<p>Kick her out. She’ll realize what she’s missing when she is forced to work at burger king 60 hours a week.</p>
<p>If she is visiting the college town…does she have concrete plans/appointments at the college career center? And with professors she has had to see what help/direction/connections they can give her?</p>
<p>Maybe ya’ll could move while she is out of town!! </p>
<p>–That’s a joke, but don’t think some parents haven’t thought about it.</p>
<p>Sketcherma:</p>
<p>It looks like you are the proverbial sandwich generation standard-bearer, between a very ill mom and a frustrating child! No doubt she is anxious and is taking her anxieties out on you. And you are upset and stressed. I agree that you should go to a third party with your D so that you can discuss this in a relatively calm manner. You can express your sympathy for her difficulties in finding a job but you can also tell her what your expectations are in terms of contributing to the household and of general behavior. It’s not just for your sake, but also for her sake that she needs to have greater structure and to live by certain minimal standards. This will help her when she actually does line up a job.</p>
<p>Good luck to you!</p>
<p>I think you might want to get some trusted third party to sit down with you and your daughter to discuss this situation–a clergyman, or a family friend. Everyone is obviously stressed out, and the fact that you’ve never had problems like this before suggests to me that you might need some help.</p>
<p>cross-posted with marite…we agree.</p>
<p>Wow, going on a two week vacation costing at least $500 when she doesn’t have a steady income? That just seems crazy to me.</p>
<p>I hate to say it, but I foresee a “shape up or move out” ultimatum in her future. Though you might try counseling to prevent it from getting to that point.</p>
<p>Was just going to suggest a third party, preferably a counselor good with this age and this time of transition. </p>
<p>Volunteering can be the best way to get a job, so it is not just a way to keep busy. I got my first great job by volunteering, then doing p/t work, then f/t, and within a year and a half I had my dream job. For new grads, this can be a great way to get started, and the organizations know that young people are looking for work.</p>
<p>Another suggestion is for her to try to get a roommate situation somewhere, and not live at home. Craigslist is great for this. Or, she could go back and live in her college town if she prefers. The money she is spending traveling could be used for rent instead. Sharing an apartment or house can be quite cost effective, and it also provides a lot of motivation to work. Living outside your home, with peers, can also help her feel that life is not over, and there is still something ahead.</p>
<p>If I were you, I would even consider a loan (with signed agreement!) for this purpose!</p>
<p>I would even say, and maybe this helps, that the closer the connection to parents while growing up, the harder it is to return. The kids are afraid of getting sucked back in, and losing all the ground they gained in college. If you are pleasant, caring parents and your home is comfy, this anxiety can be even greater. So she has to act this way, perhaps, to prevent herself from truly going home.</p>
<p>Your relationship will improve, and she will be courteous to you again, once this feeling of threat is gone, either by getting a handle on things with a counselor who makes things “safe” again, or through the detachment regained by living elsewhere. Building a new self with volunteering and/or working will strengthen her enough so that she won’t feel threatened, but that will take some time.</p>
<p>Good luck. Our son has moved to the other coast, and, even with a job to go to, he was very unpleasant while he was here for a few weeks. I think it means he loves us, and doesn’t want to go backward and then miss us when he left again. We now have a great relationship on the phone, and I look forward to having the same in person, once he is settled in his new life.</p>
<p>This is a situation many of us may face at some point, and some of us have already dealt with it. Ideally we would expect our D1 to have a job as soon as she graduates in two years, and to live by herself. As most of us know, things don’t always work out as expected. I have been thinking about this more lately, as D1 is getting closer to graduation.</p>
<p>I think I would start the conversation the summer of her Junior year to lay out some ground rules if she should want (need) to live at home for a short period of time - rent, house chores, use of car, curfew (as in not to disrupt us with her coming and going on work days). I would let her know if she couldn’t accept those ground rules, then she would have to move out. If she should ever need to move back home, we could still be as sympathetic as we want with her situation, and still stick by our agreement. My personal experience is the worst time to come up with rules (especially with family members) is when you need the rules because then it becomes too personal and may be seen as arbitrary.</p>
<p>I don’t think OP had an agreement with her daughter before hand. I agree the daughter shouldn’t go on another trip because if she has the money it should be used to contribute to her stay at her parents’ house. But if the mother is to suggest it now, the daughter will view it as her mother’s way of controlling her, punishing her, and not understanding the frustrating situation she is in. At this point, I would let the trip go, but have an unemotional discussion (no personal attacks) about expectations - 1) daughter has X months to move out, 2) she is to contribute $Y for expenses, 3) chores around the house, 4) use of family car…As far as job hunting, she needs to do it on her own. Whether she “needs” to get jobs outside of her interest is also her business. What’s important is she pays for her to pay her share of expenses and move out in X months. My friend’s father used to wake him up the first of every month to collect rent from him. The father said a landlord wouldn’t wait so why should he. His father gave the money back to him when he moved out.</p>
<p>OP - good luck. This is not easy.</p>
<p>
That’s a great story.</p>
<p>07Dad - I knew someone who did just that. They had a grown child and his girlfriend living with them (late 20’s or so) and bought a house down the street.<br>
It was only two bedrooms and they no longer had any room for grown children. They moved out and gave the son a deadline to either buy the house or move out. He bought the house. </p>
<p>I agree with Hunt and Marite - could be time for some 3rd party mediation.</p>
<p>sketch…my sympathies. I find this very interesting as we may be dealing with this situation for the first time next year…and we are already working on formulating rules. </p>
<p>Looking at what you’re going through, I think the rock throwing incident would have put me over the edge. Wow. She’ll probably be very embarrassed about this, looking back, when things hopefully turn around in a better direction. </p>
<p>In any case, I agree that a third party makes sense. Seems you need to set some rules going forward and she can take them or leave them. Compassion for her situation makes sense but you don’t need to be a doormat! If things continue on the same path, perhaps the loan to get her out of the house makes sense. Free up the funds and set a timetable. </p>
<p>Now the vacation…hmmm…my kneejerk reaction is that this is a pretty bold and unrealistic plan. But on second thought, maybe both of you could use some time apart. She is stressed…you are stressed. $500 or even $1000 in the long run makes little difference here. Make it the break. Set the new rules on her return and tell her you really hope it works cause it would be a shame for her to have the extra expense of her own apartment. Just a thought…</p>
<p>Another consideration- are both parents in complete agreement on things? One can want one thing whereas the other undermines them with more lax expectaions. This is something we parents have to work out with each other, hopefully our son will have a grad school lined up and we will be fine. If it helps, her behavior is more likely generated with by frustrations with herself than you, just as unpleasant but not your fault.</p>
<p>A vacation? A vacation???</p>
<p>And everyone is talking about applying for jobs. That’s fine and dandy, but there are no jobs available for which one can apply.</p>
<p>You need to make jobs in this economy.</p>
<p>The world is full of dopey kids and parents who will pay to make their kids less dopey. Your daughter can zero in on this. This is where she “applies” for tutoring jobs. In other words, pound the pavement!!!</p>
<p>Put up signs in local schools (elementary to high, plus colleges). What did she major in? “Art history honors graduate will drill you in Van Gogh!” If she majored in math, even better.</p>
<p>Heck, when my son was 16, he was tutoring math. Don’t think for a second that those jobs were “advertised”.</p>
<p>Sorry, I’ve had a glass of wine, hence my rant. OP’s daughter has driven me to drink.</p>
<p>I would make the suggestion of deciding what you are willing to put with while she is living with you, and what you will not put up with. I would also decide what the consequences would be if she does not live within your rules. You really cannot control what she does and does not do, but you are entitled to have your rules under your roof. If she is planning a vacation without having the funds, it is not your problem. Do not make it your problem. Let her know that you do not intend to pay for the trip if she charges it, unless you want to do so. I would let her know that slamming doors and throwing a rock is not acceptable, and if she behaves in a “violent” manner the consequence will be xyz. This is just my opinion. I do not know your D, so if I misread what I read about your daughter please do not feel offended. Also, if she has credit cards, I would just have a quick look to make sure that she is not charging on them if you are responsible for the payments as well.</p>
<p>Back to the OP’s daughter’s question about how to find tutoring jobs:</p>
<p>You find tutoring jobs by posting your availability on craigslist. (Pretty soon there will be kids wanting help studying for fall SATs and ACTs.)</p>
<p>Also, sometimes summer programs end at the end of July and elementary school aged kids don’t go back to school til September; perhaps she could find a nanny job on craigslist.</p>
<p>I want to let you know that your situation is not unique. Many parents are dealing (or have dealt) with this situation. It is sometimes difficult for a college grad to return home to live and especially they are unwilling to accept certain mode of behavior. It is infinitely harder to parent an adult child.</p>
<p>I suspect that your daughter’s little vacation may be her chance to look for jobs in her college town where she has friends. My D did that also. After graduation she moved to the other coast where she couch surfed with friends and found a job. But her move was official instead of a “vacation.”</p>
<p>Meanwhile perhaps you can write out all the rules and responsibility that you expect from her in order to provide free room and board and try to stay away from discussing “sensitive” topics.</p>
<p>I have a hard time believing any parent on this board thinks this child needs a “break!!” Are you kidding? OP’s daughter has been ungrateful, disrespectful, and down right rude. She has exhibited aggressive and dangerous behavior. I am the mother of eight children, 4 by marriage as their mother unfortunately lost her battle with cancer when they were only small children. Even with their troubled pasts, not one of these kids would EVER speak to me or my husband that way. The OP’s daughter behaves the way she does because she can. At one time or another has been allowed. </p>
<p>All I can say if one of my kids walked away from me when I was speaking, I simply would not let them back in the house. This young women has the means to “drive away” and I assure you the parents are footing the bill for that. (Car, insurance etc)</p>
<p>OP’s daughter can find a job. She just has not found the one she wants. There is the big issue. I have sons with their degrees hanging on our walls, that wait tables, but are 100% on their own. Would they rather be working in their field? Certainly!! But the fact is they can’t locate a position that fits their skill set, and the are willing to do what it takes to not live at home.</p>
<p>We do have a son that recently moved home to go to grad school. His rules at 22 are the same as our 16 year old daughter. He has a curfew and it is not about his safety (although a great benefit) but about MY peace of mind. When I have a child out of the house, I simply can not sleep. I worry, and my kids know that. I will not loose sleep because a 22 year old feels entitled to “go out.” What parents want to be asleep at 2 AM and we woken up by the alarm door chime?? If they want that entitlement, they need to EARN it. Being at college and earning a degree does not an adult make. We are happy to have our son here, but at the same time he is grateful, helps around the house and makes an effort to show us he appreciates it.</p>
<p>OP’s daughter should be putting her parents at the top of her grateful list. Her behavior seems to indicate that she is resentful for living at home. GROW UP!! Be grateful. If she can’t muster up some gratitude, she should move out. Actually if she were my child and treating me like that, she would have been gone long ago.</p>
<p>I’m glad I’m not one of your 8 kids.</p>
<p>" have a hard time believing any parent on this board thinks this child needs a “break!!” Are you kidding? OP’s daughter has been ungrateful, disrespectful, and down right rude. She has exhibited aggressive and dangerous behavior. I am the mother of eight children, 4 by marriage as their mother unfortunately lost her battle with cancer when they were only small children. Even with their troubled pasts, not one of these kids would EVER speak to me or my husband that way. The OP’s daughter behaves the way she does because she can. At one time or another has been allowed. "</p>
<p>I agree. The rock-throwing incident would have ended the D’s stay at my house. Anyone who would do something so violent to me wouldn’t deserve to live with me. Also, if the D can afford to go on vacation, she can afford to stay elsewhere.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m perhaps the one parent on this board who thinks it’s OK for this kid to take a break…as long as the parents aren’t paying for it. Things are bad. A brief separation might help. Then deal with it.<br>
It’s absolutely horrible to be dependent on someone when you don’t want to be. I feel for both the parent and the daughter here. Maybe I’m just weird but I have compassion on both sides.
Rock throwing though…wow…I agree that’s crazy stuff. One more violent incident and the suitcases are packed and waiting outside the door… and the locks are changed. I would give a STRONG warning on this.</p>