<p>Hope y’all don’t mind some venting, despite my infrequent posts. This is my kids’ last semester in college. S has been in pain/sick nearly the entire semester. I drove up nearly two wks. ago to take him to a dr. appt., instead rushed him to ER, and he remains in the hospital where he’s not been making good progress after emergency surgery. He has enough credits to graduate anyway, but plans to return next semester to pick up some courses needed for prof. certification. D has never phoned to let us know when her brother was ill, or the times that he spent two days in bed in pain. She shrugged it off as his usual odd hours or over reacting to the pain.</p>
<p>Last month, during S’s first hospital stay, dh & I told D that we need for her to pitch in and help out more. The kids live in a house we had built (largely at D’s request), about 2 hrs. from home. I even offered to hire a maid service, if she would get the house decluttered enough for someone else to clean. D never acted on our request. When I returned last wk., the trash hadn’t been taken to the street for a long time, the kitchen was disgusting, and the entire house was a mess. D said she was too busy w/ school & her job search, but hasn’t let that interfere w/ her ECs. I requested that she spend time over the weekend and left a detailed list on the refrigerator. It took over a week for those five items to be completed. Meanwhile, I was doing grocery shopping, meal prep and dishes after spending a full day tending to S at the hospital (Dh takes the night shift, as there’s a nursing shortage and we want someone with S 24/7.)</p>
<p>The first few nights when I returned to the house, D wanted to show me a web comic or talk about her job search; she never asked about S. When I pointed that out, she said she figured that I’d call her if something major happened. Since then, I have shown no interest in her chatter until she stops long enough to ask what sort of day her brother had. Dh is upset and saddened; his boss and coworkers have asked after S far more than D. It’s not as if they have a bad relationship or fight a lot; she just doesn’t seem to think of anyone else.</p>
<p>Earlier this week, I told D that she was to spend Friday afternoon tidying the house, and was pretty specific about my expectations. When I returned last night, it was clear that little had been done. While she’d cleaned her own bathroom and tidied her bedroom, the rest of the house was still cluttered and dirty. She thought it was good enough and resented my criticism, informing me that if she hadn’t agreed that the house messy before she would not have done anything at all. At that point, I told her that if she had failed to act on my instructions, she would have been looking for someplace else to live. I’m fed up with her attitude of entitlement and her lack of concern for others.</p>
<p>We’ve paid D’s way, other than her academic scholarships, including a car, a trip abroad, spending money, etc. She was expecting to live in this house for up to six months after graduation, while she saves her money to buy a small house of her own, and we’ve already deposited the $10K we promised each child as a graduation gift. Dh & I intended to sell the house immediately after graduation, but postponed our plans due to S’s health problems.</p>
<p>I realize that I am tired, stressed and probably not thinking clearly. But I am disappointed and frankly disgusted with D right now. She was not reared to be self-centered. We did all sorts of projects to help others when the kids were younger, and we’ve always made giving to others a priority. I was involved in the care of my aging parents for a long while, and we’ve done as much as possible for dh’s family. The kids didn’t lack for attention, either, as we homeschooled and dh included them on his business trips most of the time.
I feel as if I don’t know D any more, and I surely don’t like the person she has become. We’ve tried to stress to our kids that we care more about their character and happiness than about their academic achivements and eventual career success. D has chosen to focus on being the top in her class at the expense of all else, and looks down on people who are not as smart or academically gifted. Dh has tried to show her how his own career success has depended at least as much on his ability to work with others as on his expertise and skills, but she ignores him. We’ve both shown an interest in her job search, even since S’s hospitalization, so it’s not like she’s being ignored.</p>
<p>Dh commented last night that once S is okay, and we return home, we need to get serious about making long term care arrangements for ourselves. He never wants to count on our children, and especially not on D, for our care in our old age. He’s heartbroken. </p>
<p>I feel as if the only way I can get through the coming weeks will be to avoid interacting with D as much as possible. We exchanged very heated words last night, and if there’s another such discussion then I think we may have a long, if not permanent, estrangement.</p>