Divorce on the horizon

H & I will very likely divorce. We’ve been living mostly separate lives for quite awhile. We don’t fight, but if we do get into a disagreement, it’s usually about finances. We’ve had separate bedrooms for 2? years and that’s better for both of us. We have two kids, one launched, one in her second year in college.

It’s not clear to me who will initiate the divorce or when. It IS clear that there’s not much left now that we are not full-time, in-the-thick-of-it parents.

Our very old home is in an economically depressed area, and the last time a realtor took a look at the comparables, it wasn’t favorable. There have been a lot of foreclosures and short sales in the immediate area, so the most recent sales are very low. We are still underwater.

I’m not in any hurry. I’m not seeing anyone else. The younger kid will probably still bounce home on breaks for a couple more years. Living under one roof and having combined incomes is, obviously, better financially. We are able to swing a 3rd car for the kid away at OOS school, and we are paying down the loan we took out for the older kid’s tuition quickly. We are able to save.

What I’m concerned about is that he might be getting serious with whomever he is seeing on the side and one, might want more control over the finances (right now I’m CFO), or two, might want to initiate a divorce or separation.

Financially & emotionally, I don’t feel I’m ready. I cannot afford the house on my own. It’s not that the mortgage is high, but by time you take into account the property taxes, and utilities, and the inevitable repairs on this old beauty, I’d have almost nothing left at the end of the month. He could probably afford to keep the house, especially if he took on a roommate, which might be easier for him to do, than for me to do. But would he want to? I doubt it.

I guess in my head, I figured we would wait until the market recovered enough, then sell. And, it would be nice for the youngest one to have a place to bounce back to on breaks. What I’m saying is, if I were on my own & had to move, I’d probably shove myself into a small inexpensive one bedroom apartment somewhere. Our youngest has had some serious emotional problems, so I’m always thinking of the consequences of a big shake up, to her.

The last week or so, I’ve really been struck by how hard it would be to move and get rid of so much that you need for a 1800 sq ft house, that you don’t need for a one bedroom apartment.

I’m also imaging walking away with very little. If we do a short sale or foreclose, that would have it’s own ripple effect to our lives. Uff.

I work from home about 60% of the time, and moving my office in the midst of a new project coming up in 2018…it’s all very, very overwhelming to think about. I feel very alone.

Last year, I talked to a lawyer, who was helpful. The takeaway message was there’s nothing to do really, until we need to decide what we are going to do. I figured that can was kicked down the road, but now I’m not so sure. At least I won’t be blind-sided, and yet, I don’t feel I’m ready yet.

Seeing my therapist this week!

I’d really appreciate some kinds words and some wisdom. My head is SPINNING out scenario after scenario, without much clarity.

I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this. I hope it works out better than you suspect.

I don’t know much about the subject, but I have to disagree with the lawyer who said there’s nothing to do, really. I have read that there are many steps you can take to protect yourself financially ahead of a divorce, to make sure you don’t get the short end of the stick. I don’t know what they are, but please look into this. I hope someone will post helpful suggestions for you.

You are checking in with your therapist soon, why don’t you also check in with your lawyer again? How about some independent financial advice for yourself as well? You say you currently are the family CFO, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you have your financial ducks quite in the row that they need to be in when the ax falls on your marriage.

Sending all good thoughts your way.

Do you think your girls know that things are not smooth between you and your H?

I agree with touching base with the lawyer or maybe a different lawyer to map out a ahead of time plan.

A new place (could you afford a 2 bedroom perhaps?) might be a very healthy fresh plan for you when the time is right.

Good job taking care of yourself with the therapist - your health and well being is a key factor in all of this.

Do you want to divorce? Are these irreconcilable differences at this point and a done deal? Is it something that you’ve both tried to work out or is that a step worth taking?

Hugs. Divorce is never easy. I was going to suggest that you see a lawyer but you have already done that.

I have a friend who is in a similar situation - although she has only one son, currently a junior in college. Their house is perhaps at water level - meaning that it should sell for what they owe - less the real estate agent fees/commissions. She has asked me if I would help her sort out what she should keep, and what to sell/donate. I think she knows that I am very organized and I could help make a long project move a lot quicker.

You are fortunate that your H and you don’t fight, and he apparently still trusts you with the finances to keep (allow?) you to be CFO. If he is seeing someone on the side, I am not so sure he will be pressing for a divorce - after all, he has what he wants, and doesn’t have to deal with the stress of the finances too.

I presume you have both tried to reconcile, and that you’ve either just grown apart, or no longer have sufficient interest in each other to fight for your relationship. This is sad, but remember that blaming serves no real purpose. Life is too short to remain unhappy.

The change you foresee is major, which is why you feel overwhelmed, but you both have a right to your own future happiness. You both presumably want to be fair, and to do what’s necessary for your D at school.

Would you feel better getting a divorce but agreeing to be his roommate for say 2 years? Let it be weird / awkward for him to have his new relationship.

@Midwest67 Sending hugs to you. I can fully appreciate where you are in this state of limbo - I was there 4-5 years ago. I was forced to make a decision and act and have never regretted it. I would never ever encourage someone to divorce, but if you KNOW it is inevitable then move forward and make decisions accordingly, Start creating your new life today. Seek counsel, plan and look after your best interests. You deserve to be happy. And that doesn’t equate to being selfish which is how I at one time viewed that statement. You can make a happy life for yourself. Spend time with people that make you feel good about yourself. Being on your own and happy beats together and indifferent all day every day.

ETA: getting my house ready to sell and for me to move was very cathartic. It kept me busy and I felt productive. Once I started, it did not seem as overwhelming.

@doschicos The marriage cannot be saved. We have succeeded in staying together to raise our kids and to prevent financial ruin. I have hopes this can be relatively amicable.i wouild be fine continuing to live as roommates until we are on better $$ footing.

The lawyer pointed out that there are a lot of couples who live separate lives but maybe don’t advertise it. Lawyer said it often comes to a head when an outside romantic interest complains. Why are you still with him/her?

@abasket Its obvious we have separate lives, and separate bedrooms and take separate vacations. We both work unconventional hours and have different days off. The kids must notice, but have never said anything to me about it.

I’m sorry you’re facing this difficult journey. It’s one I haven’t been on, so I would just advise you to try to see the positive change this could bring if you feel overwhelmed and sad. A small apartment can be very cozy and much easier to manage than a large house that might need repairs. Maybe you can go visit a few that are having open houses and see some options. See if you can manage a 2 bedroom for your home office and for guests. You can probably write off some of your rent if you have a home office.

My sister found the book “Spiriitual Divorce” very helpful. In her case, her ex blindsided her with his demand for a divorce and it was very painful. You are mentally preparing yourself but it will not necessarily be easier. If your H starts making demands because of the person he is seeing, remind yourself that dealing with all this will mean you can let him and that drama be a part of your past. Look to your future, to the things and people you really enjoy and plan for more of that!

Go see a financial planner. A big issue with divorce at your age is the financial meltdown. You mention being underwater on the house. How much? Any possibility one can stay? What about retirement funds, pensions, etc.? You will need to figure out the “business” side of it. It can get expensive if you’re not careful. You’re actually “lucky” in that it sounds like you can “ease” your way out as opposed to a big fight. It’s not easy. Good luck.

I’m very sorry for your situation. I have several friends who are now divorcing after 25 to 30 plus years of marriage. It is very hard, especially financially. Google articles on retirement and divorce and it’s very depressing. Usually the articles say things like ‘don’t do it!’ or ‘one of the worst things you can do to wreck your retirement savings is divorce’.

But what price happiness? They don’t answer that.

Divorce is expensive especially if there are protracted disagreements over how to split the assets (home, 401(k)s), whether husband is going to provide spousal support, and how to divide the debts.

Basically it comes down to will you be happier staying the way things are or divorcing given that you will be worse off financially but perhaps better off emotionally.

@3puppies wrote: Would you feel better getting a divorce but agreeing to be his roommate for say 2 years? Let it be weird / awkward for him to have his new relationship.

I don’t see a big benefit to divorcing but staying roommates, although I do see benefits to staying roommates until we are ready to divorce.

@rom828 wrote: Start creating your new life today. Seek counsel, plan and look after your best interests

Yes, doing that. Once it seemed like the youngest was going to succeed at college, I shifted gears. I’m getting out a lot more, joined a hiking club, making an effort to make new friends, paying attention to how much I can reasonably count on making (flexible income).

@greenwitch wrote: A small apartment can be very cozy and much easier to manage than a large house that might need repairs.

Yes, this house is overwhelming. I am very very emotionally attached to it, but I’ve been telling myself for years now, eventually we would sell or let it go. I shop online for apartments now and again, and although it’s humbling how little I can reasonably afford, I do have options.

I can already see that I’ll feel somewhat embarrassed, by where I’m living and by gossip about our eventual break-up. Hopefully I’ll be too busy working and making a good life for myself to be bothered too much by it.

@yourmomma

At best, $20K underwater. Better than 5 years ago! Some of the nicer homes for sale on our street just aren’t selling. The market is terrible here. I’m having coffee with an accountant friend next week. I’ll ask for a recommendation on a financial advisor who is well versed in underwater houses and divorce.

@TatinG wrote: Divorce is expensive especially if there are protracted disagreements over how to split the assets (home, 401(k)s), whether husband is going to provide spousal support, and how to divide the debts.

Basically it comes down to will you be happier staying the way things are or divorcing given that you will be worse off financially but perhaps better off emotionally.


It might not be my choice (status quo or divorcing), which is why I’m suddenly feeling threatened. And yes, I’d be worse off financially. I can barely think about retirement without overwhelming anxiety, so no Googling divorce and retirement for me!

The lawyer seemed to think our divorce could be relatively simple. H does not make the big bucks. I work full time. The kids are not minors.

Make sure you have copies of all financial documents (retirement accounts, Social Security statements, pension estimates if you/H have one, brokerage/savings/checking accounts, all bills, etc.). If you have a HELOC or open-ended equity loan, make sure he can’t tap that, esp if you are jointly liable, which is usually the case if you are both on the title/mortgage. (I have a friend who got really burned when her ex drained the HELOC and SHE had to pay it all back.)

Best wishes to you for a smooth transition.

This is what “perceived happiness” will cost you and your family:

  1. One of you is going to have to buy out the person or sell the house outright and split the proceed. It will be costly.
  2. Two of you living separately is going to cost you more
  3. Lose, lose proposition when it comes to finance
  4. Your kids will be torn about who they see at holiday times. They don’t have enough time to see their parents at different times. If both of you are living under the same roof, when kids are home they can easily both parents.
  5. It will be difficult when you have major events, like graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren, and be able to celebrate together as a family
  6. your kids and your grandchildren won’t have a home for them to visit (may not matter that much to you)
  7. You will no longer have in-laws as your family any more (may be a good thing), and you will lose some (many) friends.
  8. You will be seen as the odd-woman out and not be invited to any more couple events.

I do not speak with my ex, his choice. He has a new live-in GF. I have moved on and am happier than I have been in a long time. I was the major bread winner, so I lost a lot financially. But it’s really our kids who are suffering now and that was unexpected for me. They do not see their father much at all and we are always stressed around holiday time. In some ways, I think it is harder to get divorced when kids are older because it is what they know and remember.

If you think getting divorced is the only option for you guys, strategically you want to wait until he has a GF and he needs to get out. Whoever wants out more will give up more. To save on the legal fee and if you are amicable, try to work it out among yourself on how you want to split up your assets, kids’ expenses (college tuitions), and ongoing maintenance.

My ex and I used one attorney to draft the agreement. He was the one who really wanted to get out, even though he was not in a relationship, so the terms were more favorable to me. My total legal expense was under 2K.

Marriage in some ways is more of a financial union (in the old days it was). There are many couples who lead separate lives and are still married financially. It is possible if you do agree not to embarrass each other too much. I would think hard before making any decision.

My .02.

@Midwest67 - hugs! This is a very tough time. I didn’t want to get divorced and tried to carve out my own interests then I found out he was hiding big purchases (he didn’t make any money) and I realized I’d be worse off financially staying married.
My advice: see more than one attorney, and try to settle via mediation. I thought my divorce would be simple - no custody issues; marital house has been sold; it dragged out for 2+ years with an $80k legal bill.
PM me if you have any mortgage related questions - I can help.
Keep on hiking :slight_smile:

@oldfort

Post #14 is totally worth more than two cents. You brought up a lot of things I’ve already thought about, but it’s good to read them in a concise post.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I have no advice, but may I offer this tiny bit of support?

In my experience with dreadful situations, the anticipation, anxiety, and lead up has always been worse than the aftermath. Sometimes, the aftermath has even been surprisingly wonderful. Should your ax fall, I truly hope that you can find that the aftermath is not nearly as bad as you might be imagining.

You’re getting some good advice, so I’ll just send virtual hugs. You sound like a very sensible person and I’m glad you’re taking YOUR financial well-being into consideration as you look to the future. That’s smart. Wishing you the very best.

I’ll disagree a bit on this. It will primarily depend on how “adult” the people are. Our wedding had 4 “moms,” 2 dads, a boyfriend and a girlfriend. By the time the photographer finished, he couldn’t believe it. :slight_smile:

And when the grand kid was born, that changes a lot as well. The ex’s did get together for all the “events.” As they got older, it got easier – bygones.