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<p>CountingDown, I agree so much! That might be worthy of thought by us future (we can hope) in-laws, becauswe sometimes what appears to be a couple-fight is really a “source family loyalty” fight. COuples get very distressed when they see the two future Moms-in-Law getting tense over details. Often the couple simply doesn’t know what to do, and their parents’ fights become theirs to resolve. And I’m off on the sidelines, thinking, “shouldn’t that one have been a ‘couple decision’ in the first place?” </p>
<p>Weddings might be THE time to back off of the hyper control. Sure we parents all have various friend-invitees or second cousins to deal with, but there can be compromises so all can be happy. I’ve seen some tell the band to do a segment of “classics” followed by a segment of “most modern” for dancing, for example. Other families say, “the band is for the young people” and are happy that way. Compromise is paramount. </p>
<p>My H and I had a klezmer band, and we found them wonderful musically for listening. I do notice that suburban adults don’t know much of the folkdancing other than the one “horah dance” so I’m feeling we need a revival there to accompany this great recovery of the music. </p>
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<p>Church and synagogue wedding receptions (in the usual social hall) have some financial advantages over catering halls, although at first the rooms don’t seem as elegant as the halls so people back away. But there are real advantages: the reception in a house of worship is mostly TAX DEDUCTABLE!!! Also, guests don’t have to drive from the ceremony site to the eating site. For photos, a beautiful sanctuary can frame the ceremony. It’s hard for houses of worship to keep up with the upscale standards for social halls with chandeliers and all, so lots of people decline the plainer social halls of churches and synagogues. Some compensate by using more decor so it’s attractive in a “wedding” kind of way. I’d say at least take a peek at the house of worship’s socializing room to see if it could become an option for you.</p>
<p>We had one family that donated the re-painting and re-flooring of the temple social hall (with her tax deductable donation 
so the place would look really great for her D’s wedding. Everybody loves this family today…the benefits continue for us all. </p>
<p>Back to the idea of the couple learning to work together to plan things – I’m reminded of Erma Bombeck who wrote, “You never really know a man until you hang a picture together,” so this IS a good prelude to married life.</p>
<p>Some couples (brides, espec) claim their young man is “clueless” or indifferent to the wedding details, while the grooms-to-be sometimes get very upset when they see their romance overtaken by feuding women from two generations. So, proceed with caution and tap into the guys’ sensibilities, too.
I think they CARE more than they let on – perhaps not about the napkins, but certainly about things like: can we invite very young cousins, nieces, nephews (the guys almost always want to, brides and moms, often not).
The guys care lots about the music. They want their own friends to have a good time, and most classy guys don’t want a bachelor party but arent’ sure how to substitute for the bonding role it does play among their friends.</p>
<p>EVERYONE’s complaining these days about poor manners among guests in RSVP behavior. Some guests don’t understand that they’re paid for by-the-plate with a
caterer, who gives the family a “FINAL COUNT” drop-deadline perhaps a week ahead. So when people suddenly call in unable to attend, they don’t know they’re costing that family some hundreds of dollars for their last-minute absence. I had one cousin accept for her family-of-five, then show up solo at our wedding. Since her caterer didn’t handle things that way, she didn’t think it a problem to waltz in solo like that. </p>
<p>I can hardly wait for my own 3 to start bringing in wedding planning but must wait, wait, wait.</p>
There was a lot of family conflict regarding our wedding, more than I will probably ever be comfortable talking about on CC, but in the end everything came together and the troublesome parties stopped being troublesome. Hubby and I learned a lot about conflict resolution (not between us – we actually never fought about the wedding – but between various family members and in-laws).</p>