<p>It hasn’t occurred yet, but my father is in hospice care and is declining rapidly. His nurse said he thought he had a few more weeks, tops. On Monday, we drop our daughter off at college for her first-year orientation. </p>
<p>We live on the east coast; my parents live in the Seattle area. Obviously, I will go to the funeral when the time comes, but I’m wondering if it is right to ask our daughter to take a few days off and fly across the country (she will be at Wellesley) her very first semester? Or would it be worse not to do so?</p>
<p>She is really torn, as am I. We were just out there last month, saying goodbye, so there aren’t any loose ends to tie off as far as my dad is concerned, but I still want to do what is right.</p>
<p>We will have time to plan, as my dad is donating his body for research, so the funeral won’t take place until a few weeks after his death when they get the ashes back. (Sorry if this is TMI, but it’s relevant to our decision.)</p>
<p>I am very sorry that you are facing this situation.</p>
<p>My answer to you would be to see what is going on with your daughter at the time. If she were doing midterms or had a significant number of deadlines, I wouldn’t take her out of school. It could be very disruptive at a delicate time. Alternatively, if things were quiet at school and everything under control, and your daughter wanted to go, you should consider letting her do so.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear about your father, Massmomm. When my MIL died last year, 2 of her grandchildren were in college at the time (my son and a nephew). Because she was cremated, the memorial service was held a few weeks after her death. It was on a Saturday and the college kids did come(my son drove about 6 hours and nephew flew with a direct flight ). However, we had some time to look at schedules. However,if your daughter’s schedule does not permit, I’m sure people would understand. Would there be a possibility to plan it during a holiday break?</p>
<p>I would just wait and see. Let your daughter decide when the time comes. She will know what is two weeks out on her schedule. It might also come at a time she is homesick. Or on break. Or in midterms.</p>
<p>I’m not sure what you’re getting at by “what is right” or “be worse.” There’s no one right answer there. Do what makes sense for your family.</p>
<p>Personally, if my D were not insistent on attending a grandparent’s funeral, it wouldn’t occur to me to suggest that she should. But our family isn’t big on funerals - other than my aunt and cousins who were local, I don’t think there was any family at my grandmother’s funeral.</p>
<p>On a regular weekend, she could make it to a saturday service by flying friday evening, then flying back saturday night redeye or any time sunday. Or a sunday service by flying back sunday night redeye. This would not require time off of school, although people who do not travel well may not find the day back to be too pleasant.</p>
<p>Non-stop flights (to minimize travel time and risk of delays and missed connections) between BOS and SEA are available on Alaska Airlines and Jet Blue Airways.</p>
<p>In other words, if there is scheduling flexibility for the service (i.e. placing it on a weekend), she does not have to miss school to attend the service.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you’re all going through this. I know it’s tough.</p>
<p>
IMO I don’t think you should ‘ask’ her to do any specific thing. The decision should be hers. You should discuss it though.</p>
<p>Again IMO - she recently saw him and was able to say goodbye and that’s far more important than attending what amounts to a brief ceremony, the funeral (although I understand there are some cultures and people who have a different view of this but that doesn’t sound like it’s a factor for you/her).</p>
<p>I can say that if I was the ill person there’s no way I’d want people, especially kids and grandkids, to have to miss courses, incur costs, have major disruptions, etc. just to attend something like a funeral.</p>
<p>I fairly recently was faced with an almost identical situation. In that case I left the decision up to the kid with no pressure from me and if anything, a suggestion that such a trip wasn’t needed and it would be better to stay in school. I said however, that I’d understand and support them if they wanted to come attend the funeral. The kid’s decision was to not come which I think was the right decision.</p>
<p>Our family is not that into the funeral process, and when my mother died my D said, “I’m just glad I had some good time with her while she was still able to remember me.” (my mom had brain cancer)</p>
<p>I don’t think there’s a “right way” or a “wrong way” to answer the question, however, my D is extremely sensitive and I would bet a $ she would have taken a funeral very hard, and as an only child of a single mother, I would bet another $ that she would have had a very hard time going back to school afterward. And she was 3000 miles away, with no family near her school to lean on for support.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to the OP that you are even facing this dilemma. :(</p>
<p>When my (step) grandparents died, they also donated their bodies to science. The memorial services were a couple months later. Nearly the entire far-flung family was able to make it to both services because there was time to plan the travel.</p>
<p>I agree with sevmom and ucbalumnus. Plan the service for a weekend or during a break, it’ll probably be a good time for lots of people.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear of your dad’s illness. Hospice is so supportive of the patient and the family. Is it possible as UC suggested that you would plan a memorial service during the Oct. or Thanksgiving break? It was good that your daughter was able to visit with him last month.</p>
<p>My advice is similar to zoosermom’s and "just"aMom’s. I would definitely think about the potential effect on your daughter if she has to come back so soon after heading off to school. It can be unsettling for kids to come home too soon after starting college, and your daughter might feel guilty or conflicted about going back to school after helping you during the funeral/grieving process. I am sure your father wouldn’t want that, and you wouldn’t either.</p>
<p>I was in a similar situation one year ago. My mother-in-law was in hospice and my daughter was starting her freshman year at college. My daughter did get to see her before she left for school. When my mother-in-law passed away in September, my daughter did not disrupt her new life to come home for the funeral services. Everybody understood and I think it was the best thing to do. I believe that seeing people when they are alive is what is important which your child has already done.</p>
<p>We went thru this twice in the last 4 years. Neither time did our boys leave college to attend the funerals, which were across the country and would have meant missing at least a few days of school each time. They both saw their grands the summer before each died.</p>
<p>Like the others, I am very sorry, Massmomm. Both about your impending loss and about the quandary you’re in.</p>
<p>My mother died about a year and a half ago, while my daughter was abroad on a gap year. She asked me, “Do I have to come home?” I was relieved. I had taken her to see my mother just before she left the country because I knew my mother was not in very robust health. I didn’t want her trekking home from Israel for Nana’s funeral. It turned out all right at the time–obviously we were sad, but nobody faulted her for staying in Israel–and she hasn’t had misgivings since about not coming home.</p>
<p>Unless your daughter feels compelled to travel across the country for the funeral–for her own sake, and not for yours or anyone else’s–I would recommend leaving her in school.</p>
<p>I agree that it conveniently scheduled memorial is a nice idea.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for your well-thought-out replies. It’s especially good to hear from those whose kids chose not to attend the service and felt okay about it, should we go down that route.</p>
<p>My D is very sensitive and has had to go to two funerals in the past month, one for a beloved teacher from her old elementary school, and another for a little boy she taught during her internship (he drowned at summer camp.) For those who may not have a type A kid, it’s very important to her to do the “right” thing, even if it’s not clear what that is. Hence, her dilemma. So I will make it clear to her that she doesn’t have to go and this could be the right choice she’s looking for.</p>
<p>As far as scheduling goes, I don’t have any control over that since my mom will be making the arrangements, but if possible, I will suggest that the funeral take place over a break. My dad has family in Alabama who may want to come.</p>
<p>We fly Alaska Airlines all the time (I’ve been to Seattle 5 times in 13 months) so I am very familiar with flights 12 and 25 (used to be 15)! Even if it’s nonstop, the travel is exhausting and the jet lag can difficult, so I do want D to keep this in mind when making her decision.</p>
<p>My dad died in April while both of my Ds were in college. One was only two hours away and she did come to the wake and funeral. The other was ten hours away and she did not. One of my nieces also did not come home because of the distance. </p>
<p>I don’t know if your mom is still alive but one thing that helped both my D and my mom was that my D called her to see how she was several times around the time of the funeral. My mom knew that she cared and that she would have been here if she could have.</p>
<p>My niece never called my mom or acknowledged her loss in any way. Oh, wait…she did ask my mom if she could have my dad’s car after he died!</p>
<p>My daughter’s friend chose to spend an hour or so in the college chapel, when a close relative died. I don’t think she’s day-to-day religious, but she said felt the effort was her way of marking the passing and it brought her some comfort that she had done that.</p>
<p>Both of my kids where unable to go to my parents’ funerals. Logistics would have been a nightmare and I really didn’t want them to miss school. College classes are hard to catch up. They had seen their grandparents earlier and therefore had good memories which I felt was the most important thing. And to be honest, it was easier for me not to have to figure out how to get them to the funeral (out of state) and back to school (not near where we live).</p>
<p>I think this just so depends. My grandfather died today and I would move heaven and earth to be at his memorial. We had a very close relationship. While talking about it at work today, I realized that many people do not have this relationship with their grandparents and maybe to them it would not seem as important. I think it depends on your D’s relationship with her grandfather and how she feels. I am puzzled by your wording, whether or not to “ask her” to come-- she is the only one who can know whether or not she needs this to say goodbye or whether she feels she needs to go. Taking the time off to go, I think, is not important if she feels any inclination toward going. It sounds weird, but a person only dies once… people are understanding about deaths in the family and she will not miss that much at school, it will work out and be okay if she wants to go. She doesn’t get a do over if she decides to stay at school and regrets it.</p>
<p>If you or she is wondering if she should go for the sake of others wanting to see her or needing to feel that she cares, then that I think is not necessary. She is young and she is in school, she needs to do what is going to make her feel right about this.</p>
That’s just it - there is no defined ‘right thing’ for this like there is for other things (not stealing, not telling a lie, etc.). Doing something like attending a funeral is a very personal choice and things like the logistics, costs, how it would affect the attendee emotionally, etc. should be considered. Attending a funeral is clearly (in my mind at least) NOT always the right thing to do for every individual in every situation.</p>
<p>Your D can decide to not attend and whatever reasons she has for not attending becomes ‘the right thing’ for her case. In other words, she can’t make a ‘wrong decision’ on this unless she forces herself to go because she thinks she ‘should’ to somehow appease someone other than herself or for ‘show’ purposes only.</p>
<p>Let her know that because of timing, many college students end up facing this kind of situation and there’s nothing wrong with any of the students making the choice to not attend a funeral on the other side of the country (or even locally IMO). She can ask herself - if her fellow classmate, friend, roomie was in the same situation and decided not to attend, would your D think the person didn’t do the ‘right thing’? I doubt your D would judge the person that way. The same is true for her - she needs to decide for herself based on her own desires.</p>
<p>And, one can have a very close relationship with the person and it’s still okay not to attend a funeral/memorial. The attendance at these events has no connection to the relationship the people had and not attending doesn’t take anything away from that relationship.</p>