We’re still grieving the loss of my nephew in August, 2015. Over 1,000 people were at his funeral and it meant the world to the entire family.
But I don’t think the daughter should judge how well others knew the girl or how others should react, and that’s what OP needs to convey to her. In my daughters’ situation, there were some kids who knew and interacted with the girl who died more, and of course there were ‘best friends.’ My kids were friendly with her, had been in girl scouts and on the same basketball team. Everyone got to grieve in his own way. Some of the tributes and message went on for years. There was a big discussion of whether she should be included in the 8th grade yearbook and a spot at graduation even though she’d died 4 years earlier. Some people needed more time and more physical tributes. I didn’t, but I didn’t care what other people did.
@lookingforward ----“It is kind to acknowledge a loss. And that’s harder for most adults to comprehend than anyone would reasonably expect.”
You are right.
This should be the message for OP’s D. The D’s own feelings and response to this tragedy are appropriate in this situation but it is also kind to acknowledge another’s loss even if it doesn’t have immediate bearing on your life.
(It doesn’t explain seemingly over the top reactions but that doesn’t concern the OP).
A million years ago when I was about that age, a boy in my small high school class was killed while running across the highway next to the school during lunchtime. There was a mom and pop diner across the street and even the elementary kids in our K-12 school were allowed to go there for lunch (until that happened).
It was an extremely tragic event at my school as several kids witnessed him running into traffic and getting hit by a large truck. And then many kids ran outside to see him lying out on the highway after they heard what happened.
I knew the boy; he rode my bus and was very nice. But while most of the other kids at my school (who didn’t know him as well as I did) were shrieking and crying, I was just numb and probably seemed unfeeling to my classmates. Then, near the end of the school day, I just suddenly broke down in tears. To be honest, at that age, I really was kind of emotionally immature, and I think it just took me longer than the others to absorb what had happened.
The school actually provided transportation (a bus and driver) to any of the kids in my class who wanted to attend the funeral. As I remember, most of the class attended. I think it meant a lot to his parents and it helped us come to terms with the fact that he was gone.
While I wouldn’t push your daughter to go to the funeral, if she decides to go, I think it might help her understand why people are making a big deal out of the death. She might not need closure herself, but I suspect that seeing that the girl was a person who was loved, grieved for, and is now forever gone from this earth will help her understand the significance of her death.
If she keeps talking about the “fake” tributes, I might kindly tell her that it’s not at all uncommon or wrong not to have an emotional reaction to someone’s death, but she should try to be understanding of people that do.
I’d rather they have a “disingenuous reaction” to the suicide than the reaction some had to the suicide of a classmate when I was a Jr in HS. The boy who died had been a friend and I was pretty broken up about it. When I mentioned it in CCD (religion) class, another said, so what, who cares, he was a weirdo. Never spoke to that guy again (had known him since 4th grade).
Don’t be surprised if she reacts later, even much later, reading books about suicide, convos with friends, etc.
Sometimes reactions are just disbelief that it can happen in a community and there’s nothing disingenuous about it.
I had at least one suicide in my friend circle each year of high school. I learned that the outpouring of support on social media was actually really comforting to their families. They were happy that their child touched so many lives before taking their own.
I think it’s borderline cruel to accuse people of faking grief. You never know what hits people hard. I’d tell your daughter that people deal was with grief in different ways and one isn’t more right than any other.
I would absolutely have your daughter attend the funeral and if you can attend, you should go too. My S has had two deaths of close friends in the past 18 months…one took his own life, the other was a tragic accident. Going to the funeral was comforting and important for him…and has really helped him understand the reality of what happened here.
@sylvan8798 - Your post really struck a chord with me over one person’s social media posting in particularI. D is terribly bothered by this one post. I know the girl and it really does make me wonder.
Thank you for all the responses.
I will definitely talk to D about how everyone mourns and processes these events differently. It really is just the reaction of a couple of her good friends that is bothering her; a couple girls she knows that were without a doubt never friends with this girl. I will also talk to her about copycat suicides and how people who are making a “big deal” about it may be doing so because suicide hits closer to home for them.
Someone in a PM suggested that attending the viewing might be better than the funeral and I think if there is a public viewing, this would be best for D. She and I can express our condolences privately. I do believe in acknowledging the family’s loss with a card, even if we don’t go to the funeral. Usually when I send a card, though, I include a little memory of the person. D doesn’t really have any on a personal level. (“She was always well-behaved in math class” just doesn’t seem comforting, so we will leave the personal note out.)
I should have checked my email before my last post. Attending the funeral or visitation is now a moot point. The school sent out a notice in which they mention a loss, but say the family does not wish the student to be named or cause of death to be published and that it will be a private memorial service for family only. I’m now questioning whether using the school directory to find the address to send a card would be considered an invasion of privacy, rather than a comfort.
How is the school addressing it as a whole with the student body? In terms of grieving, support?
Seems like that become much more difficult if the school refrains from mentioning the student by name although they should honor the family’s request.
But, “I knew her in math class” is fine.
The viewing can be difficult if you plan to walk up to an open casket. I always thought of the funeral, in contrast, as a service.
Someone connected through school or an activity doesn’t need to be a close friend to want to leave a tribute of some sort.
@doschicos - They’ve provided us with links to online information, the intake number for the local psychiatric hospital and the number for the school’s counselors. They will have a grief counselor at the school for a couple hours only tomorrow.
I think the family’s desire for privacy is impacting things. A student died in a car accident shortly after graduation a few years back and there was a lot regarding that, so I don’t think it being summer is the issue.
Maybe if there is an obituary published, there may be instructions in it for cards or donations.
I think modeling for a child what you would do in the situation if it was your acquaintance who died is a good plan of action.
My 18 year old daughter went to 3 wakes within one year for suicides. None knew each other: a 17 year old classmate who had been bullied, a 16 year old acquaintance from a neighboring school, and the 30 year old nephew of a close family friend; we saw him every Christmas night at the friend’s house.
The teacher in me wants to warn you: if she does go to the wake, please don’t let her go alone. I’ve seen too many kids alone at the wakes of friends. If there was ever a time when your 14 year old daughter ever needed her mom, it’s now.
The mom in me knows that there’s nothing you can say or do to erase this pain. It doesn’t have to be someone she knew well for it to be incredibly painful. I had never met that classmate who had been bullied, but it brought tears to my eyes the first time I drove past the train tracks he chose as the place to end his life.
Some of her classmates may be talking about it simply because they process grief differently than she does; they find comfort in the conversation. Or they may think that to not talk about it somehow implies that the death of a 14 year old isn’t worth the conversation. Let her know that, even though their way is not her way, there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
And what should, what needs to come from the epidemic of suicides we’re seeing is an awareness. Our kids need to learn to be kind, particularly to those who for whatever reason seem to be on the outside. Not everyone’s pain can be eased by the kindness of others, but we’ve got to try for an awareness that another person seems to be in pain, and willing to tell an adult, to venture a smile or a hello.
Echo what @bjkmom said about being with your daughter if she is chooses to attend the funeral or memorial. DS had a childhood through high school friend who committed suicide at 21. At the funeral, he wept on my shoulder in a way I haven’t seen before or since. The clergyman did a great job of describing the young man’s depression as an illness, while addressing the many feelings in the room directly (guilt, blame, fear, anger, sadness). I was grateful that he and the family had clearly worked together to not only remember their son, but also to provide his community with support and education that they could use to cope with the loss. DS’s situation was different than OP because there was history there and they were older, but such events can be important life learning and being there to process the questions, the reactions, the information and see what your DD is experiencing directly can be very helpful.
Agree with other posters that this hits everyone differently and compassion is a good approach to start with. 14 is so darn young to process this and it is brutal at any age. Our small community had 5 youth suicides or attempts made public in various ways in less than two years (years later than DS’s friend). The youngest suicide was a pre-teen. Sadly, accurate information, what to do if…, etc,. is terribly relevant. Good that your daughter is talking and you are listening.
While it’s certainly possible that some of the grievers were bullies, that doesn’t mean they don’t feel badly. I was bullied terribly in 7th grade and the main perpetrator apologized for it several years later. It changed my life. I now see that a lot of bullying comes from fear and a temporary insanity.
I’d encourage your daughter to not look at these tributes as fake. As others have said it means a lot to the family. I would not force her to attend the funeral, but she should not feel she shouldn’t go just because she wasn’t best buddies. Funerals bring closure that you may not know you need yet, and they mean the world to the family. If she doesn’t go, I’d encourage her to write a note to the family.
Personally, I’d steer miles clear of the wake, unless you’re completely certain there won’t be an open casket. Imo, that’s too much for a 14 year old.
In contrast, if there are concerns, you could arrive later at the funeral service, sit in back, and possibly greet the family in any receiving line. A handshake and an “I’m Susie Smith, Jane was my classmate, I’m so sorry” is all it needs.
We talk a lot about being nice, the issues with teen emotions, etc. It’s so sad when a child takes his or her life. But sometimes these compassionate, human steps (the condolences or showing up) are a significant life lesson. They can help our kids not just move forward, but form ideas of how to act/respond/support in the future.
An open casket is not too much for a (typical) 14 year old. Many cultures bring everyone from babies on, and that is expected, as it is for other family events. Treating death as some special scary thing that requires special attention to handle is worse than approaching it head on. Even very young children can understand.
What works for some cultures is not right for all. I would not make decisions for my children based on what other teens are exposed to. That’s their culture, their family expectations, their own form, whatever it is, of support.
And it can be alarming, even in those cultures. Plus this case may be “out of the blue,” no prior experience with an elder or other family member passing.
If the keyword is respect, that does include a young teen’s sensitivities.
YMMV.