almost ashamed by feeling so awkward over this. </p>

<p>Thank you for the replies.</p>

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<p>In both high school and college, I knew students who were related to faculty, so it is not like it is that rare a situation.</p>

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<p>Oh, of course it’s not. I’m sorry if I implied that I thought it was. </p>

<p>It’s just that I’m not handling it very well as opposed to how some other students might. I feel “trapped” in her shadow and I feel like I haven’t left the vicinity of her wings. If something semi-major were to happen where most freshmen have to learn how to handle it on their own, I know I can very well just run down campus and get my mom. </p>

<p>Basically, I feel that I made the wrong choice and was blinded by saving money. If I had chosen a college farther away, maybe I’d become more self-sufficient and successful in my own right.</p>

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<p>If it’s any help, you are sharing a problem faced by other students whose parents occupy positions of importance/authority in their school situation. The child of the high school principal, county sheriff, clergy, school superintendent also go through these feelings and situations. </p>

<p>I would suggest you try to separate yourself in your own mind, as this is not a problem to anyone except you. When others comment on your mom’s (or mom’s friends’) assignments, remind yourself that they are talking about Their Professor and not Your Mom. </p>

<p>If there are any repeats of the “I’ll be telling your Mom” banter from professors, you could stop by immediately after class and speak up for yourself pleasantly, “We share an appreciation for my mom’s work, but can you please help me out here socially by not referencing the family link in front of the class? Thanks.” </p>

<p>If you want to establish a bit more space on campus from your Mom, when she calls and asks you to meet her at her office, sometimes just beg off and say you are “busy and have plans.” If you don’t go into further detail, you are not lying to say that phrase. If she asks for more info, just repeat the same phrase. She’ll catch on faster than you think. I don’t mean to be rude about your Mom, this is just a catch-all solution for anyone who wants to carve out some space from another in their workplace.</p>

<p>Or if you can imagine doing this, instead of dodging her, try initiating an open conversation with her, all about college life including positives. Remind her that you are a freshman and just want to do what all freshmen do, which is feel more independent. Tell her there’s a way she can help you out with this: to please not call you into her office, that it feels uncomfortable to you since others can’t do that with their families any more. </p>

<p>I think if you can get yourself started with your own social and academic life, after a while this will become much less important than today. And perhaps later on you’ll be glad to come to her for genuine advice. Everyone on campus is going through an initial adjustment period, and yours has this unusual wrinkle, but it’s all just the early adjustment. Once you begin to express yourself within each course, the profs will see you more as “you.” They won’t forget you are her son, but there will be many more important things they’ll think of first, once they’ve had you as a student for a while.</p>

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<p>Have you started taking courses in your other intended major? It seems likely that you won’t encounter the same type of issues in an unrelated department.</p>

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<p>Another suggestion: try to find a way on campus to create your own separate niche from your mom. For example, get involved with an EC that is totally removed and separate from your mom’s department – something that will help you redefine yourself in a way that doesn’t involve your parent. It really can be anything -it just should be something where you wouldn’t feel like you were in her shadow – and others who you interact with will start to think of you in the context of your own, self-created campus role rather than your role as the offspring of Professor Wonderful. It will take time, but it will happen.</p>

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<p>This is awkward. I (and my siblings) had the same situation as you - we all majored in the same department as our father and he was department chair from my brother’s senior year through my senior year. Luckily he was very well-liked and well-respected.</p>

<p>Your mom’s colleagues are a bit unprofessional if they are talking to you on a personal level and referencing your mom (as your mom) in class. You can go up to them, in private, and ask them to refrain from doing so. Your personal relationship gives you a bit more power than the average student. Also ask your mother to talk to them to refrain their in-class comments.</p>

<p>I think my siblings and I all maintained a “professional” relationship with the professors in the department building although we may see them at our house or their house. I never talked about my father to my classmates (most did not know about the relationship). I never talked about my father to my professors when I was in school; I certainly never mentioned his name in class - that would have been just plain weird. The focus was on class and my classwork.</p>

<p>At one point, I had a first-year assistant professor. I was terrified that he would tell my father I was a hopeless student. My sister, at some point, talked to the assistant professor and found out that <em>he</em> was terrified that <em>I</em> would tell our father he was a hopeless instructor. </p>

<p>As for seeing your mom, my sister, our father and I would all meet around noon for lunch in his office. It was a nice way to connect quietly. Only one friend/classmate ever walked into my dad’s office during lunch - he was curious about the lunch. I don’t think the professors even knew or cared if they did know.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

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<p>My mom was a teacher at my HS. I found it fairly awkward freshman year. I had gone to public MS and went to the Catholic HS where she taught so I really hardly knew anyone. I knew exactly one other freshman from a summer program we’d both attended, and 2-3 upperclassmen from the same program. So I was instantly known as her daughter. Didn’t help that she taught freshman English :slight_smile: </p>

<p>It did get better as I got to know people. It is much worse in the beginning when people have no other association with you. </p>

<p>My mom actually moved up to teaching seniors my senior year because the previous senior teacher moved. By then I wasn’t really bothered by it at all because everyone had gotten over the initial “Oh, you’re Mrs X’s daughter!”</p>

<p>It could have been worse–I had a classmate whose father became our principal sophomore year. She was mortified :)</p>

<p>It will get better with time.</p>

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<p>Your feelings of awkwardness will pass with time the longer you’re at the school; your presence will stop being a novelty. People will not be primarily judging you in reference to your relationship to your mother, especially as you get more involved in your major and more involved in campus life. </p>

<p>I’ve taught several children of professional colleagues at my college. I never mention their relationship whatsoever in any context unless the student brings it up. The professor who made the joke about “reporting” on you used poor judgment in an attempt at humor. In reality, a professor has no more right or leeway to discuss your performance with your mother than he/she does in the case of any other student. I doubt it will happen again. Put it behind you and enjoy your debt-free future.</p>

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<p>I think you chose this college for good reasons.</p>

<p>I would rethink the major, if it were me. I knew a lot of “faculty brats” (they weren’t brats, but that’s what they were called in the dark ages) and I think one way to make this work is to create a wide berth around your academic life and your family life. I’m not telling you to major in engineering if that’s not the way you are wired, but there are so many interesting and exciting things in the world to study. Why follow in mom’s footsteps and feel like you are living in her shadow?</p>

<p>You don’t need to declare a major now, presumably. So decide to finish off the semester and then re-evaluate your other choice of major- maybe focus on that. Develop an extracurricular interest that has nothing to do with your family- a club sport, collecting coats for the homeless, join the political union or Young Liberterians.</p>

<p>It won’t be awkward seeing your mom once you are no longer within her “orbit” academically, and you will no longer have to even think about the family connection once your other interests and activities take up more “space” in your head.</p>

<p>I think HS and College are different- HS you are more or less stuck being your parents child (you can’t exactly opt out of math for four years if your parent is chair of the math department) but you can certainly pick your own path here.</p>

<p>If you are starting to dig in and make friends- great. Now start getting busy exploring topics that are taught by professors who haven’t be seeing you at the kitchen table for the last 8 years and remember how cute you were when you got braces…</p>

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<p>It sounds to me like you and your mom are both doing all the right things. She’s trying to give you your space - after all, she’s paying for you to dorm - but at the same time keeping the lines of communication open. Remember, she probably misses you, and would be delighted if you stopped by to chat for a couple of minutes. </p>

<p>The other professors may feel equally as awkward as you - they’re trying to switch from seeing you as Dr Chair’s kid and may at the same time feel like the boss is watching them. After all, if you complain to your mom about an annoying prof, you’re also lodging a complaint with their supervisor. </p>

<p>I agree with the people who recommended that you take more classes outside of that department and get involved with ECs. The best thing you can do in the language class is simply do your best work, make sure that nothing you do can be perceived as taking advantage, and treat everyone pleasantly and with respect.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t change your major or join ECs to separate yourself from your mother. </p>

<p>Think of it this way–if you get a PhD, you will have plenty of time to be a peon. The one thing I agree with is to try to get them to stop pointing out your familial ties to others.</p>

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<p>I think this feeling will fade a bit as you establish your own identify on campus. You might want to chat with your mom about this, I don’t think you said whether you have. Let her know that you are feeling uncomfortable, particularly about feeling like your profs may be talking to her about you. She can put a stop to that if it is going on…</p>

<p>It doesn’t feel to me like this is a good reason to transfer if you really like everything else about your college. I do agree with the suggestion to find some ECs and friends not related to language studies – then it will feel like you are more separated from her.</p>

<p>Your mom sounds pretty cool, which is a good thing. If she were being ‘uncool’ herself about it, I think you might have a case for transferring. But she is trying to give you space. This issue is really inside your head – you need to be mature about it and realize that it is a small thing in the context of being at a very good college at a reasonable price.</p>

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<p>Hi everyone, </p>

<p>Thank you so much for all of your responses. It’s added some nice perspectives to the situation. </p>

<p>I haven’t talked to my mother about it yet, but I will try to do so sometime next week. I don’t know what she’ll do or how she’ll react, but I suppose it is fair for her to know how I feel.</p>

<p>I’ve been trying to stray towards other parts of campus and take more interest in my non-language classes, and so far it’s nice. I don’t like them as much as my language class, but it’s cool to have another “hobby” to focus on.</p>

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<p>I don’t think you need to do a thing differently. Because you’re a new student, the only identity you have right now, as far as the faculty and students are concerned, is your family name. But as you get involved and begin to demonstrate your own identity, you will be known more for yourself.</p>

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<p>First off, I think it’s awesome that your mom is a professor at your school! (and a Chair at that!) You must be very proud of her, and likewise, she must be quite proud of you. I bet her job became a whole lot happier because she knows that where ever she is her son is somewhere nearby on her campus all safe and happy. Just as you feel you could “run across campus” to her, I’m sure she feels the same kind of comfort towards you . </p>

<p>Second, don’t let this faze you. Seriously. People WILL get over it. Also, while it’s still “fresh” now, it helps give you an opportunity and reason to talk to people. Say some pretty girl comes up to you and says “oh, are you Dr. X’s son? I love her! I’m in her class right now.” You can start with that and talk about the class before transitioning to “so, tell me more about your life and your interests.” :wink: To me, this stands out as a great opportunity to meet people, especially girls. I don’t know which language your mom teaches, but in all of my French classes, there’s always 5x the amount of girls. Hahaha :slight_smile: </p>

<p>But on a more serious note, look on the bright side. Your mom is young, popular and totally respectful of your space. If people have an impression or judgement of you because of her, it’ll probably be along the lines of “I bet he’s as nice as his mother.” While they might hold their breath to see how you compare to her, they probably won’t expect you to be a mini version of Dr. Chair that can spit out foreign languages like saliva. No one is exactly the same as their parents, and no one can ever hold someone to that standard. </p>

<p>I know it’s still weird to hear people talking about your mom and to see her walking around campus with your professors and possibly even some of your peers, but appreciate the beauty and blessing of it. Personally, I’d be thrilled if I could see my mother every day and eat lunch with her in a spacious Department office. </p>

<p>Good luck!!</p>

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<p>Nice post, harvestmoon :).</p>