<p>One of my closest friends told me tonight that our other friend’s 13 year daughter who is visiting for the summer, has been getting drunk with her father’s roommate. The roommate is a 26 year old woman with a 1 year old baby.</p>
<p>It is a convoluted situation. The father has had a previous sexual/romantic relationship with the 26 year old “roommate.” They are very dependent on one another and have a very dysfunctional relationship but that is a story for a different day.</p>
<p>The roommate told my friend: “It is so funny to get B. drunk.” “She giggles and acts so silly.
etc…” The roommate then said “But it is ok, she is with me and we are safe at home.” My friend said she was so shocked she didn’t know how to handle it other than to say it wasn’t appropriate and quickly change the conversation. (Not how I would have handled it but I wasn’t there.)</p>
<p>My friend told me this in confidence and said she doesn’t believe the father is aware of what is going on. I am friends with the father and the girls mother. I have known this child since birth and almost consider her one of my own. She has spent a lot of time with us every summer until this one. I told my close friend that if she didn’t confront the child’s father that I would. As a mother, I would want to know if my child - away for the summer in a different state- was living in an environment where an adult was encouraging her to drink alcohol. Again, she is 13 years old!!</p>
<p>I am stunned and furious about this situation. And the roommate has a one year old son and I would think as a mother, she would never put a child in this kind of situation. To me it is abuse and child endangerment and I am this close to texting my friend as I write this. The thing I am hesitant about is the fact I have caught the roommate in lies before and she has a tendency to exaggerate to get attention. But my friend believes the roommate is giving alcohol to the child.</p>
<p>First of all - it’s hearsay, right? Even though you trust your friend, you’re a bit removed from the situation. I would discuss it with both of the child’s parents though - or even with the child yourself if you’re friendly with the child. The roommate could be arrested I think if there was proof. Giving alcohol to a minor is definitely illegal. I would think the roommate would be at risk of losing her own child, although with overworked social services - who knows. If this seems like something that would shock the out of state mom - I’d definitely share it with her… but first make sure the child is safe.</p>
<p>That is my plan. The father is one of my very best friends and like a brother to my husband- was even a groomsman in our wedding. “He” is actually a transgendered woman, but growing up, was like a brother to my husband. </p>
<p>I am also good friends with the mother who lives out of state (though we have grown apart just from distance over the last few years) I just texted my friend to please call me. I think I am doing the right thing.</p>
<p>kathieh1–in many states it is not illegal for parents to allow their children to drink alcohol in their own homes so it may not be illegal, it is, however, stupid and getting the child drunk, especially if it happens "frequently’, a good reason to call social services.</p>
<p>mspearl–I agree that you should call the mom and let her know what is happening. They child may not say anything because the roommate may have threatened her in some way if she tells. This is NOT a good situation for that child and a responsible adult (her dad and roommate do not fall into that category) needs to step in and protect that girl.</p>
<p>Yes, I would tell both parents, not just the father. I would be very upset if someone was giving alcohol to my 13 year old and getting her drunk.</p>
<p>Greetings from State College, PA, where the idea that the victim is less worthy of protection than the perpetrator has proven to be terribly, terribly untrue. </p>
<p>I would tell the parents, and then contact children and youth services. And I would do it today. Because you are a social acquaintance, or a relative, or a friend – none of that matters. Now that you know, hand it over to people’s whose job is to find out if it’s true or not. Don’t rely on OTHER people to do the hardest part. (Again, we’ve found that to be horrifically unreliable)</p>
<p>I’d be calling the mom and dad today. It’s irrelevant if you have proof. I would not be calling the person serving the child and dancing around it, I wouldn’t call the 13yo and ask about it. It is so dangerous for a 13 yo to drink, if I knew other people suspected and did nothing, I’d be very, very upset. I wouldn’t care who thought I was a tattletale. Tell them what you’ve heard, let them decide if they want to intervene. </p>
<p>One little fact - the earlier a person begins to drink, the higher the likelihood that they will have dependency issues.</p>
<p>Thank you, I feel like I am the only voice of reason within my group of friends at times. I am absolutely not defending this family but they operate under a total different system than most people regarding money, jobs etc… It is like they are trying to resurrect the 1960’s. The 18 year old son is gettng drunk with the roommate and smoking marijuana. He is leaving for West Virginia to live in a tepee with another boy. Supposedly they are living off the land. But he is a legal adult and I guess if he wants to risk underage drinking - that is his choice.</p>
<p>I don’t mind alternative lifestyles - I embrace them and if the 18 year old wants to live in a tepee in the wilds of WV, oh well, let him. But this lax approach to a 13 year old child I cannot stomach anymore. There are already issues with the mother which are also for a different day… This dear girl’s life has little stability. Thank you for reminding me about who the victim is - and trust me, I have no qualms against losing any relationship with the roommate and if the father is aware of the extent of the situation (she works a lot and takes care of her elderly father) than our relationship will have a lot to recover from. </p>
<p>This is breaking my heart. And it is the the “last straw.” This summer I have suspected B. was not being taken care of properly and just left with the roommate for much of the day. This woman is trying to be friends with B and recently dyed her hair pink (I know, not against the law but didn’t ask permission from the parents) She is picking fights with the mother and she just has very poor judgement. I guess the last 5 years, we have been taking care of B for the better part of the summer and this year she suddenly disappears and I feel helpless and a little like I lost a child.</p>
<p>Convoluted situation for sure. Waiting to speak with my friend (her father) this am, but she doesn’t like speaking on the phone (terrible phobia) so I may have to rely on texts.</p>
<p>*to clarify, I use “father” to refer to B. “dad” because that is what she calls her even though she acknowledges her transition to female. It is still her “dad.” And my friend is ok with that.</p>
<p>sax is right that the drinking may be “the tip of the iceberg.” An adult repeatedly getting a 13 year-old drunk sounds very suspicious, like there is a good chance the adult is hoping to engage the child in sexual relations. Something should be done immediately.</p>
<p>I agree with all here. But do think 13 is old enough for a close adult friend (you) to tell her that word’s out (not ask) and that, at her age, she can rethink this- AND that you are concerned enough to speak with her, concerned about her safety and well-being, and willing to intervene. The situation here is wrong, but the opportunity still exists to guide and influence (and protect) the 13 year old, especially if you do have a long term relationship. Good luck and kudos for caring.</p>
<p>In case there is more going on, with your history with her, it may be important to speak with her.</p>
<p>I agree with lookingforward. It sounds like you’ve had long term trusting relationship with this young girl. She may tell you what’s going on, and it maybe important to know if there is more than just drinking. I am sure you know how to handle this, as you have 2 girls of your own, it’s important to let the girl know that you are on her side and she could trust you to do what’s best her.</p>
<p>In some states (apparently not Ohio) you would have a legal responsibility to report suspected child abuse. I would consider this child abuse. It looks like in Ohio the only mandatory reporters are professionals like teachers and social workers. </p>
<p>lookingforward–why breathtaking? Our kids have wine with dinner on special occasions, many religions have customary wine or other alcoholic drinks with various celebrations, etc. I see nothing wrong with that at all. Intentionally getting a child that is only 13 (or even 17, 18) is an entirely different story though.</p>
<p>If the roommate is smoking pot with the 18 year old kid, she may also be doing it with the 13 year old kid.</p>
<p>Since she used to spend a lot of summers with your family, can you invite the girl to come stay at your house for a few days? Let her know everyone at your place misses her. </p>
<p>Notify both the parents about your concerns ASAP. You would want another responsible parent to do the same for you.</p>
<p>When my kids were younger I never felt comfortable having them sleep over friend’s house unless I knew the parents really well. The friend may seem very nice, but one never knows who comes and goes in the household - older siblings from the previous marriage, live in relatives or friends.</p>
<p>I agree with the sentiments expressed in posts #6 and #13. I would notify the local department of children services today, THEN, notify the girl’s mother. I don’t know what the custody arrangements are, but this is clearly an unhealthy and dangerous situation for the child. If social services are involved, it may more support to the child’s mother and cause a modification in the arrangement.</p>
<p>I would notify both parents immediately. Give them a chance to act. If neither of them takes immediate action, that is the time to consider turning it over to social services.</p>
<p>Think about it: if you had a room mate that was, unbeknownst to you, getting your kid drunk, would you want to be given a chance to correct the situation, or would you want the person to go directly to social services, which might result in you losing custody of your child to foster care? Foster care is not exactly a recipe for stability, either.</p>
<p>I would consider telling the father outright that this is a watershed moment as a parent, and she needs to choose between this room mate and her child. Dying a young kid’s hair pink without parental permission may not be illegal, but it shows poor judgement. I’m not terribly straight-laced, but IMHO this is NOT someone whom a parent should allow to be spending time alone with their adolescent child. I fear for the baby, being raised by an idiot like that. (Which actually argues for going to social services: she is likely to lose custody of the baby, too, pending parenting classes and so forth, which might have some slight chance of bringing her to her senses.)</p>
<p>I agree about the roommate, but you have no basis for saying the father isn’t a responsible adult; the OP seems to think that the father may not know about what’s going on. I think both parents should be notified first, before calling the local child protection services. They should at least be given an opportunity, after learning about the situation, to fix it before their daughter is (possibly) taken away from them. I shouldn’t really have to add that since the father is a trans woman, she may, depending on what state this is, have a much higher risk of the authorities taking her child away from her, on the slightest excuse. The days when being a trans person always resulted almost automatically in a finding that they were an unfit parent are fortunately over, but things still aren’t necessarily great where that’s concerned</p>