Disclosing Salary to Dad

Parent Cafe
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<p>It’s a little demoralizing, but don’t worry, mostly your Dad will be tickled pink. Our older son is making very close to what his Dad (tenured professor) makes. With bonuses who knows. We just ask for more expensive presents now when he asks for birthday ideas. ;)</p>

<p>That said I wouldn’t tell him unless he asks, and if you think it will bother him, it’s fine to be vague. We know because our son left the offer hanging around and we likely asked. We also wanted to make sure he understood the value of retirement plans, health benefits etc.</p>

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And some of those people will freak the heck out if they see their kids spending a bunch of money on things like a nice apartment or a nice car. If one of his mottos is “live below your means”, you NEED to tell him what you’re making so that he will understand if you end up buying expensive suits or a nice car (which are often necessities in high-paying jobs: they want you to look the part in front of clients).</p>

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<p>Thatangloguy, here’s my probably very repetitive advice: wait until he asks. State the number in a matter of fact way. Be careful that you don’t seem like your gloating.</p>

<p>Kudos to you for your accomplishments of (nearly) finishing school and landing a great job. But more kudos to you for being sensitive about your father’s feelings. You’re a good son. Since you’re not going to rub your salary in your father’s face, if he is hurt, that’s on him.</p>

<p>BTW, I’m proud that my two children who are out of college have good careers that pay well enough to support themselves in a decent way. That is not true of many.</p>

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<p>As a father, if my son earned more money out of college than I did, I would be proud of him, it is why I as a parent sacrifice and such for him (same with my wife, obviously). I can understand someone who has struggled, who has made something of themselves, feeling a bit let down when they see what is possible with a good education…if my dad was like the OP’s, and he asked, I would point out how much he did with what he had, that I literally was standing on his shoulders (and I was; my dad was an engineer, worked for a defense contractor (who in general pay poorly), and he raised three kids all of whom went to expensive private schools because of what he did…and he was proud as punch that all of us did very, very well, I was probably making more in salary 4 years out of school then he did when he retired…he never really asked me and I would never mention it unless asked.</p>

<p>I agree with others, if he does ask and insists on knowing, tell him that you got an unbelievable offer and that so much of it is do to him…then tell him quietly if he insists. Point out that jobs vary from industry to industry, I went to work in the financial industry which tends to pay a lot better then working in others (on the other hand, I have never worked a 9-5 job, they have always been intense, taking a lot of hours)…</p>

<p>Plus the other thing to point out is that you face costs he didn’t face, my dad’s house cost him 15k when he bought it, a comparable house when I got into a position of buying one was several hundred thousand, for example, so the higher salary also reflects higher costs for certain things, it is a way to put it in perspective. Again, I would reiterate how amazed and grateful I was for what he did with what he had, and point out that having that kind of salary would mean I could do that for my own kids…:). </p>

<p>One thing you have to decide for yourself, and that is what you do for your parents financially. Some parents will understand, but if your dad is sensitive and if you insist on taking them out to dinner and paying, or buy them expensive gifts, or decide to pay for them to go on vacation, he might feel insulted or feel like it is you ‘showing off’ you make more than he does, only you know him. If you think he would accept it, if there are things you could help with, by all means do it, but I suspect he is proud enough to not want that. I think if he is sensitive about what he makes, I would try and deflect it and definitely not bring it up, but if he asks directly you probably should tell him, but also ask him not to tell anyone else and that it is between you two, in part because if you have cousins or even siblings, they may not be so lucky, and tell him you want to keep it between you two in respect for others feelings, I think he would appreciate that. </p>

<p>Unfortunately there are parents who resent their kids doing better than themselves (not saying that about the OP’s father), there are still parents who resent it when their kids are better educated or better off than they are, which I never understood, to me my happiest moment will be if my kid, by whatever scale they measure it, lead a life better/more fuller/whatever than mine, whether it is financially or simply finding their passion and being able to live it, then I know I did the right thing:)</p>

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<p>I would be tickled beyond pink! Economics are so different over the years–my dad made 50 bucks a month at one point that actually supported him. He certainly was happy when I made much more than that!
If I lived in a tent and my kids moved into a palace I would be elated!</p>

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I think this is the key–give your dad the credit from the beginning.</p>

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<p>You know, you could tell him that you got a fantastic, full-time job that is all you had hoped for without telling him the number. I do think he has a right to know that you got a job, though.</p>

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<p>My father never told me his salary. He always told me it was none of my business. I never told my mother or my kids what my salary or bonus was. They probably think I made more than I actually did. LOL. We consider it a private matter.</p>

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<p>So funny, we never discuss income details with our kids. They see how we live our lives, they know details we believe, we know in general terms their incomes, help with going over benefit packages, how to match 401k, etc., but there is never this “How much do you make?” questioning.</p>

<p>The same with siblings and raises and income specifics. No one is ever quizzing any one. It does come up as a sibling mentions a re-fi or asks input on retirement options, we all have ideas, but it is not something that is any big deal. I always tell everyone we make less than they think!</p>

<p>I would really think Dad would be proud, if you think he is a bit insecure and might be threatened then, yes, you have that info about cost of living in the area.</p>

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<p>Has the OP returned to this thread?</p>

<p>I think many here have never dealt with a situation like this with an emotionally unhealthy adult. My own parents would be thrilled. My mother-in-law would be thrilled. But, as I mentioned earlier, my FIL would not only be annoyed, but he would likely make inappropriate comments from that point on. Strange to most of us, for sure. </p>

<p>I still remember when we bought our first “family type car” when I was pregnant 25 years ago. We mentioned it to our in-laws, assuming that they would be pleased, as my parents were. MIL was happy; FIL was not. He made snide comments from that point on…just over a simple mini-van. lol Crazy.</p>

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<p>Hey everyone, figured I’d give an update. </p>

<p>So, I told my dad I accepted the job offer. Tried the whole “It’s a very good salary” thing but he was very insistent (I expected as much) so I told him. He was outwardly very happy. I can’t tell if he’s internally upset about it or anything. But I did what I could. I also told him it’s a more expensive area. I used a cost of living calculator and it’s about 11% more expensive out there, so COL adjusted our earnings will be pretty similar actually. He’s aware that my particular field (software development) simply pays more, but probably wasn’t aware about the extent. </p>

<p>As for assuming student loans, there aren’t any. I go to a local university and commute so it’s not too expensive. He’s not really the type to accept gifts either. We’ll probably go out to dinner but he’s not going to accept me paying for him. Just how he is. Figure I’ll say something thoughtful there but I don’t really know of anything else I could do.</p>

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<p>That’s wonderful. Suspected that he would be happy for you. Don’t read too much into whether or not he was really happy! The point is that he probably was really proud of you. Best wishes.</p>

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<p>TAG, First paycheck celebration: head to the grocery store and get ingredients for a fancy meal to share with your family.</p>

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<p>My Dad will accept gifts of things that he would never buy for himself. He likes tools, cookware, etc. but is too frugal to treat himself to something nice. Occasionally I will be able to pick up something on sale and tell him that it was a deal too good to pass up. Or I will get him a tech toy that he would not have guessed he could use. My favorite was the ipad digital av adaptor, which allows him to watch ESPN via his wife’s ipad. I bought the adaptor, but I spent time to get them set up, so it was as much a gift of time as of money. Keeping these things low key helps. And when we go out, he usually wants to pay, and I let him. I am sure you will figure out a way to treat him once in a while. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Great news!</p>

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<p>My Grandma screened my hubby (premarriage) and asked what he made per year. Hubby made !7k. Grandma’s response - she was pleased he 'd be able to take care of granddaughter (me). And she told hubby Granddad had never made more than 10k/yr in his whole life. I bet your dad will be pleased. You will be able to take care of yourself and your family and your dad did well raising you. I agree w/ Zoosermom and Data10.</p>

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<p>OP,
You can be sure that your dad is proud of you…even if there is a small part of his mind that is a little bit jealous or resentful.</p>

<p>The best things you can do: </p>

<p>1) write a letter to your father letting him know how you would not be as lucky to be where you are now if it had not been for him–let him know that you appreciate him and all he did for you over the years, and --be sure to show, not just tell–</p>

<p>2) do something special for your dad. When my H “made it” and wanted to share his success with his father, he started a tradition of taking his dad with him for experiences that would mean a lot to his dad. One year, he took his dad on a father-son trip to the Army/Navy game (his dad had been in the Navy); another year, a trip to the Big 10 Championship, and one stellar year, to the Superbowl for his dad’s 75th Birthday. When the boys came along, and eventually became old enough, he would often include one or more of grandpa’s favorite grandsons on their special trips, which made them even more special (like the trip they took to visit Civil War battlefields).</p>

<p>Another gift that was very appreciated was that H bought a subscription to a favorite theater company for the four of us (H and I and is parents) to enjoy going to the plays together.</p>