Discovered"friend" is giving alcohol to 13 year old

Parent Cafe
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<p>This is a sideline on the very important main thread topic, but I can’t resist a “me too.” DH and I, while quite easygoing parents in some ways, allowed literally only one or two sleepovers, total, before DD turned 18. We simply felt that we almost never knew the other family well enough to truly feel confident in not only them, but in their supervision of any friends or relatives of theirs that might be coming and going in the home.</p>

<p>Other people mostly seemed to think this restriction of ours was a bit loony, but we were undeterred, and feel that many other parents who seem more fussy and strict than we are, in some respects, are oddly casual about sleepovers.</p>

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<p>While it may be nicer to give the parents an opportunity to respond, what happens if they don’t? Do you want to risk the behavior to continue and have a possible case of alcohol poisoning? I guess I am far more jaded because of my years as an ER nurse.</p>

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<p>Steve, breathtaking in the breadth some states allow. On private premises, without parental consent- 6 states; at alcohol-selling premises, with parental approval- 11 states, incl MA, at least superficially. Etc. I’d guess I’m not the only one here who didn’t know.</p>

<p>I don’t have an issue with kids havng their sip at family celebrations. That was part of my own upbringing and we learned control. But, OP’s case is clearly nothing about traditions or control.</p>

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<p>my parents did the same with me, and now that I’m older I’m sort of glad they did. when I was little I was a bit embarrassed about it, but now I realize why. it may seem a bit overprotective, but I still wouldn’t have it any other way</p>

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<p>Both parents need to be notified right away so they can take control of the situation. If it’s hearsay on your part then tell them that - i.e. that you just heard it and it might not be accurate, but… (and then explain the situation), but they should be informed nonetheless.</p>

<p>This 13 y/o girl needs to get out of that situation right away.</p>

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<p>Well, I have got myself in quite a situation. I spoke with my friend (girls dad) and she said it is a misunderstanding and that she gave B. a half glass of wine just one time and she was not drunk. She said she would speak with the roommate but that was this morning and she still hasn’t got back to me. I am not surprised, this roommate can do no wrong in her eyes - like I said very dependent on one another. The roommate is there because she would be homeless otherwise and my friend was in love with her at one time and though she says they are just close friends now, she is very emotionally dependent on her.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t be as concerned with a father letting a child have a small amount of wine in the home in the presence of a parent, but my other friend who the roommate spoke with did not explain it like this. She made it sound as if it was occurring more than one time and that B was drunk. (and that it was happening while the dad was at work)</p>

<p>This roommate is a piece of work. She has a lot of issues. As a child she was severely sexually abused (this is not hearsay but something she has told me herself) I feel bad for her because her mother died when she was a baby and her father died a few years ago. She has no siblings and her step-mother kicked her and the baby out because there was an issue with the dogs. (the step mom refused to reign in the dogs at her house and they were potentially dangerous to the baby.) All this has lead to roommate being very self destructive and making poor decisions throughout her life.</p>

<p>And as I said before, I have caught her in lies and stretched truths so it is hard to discern what is really happening. My instinct tells me she is giving B alcohol when the dad is not around and I would not be shocked at all if she is letting her smoke marijuana. I have witnessed her say pretty horrifying things about her own child. (he will be 1 in September) She made the comment a couple of months back that “I’m not the type of mom who is going to let my child be up my butt 24/7. If I want to go out with my friends I will.” Then she proceeded to talk about her disciplinary “policy” and said that she will be spanking her child and won’t be scared to knock his ass down when he shows disrespect.That she will “smack his mouth.” I was in a car with her and several other people as she was saying this. I didn’t know what to say other than to make it known that I had never spanked my kids and my own “policy” is that spanking isn’t necessary. </p>

<p>Later when I was alone with my friend (the dad) I relayed my concerns for the welfare of her son and was told that “everyone has different parenting strategies and it isn’t up to me to tell her what to do.” I said that it is one thing to spank a 5 year old on the bottom and something completely different to smack a toddler or small baby and have that type of attitude. Of course, I was shut down immediately. This girl can do no wrong in my friends eyes. NONE.</p>

<p>I spoke with my close friend (not the dad) more today and she now tells me that the roommate is smacking the baby (she witnessed it) and says she uses rough language with him. (He is only 10 months old) </p>

<p>I am just at a loss of what to do. As a nurse I feel like something needs investigated at the very least and at the most I don’t think this roommate should have a baby in her custody.</p>

<p>The other terrible twist is that I just found out the girls mom (the ex wife) and her husband are using crack - are actually addicted according to my friend. She said she doesn’t know what to do because if she reports them to CPS the ex-wife’s “whole world is going to fall apart.” and “she will lose her other young children.” I honestly believe she told me this today so I wouldn’t call children’s services on her and the roommate. Early in our conversation I made it clear that if B told me this directly or I found out for sure the roommate was getting her drunk I would call.</p>

<p>So. That is the story. It is crazy and I am not sure where I fit in and I don’t know what to do. I am sick because I thought B was safe with her dad but now it appears she is safe in neither home. My youngest daughter is very close friends with B. and she is going to talk to her. I will too when she comes over this week.</p>

<p>At this point I feel like I should call children’s services at the very least to report the roommate for smacking her baby but I didn’t witness it directly so I feel like I am in a precarious position. I am also wondering what to do about the ex-wife/mother being addicted to crack. I know you can report anonymously so I will probably just do it. </p>

<p>At a loss.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry you’re in the position you are. I’m sure it can’t be easy, but the primary concern here is for the child. From one nurse to another, we know that it is our duty, as well as our legal obligation, to report any suspected abuse. Sure, your “friend” might not be happy when an investigation is launched, but you’ll know you’re doing the right thing. Your “friend” is lucky there is a non-related adult in B’s life who is willing to step up and do the right thing for the child. Good luck and keep us updated, please. The person who witnessed the smacking of the baby in that home should also call CPS. It is the responsibility of adults to protect children.</p>

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<p>Do you have a way to verify the mom is using crack and addicted? Have you spoken with her- and you have suspicions?</p>

<p>Your friend (who reported all this to you) is the source of much of your info- I believe you said the drunk comment came from her, plus the hitting the baby and now the addiction. At this point, we can’t tell here whether she is accurate or elaborating for her own reasons. But the die is cast. I’d call and have a conversation with cps, not just anonymously, to learn what info they need, what role you can play, even whether you might be allowed to keep B with you for longer, this summer. I’m not sure I would continue to discuss this with this “source,” if she is willing to pass along info, but not act. (That’s odd, in itself.)</p>

<p>If the mom is addicted to crack, that’s unfortunate; the children shouldn’t be made to endure. The issue is the kids, not whether Mom’s “whole world is going to fall apart.” My understanding is that, with rare exceptions (and maybe this varies by state,) children are not removed based on the first phone call, but on either evidence or strong suspicion. </p>

<p>I’m sorry about all this.
If your info points to a risk to the children’s welfare it’s not easy to have to report, but necessary and right.</p>

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<p>Yes, I know 100% the mother is addicted to cocaine/crack. I have involved my dad who has worked with addicts all his life and he is in contact with the family.</p>

<p>My friend (the dad) finally called me back and told me after questioning the roommate, she admitted to giving B “one glass” of wine on a night when my friend was working. She said she thought it was “ok” to do this because my friend had let B have 1/2 a glass another night.</p>

<p>I think this is a lie. Not only do I think she is allowing B to drink, but I believe she is encouraging her. She is psychologically broken from her years of abuse and seems to have lost all sense of right/wrong. Yet, I don’t have certain proof . But I do have the dad admitting that roommate did let B drink without dad’s knowledge. Also, I have no reason to not trust my close friend that intially told me what was occurring. Could she be embellishing? Anything is possible but based on the roommate’s track record I truly doubt it.</p>

<p>There is a high degree of dysfunction and this family is so enmeshed (going back generations and even into the extended family, children have zero autonomy) that I can’t even begin to describe how seemingly irrational their thought processes are. Unfortunately, my friend is so entangled in roommate’s emotional state to the point she feels responsible for her happiness and basic existence.(My friend admitted this to me about a year ago.) It is almost an obsession and the roommate allows it because she needs a place to stay and someone who she believes loves her and needs her. </p>

<p>Of course my friend tells me she believes roommate will not do this again. She said roommate promised her it wouldn’t happen again. I don’t know what to believe. I feel like I am being sucked into this dysfunctional bubble along with them.</p>

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<p>I would report this. I can’t imagine the baby growing up with a family like that.</p>

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<p>Have you considered talking to the child, herself and asking her what has been happening?</p>

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<p>And that’s fine, but no there is no research to support that approach, in fact the opposite: “A more permissive parenting approach to alcohol appeared to encourage drinking but didn’t necessarily teach safe, responsible drinking”</p>

<p>[Should</a> Adults Allow Supervised Teen Drinking?](<a href=“http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20110428/should-adults-allow-supervised-teen-drinking]Should”>Parenting Center: Parenting Tips and Advice from WebMD)</p>

<p>I too would be extremely concerned about a 13 year old in this situation.</p>

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<p>Taken out of context, that (the boxed quote) sure sounds different. It was a specific response to another poster’s specific comment- not an endorsement of getting a kid tipsy. Might want to go back through the posts.</p>

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<p>This story becomes more and more horrific. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? As a nurse, you know the legal responsibility you have for reporting suspected abuse of a patient. This is suspected abuse of a FRIEND. Trust your nurse’s instinct. Call the local dept. of children’s services now. They have the expertise to unravel the truth and protect both of the children involved.</p>

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<p>I don’t understand why your close friend who has more firsthand knowledge of the situation is running to you expecting you to do something about it, when they apparently havent.</p>

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<p>The only first hand knowledge my other friend has is what roommate said about getting B drunk and also she saw roommate be rough with the baby -physically and with words. I don’t know why she is telling me -probably because she knows something needs done but doesn’t want to be the one who does it. </p>

<p>I now know that roommate gave B “one glass” of wine. She admitted it to the father and the father told me this directly. Supposedly it is “never going to happen again.” And, the only reason she gave her a glass when dad was working was because dad had let her have a 1/2 glass on another occasion. So the roommate thought this was “ok.”(This is b.s, I think it has happened more than once and she is encouraging B to drink-)</p>

<p>I have my dad involved and am in touch with a friend who works in childrens services in another county for advice.</p>

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<p>Boy, the poor kid, being given alcohol by BOTH adults in her life, by the dad’s admission. This is double bad & who knows if she decides to get extra nips in between offerings. Don’t see any good judgment by the adults in the poor 13-year-old’s life. :frowning: Who knows if these folks have also given her more alcohol and/or other drugs, “for fun.” Troubling–glad you’re getting more advice & hope good actions can be taken to protect the kids involved from the irresponsibility & dangers.</p>

<p>If the young mom is shaking & using rough language on the baby, wonder what she may be doing to the older child?</p>

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<p>Probably not getting rough with her. Unlike the baby, she can talk.</p>

<p>It sounds as if the room mate is instead treating the 13-yr-old almost like a peer, in age-inappropriate ways.</p>

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<p>Not necessarily (that 13-year-old isn’t being physically or verbally harmed), it doesn’t sound like this woman (or the dad) has much of a filter & may use a lot of inappropriate language and may well potentially injure both of the kids. The shaken baby syndrome can lead to severe injury in any case and is an awful role model for the 13-year-old. Sounds like a very scary & toxic situation for the 13-year-old AND baby. Hope you can help improve things for them at the very least.</p>

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<p>HImom, I think it highly likely that the room mate uses bad language in front of the 13-yr-old, but I would be willing to bet that the first time she raised her hand to the kid she would be wailing to her parents AND the OP. The baby, on the other hand, is in real physical danger, I agree.</p>