<p>What an interesting thread, we would have to imagine this melting pot we live in has as many wedding customs as we have places to worship!</p>
<p>I’ll comment that I am shocked at the over the top bride shows and the amounts of money people are spending on weddings today. If they have great wealth I understand, but watching people go into hock for one fancy day trouble me. Watching a girl wear a Vera Wang dress that costs more than HY or P would for a year and she has school loans.</p>
<p>Like girls think it’s normal to weigh 85 pounds and own cell phones and ipods, a nice wedding seems to be expected in our neck of the woods. Renting a mansion, expensive food and wine, limos and flown in flowers are typical in upper middle class families. Working parent families.</p>
<p>If we can give a big gift, I hope it will be towards a home mostly, with a party of great things on a budget thrown in for our dearest.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, that’s how it is. How much say you have is usually directly related how much you are contributing. I wasn’t trying to sound well meaning, I was trying to be practical. </p>
<p>If my D wants to pay for the wedding with her fiancee, then I would be happy to be her helper with no opinion. They could decide where they want to have the wedding, how big, color scheme, etc. We would then give them money as a wedding gift.</p>
<p>If the groom’s family would like to have a nicer wedding than what we would be willing to pay, I would have no problem for them to pay and plan the whole wedding. I would just ask how many guests we could invite and show up as gracious guests. </p>
<p>If we are to pay for the wedding, then I would want to do it my way. Everyone has their own view of what’s a nice wedding or party. I just couldn’t imaging my kid’s future in-laws, people we probably would have never met before, would want to do it the same way as we do. I think at the end by trying to accommodate everyone would probably cause more friction.</p>
<p>I think it’s better to have each side be responsible for an event, whether it’s the wedding, rehersal dinner, pre/post-wedding breakfast, and do it the way they want to do it(or what they could afford). My Ds know I am very practical and upfront, and often it avoids hurt feelings. This is just my view, not right or wrong. </p>
<p>By being controlling, my Ds could also blame any mishaps/decisions on me rather going head on with their future mother-in-laws.</p>
<p>1.Acceptable varies (everyone has different values). I have been to over the top weddings, and one where the couple was married in plain clothes in their apartment, closest friends (no relatives) invited, and only tea was served. Spend what you can afford. If others judge, too bad.</p>
<p>2.That is a great option. I would give them the choice. I know a couple who took the $$ for a downpayment on their home.</p>
<p>3.Pitfalls: Don’t miss the forest for the trees. Keep in mind what a wedding really represents, and don’t forget that as you plan and get caught up in the details.</p>
<p>My oldest daughter may become engaged to be married sometime this year.</p>
<p>I say worry about it when the time comes-
as Usher & his fiancee recently illustrated- what you think will happen isn’t necessarily reality.</p>
<p>Id be on the side encouraging young people to wait till they are done with school. The wedding is far from the important part- the marriage is what counts.</p>
<p>If the wedding isn’t very important, then why do people spend so much time on it? It is important because it marks a passage in one’s life. It is a proud passage to be announced and shared with people. OP is a proud father who wants to make sure he is going to do what’s right for his daughter. I think we all know it’s the marriage that counts. My husband and I have been married for 25 years, we don’t need to have a ceremony to make up for our small wedding to validate our life together.</p>
<p>*My husband and I have been married for 25 years, we don’t need to have a ceremony to make up for our small wedding to validate our life together.
*
this seems like you are saying two different things</p>
<p>If the wedding isn’t very important, then why do people spend so much time on it? It is important because it marks a passage in one’s life.</p>
<p>In my previous post, I stated that my husband and I had a small wedding because of our circumstance. My husband and I are where we are and it has been a good life. To have a “recommit ceremony” or a blow out anniversary party now would not make up for our missed opportunity of having a proper wedding (as suggested by Northeastmom), and it would also not make our marriage any better. But if I had to do it over again (go back 25 years), I would make sure the passage was properly acknowledged. There is a time and place for everything.</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter what is your culture background, we all spend time and money to celebrate events that are important to us - 30 day old celebration, 1 year old birthday, sweet sixteen, graduation, wedding and all other religious celebrations. I think we all know without the celebrations those events would still be important. There is no need to state the obvious.</p>
<p>This suggestion was made by Northstarmom, but I agree with it. It sounds to me that you would like to get the greenlight from your D to pay and control the entire affair. I just hope that it does not hurt your daughter’s marriage. I don’t think that bc you decide to pay you should dictate their wedding plans. If that were the choice given to me, I would really reexamine the family I would be entangling myself with (controlling mother in law), and I would really consider the other option, which would to be to say thanks but no thanks, and do my own things without your dollars. Also, I would resent it, but that is just my opinion. I hope that your future son in law and your daughter will not feel that way. The fact that you are practical, and you would set limits on the $$ you would like to spend is understandable. The idea that you would decide all of the finer details sounds ridiculous and selfish to me. The wedding is not the important part. The love, the caring, and the feelings of your loved ones are what is important.</p>
<p>“If we are to pay for the wedding, then I would want to do it my way.”</p>
<p>Why your way when the wedding would be for your D and her husband to be. Seems that except for setting the dollar amount for the wedding (which would be up to whomever is paying for it) , the bride and groom should decide how the wedding will be.</p>
<p>I notice that you wrote this, “My H and I had a very small wedding (or almost eloped) because of family’s opposition to our marriage.”</p>
<p>I don’t understand how your family’s opposition caused you to have a small wedding unless the reason was that you have a large family who refused to attend. If your reason, however, was because your family wouldn’t pay for a big wedding, what prevented your inviting as many people as you liked and having an inexpensive wedding? I’ve gone to large weddings that had cake and punch as the food or even a potluck. The couples whom I know who did that both were middle aged and had the kind of wedding that they wanted and could afford. They wanted to invite all of their friends and the way that they could do that was keeping the food expenses down.</p>
<p>Sorry I got people mixed up. You are absolutely right about knowing your in-laws before you get married. There is no such thing as just marrying each other and living happily ever after. I could possibly become someone’s worst mother-in-law, and maybe someone’s best mother-in-law (I could be the best in-law as long they make my Ds happy, otherwise…). </p>
<p>I have already taken up too much attention on this thread. Back to OP of this happy event.</p>
That’s like saying if parents pay for college, they get to decide which classes the student takes, what he’ll major in, how many hours he’ll study, what he’ll eat, which dorm he’ll live in, how that dorm room will be decorated, which groups he’ll join, and overall that they should be the ones deciding exactly how the student spends his time. Afterall, it’s the parents’ money, so why shouldn’t they get to make the kid’s college experience exactly what they want it to be? </p>
<p>Paying for something for an adult–or near adult–is a gift. Paying for college, paying for a wedding, paying for furniture, or paying for a new car are all gifts, and part of that gift is trusting the recipient to use it well, in whichever way is best for them.</p>
<p>EDIT: Cross-posted with Oldfort’s above post.</p>
<p>Late to this thread and have not read it all but rolling on the floor laughing hard at
</p>
<p>Congrats to your D, 2-noles. And how wonderful that he will ask you for her hand. </p>
<p>I will go back and finish the thread. But I can see how those that are paying feel the need to be the major decision makers. But I think that a wedding is meant to bring the two families and their closest friends together to celebrate this major life event, and the passage that it represents, and to help the couple begin their journey. I think it is about and for the couple, not the signer of the check. I think that setting an amount that you can afford, and letting the couple decide how much of that they want to use for the wedding, or to save for a down payment on a house seems like a good idea. I think that having the couple bear some of the expense also helps them to understand better the entire budget process and the true cost of things. I think it is their “show” and they get to make the major decisions that lie within the budget. </p>
<p>I personally do not have a problem with offering them “more” for a simple/small wedding with the bulk of the money going to a downpayment on a home (or into a CD to be used for such purposes later.) I think that if money is no object, then it doesn’t matter. For the rest of us, I do think that a look at the whole picture is useful on deciding how much to spend on the “celebration” and how much to spend on something that will outlast the celebration. </p>
<p>As the oldest of four, I married not long after graduating from med school, with three other siblings in college and both of us with college loans. We “paid” for our wedding. It was a small affair, late morning with a brunch buffet afterwards that included a champagne fountain. We planned the entire thing ourselves, with what we thought we could afford. My parents surprised us by writing a check to the venue and the florist just after the ceremony (in those days you could put down a small deposit and settle up after the wedding.) We had no idea they would do this. To this day we remember their gift fondly. </p>
<p>I think that your D sounds like she does not feel “entitled” to anything, and she will make sensible decisions about her/their day.</p>
<p>We are in the process of planning our daughter’s wedding, which will be next June. She has been a reasonable child, and we want her and her fiance to have the wedding of their dreams. She plans to become an Episcopal priest, so there will be a formal church wedding. However, both she and the groom are performing musicians, so having a good band at the reception is a priority. The reception will be country western with southern cooking or barbecue. No ice sculptures, elaborate flowers or balloon arrangements.<br>
H and I view this as an opportunity to entertain our friends and my co-workers as well, so we don’t mind the expense. The wedding and reception will be in our new hometown, so many of the guests will be from out of town. This cuts down on the numbers somewhat, and was one of the reasons for the choice of location as opposed to Houston, the current home of D and her fiance.<br>
D already got her dress and wanted to pay for it herself. Her fiance does have student loans (med school) and she will have tuition expense for seminary. We will pay for most of the wedding.<br>
It won’t be cheap- I don’t know how much yet. We are going to get a wedding consultant to help at a low level- mainly with coordination of decorations and details on the day of the event. We chose a top level photographer who was highly recommended.<br>
I’m trying to stay behind the scenes (especially since this sort of thing is WAY beyond my capabilities) and just make sure things go smoothly.</p>
<p>This year has been an expensive one for us.
My husband said two days ago that he would be much happier giving them the money to put towards a house versus the large wedding. Weddings are still years away but I have a feeling that he is not going to be happy!</p>
<p>In the parking lot after my sister’s wedding reception my dad approached me and another sister (both single) and said, “Hey girls, I’ll pay you to elope. . .” </p>
<p>H’s parents gave me his undergrad student loan bills–some “wedding present!”
Gosh, I’d never do that to my D or S-in-law. (BTW, I met my in-laws at the rehearsal dinner).</p>
<p>To the OP–Just tell D in advance what you are willing to contribute. Reasonable is what you can afford–without getting into your retirement fund or other kids’ college funds. “Your mother and I will give you $X toward your wedding or a house payment–the rest is up to you.”</p>
<p>I’ve been to many lovely and inexpensive weddings–they can be done!</p>
<p>To me, the most important thing would be the marriage or commitment as several have said. The party, while fun, is just that and over in a few hours.</p>
<p>We’ll see how this process plays out…but first it has to start.</p>
<p>The Ceremony and other gatherings for the formal declaration of union is, I imagine, more than just a celebration of that union. Perhaps a community union between families and friends and neighbors. Underlying the actual process is that fact that everyone expects the couple to remain together and to work out their differences. The bigger and more public the wedding, the bigger the expectations-just like when Prince Charles wedded Di. And Capt John Smith + Pocahontas. And Cinderella + Prince Charming. OTH the nonexistence of a public wedding shows little expectations, except between the only two that really matters.</p>
<p>I agree with others that an an appropriate amount to spend is what you can afford. ( the <em>average</em> cost of a wedding in this country right now is around 28,000 - higher in places like the NY metro area where it’s closer to 36,000 - this boggles the mind, realizing that the average household income in the country is under 50,000!). Lest that blow your mind, of course you can do it for less and I’ve been to beautiful weddings that were done on a shoestring budget and a few not so wonderful ones (for various reasons) that would have paid for an entire private undergrad and graduate school tuition combined and then some! Some cost saving measures include having a daytime or afternoon wedding ( a brunch can be really lovely) rather than an evening wedding. You may also save if the wedding is not on a Saturday or a Saturday night. You can limit the number of guests keeping it to your nearest and dearest - nothing out there says you must invite everyone you know. A DJ is usually less than a live band, although there are some great young bands out there that you can generally hire for less than the big names. Flowers or centerpieces can be done very simply but tastefully. The venue, of course is another way to save - a restaurant can be an affordable alternative to a catering hall - I just went to a wedding reception in a restaurant that was just beautiful and oftentimes you need little or no extra decoration in a place like that. Having an affair in a venue other than a catering place or restaurant can seem cost cutting, when in reality it’s not. Consider the costs of renting a tent, tables, linens, paying for a hall rental etc. when you are figuring it all out. A place, IMO not to skimp is on the photographer (the photos are the thing you have forever). </p>
<p>As far as advice, although I would NOT have put it the same way as some others did in terms of having control, a good point is that too many cooks spoil the broth. I’ve come to believe that sometimes etiquette and tradition come out of experience - it’s just too hard to get people who have very different tastes and philosophies to agree on … well anything! If the couple and the parents of the bride are on the same page, and this is something you can do and want to do for the couple, my advice is to do the wedding that you can afford. If the groom’s parents offer to help, tell them to put it toward a gift for the couple, the honeymoon, rehearsal dinner, or something specific like flowers or the band or directly for their own guests. Even so, if it were me, as parent of the bride I’d strive to be as forthcoming and inclusive of the groom’s parents as I could, while as the parent’s of a groom, any offer I made would be with no strings attached. </p>
<p>As for offering a lump sum to the couple, there is nothing wrong with that, either. The couple can choose to plan the whole wedding by themselves that way, possibly opting out of a big affair altogether. If that’s not something that bothers you or your wife- certainly something to consider.</p>