I think we are talking past one another. I was responding to someone talking about seeing people with noise canceling headphones on, you are talking about completely different scenarios.
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Anyone who walks with noise canceling headphones on, and/or with their head down staring at their phone, are making themselves a target for criminals. Itâs important, beyond crime, to be aware of your surroundings.
Are any of these couples in their 20âs or 30âs? It seems opinions about this have changed based on what people are saying here.
Every parent wants their child to be financially independent and in a fulfilling relationship, but financial âclimbersâ are completely off putting.
Our sonâs are both in long term relationships with attractive, for lack of a better term, curvy young women. My wife has always been curvy, perhaps that has something to do with it. There will always be that segment of the male population looking for very attractive, thin, perfectly groomed âtrophyâ partners, but I feel like that segment of men is shrinking.
This has always been my experIence with both of our sons. We initially thought soccer son might go off to college and eventually break up with his high school girlfriend that was 500 miles away at a New England college. That notion faded quickly because our son said the young women at school were too high maintenance. Off the athletic field heâs very laid back. Heâs not on social media. The last thing he wants is to be instagrammable, and he doesnât want to be in a relationship with someone consumed by their appearance.
I hope thatâs not a necessity. Honestly, would you want her involved with a partner that expected that?
Your son and DIL should probably hang out with LEO son and my future DIL. LOL!
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Yes. Especially the female residents/med students who have already figured out that the two high powered career couple model wonât work for them if they want kids. There are men who are great at planning play dates, doing laundry, and juggling a regular old job to allow their wife to manage the irregular hours and intensity of the âmore ambitiousâ career.
The couples I know that are making this work are equally matched education-wise. If she has an MBA, he has an MFA. If she has a JD, he has an MLS. And similar intellectual interests. Just that one of them is excited by a well paying/stressful career, and the other was not built for the rat-race.
I find it fascinating because itâs so different from my generation and the opposite of my parents generation where the librarian/school teacher/music teacher was typically the mom!
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I would almost bet money that @ChoatieMom DIL canât outrun your LEO son though! 
Both of your kids & SOs sound like amazing couples.
Neither of our kidsâ SOs are stick thin and I am very happy. They are normal people! But even better, both are kind, caring, thoughtful, and get along with just about everyone. FDIL got a new job a couple of weeks ago and when she told her office, they all cried she was leaving. Pretty similar when younger Sâs GF left to move to new city. They are likeable, responsible people.
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I can see wearing the headphones if you donât want to be bothered. My comment was directed at people trying to meet new people and wearing headphones all the time or constantly being on their phones.
And I think you can meet someone anywhere. Living in Southern California D2 is outside year round doing things and she will talk with almost anyone who talks to her and she will strike up a conversation too.
D2âs best friend lives in LA and went to a coffee place last week she heard about. The line was 45 minutes long so she asked the two guys in front of her is it was worth the wait. They enthusiastically said yes. Long story short the friend talked to the guys while waiting in line and they all ended up at lunch.
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These are the characteristics that matter most IMO. The problem is that they arenât as immediately apparent as the more superficial characteristics and require that two people get to know one another or have an opportunity to observe each other in action, maybe from afar. They are also the foundation of deep connection and love that lasts when all else fades. Our son dated FDIL for six months before he mentioned her to us. The first thing he told us about her is that she is the kindest person he ever met (not that she can outrun him). Once we got to know her, we saw that in her, too. I canât tell you how much joy it brings us to know that this is the type of person sharing our sonâs life and adding to our family.
I donât know how the dating apps work, but it would be nice if âkind, caring, and thoughtfulâ ranked higher than âif you like pina coladasâŠâ
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Now if you are a young single person, not only do you need to have a kind caring and supportive partner, I also think that political leanings are also important in a way they werenât decades ago.
I find that I have a tougher time finding couples or female friends who while we donât have to agree completely, there are a few non negotiables. I canât imagine trying to find a significant other.
There has never been such a wide gulf between men and women, college educated and non college educated. Studies are out that say this. Polls say this. I say this. My kids say this.
Some can deny that this is a problem.
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Oh, I should clarify too; I really was not using âconnectionâ as a euphemism for pick up lines, or to weasel in to using someoneâs time when itâs unwanted, nor to be a âdeep connectionâ type of thing. Not at all.
I just meant the everyday, momentary small talk, that does not have an agenda behind it. The sort of thing that is just people of all ages/genders greeting one another in so many different ways, and is just a type of human connection:
- [at the bus stop] Ooh, lovely sunset over there / Yes, it really is. [end scene]
- [standing in line at dining hall, reading menu] Huh, Iâve never had that soup before, you? / Eh, Itâs pretty good, a little spicy. [both keep moving]
- [walking in opposite directions on path, gives a little nod to the person approaching & keeps walking] 'morning / 'morning [little nod back, keeps walking]
I think that sort of no stakes, no agenda engagement with fellow peopleâyoung, old, all walks of lifeâis important for society. Smiling and nodding to the older woman who walks her dog and saying âhelloâ when you see her in the neighborhood. Or the 'morning to people when you step on to an elevator, or into a coffee shop. Or a smile and nod to the person you see everyday as you catch your bus. Or âgreat day, isnât it?â to the parent and their kids at the playground as youâre walking. Just being personable, with no expectation of âwell now you owe me a conversation.â
I 100% understand how awful it is to be a young woman and to never know if someone is just saying 'morning and being polite, and they literally only mean: âgood morning,â or if they are about to be creepy. And that has always been an issue and itâs worsened over the years as a function of where weâve devolved with incel culture, the âmanosphereâ and pick up artists exacerbating and emboldening creepy behavior and expectations in some men. There are lots of men that do expectâif theyâve been at all personableâthat a young woman âowesâ them an interaction.
As the parent of a son, Iâve had talks with him about while women know itâs ânot all menâ we donât know which men, soâŠ(and this is terrible, but itâs reality) we need to be aware/wary of all men. So itâs essential for him to take that into account and think about what is polite and friendly, and what could be intrusive or unsettling. He gets that. He remembers what it was like to be smaller and walking for the bus and being nervous, and he also has a small mom and he recognizes that various situations will naturally feel differently for me, than they will for him now that heâs close to 6â tall.
And I do expect him to be polite, and to give a small smile and nod to people as he walks past them on a street, and to also know contextually when to dial that upâsuch as when we visit his grandparents in their older adult communityâthere, to both smile and also say âhelloâ or âgood morningâ to all the people that live and work there. To make friendly small talk in the elevator, or as weâre walking down a hallway with the residents.
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? Spouse and I are polar opposites when it comes to political views. And we both talk about politics constantly. I know several young couples who are not at all aligned politically and it doesnât seem to be problematic.
I think how those views may impact someoneâs desired lifestyle could be problematic- he wants to leave Boston because itâs too liberal and move to Florida; she canât imagine living there- not now, not ever. She thinks that SNAP enables able-bodied people to sit home and watch TV, he wants to go back to school to become a social worker to help foster families get access to the benefits to which they are legally entitled.
But those issues have been perennial. As a child of a refugee- itâs never been easy to pick up stakes, even when the couple is on the same page politically.
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It seems there are some people who have started on this thread, but would people like a CC Matchmaking thread? And then people could just post there? If there is a true desire to find people wanting to set up their kids, posts that are deep into other threads might not be the easiest to be found.
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I think itâs hard for me to think that my daughter has the less ambitious career and gets to do the laundry and plan play dates because sheâs married to a physician. I donât think she has a regular job as an engineer with a masters. Just because she makes less money, she has no debt, he does. He has considerable more PTO. Itâs hard for me to wrap my mind around that thinking, just because heâs got a medical degree.
I think we are going to have to agree to disagree about politics. It was a factor in the people my daughter dated before she was in the relationship sheâs in now. It is a factor in some of her friendships. Maybe it isnât for all, but I do think itâs a factor for some.
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I respect that your experience is different than mine. H and I try to go to the polls together; we donât agree on much politically, but we both think that every single voter needs to vote-- mayoral race, local representative, statewide office- no matter how âoff yearâ the election is. I understand that he had a different upbringing than I did-- and that he sees the world differently and thatâs ok.
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A few thoughts. Back to the appearance thing, I think young women are ( or think they are) between a rock and a hard space. They are expected to look good but not be high maintenance. Even Cindy Crawford famously once said that SHE didnât look like Cindy Crawford when she got out of bed in the morning.
I know several young couples ( late 20- 30âs) where the woman is the primary breadwinner. It does not seem to be an issue. In fact, it seems less an issue than it was years ago.
As for the headphones- itâs advised for personal safety to wear only one ear bud( I know thatâs not the same as headphones). I totally get not wanting to be approached all the time ( or at certain times/places).
As for politics- itâs a huge deal breaker for the young people I know. Politics has become far more polarizing in the last several years.
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Agree with so much of this, and also think there are definitely cultural components to lots of interaction expectations. 
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My daughterâs boyfriend used to make more than her, but he is 3 years older and had an MBA when they started working. In the last 6 years sheâs overtaken him. He still has the better work/life balance because his employer is just nicer.
I think most of their friends have pretty equal salaries in the partnership. Normally youâd think the woman has the higher maintenance cost, but Dâs (now)husband has expensive hobbies like golfing and hunting. His first duck hunting trip cost like $800 (outfits, license, transportation) when he could have just bought a duck at Costco for about $15, all cleaned and ready to cook.
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While there are numerous exceptions, there is absolutely a gender difference in averages, particularly for online dating type platforms. An example study is at https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0956797620904154 . Abstract is quoted below:
Support for universal sex differences in preferences remains robust: Men, more than women, prefer attractive, young mates, and women, more than men, prefer older mates with financial prospects.
The Pew survey that was reference in the thread found a similar pattern, which contributes to why there was a such a discrepancy in portion of available singles by age. Example stats are below:
Men of all ages â ~30% are single
Women of all ages â ~30% are single
Men Age 18-29 â 63% are single
Women Age 18-29 â 34% are single
My personal experience with using online dating websites and talking with both men and women who have used such platforms fits with this experience. Attractive younger women who live in a well populated area and have a profile on such sites tend to get a large number of responses. Iâve heard of >100 per day. In terms of sheer volume of responses, it often makes little difference what job they have, how much they earn, or what else they put in their profile. Thatâs not particularly important for many (not all) of the men sending replies.
In contrast women are more likely to have a good sized checklist of criteria that are important in their partner â height, finances/job, personality, would be a good parent, etc. They are on average more likely to be forgiving about appearance, if their partner excels in other factors.
This reminds of a Seinfeld episode in which Jerry says:
- Jerry: Women need to like the job of the guy theyâre with. If they donât like the job, they donât like the guy. Men know this, which is why we make up the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have. âRight now, Iâm the regional management supervisor. Iâm in development, research, consulting.â Men, on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman, are not that concerned with her job, are we? Men donât really care. Men will just go, âReally? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work? That sounds interesting. So, what, you got a big cleaver there? You just lopping their heads off? That sounds great. Listen, why donât you shower up, and weâll get some burgers and catch a movie?â
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The other issue in my opinion is, if a male were to approach a female to initiate small talk in any of those locations, they would likely be judged as âcreepyâ by the female. That is just the current reality.
âAttractive, younger womenâ get lots of responses. So women who are not attractive or a bit older get screened out?
Seems itâs not just women who are picky.
And it circles back to women needing to be attractive, but also judged for being high maintenance.
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Several months ago I went out to eat alone after a day of shopping. I decided to treat myself to a really nice restaurant with good wine. I brought a book in, ordered dinner, and a lovely cabernet. Across from me was a table of several âolderâ couples. After I had eaten my dinner one of the men at the other table came over. He complimented my outfit and told âI just want you to know⊠it will get better.â LOL. He thought I was a sad, lonely woman who needed cheering up. I guess I must have really looked pathetic.
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That is absolutely horrible!
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