<p>Massmomm, I am so very sorry for what you are going through.
When I read your post, my heart seemed to skip a bit too as I am afraid, I may be in your situation at some point in the near future. My dad is very ill and while he is doing more or less “ok” for now, based on his diagnosis, the prognosis is grim.</p>
<p>My son is starting college next week but will be commuting there. </p>
<p>I agree that the decision has to be your daughter’s and in our case, I’d probably want him not to have to go through something so traumatic but he’s always had a very close relationship with my dad and I couldn’t imagine him deciding not to attend.</p>
<p>As far as the expectations for these kinds of situations, I honestly don’t remember any funerals I attended where a grandchild didn’t attend, well, at least those where I knew the family well enough to even notice that. In our family and our culture, this would mean being disrespectful to the memory of the person who’s passed. I am not saying that it even makes sense to me and honestly, I agree with those of you who say that it’s most important to honor the people while they are still around… </p>
<p>I myself get very traumatized by funerals and sincerely wish I could never go to any of those ever again, I know some people find these services touching and even beautiful, me - it just causes me panic attacks during and lingering anxiety afterwards and it’s just an awful experience…</p>
<p>So much saddness- I am so sorry you are going through this but it is nice to have the “time” hard as it may be to prepare…I agree that there is no “right” answer and conversely, there is no “wrong” answer either…I think it is a choice your daughter has to make and knowing she is loved and supported either way will make it a bit easier…
cupcake and 3 I understand the"regret I missed an important funeral as well and have to live with the fact that there are no “do overs” in these cases…I was so grateful that my kids were able to attend my Dad’s funeral but had they not been able to, I would have sadly understood…it will not be easy for your daughter either way to be sure…
sending you cyber hugs…</p>
<p>Weddings and funerals. Two of the most socially important events for families posing dilemmas.</p>
<p>Please do not let anyone make your D feel badly for whichever choice she makes. She needs to feels she did the “right” thing, whether it be an exhausting weekend across the country or staying at school. I guess this is part of her growing up process- having to make decisions with negatives with either choice. </p>
<p>How do YOU feel about her attendance? How important is it to you that your children attend your father’s funeral? You can minimize any negative feelings with how you treat this issue. As her parent you can do the most to make her feel good/bad about things. You will be going through your own loss as well, regardless of knowing it is coming and his older age.</p>
<p>Has anyone asked your father for his opinion, if he is able to communicate it? Perhaps you shouldn’t if it could add to any guilt factor. I know my 87 year old father would want what is best for his children and grandchildren. Your mother may have different ideas- she could be considered selfish if she expected all of the grandchildren to drop their lives for her.</p>
<p>Finally- your D has already “paid her respects” and had a chance to say goodbye. I certainly expect her to call you at times after his death. Perhaps she will feel a need to ask you how you are doing and want you to support her or give her support to you. The death of a parent/grandparent makes us one less step closer to our own mortality (discovered this when my mother died suddenly of an unexpected heart attack at age 53).</p>
<p>My words are no better (or worse) than anyone else’s. Just more to help you I hope. Everyone seems to be at their worst dealing with death. Best wishes in getting through this time.</p>
<p>Addenda- you are the middle of the sandwich generationally. You get to cope with parents and children. Take care of yourself as well.</p>
<p>Unfortunately there is never a “good” time for these losses to happen. I’m sorry that you and your D are having to cope with this.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else that the choice should be up to your D. That said, if your D feels that she might regret not attending the funeral, she can create makeup arrangements with her professors and her first year advisor. My Wellesley D became ill last year around the scheduled fall break and had to come home for a few days beyond that. The faculty were very accommodating, and it did not seem to have a lasting negative impact on her performance that semester. The other thing is that the first semester GPA is not considered in the overall GPA for Latin honors, so that take a little pressure off the new students.</p>
Two years later, a thanks to all of you. I’m posting this update because this very question will surely arise for a new crop of college students and their parents.
Nine days after I posted my question, my father died. I had emailed the first year dean at Wellesley to make her aware of what was going on and the school was very supportive. The memorial service was held a month later in Seattle. With everyone’s blessing, my daughter decided not to attend. Instead, she wrote a letter that was read at the service, so she was “there” in a way. While we were all in Seattle, she went on a retreat with one of the Wellesley Christian fellowship groups, and it was a very peaceful time for her.
Two years later, this feels like exactly the right decision.
@Massmomm Thanks for the update. As this topic has come full circle, I am going to close this thread to prevent posters from replying to the original message