discouraging unwanted thank-you gifts

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Apologies for addressing an issue that is not really a significant problem! But still, I could use some advice.</p>

<p>I have a neighbor who travels often and as a favor, I cat sit for her. I am happy to do it and this woman and her husband are terrific neighbors – very friendly, helpful, interesting people with whom we sometimes socialize.</p>

<p>The problem I have is that she is sometimes “over the top.” For example, when my husband and I go away for a rare big trip, she will leave a “welcome home” dinner in my refrigerator. (I don’t even consider doing that for her, as I am into leading a simple life – will make daily visits to the cat, water their plants, but don’t look for extras to do. Plus we live very close to a 24-hour supermarket that offers prepared food so I see it as unnecessary.)</p>

<p>I have repeatedly told this neighbor that I no longer shop for stuff to bring into my house, as I am trying to prepare for downsizing and getting rid of “stuff.” I have often asked her not to give me gifts as she often does when I cat sit. </p>

<p>She just came back from a major trip and came to my house with three gifts she had gotten for me on her trip. Two were consumables so those I can handle. One is a needleworked pillow and she wants to know where it will be. It does not go with my home and is something I would rather not have! She noticed that I was somewhat “funny” about accepting it and brought it up the next time we were together. I reminded her that I am simply at the stage of life where I am trying to remove things from my home rather than bring them in. (IMO she should respect that but I did not outright say it.) Instead, I am made to feel I am being ungracious. She said since it is a “small pillow” that does not take up much space, she sees no issue. </p>

<p>This is petty I know, but how do I handle it?</p>

<p>I have told this neighbor I appreciate it when she walks with me (I am trying to exercise) and I have asked her to drive me home from a colonoscopy. I feel that is how she can “repay” me for what I do for her. I do not want stuff!</p>

<p>But she and her husband are very into shopping and that is their way of expressing themselves.</p>

<p>In addition, my daughter is engaged and has made it clear that she and fiance (minimalists who have all they need and do not want excess or clutter) do not want any wedding gifts, but if people insist, will suggest charities they prefer. This neighbor knows this but still has purchased a gift for them from another one of her trips. </p>

<p>Any advice or feedback on my handling this? Because it is a neighbor and she is often in my home and it has been a recurring issue I really want to solve it. </p>

<p>By the way, her decorating style is very different from mine and her home is filled with stuff from her travels. It is her way, and I understand that, but not mine.</p>

<p>Help? Or am I just being difficult re a very nice neighbor and really lucky to have such a “problem?”</p>

2

<p>Seems to me that you have already expressed your desires to this neighbor, and she has pretty much ignored them.</p>

<p>Unless you want to lose the relationship, at this point I think you have to just grin and bear it. Put the pillow in some inconspicuous place for a while. Eventually you can “lose” it, or, as someone I know used to say about gifts of hideous baby clothes, “Oops, spilled the bleach!”</p>

3

<p>Maybe her cat will destroy it the next time you keep the cat for her.</p>

4

<p>I agree wholeheartedly with Consolation’s post. I think she’s being incredibly rude if you’ve made your wishes clear.</p>

<p>Is this the hill you want to die on? If so, just be honest and repeat what you’ve said here about why you toss the gifts.</p>

5

<p>Can you put it on the bed in a guest room? Then after a time, just put it in a closet. Her expression of love/affection/appreciation is clearly gifts so I suspect that she is not ‘hearing you’ when you tell her about downsizing and being a minimalist. </p>

<p>I agree with Consolation - grin and bear it. I doubt that she is being rude on purpose. she is just being who she is - a generous person who can not conceive of not giving.</p>

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<p>When I read this, all I could think of was that “Love Languages” book. Sure, it’s meant for romance, but it applies here as well. You seem like an “acts of service” person, and she’s a “receiving gifts” person. </p>

<p>Beyond the basic “pick your battles” and “what a high-class problem” idea, I would also suggest thanking her profusely for consumable gifts. She’s going to keep giving you stuff, so it may as well be consumable stuff. Alternatively, you can “lose” the pillow, but say something like, “My sister was over and absolutely adored it - it is so her style and goes with her decorating, so I let her swipe it.”</p>

<p>But yeah, I hear you on the “useless clutter” thing. At this point in my life, I’m happier when I don’t get things that I feel the need to store for some socially-appropriate amount of time before throwing in the trash.</p>

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<p>I think you need another friend to be an unwanted gift “hit man.” This should be somebody who doesn’t know the gift-giver. Have the “hit man” come to your house and “admire” the gifts. Give them to that person. What he does with them after that is not your problem. If the gift-giver asks, you can say, “Oh, my friend X admired it so much, I couldn’t help giving it to him. I knew you wouldn’t mind.”</p>

<p>Cross-posted with ariesathena. Devious minds think alike.</p>

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<p>I would meet her halfway and try to get her to continue to buy you consumables in lieu of the “stuff.”</p>

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<p>Thanks for the responses. Yes, this is definitely a “first world” problem and I am blessed to have neighbors who are really delightful, with this being my only issue with them. They are “over the top” with all relationships IMO – make a big fuss over everything. It simply goes against my grain to have people spending time and money shopping for me when I would truly rather they skip it, and then I am left with stuff I do not want or need taking up space I need to free. But I am so blessed to have people who care, even if they do sometimes express it in a way that undermines my own agenda.</p>

<p>I will write this neighbor an e-mail thanking her for walking with me last evening and also for the consumable spice gift that I will use in cooking today. </p>

<p>With your help I hope to make it through this challenge LOL! Thanks for the feedback!</p>

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<p>Knowing that this is how she likes to thank you for your services and you get a heads up on their vacas and where they are going, you can ask for her to bring you back something SPECIFIC from the locale.</p>

<p>Again it can be a consumable or 10 postcards or anything specific to that area/time specific. Rather than relying on her to pick according to her tastes have her pick for YOURS. Something small and unobtrusive that you can cycle through. A magnet, postcards…I don’t know of too many since I don’t travel. </p>

<p>And what do you say for now…thank you. She took the time and energy to think of you while she was on vacation. I don’t think you are being petty, but in my opinion it would be very nice to have someone other than my children think of me. Very nice. I know its not about the stuff and you don’t want clutter.</p>

<p>Instead you have a friend that thinks of you and wants to show in the only way she might know how. Again remind her you would like something very small that would remind you of her on her trip. Proactive instead of reactive.</p>

<p>Kat</p>

11

<p>I’d let this one go. Just put the pillow in your guest room and forget about it. In a month or so, donate it to a charity thrift store. </p>

<p>My inlaws used to travel extensively. We joked that we didn’t WANT any more trip souvenirs as Christmas presents. We accepted them annually, never used the vast majority of them, and donated them away after a short period of residence in a “guest room”.</p>

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<p>I’m going to be a contrarian. She feels guilty about asking you to do this for no money, so she’s bringing you gifts. Ask for $10/day instead, the gifts will cease, and she’ll be more comfortable with the situation. If you really don’t want to ask a neighbor for money, ask for something specific from the place she’s traveling to. “Oh, you’re going to Kona, do you think you could bring me back a pound of that wonderful Kona coffee?”</p>

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<p>One idea, since some folks are visual not audial learners: What if you wrote her a thank you note that mentioned some of the recent gifts. Burble on about how much you enjoyed the consumables. </p>

<p>Quote some poem about simplicity. Lightly declare how you’re happy to have her in your life. Great you can call upon each to exchange favors, how rare that is in today’s busy world; to you it’s the greatest gift of all. Then add, if you dare: “I am still puzzled about the lovely pincushion from Antarctica, I am honored that you thought of me while travelling. I love to hear you describe your trips when we walk together. At my lifestage, it’s not about the objects; rather, it’s the friendships and the stories that I treasure. Thank you for being in my life.” </p>

<p>Perhaps if she has a written note she can reread and analyze, she’ll finally figure out what you’ve been trying to tell her in person.</p>

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<p>^ Great suggestions, p3t – you have such a way with words!</p>

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<p>Thanks, I only wish I could do it in person, too.</p>

<p>My daughter taught me a communication skill she learned from improvisational acting: Tell the other person “yes, and…” rather than “no, but…” IOW, affirm what they offer and then add a new idea to it, rather than negate or dispute what they just offered. Build!</p>

<p>I really empathize with you on this, and have to stop reading CC today to declutter my house to ready for resale. Ugh, ugh, ugh.</p>

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<p>I predict that nothing you say will help. This friend will still see some object and think you’d like to have it.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry…but I don’t get the problem, except for the original poster. The neighbors are thinking of you, happy that you are taking of their cat. Get a gift you don’t like? Donate it to a thrift store. Get food you don’t like? Go to the local food pantry. Get a 23 crystal bowl? Donate or store it.</p>

<p>My mother told me that you never go to a dinner at someone’s home without bringing something…be it dessert, tea towels or wine. It is called good manners. And the lack of ability to receive graciously and say thank you strikes me as controlling behavior and not gracious.</p>

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<p>Ellebud- I think the complaint about the gifts, like the pillow, is that the neighbor expects to see them displayed on frequent visits.</p>

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<p>

Right–the giver even asked where the recipient was going to display the needlework pillow. OP wants to avoid having to say, “In the Goodwill donation box.”</p>

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<p>Or…in the maid’s room, out for a cleaning, the dog ate it…my mother/friend/ child desperately needed it, tea spilled…I have received from the mil several of her thrift shop finds. And when they moved from the Big House she gave me an oil painting of a nude. We will just say it wasn’t my taste in artwork…We gave it to our son. We told her that oldest son wanted it. And we gave it to him.</p>