<p>Hi,
I haven’t actually ever hinted at my upcoming and in process divorce. Now an empty nest-- Child 1 will be a snr at prestigious school U and Child 2 will be a sophomore at Ivy U next year. </p>
<p>H and I have had 30 years together-- the last 10 “lackluster” at best. . Not going to share the boring details of why we are getting a divorce-- but I’m happy and he doesn’t know what hit him. He would go on in this way for another 30. We will remain friends and for the moment - each could count on the other if a terrible illness or emergency emerged.</p>
<p>Ok – so I’ve got a great attorney.
I am getting the house! (An inheritance paid a significant down payment years ago- so we agreed it was fine for me to take the house) We have agreed on how to jointly fund our children’s college. We both have solid careers and will be fine on our own financially - no alimony- everything is being split without argument.</p>
<p>So I am a bit stuck on what to do with the house. No real sentimental memories here-- it’s our second house. It’s more house than I need-- 4 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms. Worth about $280k if it sells – maybe as low as $250. I will assume the mortgage - -5 years left with $61k to pay off. So after closing costs etc, I hope to have $200 in equity maybe less if the house goes even lower when it sells.
I’ve been running the numbers-- and while I can manage the cash outlays- it seems rather unnecessary to spend this much to keep this big a house. It will be a stretch-- I would have to curtail retirement savings and vacations and extra cash to the kids – but could do that a while until the house is paid off. I just turned 50 earlier this year.
Mortage $1050, Taxes $ 425 and Insurance/Energy costs $ 360
So I’m spending $1800 or so to live here. And taxes and energy costs could rise of course.
Rentals of even a nice one or two bedroom in my community would be $1200 and no tax write -off on interest, no equity building- the differential isn’t so great. Maybe 300-400 more a month for the house I"m in vs. a rental.
But I dont’ want this big damm house.</p>
<p>Realtor says not to rush into buying something smaller-- b/c maybe I’ll want to relocate and for all the closing out of this one and into the new one- I loose so much – just stay put. She even suggested borders or changing my walk-out finished basement (now a gorgeous family room) into a 1 bedroom apartment.</p>
<p>So any thoughts-- Financial or Emotional:
Should I:
Stay put and live in too big and unnecessarily pricey home
(get my head on straight for a few months post divorce)
Get some borders?
Any one do this - don’t I need privacy post divorce-- or is being around people – strangers mind you a good thing? Could rent out the basement as a studio with kitchen privledges or even rent one of the kids bedrooms or turn my home office into a room for a border.
Move into an apartment
(cleansing my soul by throwing out so much junk)
Move into and buy a smaller house or condo or townhouse
Or ???</p>
<p>Obviously two issues here- financial and lifestyle choices.</p>
<p>Welcome your non-judgmental advice-- I’m putting myself out here…please be gentle.</p>
<p>signed,</p>
<p>probably not really going to know what hit me very soon"</p>
<p>I highly recommend this, even if you’re not moving. Just pretend that you’re going to sell the house and you have to declutter. If you end up selling, you’re done. If you end up keeping the house, you’ve freed up some important psychic space for yourself.</p>
<p>I’d be torn between making a “clean break/new start in new space” vs staying in the house, adjusting to the divorce and not having too many radical/stressful changes at one time. Are your kids attached to the house as the “home” they come back to during college breaks? They’ll be adjusting to the divorce, too. Even if they don’t have a lot of young childhood memories in the house, they might appreciate that bit of stability during holidays.</p>
<p>I rent my basement (apartment) to a cc student. How much privacy you give up depends on the layout of your house. My tenant couldn’t be nicer (and quiet, clean, trustworthy, etc.I know her parents through church circles). If you don’t spend much time in your house, having someone else living there–who also spends little time there–won’t get in your way too much. Some people like to be alone and crave absolute privacy when they get home from work. Some like knowing that someone else is around–even if you don’t talk to them much or have a personal relationship with them. If you live near a college, or belong to a church, you might find a good tenant through those avenues. Also, students rent by the semester/school year, so that puts a time limit on the rental if you try it and decide you don’t like it. Finding the right person is key. For me, it has worked out better than I expected. (I prefer my tenant to my own kids!)</p>
<p>Personally, I’d rather move to an apt, then take my time to find a smaller place with charm. If apt is in same town, or nearby, the kids would still be able to see HS friends.</p>
<p>The boarder idea is good too. It sounds like you have ways to maintain privacy. </p>
<p>It’s generally not a good idea to have too many major life changes at once, if you can help it. The divorce, while amicable, may well be more stressful than you imagine, and having familiar surroundings will probably be comforting to you and your children. </p>
<p>I would stay put for now. You can always choose to move later. I also think vballmom’s decluttering idea, no matter what you decide, is great: you’ll be making a fresh start in a really tangible way, easing into the idea of moving on even if you don’t actually move right away. Best of luck!</p>
<p>For what it’s worth, I “board” with a nice lady during the week near my work. (I live 70 miles from the job.) It works for both of us – I have my own bedroom, kitchen privileges, share the bathroom with her (not too crazy about that part --). I pay her $500 per month and am only there Monday night through Friday morning, so it works out quite well for both her and me.</p>
<p>I would prefer to have a separate bathroom, kitchen, entrance, but for the time being this is OK. she’s also hardly ever there. Even though she’s nice, I really don’t want to interact with her that much and be her friend.</p>
<p>If you do decide to go that route, you should try to find a friend of a friend – not a total stranger. Somehow having a total stranger move into your house would scare me a bit. You never know what you’re going to get.</p>
<p>I think it is very hard to advise on something like this unless you have been there. I will share my siblings experience. She moved two and a half years after her divorce. It was a divorce she wanted and wS long over. Even so when he finally moved it was very emotional for her. She moved tobe close to their only child who was going to college. Sold the house in one week and bought a great condo. Condo is in a lesser priced atea so no mortgage. Great move and it all made sense but it was still difficult. I would definitely wait with the plan to move in a year or so.</p>
<p>Speaking from several life expereinces, I’ve found for me its best to take these things in small baby steps. Get divorced, decluttered, then look around… If you need a boarder, talk to ppl, do your research, etc. Dont know how the market is in your area, stinks here. Wouldnt do to put a house up for sale in our market… Taking some time to breath and process the divorce might give time for the market to improve. Dont they advise to wait a year during an upheaval to make any huge decisions? </p>
<p>Unless financially you cant, then all bets are off. But needing to curtail for a year should be manageable…Just my two cents worth…disclaimer I am a very conservative and cautious person, that colors my views…</p>
<p>Before you take in a boarder or convert that room into an apartment, check to see if your zoning laws permit that sort of thing–ours don’t.</p>
<p>In making your decision, keep in mind 1) how much upkeep, repairs, heat, electricity, etc. for a big house will drain you financially as compared to a condo and 2) the consensus of opinion among experts that housing prices will not even start to recover for years.</p>
<p>You say very clearly that you don’t like your house. You don’t like cleaning it or owning it or maintaining it. I vote for moving. At that point, I’d suggest trying on options by renting for at least six months. If you’ve always wanted to live in a small place, rent a small place. In the city? Rent a city place.</p>
<p>^Our town doesn’t allow in-law apartments either. So borders are only legal if you are willing to share the kitchen. (I think you can have 3 unrelated adults.) I vote for moving, but I don’t think you have to be in a big hurry about it. You might want to wait till your youngest is out of college, or you might not.</p>
<p>Downsize and save the difference for retirement.</p>
<p>I know a few women who have been in similar situations (divorced after many years of marriage). The ones who downsized found that they really enjoyed having a space that was truly their “own”.</p>
<p>VeryHappy, are you sure? In my town, I can have a border. What I can’t have is three borders. Or one border with a separate kitchen. Honestly no one minds a single border, what they don’t want is an illegal two family house, or houses that have been unsafely divided into more rooms than they had originally, or houses that are so overcrowded they tax the sewers.</p>
<p>I have been doing alot thinking about things and timing is of course everything in real estate. More buyers in the spring but I am in no hurry to clear out my home in 2-3 months.
So I’m going to sit tight until end of summer and after a few months feeling it out-- I will decide if I want to get boarders or sell and get into something smaller. If i go smaller – I would rather buy than rent-- renting is only a few hundred a month less than buying, and it’s just money down the drain.
One kid is a senior and has little stored here that cannot at this point be place in 5-7 boxes. The sophomore was never apack rack and those belongings are at most 2 boxes (unless we include all the lego - then another 5 boxes plus 4 of comic books - forgot about all that stuff in the garage-).
Neither kid cares about the house and at this point with summer internships-- no one has any desire to rush back to this house. So I have their blessings. They seem more concerned about where their dad is going.</p>
<p>My only burning concern is that in the short run, my living expense on this house (tax, mortage, utlilies) are pushing too high a percentage of my after tax income. But I guess if I lost my job or became ill, boarders it would be.</p>
<p>I appreciate all your candid advise and suggestions.</p>
<p>As I said, two issues, financial and emotional.
I so want to get on with my life-- and the small charming tiny house seems so attractive! Renting seems scary-- the thought of hearing other tenants’ noises/coming and going worries me–. Years ago when buying our first home we had an option to share a driveway-- my dad warned us not to buy the home b/c we had no control on who the next owner might be. We are glad we listened to his advise and it stuck with me - I have always purchased homes with enough distance between my home and the next for semi-privacy. I’d loose that with renting and certainly with boarders.</p>
<p>Here’s a bad joke- maybe I should get foster children-- they pay the rent (only kidding)!</p>
<p>Seriously- thanks much everyone.
First stop-- summer by myself – H moves out June 1. One child is living with him for the summer and the other has an internship out of state. So I’ll be by myself and so so so looking forward to it.
Once the house is cleaned I’ll focus on phase 2.</p>
<p>Just wanted to say thank you all again.
H finally left over the weekend. We have yet to settle where the pets are going. We have three cats-- and well, cat litter has been his household chore without any complaints for so long that I am sort of grossed out at the thought of empty cat litter. </p>
<p>I begin the house decluttering process tomorrow – I have the large garbage bags and am so excited! Salvation army and city dump here I come!</p>
<p>I am actually going to sell in September - let the kids get back from summer internships in August, and once back to school then I’ll put it on the market.</p>
<p>Some of you Pm’d me the past month – my apologies - I simply didn’t get back on this acct.</p>
<p>Put your house on the market and hope it sells. Our area has a dead market. Many, including us, waiting to downsize for 1 or 2 or even more years, sigh. You may not be moving soon even if you want to.</p>
<p>Anything that Salvation Army (or Goodwill if you choose to donate there as well) won’t take such as sheets, blankets, towels, and the like please take to your local animal shelter or ASPCA before just taking it to the city dump. Most shelters I have talked to are always in need of those kind of supplies as bedding and happily accept those kind of donations.</p>
<p>Once you declutter you may want to consider hiring a stager. I know people have quicker results selling houses when they use one. A fresh set of eyes and someone who know how to stage is worth it.</p>