<p>Possible SIL has said he’d take the cash and invest it in a heartbeat. Good thinking, I thought at the time as we spoke in jest. Of course, he’s working on a masters in economics…not accounting, but close.</p>
<p>
But sometimes a couple can’t do what they “should” do because other people are invested in the day, too. I mean, my mom and MIL would have thrown temper tantrums if my fiance and I had said, “We’re going to City Hall and having a small dinner for the family afterward.” (Granted, both dads probably would have been in favor. ;))</p>
<p>As much as people vilify “bridezillas” (who are admittedly pretty vile!), having a big, somewhat showy wedding can be important to people other than the bride and groom.</p>
<p>I don’t know much about the Bridezilla show, but from watching other reality shows and reading behind-the-scenes info, editing and coaching have an awful lot to do with what you see on TV. They take quotes from one situation and play them in another, ask leading questions, edit out context, show things out of order, even cobble together new sentences from individual phrases, all to make a better story.</p>
<p>This weekend D1 and D1-BF will be visiting after attending a wedding for one of their friends. D1 has alerted us to the discussions of commitment (D2 knew of these discussions for some time, we learned later) so perhaps things will ripen soon.</p>
<p>By the way - at this time of year not only the bridesmaids, but everyone will be hot (sweaty, too!). We can afford air conditioning, fortunately… ;)</p>
<p>But sometimes a couple can’t do what they “should” do because other people are invested in the day, too. I mean, my mom and MIL would have thrown temper tantrums if my fiance and I had said, “We’re going to City Hall and having a small dinner for the family afterward.”</p>
<p>Personally- if that had been the case in my family- I would have eloped.
I feel that if “parents” feel they can dictate something as important as the manner in which a couple chooses to bond together- they are not going to stop after the honeymoon.</p>
<p>Sometimes if there is a large wedding, it would be because they have a large family. I have 6 aunts and 2 uncles, and they are all married with kids, so I have over thirty first cousins. Plus on my mom’s side we are close with my second cousins, so there’s another 15. So whenever I get married (I’m 16, long time from now) I could have over 100 guest that are just my family.</p>
<p>I agree with emeraldkity4.
The idea of parents throwing tantrums because they don’t like how their kids are planning their wedding horrifies me, and I do believe that unless boundaries are set at the wedding, those parents will continue to try to control thigns afterward.</p>
<p>Just because one has a large family doesn’t mean one has to have a large wedding. It really is up to the bride and groom.</p>
<p>Time to resurrect this thread. D1 announced she is engaged. Proposed SIL presented his offer on bended knee in a rose garden. We knew it was coming, he called me to ask permission a couple weeks ago.</p>
<p>I gave him contingent permission…as long as D1 agrees. Looks like she did.</p>
<p>Pop the champaign (er, sparkling wine for those in non-burned CA wine country)…from empty-nester status to gaining a new family member. Now the fun begins. ;)</p>
<p>Best wishes to the happy couple -now back to money - there was an article on a wedding a few years ago in MONEY mag - the bride was a lawyer who’s blue collar dad had paid for all her schooling - and she wanted to know how much dad was going to contribute - it might be a good idea to read and discuss with d to see how she reacts to the bride…and the budget!!</p>
<p>found the article </p>
<p><a href=“http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/27/pf/blowout_0505/index.htm[/url]”>http://money.cnn.com/2005/04/27/pf/blowout_0505/index.htm</a></p>
<p>Great article. We’ll see how the budget evolves and if Mrs p2n becomes vested in the affair. But after paying the first 22 years and undergrad schooling, I’m thinking we’ll make a single cash contribution and let the happy couple decide how to spend it. Do you want an expensive one night party or a nest egg?</p>
<p>In this day, I think I’d choose a modest affair and the nest egg. ;)</p>
<p>not married but have worked at many, many a wedding reception. suggestions:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>figure out exactly how the cake is getting to its final destination! it’s quite funny to see someone flipping out when the wedding starts in an hour and the cake has yet to surface.</p></li>
<li><p>let people do their jobs; if the chef says you’ll need this much food, the bartender suggests this much alcohol, and the wedding coordinator suggests you get this type of DJ/Band…do it!</p></li>
<li><p>pay attention to the servers. remember that we’re people too. and sending a thank you note to them, with a cash tip if possible really leaves a good impression. however i would have to admit, the smartest father of the bride dropped by my workplace on the evening before with a armful of pizza and soda because “he knew tomorrow was going to go off without a hitch he wanted to thank us beforehand” and let me tell you…we really rose the bar and gave them excellent service!!</p></li>
</ol>
<p>My H is a clergy who has officiated at weddings as simple as a living room to elegant ballrooms. OUtdoor weddings are lovely; the last we attended at a beautiful country club, the ice cream truck arrived a block away during the vows. Some0ne ran to ask him to discontinue the song. None of the guests left, just chuckled. One bride came in on her horse and her beloved caged birds were on posts all along the aisle. When the birds saw her ride in, they all began to SING and never stopped through the ceremony. It was noisy but memorable, obviously. </p>
<p>Usually clergy are approached lolng after the date has been determined by available halls, bands, and so on. THen couples can be disappointed if tghe clergy isn’t avialbe on their date. This is easily avoided, because clergy set up caldendars 2 years ahead. So if you care about who performs the ceremony, book the date with clergy as early as possible. </p>
<p>ALso most have contemporary programs of counseling that help couples define their practical and spiritual goals, usually a series of 2 or 3 meetings. Depending on the clergy and the couple, this can generate important dicussions about “the marriage” not “the wedding.” part.</p>
<p>I think weddings are helpful to launch the couple and show they’ll need to relate to “both sides of the familyl” and vice-versa. </p>
<p>People get crazy over decorative details (do the napkins match, do the shoes match) and sometimes I feel like it’s all a metaphor to deal with the real question, “do the PEOPLE match”. I also think one role of the parents of bride and groom is to protect them from any overbearing relatives who try to take over a party. Personally I always prefer wine to a big bar full of liquor. </p>
<p>Photographers should be told not to click during the ceremony or stand blocking the view of the couple from the assembled guests. I always prefer it when the altar scenes are recreated for the photographer, so the actual moments occur wihtout the cliicking and photgorapher hovering. I realize you get great photo albums, but sensitivity needs to be established during the ceremony by the docujmentors. Sometimes my H announces "cameras from guests are fun up to the altar and immediately after the ceremony, but not during the acutal vows. It establishes a mood in the room when that rule (not always popular) is established. Videographers are relatively unobtrusive if they position their cameras well beforehand, or can stand off the side a bit.
Just remember thatt the guests came from afar and don’t want to watch the photograph’ers back blocking the couple. </p>
<p>I will be swimming uphill to suggest ths, but after attending hundreds over the past 25 years, I feel that the beautiful flowers at every table, centerpieces, and so on that occupy tremendous amount of attention simply become insignificant once everyone’s together in the room, clebrating. If I had to cut a budget, I’d do it on the centerpiece and flowers. It’s just my personal thought.</p>
<p>Lately, the volume of bands has drown out all possibility of conversation at the seated tables. IT’s a generation gap issue, but people are getting weary7 of sitting at tables screaming at the person next to them (forget about the one across the table) still unable to hear anybody. If you don’t dance, it’s dull. I think families should discuss and monitor band volume to be sure their guests can all talk while eating.</p>
<p>I saw one where families both posted a simple family tree on each side of the hall, so others could figure out the family structure of the unfamiliar family. </p>
<p>Recently I’ve heard some toasts to the groom that were nearly disgusting with sexual references that could embarrass any bride. The best man should be chosen and given guidelines for what kinds of jokes he’ll make during his toast. Best idea is none, but if he might joke, give him some parameters ahead of time (best done by the groom, who [resumably doesnt want his bride embarrassed publicly).</p>
<p>Great advice, learned the only way such wisdom may be had. Thanks!</p>
<p>I missed this. CONGRATS! BEST WISHES! What an exciting time. And calm nerves while waiting for an acceptance to med school.</p>
<p>Congratulations, P2N. Now that Mollie is married, we needed some more wedding plans to interfere with. 
You and MOWC will have to keep us all informed of the respective details. I have 2 S’s and a D, none of whom show signs of being anywhere close to being ready, but I’m taking notes.</p>
<p>DH and I paid for most of our wedding (total budget ~$4K, 24 years ago). I made my dress (and the bridesmaids’), did silk flowers, etc. Live flowers only for the MOB and MOG. Our splurge was the photographer. We had a sit-down buffet and about 60 guests; not much in the way of family attended. We were VERY young, as were most of the folks who came. We put up most of them in our apartment and cooked for them over the course of the weekend. Never had the option of taking the cash in lieu of festivities. Absolutely agree that the best part of the wedding was hanging out with people at our place. Weddings are not a great place to socialize – too darned noisy! We went to the Poconos for a few days a couple days after the wedding – and on our last day there, the sheriff’s dept. came and posted foreclosure notices on the cabins. So much for a return anniversary visit! ;)</p>
<p>If I had to do it again, I’d have the wedding at the synagogue, not the catering facility. I’d do heavy hors d’oeuvres instead of a full buffet. Different dress. Definitely. I’d get outdoor pictures. I still wobble about music. I think I’d get a Kletzmer band – it wasn’t an option then, but background string music during dinner and Jewish dancing later would be fun to me. I’d bring home the chuppah I made for the occasion!</p>
<p>DH and I have discussed this a few times over the years, and his sense is that planning a wedding is an excellent test of how well a couple functions together and how they negotiate. How do they handle who to invite? How does the future spouse support the fiance/e in dealing with the future in-laws? Do they work as a team or revert to the child in dealing with parents? What are their priorities, and, where they differ, can they come to an agreement without acrimony and with respect?</p>
<p>The only change I’d make to our wedding is to get a different band. They were nice, but not really my taste. I want music I can dance too. 
I had one bridesmaid, I told her the color my flowers were going to be and sent a photo of my dress and told her to wear whatever she liked. We got married in a walled in olive grove on the Caltech campus. I loved that it was both a room and outdoors. Food was provided by the faculty club. The cake arrived and was NOTHING like the picture - it had a red jelly skimmed over each layer. With white chocolate piped decorations. At first we were taken aback but it was quite spectacular looking in its own way and delicious. (Twenty plus years later my mother still talks about how that was the best tasting wedding cake she’s ever had!)</p>
<p>I agree completely about the photographers. We recently went to a wedding where all WE saw was the backs of the photographers and videographers. There was an army of them. Very distracting.</p>
<p>Congrats- we can plan the weddings together!</p>
<p>We had our wonderful future son in law living with us the month of October while he did a medical school rotation at Vanderbilt. It was so neat to have him here, and D came in from Houston for two weekends to visit and do wedding stuff. I think Vanderbilt is now high on the list for residency, so we might have them living near us! He has a lot of interviews in January in Chicago and NY, and is trying to keep an open mind, but it’s hard to beat Vandy! My daughter will need Bishop of Texas permission to go to seminary at Vanderbilt (with an Episcopal add-on year at Sewanee), but is fairly certain she will be allowed to do it.</p>
<p>We have the church (of course), the reception venue, the band, the cake maker, the florist, the wedding dress, the photographer, the videographer…making good progress. Big issue is MY dress- D says it has to be “age-appropriate”, so the groom’s mother and I are going shopping while she is here meeting us at Thanksgiving. Our band is amazing- we couldn’t have done better if we had George Strait himself! H and D are thinking “It’s 5 o’clock Somewhere” for the father-daughter dance (only kidding, although I thought it was a fine idea). Actually might go with “Don’t Blink” (Kenny Chesney). Cake is going to look like brown leather with western detailing/tooling. (country western reception)</p>
<p>MOWC - I am impressed. Everything sounds wonderful, and fun. I love “Don’t Blink.” It would make a great father-daughter dance. And the cake sounds pretty neat, too. A real blending of Texas and Tennessee! I love how things are coming together already.</p>
<p>Your comment about your dress reminded me of a recent wedding of a friend’s daughter. Daughter wanted entire wedding party in black, including mothers’ dresses. My friend made multiple shopping trips, exchanging one dress after another, each time being told by her D that it still wasn’t what she had in mind. The D finally went with her to pick out one she approved of. My friend hated it, and changed for the reception.</p>
<p>I called my S1 and told him that, when he was asking girls out, he might want to mention ahead of time that his mother doesn’t take instruction well, looks terrible in black, and plans to wear whatever she wants to her kids’ weddings. If that’s a deal-breaker, might want to get it over with up front. He thought I was kidding. ;)</p>