<p>The day before my grandfather’s funeral there was a massive snow fall. My parents asked me not to attempt to travel (about a 6 hour drive under normal circumstances. All trains and flights were cancelled so no alternatives were available) because they would be so worried about me. So I didn’t go and at the time I went to work, kept myself busy and felt fine about it. But now, 3 years later, I still wish I had been able to make it. It is a “what if” thought. What if I had set out. I might have made it. I feel like I let my grandad down, even though no-one blames me for it (I was with him up until the day before he died though). I can never put this right.</p>
<p>Hugs, Ema.
And Massmom, best to you and your family.</p>
<p>Massmomm, my best to you and your family during this difficult time.</p>
<p>My H is a hospice chaplain and my D just graduated from Wellesley. As many have already said, there is no right or wrong answer in what your D should or shouldn’t do.</p>
<p>I will add that my D found Wellesley a very challenging environment academically. She did well and loved it and is really sad she is not returning this fall. It was the perfect place for her. But it is full of Type A’s who do everything in the classic overachieving manner. When the time comes, your D may feel unable to leave because of the stress and pressure of keeping her head above water. She may not feel that way, but wanted to warn you just in case.</p>
<p>When my dad died last October, 3 of the grandchildren had just started college. They were welcome to come to the mid-week funeral, but we did not “ask” them. They had recently seen their grandfather and knew he was dying. They all decided on their own that they had already said their goodbyes, the logistics of attending were overwhelming, and they did not attend.</p>
<p>The 2 grandsons 2000 miles away also did not attend, my 14 yr old D asked to go to school and have a normal day and not attend the funeral so I honored her choice. The other 4 grandsons chose to attend. </p>
<p>I really believe this is such and individual and personal matter that you have to ask your daughter her preference. And then be okay with it either way.</p>
<p>Will there be a display of photos and mementos or a slide show or something like that at your father’s memorial?</p>
<p>If there is, your daughter might like to have someone take pictures for her or send her a copy of the slides, so that she can share in the same memories and family history, even though she is far away.</p>
<p>I agree with the comments that there is not a right answer.</p>
<p>After that to me it seems most posters are saying that while actually advocating for the student to stay on campus and not go to the funeral. </p>
<p>
My grandmother died during the study period before finals the fall of my freshman year and the funeral conflicted with at least one of my finals. Everyone suggested I stay for the finals because the timing of the funeral stunk for me and my grandmother would want me to stay at school … even though my first reaction was to be there. For me, 36 years later, deciding to miss the funeral is on my top 5 list of regrets in life. I may have received a better grade in Econ 101 but I missed my amazing grandmother’s funeral … the adult me thinks this was one of the most screwed-up priority decisions I ever made. It still haunts me that I did not even try to reschedule finals and go to the funeral.</p>
<p>I am NOT advocating your child go when the time comes. I am advocating that you ask her what she wants in the most neutral way possible and support HER preference and see if there is a way to make it work.</p>
<p>Massmomm - I’d like to add my condolences to those you’re already received. It’s not an easy time, even under the best of circumstances.</p>
<p>I’d also like to join the choir of voices saying there is no single “right way.” Our family tradition is to visit when the individual can enjoy our visit. My inlaws are big on “you’ve seen them enough when alive … but there’s only one funeral.” We’ve left the decision up to our kids, and that’s worked out OK. YMMV.</p>
<p>“Give me my flowers now” My Grandma used to say. She loved the beauty of a flower and smell of flowers and the principle of it as a broader perspective. Too late to be nice or look nice for her when she’s in the ground.
I feel much the same way. I am kind of annoyed when I see guys all spiffy and women looking their best when they go to a funeral or viewing. Hey- don’t come to see me all dressed up and looking good for me then, do it now while I can enjoy the friendship and the beauty. So with my way of thinking, visit while they are alive, and after they’re gone, then attending a service is optional. I don’t mean that to be interpreted as “forget them”. So I am in the camp of those who suggest you try to schedule services at a convenient time, but advise student in advance when it is, and let the student decide.</p>
<p>I like Marian’s idea of having someone take pictures that could be sent to your D. Or she could even participate remotely by writing a eulogy, or her favorite memories, which you could read at the service on her behalf. Or her thoughts could be printed for inclusion in the bulletin.</p>
<p>Heck, these days, it wouldn’t be hard to set up Skype or other video hookup, so that she could watch live.</p>
<p>My brother and I both now have kids at faraway colleges, and we discussed this question last year. We decided that it would probably be too disruptive to the kids for them to miss a week of school (they’d probably want to come home a day or two before and stay for a day or two after). Having said that, if my D really wants to come, it’ll be her choice and I will support her. But I’ll make it very clear that it’s not an obligation.</p>
<p>I have a father who’s failing too, and my sympathies are with you. It’s so hard.</p>
<p>Actually, there are funeral homes that provide a broadcast of a service for those who can’t attend. Although it may not be the actual service that someone doesn’t want to miss, it’s being with all the other family members and friends who are there.</p>
<p>I have a friend who’s husband recently died. On FB I viewed the slideshow that was playing at the funeral home during visitation the day before I went to the visitation.</p>
<p>So there is the option to use technology to help those who cannot attend in person feel more connected.</p>
<p>I would also leave it completely up to your daughter. When my Pop (Mum’s Dad) died, the funeral was scheduled on the same date as accounting exams I had been studying for for 6 months. I didn’t go to the funeral. I don’t have any regrets except for a mild one of wishing I had been there to support my Mum. She understood why and never put any guilt trips on me.</p>
<p>If she would feel bad about not going, then perhaps your Mom would be willing to work with you on something date wise as timing seems more flexible in your situation.</p>
<p>Ema, so sorry for your loss.
Massmom, so sorry for what you’re going through at this time.</p>
<p>We’re Jewish, so funerals are usually the day after dying. When my MIL died, S1 was in college, but she died 2 days after he came home for winter break. Had she died a few days earlier, he wouldn’t have made it home for the funeral since he would’ve been in the midst of finals.<br>
When my FIL died, S2 was in college and had some weekly 3 hour seminars he would’ve missed. It was also difficult to arrange viable transportation since we lived 3 hours away from the funeral and we didn’t know if he should come home or to the cemetery directly. We would’ve had to go directly to the airport or train station right after the funeral for him to get back to school and DH preferred to spend time with his family rather than deal with S2’s transportation issues. In addition to S2, one of my nephews missed the funeral as well.</p>
<p>I would let your D decide, but let her know that you’re OK with whatever she chooses.</p>
<p>I’m with cupcake and 3togo. When I was a child, I missed my grandparents’ funerals because my parents thought I was too young to attend. (I was ten.) It was a long, long time ago, but I still regret not being there. </p>
<p>I didn’t know it at the time, but I’m the type of person who finds the ceremonial good-bye helpful. So, unless your daughter is quite sure that she doesn’t need the funeral for her own closure, I’d suggest she attend even if it’s a bit of a hassle. </p>
<p>(My own kids traveled all the way across the country for their great-grandmother’s funeral even though I told them they didn’t have to. They didn’t hesitate for a second, so maybe it’ll be an easy decision for your daughter, too.)</p>
<p>I’m very sorry for your impending loss.</p>
<p>Another option: when she does come home, might your family do something together (plant a tree in your yard, dedicate a bench in a park, …) in honor of her grandmother?</p>
<p>I have a tree in memory of a sister, and on my walks I see several park or mountain walk benches dedicated to the memory of others who have passed. I’d think that they must bring a lot of comfort to the families.</p>
<p>
I can’t imagine anyone really wanting to see pictures or a video of a funeral. I suppose there are some people who’d want to see pictures of it but it sounds pretty morbid to me. I sure wouldn’t want to. It kind of misses the point of the reasons most people attend funerals (to show support, to get some closure for themselves, because they think they need to for proper protocol, etc.) which is why is strikes me as somewhat pointless and morbid to just look at a picture/video of one but to each his/her own and if someone felt this would help them then it may be a good idea for those individuals.</p>
<p>My father passed away after lingering for a week. My son was scheduled to leave for Rome on a HS orchestra trip a few days before he passed away, so we did not make him stay home for the funeral. </p>
<p>Very sorry for your loss. One of my customers told me that losing a parent feels like you have lost a limb. This is true, and even after three years, you ache for them.</p>
<p>A year after his passing, we found a message left on our phone by my father several months before he passed away, and when I really miss him, I play it back.</p>
<p>We are going to face this dilemna in the not to far future. My mother is having my father cremated and we will have a private ceremony at a time that is convenient for our family. We have had several close friends do the same (postpone the family gathering.) I suppose one’s religion may dictate what can or should be done, but postponing a gathering/wake/ceremony I don’t think is becomning unusual.</p>
<p>When my Dad died they were in a fairly new-to-them town so no funeral and no memorial. Instead we let everyone, near & far, know that at a certain time on a certain day, we would do a memorial toast to him with his favorite beverage. Grandkids abroad, nieces, nephews, cousins, kids, we all did the toast. Within 15 minutes of that time, the photos began to trickle in. My mother loved it, all day and all week, photos kept coming in. I created an online slide show and share it several times a year with her. She loves being reminded how many people made the effort to particpate- family, yes, but also old friends, old co-workers & co-volunteers as well as old friends of the nearby grandkids. It was sweet!</p>
<p>somemom, that’s lovely.</p>
<p>I don’t know if I’m off-base, but was thinking about the video aspect a little more. When D’s bf graduated, we could not attend, but I did attend virtually through the live webcast. The weather was miserable and I initially logged in to check on the conditions, but then stayed on for the ceremony and got to hear bf’s name and see him accept his diploma. I did a “print screen” and sent the photo to D, who shared it with bf’s family. Between their seats and the miserable weather they couldn’t see anything, and were incredibly grateful for the close-up photo. </p>
<p>And I really felt between watching the live webcast and through communication with those there in person that I was a part of the event.</p>
<p>Agreed that there is no one right answer, though your daughter can still find the best answer for her when the time comes. First year of college, it is hard to anticipate what an unplanned for absence could mean and some professors are happy to flex and others will not. </p>
<p>We had an untimely death of my husband’s local relative during my daughter’s first year of college (second semester). She knew this woman and her family well, and it meant a lot for her to be there. She sorted out how to do 4 flights back and forth in 24 hours at a relatively reasonable price and missed one day of school. We decided to spring for the transportation because of how much it mattered to her to be a support to the remaining family and remember the relative. It could have gone another way if there was a major exam with an unforgiving professor then. She was very relieved to be able to share the event with extended family.</p>
<p>Sorry that your family is facing this.</p>