For those that missed the earlier update - the family has chosen to withold the name and circumstances of the death in any school correspondence about the situation and will be having a private memorial service for family only.
I would not have hesitated to take her to a visitation that included an open casket. We took our oldest to one at 6. It’s always been part of the process for both my and my DH’s family. We’ve even discussed with our kids that if we were to pass away before our parents and an open casket it possible, that we would want that for our parents.
My daughter was in the same situation when the older brother of one of her closest friends killed himself. One girl in particular, who had never even had a conversation with this boy, drove her crazy with her oversized expressions of grief. I think for the girl it had to do with being a part of something other people were feeling, not wanting to be left out of an event she knew to be important even if she wasn’t directly connected to it.
My sense was that part of what was hard for my daughter was that she was in genuine pain but the other girl’s weeping and wailing made her quiet tears look paltry, as if she didn’t care about her friend’s brother. She didn’t want to have to employ histrionics to have her pain understood by friends and teachers who were giving this other girl a lot of attention.
We talked about how people feel and express grief differently, with some quite open about it and others private. I also tried to point out that situations like this can bring out strong feelings in general and sometimes the grief people are expressing is more about other losses in their life than this one in particular.
In her case I think going to the funeral was helpful in that it was something concrete she could do to express her condolences to the family and it was a way to say goodbye to someone she cared about. Perhaps there’s a way for the kids themselves to have some sort of informal get-together to remember this girl. The family may be in too much pain to see kids (some of whom they may in part blame for this child’s death if her classmates were unkind to her) but the kids may need some kind of ritual to put it behind them.
Every time I scroll past this thread name, I’m sorry again to see the word “disingenuous” applied to others’ expressions of grief and sorrow at a young suicide. I can understand the reaction to disbelieve dramatic, over the top reactions, but as a community attempts to deal with this tragedy with kindness, one part of that kindness can be respecting the sincerity of others’ expressions of their emotions.
I will not look at dead bodies. It’s a personal thing. The person isn’t there anymore, IMO, and I don’t need to look at a corpse to mourn. I do not judge anyone who wants an open casket or thinks it’s comforting to view the body.
I still go to wakes and funerals. I just steer clear of the casket. I don’t think an open casket is a reason not to go to something.
@Sue22 “situations like this can bring out strong feelings in general and sometimes the grief people are expressing is more about other losses in their life than this one in particular”
This is so true. Anyone who had experienced the death of a loved one may have had those feelings brought up again. This happened to me in high school when a teacher (not my teacher) died and I broke out crying about my father who had died 3 years earlier. Of course, I did not tell other students this reason because I knew most would not get it. I could’ve easily looked like a disingenuous griever.
@“Cardinal Fang” - What seems disingenuous is the use of the word “bestie” when posting on social media, when in real life you hardly ever spoke to the girl. One of D’s better friends did this and it’s that kind of behavior that D is finding upsetting. Neither she nor I is questioning anyone being upset about it.
In a situation like this, it’s just a word.
The larger issue is the untimely and unfortunate loss of a classmate, a family’s daughter.
Honestly, if this were my daughter, chafing at how others are handling it, I would say, “Right now, let’s deal with this loss. If it doesn’t affect you much, because you were not close, let’s still respect this for the tragedy it is. Later, we can talk about specific words, actions, posts, etc. But now is the time to draw close, support friends and each other, get through this initial shock.”
Only you and your daughter can determine how to respond or feel about how others are reacting. You are allowed to have your own feelings.
However, I would suggest that you take a step back and try to imagine how you would feel if others were making judgements about how your daughter is handling it.
“Romani: I will not look at dead bodies. It’s a personal thing. The person isn’t there anymore, IMO, and I don’t need to look at a corpse to mourn. I do not judge anyone who wants an open casket or thinks it’s comforting to view the body”.
Well, as a person who has been to more funerals than most will ever attend, I will only say that it does really seem to help with grieving and closure. On the closed casket ones, it seemed less real, somehow, over time.
I do agree with you that the person is no longer there, but looking at him and saying goodbye seems to help let him go in your own mind. At least it does for me.
What part of I don’t find it comforting wasn’t clear? I find it incredibly creepy. But, as I said, I don’t judge others who find it comforting. We all deal with grief in our own way. As long as you’re not hurting anyone or putting others in harm’s way, grieve however you will.
Do whatever you want. I’m just rather experienced in this, unfortunately, and was sharing my perspective, having experienced a wide variety of such events. That’s all.
When my daughters’ classmate died, some of the parents were very concerned about the open casket at both the rosary and the funeral. The child was 10 but had been ill for a while, and was probably the size of a 4 year old. It really was better for the kids in the end. Some hung back at first, but by the end most had approached and many left notes or little gifts in the coffin.
I also have been to many funerals, as it is fairly common to attend services of neighbors, family of friends or coworkers and extended family.
Many have open casket, some have urns with a photo of deceased, some have closed casket. I’m generally fine with whatever the family chose and mainly try to comfort the surviving family members I know.
I’m generally neither creeped out nor do I find more or less closure with one type of service or celebration of life than another. I can see pros and cons of each.
I find services for children and young folks the hardest — fortunately I haven’t been to many of these.
I have no issues with open caskets, but that’s me. All 3 of my kids are also OK with them.
But no one has experience with another person’s emotions or background. What works for my family works for my family. Period. No matter how many wakes I’ve been to-- and as a teacher, sadly, I’ve been to far too many for students-- that only give me my own perspective. It doesn’t mean that what works for me would or should work for @romanigypsyeyes or the OP"s daughter or for anyone else.
Going to a wake, and choosing not to go up to the coffin, is absolutely respectful.
One of the wonderful things about being an adult is that we each get to find our own way. As long as we’re not hurting anyone else-- and in this situation, no one is-- then we can each make our own choices. No one else’s perspectives trumps our own.
OP said she’s comfortable with the choices for her daughter.
I think it very much depends in the religious tradition you were raised with and follow. My Jewish friends show respect without an open casket, my Catholic friends tend to stand by the casket at the wake, so no avoiding the body. As I volunteer with people grieving, most important to me is that you show support more than just a card or showing up at any service. The bereaved can hurt for a long time.
TM said it helps with grieving and closure, but that’s us, the friends and guests, not those dealing with loss in the months and years to come. You’d be surprised how many guests’ “closure” ends at the service.
If you take social media out of the equation.
Suicide happens to an entire community. As previous posters have noted, kids are trying to figure out where they belong in the world. They are trying to make sense of something that has no reason. They might be asking themselves. Why would this person kill themselves? Do I know anyone else who might do this? What does it mean?
Teens also form the fabric of a group which is part of and at the same time distinct from that of adults. They express emotions differently and feels things differently. So while some may try to harness the drama for attention, others are truly reeling.
My father and I once went to a funeral for someone I knew well ( drove to school with for four years) who had thrown himself off a cliff. My Dad had seen this kid and played hockey with him. My Dad was grief stricken. ( I think he felt in his bones the pangs of being a parent and losing a child, I felt something else). It doesn’t mean that either of us wasn’t genuine in our grief, it was just different.
Going to a funeral in our family is showing respect for the family. You must show up just because it IS hard and no one wants to go. You must stand around and its awkward. The hardest things in life usually involve some discomfort. That doesn’t mean we don’t have to do them. That’s our family motto. Honestly, I would have a hard time find an out for my kids if they knew someone who committed suicide. But we live in a small town so I would feel like it’s losing a member of the community whether you knew them well or not.
“For those that missed the earlier update - the family has chosen to withold the name and circumstances of the death in any school correspondence about the situation and will be having a private memorial service for family only.”
Open casket or closed or no casket, OP’s daughter won’t be attending the service.
@romanigypsyeyes my husbands family not only has open caskets, but takes photos of the deceased in the casket, and tons of photos of everyone at the wake and the dinner after, and then sends them to relatives who are scattered, and back to “the old country”. My MIL said that people were always disappearing in her country, so taking photos became a custom to prove that the person was dead, to people receiving the news.
I’ve never much worried about what other people were doing. We did what was right for our children. I like history and I enjoy reading about other people’s customs, but that doesn’t make them right for us.
I thought it was interesting that OP’s daughter seemed to believe she knew how close other students were. My children had close friends in grade school that they’d drifted away from by high school. Just because people don’t appear to be close now it doesn’t mean they never were.