<p>First time poster here. I really don’t know where to start. My daughter graduated from college in May. She has always been a hard working, respectful and responsible person. We are a middle class family that has always emphasized the importance of education, so although it was a huge struggle, we paid for the majority of her education, although she did take out some loans.</p>
<p>She returned home after graduation, and has been an absolute pain in the neck since. She has tried to find a job, with no luck. We know that the time to get a job right now is the absolute worst, but we feel that she should be applying for at least 2 jobs a day, yet she is only applying for about 2-3 a week, so is getting no where. Instead of being grateful that she has a place to stay during this tough period, she has been disrespectful and at times, just plain mean. She storms out of the house slamming the door if she is unhappy with us for any reason. One time I drove after her after she left the house to find out what was wrong, and she actually threw a rock at my car. We have tried to be very patient, but patience is wearing thin. We know that after all of her hard work she is resentful that she is in the position she is…living at home without a job. We get that. But we also feel that it does not give her the right to act the way she does. We have said this to her, but she just gets mad and leaves.</p>
<p>I realize that at school she had a very full life and is now very frustrated about not finding work, but it is very hurtful that she is being so “mean”. Although she graduated with honors, I find myself actually disappointed in her because of her behavior and disrespect. I really don’t know how to handle it at this point. I feel as though I have lost my daughter.</p>
<p>I would be very frustrated too…from either position, yours or your daughters.</p>
<p>Perhaps make a condition of living with you that she both look for a job AND find some volunteer job that she could go do regularly so that at least she has some productive use of her time.</p>
<p>I’m thinking Habitat for Humanity or some other organization like that. Or she could contact a grief support group and see if there are any little old ladies (like my mom is right now) who are recently widowed and need help with things around the house because their family is far away. (She needs help with stuff like pulling weeds, etc.)</p>
<p>If she can’t find a paying job, at least a volunteer one would keep her busy and focused on something other than her own woes AND it would probably look good on a resume down the road.</p>
<p>Not knowing her major I don’t know what to suggest that might mesh with that.</p>
<p>Also, I would have a talk with her and ask her if she would treat total strangers, or even her college roommates, or a co-worker, like she is currently treating you. I suspect that the answer is no. Explain to her that you expect the same courtesy from her that she would give to strangers or acquaintences. (Just common courstesy really.)</p>
<p>Also explain to her the concept of ‘fostering goodwill’. She is, currently, dependant on YOUR goodwill so that she has a roof over her head. By treating you badly she is jeopardizing the roof over her head because she is not behaving in a polite and respectful manner that fosters goodwill.</p>
<p>Good advice Mary. One comment on the OP - I don’t think that number of applications filed is a good metric. She may be looking hard - but if there are no openings at a particular company, they may not even accept an application. Doesn’t mean she hasn’t spent time on that company - just that it was a dead end. </p>
<p>It sounds to me like she is running into the same obstacles over and over. My suggestion would be that she stop all looking for a week or two. Spend that time rethinking her strategy - perhaps with help from her school’s career center or if there is another college that is local, they may offer access to services as well. </p>
<p>Once that time is up and she has a new approach, have her also consider a part time job in the late afternoon or evening - working retail perhaps. Having some income coming in will do wonders for her - and prime job hunting hours are 9-3 anyway.</p>
<p>my first job after graduation was at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk hocking fries and chicken sandwhiches. It was demoralizing for sure but I knew it was temporary and a means to an end…it meant I got to live in Santa Cruz. I also picked up part time work at the Gap. Sometimes you gotta just suck it up and take what is out there. </p>
<p>I think scualum and Mary Mary have given great advice and insight. Your D is missing her life and her prospects at this point are dimmed by the bleak economy. I feel for both of you but something will come along and if it isn’t the ideal job in her chosen field then she may have to just take it regardless.</p>
<p>sketcherma - would it help to know that you are not alone?</p>
<p>the transition from college to work can be difficult for many families. Have her keep in touch with her counseling center in college. Most people don’t know that they help grads out and they want to help grads out.</p>
<p>While you can understand she is at a crossroads in her life - definitely set some limits. You are right that she can and needs to control her behavoir. It’s part of living together in a household. There is no such thing as a free lunch.
Time for a conversation. If you are tip-toeing around her at home then take her out to breakfast on Sat am. This is one thing my kids love and will get up for!<br>
A leisurely breakfast with stacks of pancakes etc. and the newspaper is great for starting conversation. She might think you are dissappointed in her. Assure her that you are only disappointed in her actions, NOT her.
Good Luck!</p>
<p>I agree with everyone else, but I want to make a plea for a little more understanding. You and your daughter are not in an equal position at all. </p>
<p>She has been deprived of her life and her friends/support system, is being forced (by economics) to live where she doesn’t want to live and to be subject to rules she doesn’t agree with, is facing constant rejection and uncertainty about her future and place in the world, has no income, and has no base of experience to tell her that things will eventually work out.</p>
<p>You have a daughter you love living in your home with you and acting like . . . well, within the range of typical late adolescent behavior, although not the pleasant end of the range, and she should have outgrown this by now. If this is the worst thing about your life right now, you have things pretty sweet.</p>
<p>No, your daughter’s awful situation does not entitle her to be rude, and it doesn’t mean that you should let the worst parts of her behavior go unchallenged. But cut her a break!</p>
<p>I agree that the young woman should be treating her parents with more respect. That said, I would be really upset if someone expected me to apply for two jobs a day. I think it would be difficult to FIND that many jobs to apply to every day. So, I suspect that part of the young woman’s frustration is that she thinks she is trying hard to find a job and her parents keep complaining she should do more. </p>
<p>She may also have aspirations as to the kind of job she’d like which her parents think are unreasonable in this economy–I don’t know, of course. It can take a while for a kid to decide I have to settle for something less interesting or less lucrative or totally outside the fields of interest to me…and that’s not always a bad thing. </p>
<p>So, yes, tell her that she can’t treat her parents the way she is now–but back off a bit on the insistence that she apply to several jobs a day.</p>
<p>She might try temping–when fall comes and the kids go back to college there will be more temp positions. Sometimes, temping leads to a job offer or better knowledge about what the young grad would like to do for work. It also can help with getting a good reference.</p>
<p>When I think back to when I was that age, I would have done (and actually did) ANYTHING to keep from having to move back into my parents’ house.</p>
<p>I had a B.S. in chemistry, and I was a short-order cook, with little pishers in high school making more money than I, telling me they didn’t like the tuna sandwich I made them. Plus I cashiered at a bookstore. Plus I waitressed part-time. Plus I did any tutoring I could muster up. Yes, I had four jobs, and it was grueling.</p>
<p>But the money I made enabled me to get my own apartment, and I didn’t have to move back home. I think this is key.</p>
<p>I was independent and I was confident. And that combination of independence and confidence gave me enough impetus to go out and get a real job in my field of study…it took me four months, but I will never regret those first grueling (and some humiliating) jobs.</p>
<p>Your daughter should be looking at doing anything and everything to avoid the urge to throw rocks at her Mom’s car.</p>
<p>If she - like so many others - can’t find a “real” job, she needs either a volunteer job (or two) or a part time job (or two) or sign up with a temp agency; something to put structure in her day. If she has no idea, try [VolunteerMatch</a> - Where Volunteering Begins](<a href=“http://www.volunteermatch.org%5DVolunteerMatch”>http://www.volunteermatch.org) for possibilities.</p>
<p>Also, I’m just sayin’, I would probably put the non-emergency number to the police department on a recipe card and tell my kid that if they throw a rock at me, my car, or anything other than a tin can, I will call the police and report it. (I’m not saying I really would, but she should note that this is something someone could do. I’m assuming this was a one-time thing, the big kid equivalent of a temper tantrum.)</p>
<p>We have tried to cut her every break in the book…but when she starts hurling personal insults it just gets overwhelming. I also went through tough times after school, but I would NEVER, EVER have taken it out to this extent on my mom and family in general. (Last night comment was she hopes that she does not look like me) After awhile, it cuts like a knife, even though I know the reason behind it. It still hurts.</p>
<p>She did take a break from looking for work for 2 weeks when she traveled around a bit with a friend. I thought it would give her new perspective to come back and really start pounding the pavement. I have suggested her school’s career center, but she insists they mainly have listings for engineering type jobs, which is not her field of study. Also, since she is half way across the country from her school, they do not have many (if any) local listings. She is now planning another 2 week vacation back to her college town.</p>
<p>Heyalb…I agree. She should get anything at this point, or any combination of things. I actually suggested the tutoring thing, but she asked me sarcastically where she was supposed to look for these tutoring jobs. She has registered at the local temp agency, but no call as yet. </p>
<p>We do not insist that she apply to several jobs a day…we have maybe suggested it once. I also realize that the number of apps filed is not a good gauge of how hard she is trying, but to some extent it is a numbers game. The area that we live is considered the top area in the country for her major. I know that she IS trying. I know that she does not have a lazy bone in her body. I know that she misses her college life. </p>
<p>This entire situation is creating a lot of stress in our household.</p>
<p>How is she going to pay for this new vacation? As some earlier posters stated she should be finding some interim jobs to maintain some income. Also it would be a good idea to see about networking. I didn’t catch what field she was trying to get hired in, but see if those professionals belong to specific societies, etc and join to get connections.</p>
<p>heyalb–necessity is the mother of invention.</p>
<p>While I agree with JHS’s assessment of where poster’s daughter is coming from, heyalb has a solution that a lot of us used.</p>
<p>My personal experience was graduating in 1972 with draft number 18. I worked hard labor with a college degree to support myself. I was 22. After I graduated, HOME was where I lived, not my parents’ place. They had done all they owed me.</p>
<p>Erin’s Dad-I have no idea how she intends to pay for this. Airfare alone will be about $500, not to mention spending money for 2 weeks, although she will be staying with friends. I have not asked, and she has not said. Reservations have not been made yet, though. We also feel that she should be getting an interim job for income (as does she).</p>
<p>The only entitled person in this scenario is you. You are entitled to respect. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt. I certainly have a lot less patience than you do!</p>
<p>I have posted before that I would not tolerate the kind of behavior you describe for your D. My house, my rules, and watch your language. Not that my kids ever engaged in that behavior, even when they were frustrated.
It’s not enough to put your name down at a temp agency, especially if you don’t have very specific marketable skills. You need to look up job ads, pound the pavement, and take whatever job is available, whether it’s as a cashier of grocery bagger or going door to door soliciting donations for a cause. Your D should be told that she must contribute to household expenses (even if you can afford it easily) and to her share of household chores. If she is unwilling to do so and to treat you with due courtesy, she should find some other place to live. And you should act as if you mean it.
The fact that she is planning on another vacation shows that she does not take her financial situation and responsibilities very seriously.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for your replies. I have tried SO hard to be patient, and the ONLY thing we expect from her at this point is respectful behavior. This has never been an issue in our home before, so I am really confused about how to handle it. </p>
<p>I also believe that she should be out pounding the pavement. I have hesitated expressing my thoughts on another “vacation” because I am trying to avoid another confrontation. But I also believe that her job now is to do whatever it takes to become independent, not going on another vacation. </p>
<p>I told her earlier his week that I am tired of the disrespectful behavior, and she told me to go away. When I pressed the subject, she just walked out. It has been an awful situation, and I am also dealing with a very ill mom, so don’t need the stress!!</p>
<p>What was your daughter’s “plan” when she graduated from college? Did you offer to have her move back home or was this a choice SHE made? When this decision was made, were there any “ground rules” set up? What were her expectations and yours going into this arrangement?</p>
<p>This is not the brightest economy…but there ARE jobs out there. Some are low paying and perhaps not all that interesting…but they are jobs. I hope we don’t get to this…but next year if our DD wants to move home and ASKS about that…we will discuss OUR expectations if she moves back home before it happens, and this WILL include her contributing (even minimally in services and money) to the household. That’s what the rest of us are doing who live here!</p>
<p>How is the OPs daughter funding her “vacation to her college town”? Whose car/gas/money is she using for this trip? I’m not saying it’s a horrible idea, but if she’s down and out financially…a trip should not be in the cards UNLESS it is for the express purpose of finding a job.</p>
<p>“I am really confused about how to handle it.”
It might be time for a family counselor. If she wants to stay, she should be required to attend a session with you so a third party can lay out a few respectful ground rules and possibly “help” her with some inter personal skills. If not…she should extend that “vacation” indefinately on her own dime.</p>