One of my daughter’s acquaintances committed suicide over the weekend. D was not actually friends with the student, but had a class with her and did see her at an EC she sporadically participated in. She was shocked to hear about the suicide, talked about it for a little bit, but isn’t doing what I would call grieving because she really didn’t know her.
What is upsetting her is how many of D’s friends are posting Instagram tributes, etc. when they weren’t friends with the girl. She is also bothered by the attention the suicide is getting and has said that she wishes people would stop making such a big deal about it. (D is not talking about people who were close to the girl, but her friends that seem to be rather disingenous with their outpouring.)
Is there anything I can do/say to help her understand this? (She’s 14) I am thinking that the funeral might be very upsetting and that she probably shouldn’t go. I’m hoping some of the wise posters on this board can help me figure out the right things to do/say because I’m at a loss.
This is a tragedy. Such a terrible thing for this child’s family. It is something that people make a “big deal” about, so that’s not unusual. I wonder if your daughter is focusing on a side issue to be upset about, as opposed to the suicide. Because why does it matter if people who weren’t close friends are posting tributes? If your daughter was just an acquaintance, how would she know exactly the relationships that the teenager had? Teenagers can be very emotional, and maybe some of them are very upset and feel strongly about this suicide, whether they were close to her or not.
I don’t think I’d encourage your daughter to go to the funeral, unless she really wants to. I would encourage her to talk about it as much as she likes to you, hold her close and tell her how much you love her.
It is a tragedy. I would just tell your D that everyone will have his/her own way to process what happened. She should do what is right for her and not worry about or judge how others react. I’d let your D decide if she wants to attend the funeral or not.
I would guess that your D’s classmates are trying to understand death, afterlife, and why this happened. They may also be grieving the loss of a life gone too soon more than grieving about a specific person.
I would suggest discussing with your D what your views are on death and what happens afterwards. Maybe have your D talk with your pastor, rabbi, or other religious leader if you have one.
Does your D want to go to the funeral? I’d let her if she wants to without suggesting that she has to if she doesn’t want to go. If she wants to go, then either go with her or have a trusted adult there that can discuss it with her afterwards.
14 is an age where kids are trying to find their place in the world and form their own opinions about things. This could be a good learning experience.
Some are probably legit more upset than they realized. And some may be, honestly, drama junkies. there’s a kind of, for lack of a better word, pageantry, that social media feeds, and feeds on. I see this with adults as well as teens.
I would never to their face question someone’s grief-level, but I do in my head sometimes.
I probably wouldn’t say that to your D, but I also wouldn’t encourage her to go to the funeral unless SHE wants to. She may have, actually, a pretty fine-tuned sense of self-awareness.
Sometimes, hearing about a suicide can trigger a response in people who have considered it themselves. And at 14, they don’t really know what to do with those feelings.
What she’s seeing is probably a combination of things:
kids who may have previously had some kind of relationship with the girl (maybe friends as younger children, but went separate ways)
kids for whom this hits close to home, because they may have felt suicidal, or know someone else who has
kids for whom suicide has suddenly become all too real because it’s someone they knew
kids who have other friends who were close to her
and yes, some who will use anything to be the center of attention
for some, it might even be a way of dealing with guilt over not being aware, or over how they might have dismissed her, and how that might have contributed to how she felt.
remind her that we each react to such events in our own way, and she is allowed to react the way she feels most appropriate. Those same people she is judging might think it is her reaction that is different. Each is doing what feels right to them.
If she wants to attend the funeral, let her go, but help her to make her own decision. She shouldn’t feel pressured to attend, nor to skip it.
I would ask your D whether she thinks any of the girls posting tributes bullied the suicide victim. This behavior (posting tributes) is consistent with what I call the “bully cycle”, especially among teen girls, and might explain why your D is particularly bothered by it.
I think that’s a pretty typical reaction among kids (girls especially) that age. My daughter witnessed the same when her best friend and her entire family were killed in a car accident. Tears and drama from people who didn’t even know the family. OP’s daughter should decide for herself if going to the funeral will bring her a measure of peace. Personally, I’d encourage her to go; saying goodbye in a formal setting can help her begin to find closure.
“And some may be, honestly, drama junkies. there’s a kind of, for lack of a better word, pageantry, that social media feeds, and feeds on. I see this with adults as well as teens.”
Agree. It seems to be human nature for many to be drama junkies. I think it can be fruitful talking about that with your child, explaining the negatives of such behavior and why it is perfectly acceptable for your daughter to have the reaction she is having which differs from what she is seeing displayed by others.
I’ve lost a whole lot of people, starting at an early age - and more than one in this fashion. I personally think it is important to go to funerals. It kind of gives you closure. Being a believer, this is not upsetting in that way for me because I know this is not all there is, but it indeed is upsetting for those currently experiencing the fresh loss of a loved one, of course.
Kids follow the herd. I would consider all that social media stuff just that. Some have good intentions. Some are just virtue-signaling, very popular on social media today. Always annoying and, likely, obvious.
I’d tell my daughter to go, if she wanted to, and comfort those she could.
Funerals can be a very good thing to help children and teens process things. My daughters lost a classmate in 5th grade. It wasn’t sudden, so the 5th graders were well prepared with the process, and many of them had ‘jobs’ to do during the mass (choir, alter servers, readers). It helped them to do the things they knew how to do. It was some of the kids from other grades who weren’t as prepared for the rosary, funeral mass, or the process in general, didn’t know the process, didn’t know what to expect. Still, it was good for them to attend the funeral.
I don’t think it is unusual if your daughter wants to attend the funeral or if she doesn’t. It’s up to her. There will be many people who attend who have even less of a connection with the girl than your daughter because they want to be part of the events. I don’t think it is disingenuous, just different from your daughter’s way of processing the loss.
My daughter lost a former teammate last year. D wasn’t in the area so couldn’t attend the services, but I think it would have helped if she had been able to attend.
" Personally, I’d encourage her to go; saying goodbye in a formal setting can help her begin to find closure."
Sounds like the OP’s D doesn’t need closure–she didn’t know the girl well and is doing just fine. I think her reaction is appropriate. She’s just wondering why so many kids seem over the top about someone they didn’t even know well (or at all).
Part of the reaction of students is encouraged by schools and adults who seem to spend a lot of time telling kids how bad they should feel in these situations and encourage therapy and “closure” for feelings that aren’t present.
Wow.
It is kind to acknowledge a loss. And that’s harder for most adults to comprehend than anyone would reasonably expect.
Why attribute the worst to these teens?
It is also kind and thoughtful to attend a funeral, to show that small support to the family. And equally giving to send a “thinking of you” type note some time later, maybe toward end of summer, when the rest of the hs daughters are getting ready to go back to school, when the family will feel like everyone wants them to have forgotten and “get over it.”
But the funeral only if your D can manage it.
I don’t know if these gals are grandstanding, if it’s fake. But your D and you can send a condolence. I vol in a grief setting and people need the personal touch, the acknowledgment of their lost one. It’s really tough to be on that short end.
I often feel as though I’ve been gut-punched when I learn about the deaths of people by suicide, even people I hardly know. I think it’s normal to have a strong reaction; also normal not to.
In this same situation, I would tell my daughter not to make assumptions about the genuine-ness of other peoples’ feelings/reactions. None of us can really say for sure whether or not someone has the right to feel upset.
Also agree that there is no need for her to go to the funeral if she doesn’t feel it’s appropriate.
I think the friends are mourning the idea that someone they know could die this way more than they are grieving the loss of rhis particular person. In the earlier days of internet forums, I had to get off of a particular grief and loss group because there was too much criticism of how others were reacting to loss. Not that the OP’s daughter is doing that at all, but people do grieve in different ways. BTW I’m trying to decide if I should use my Kate Spade purse today or give it a rest!
Suicide is difficult enough to reckon with as an adult, being 14 (and that age range), I imagine, would be even more so.
2 years ago this week a long-time friend of 20+ years (friend, not acquaintance) commited suicide - her family insisted friends and aquaintences not whisper about her death, but instead say the word and share their thoughts.
Every family and person will process the death differently. I assume the OPs daughter is processing the suicide as best she can. I feel for her. My own D (now almost 30) would’ve been shattered at that age, even if it was someone she only had a class with.