First of all, hugs!
Post #13 - excellent points, especially the HELOC or any other credit line that can be easily tapped into. Even if the spouse is fiscally responsible now, things can quickly change if a new GF will be needed to be showered with attention (read: lavish gifts and experiences). It is certainly possible to prove waste of marital assets, but is expensive. Preventing waste before it happens if cheaper.
First of all I am sorry you are having to experience this. Divorce is difficult no matter if is mutual or not.
At least both your kids are adults and one is out of college so that makes the separation agreement a bit easier since you may not have to deal with child support issues, custody, and visitation.
Since you are not being blindsided in this matter I think it would be best to get familiar with the laws in regards to divorce in your state. I know it is hard to think of these things when the heart is emotional and you have invested most of your life to this marriage and there is always the hope that things will get resolved. Do you have a very good friend you can confide in that can be by your side through the process? Sometimes it is helpful to have someone not attached to the issue to think level headed and plan for the future. The main issue is how assets and finances will be distributed. Investments, retirement assets, health insurance, and how college costs for the 2nd child in college will get paid.
You are fortunate that you aren’t blindsided and that you now have a chance to prepare legally and protect yourself. Personally I feel it is important to have a consultation with a lawyer to help you decide how to proceed further with the main interest of protecting your finances. Perhaps even meet with a financial planner. For example are you required to file for legal separation? In some cases the couple has to be separate for one year for the divorce proceedings to go further. Again the rules are dependent on the state you live in.
For kids it is never easy. I moved from a house to a one bedroom apartment many years ago but then my child was only four years old. We had joint custody but for the most part she was with me for 100% of the time and now I am 100% financially responsible for her. There was no agreement for health insurance or college costs after age 18.
I feel it is important to talk openly with your kids about your situation but you ultimately determine how you want to approach this.
This is the ideal time to get your important documents organized and take a look at what you have. If you foresee a move in the future (next two years) start thinking of decluttering so that if you have to make a move or put the house on sale you have a head start on the prep for that. You may decide to stay together for a bit longer but you need to start detaching yourself from the situation and starting thinking ahead for your future. What is it that you want to do? Where would you like to live? I know it is a lot to think about but sooner you start focusing on future the better you will be prepared for it.
If there is anything I can do feel free to PM me and I will help in anyway I can.
More virtual hugs! I’m truly sorry you’re going through this.
You have some good advice. I’m sure there is more to come.
Make sure your attorney specializes in divorce.
A good one makes a huge difference in the final outcome. If there is only one in town retain them now before your H does. (Hopefully things work out amicably but very sane people go nuts–you want someone good in your corner–not theirs). Protect yourself.
A good divorce attorney knows all the pitfalls–both legal and financial. While your regular attornhey may be fabulous in all other areas, working with divorcing couples may not be one of them.
Stay ahead of all finances and bank accounts etc.
I hope things stay amicable for you but divorce does weird things to people.
On another note you must be thinking this divorce will be sooner rather than later. And of course you have a million scenarios and “what if’s” in your head. Write it all down–and take it to a lawyer rather than your therapist. You need some concrete legal guidance.
I’ll write more later, @Midwest67. I just want to say now that I understand what you’re going through, and I have lots of thoughts about the topic.
If you have any accounts or policies with a named beneficiary, change them now to be your children rather than your H. So any 401k, life insurance, investment accounts, etc. Just one thing you can check off as being done.
Re: attorneys. You don’t have to formally retain them to prevent your spouse from using that attorney. Once you’ve spoken to the attorney about the divorce (perhaps in a free consultation), that attorney cannot represent your spouse.
This sounds rough. I haven’t been following you, since I haven’t been on CC for long, but have you tried really talking to your kids in depth about all this? I’m not sure how old they all are, but I think the main thing parents do wrong is they keep too much from us. We know you better than anyone, so it’s highly likely we can actually give you the best advice on what to do. Trust me, all the stuff you haven’t told your kids they’ve probably figured out already. Your one kid you think will most likely not take a roommate would probably be game if you explained your situation fully, how you feel, what you’re worried about, what’s going on with your finances, and how this would be a huge help to you right now. It might make things easier on you, and you can even explain that you would put him or her in a single luxury condo if you could, but this is the deal right now and you need a little assistance from their end. You don’t need to tell them about the chick he has on the side, which they probably already know about anyway, but you could explain all the other stuff. I wish my parents would talk to me more. I’m not dumb and many times I actually think I could offer some pretty good advice. Also, just so you guys know, we do have a tendency to look at all your online stuff if you aren’t smart and leave all your chats open. Trust me, we look. I’ve seen all kinds of crap my dad writes to some chick he works with and I’ve known about it for like five years now. Hahaha! I also know which porn sites he visits, etc. Seriously, your best resources right now are your kids. Just ask them for their advice.
You can’t change 401K beneficiaries without your spouse’s consent.
@Midwest67 I appreciate your concern for your kids. My parents divorced when I was in college and up to that point in my life it was the worst thing to happen to me. Then I realized I had two parents that loved me and that I still had family. The first 5 years they did not speak to each other. But things changed when I had kids. My parents have remarried and for the past 20+ years we have ALL spent Thanksgiving together. They ALL attended high school/college graduations. My maternal grandmother recently passed and it was bit confusing at the visitation/service for people we haven’t seen in decades to see my dad there as well. (My mom and dad grew up together). It isn’t destined to be continued angst. Fast forward to my own situation. I have not spoken to my ex since our mediation. He has only seen our kids once a year since. It’s all his choice. I know it is stressful for our kids but I don’t avoid the conversations about it. I’ve made many mistakes along the way but the one thing I’m most proud of is that I have never spoken of him in a negative way. He will always be their father.
In regards to lost friendships, I have girlfriends who lost friends when they divorced. This was not my experience. If there was gossip, it never made it back to me. I was blessed to be surrounded by an unbelievably supportive group.
You cannot presume what will happen. There’s great practical advice on this thread.
No HELOC. I don’t know if he has opened up any credit card accounts besides the 2 we have in both of our names.
We have 2 car payments. His car, and the 3rd car for D. Mine is paid for. Title might be in his name though!
We have about $18K in PP loans for older D’s tuition. As I said upthread, paying that down quickly. Not much in savings as we are throwing the money at that loan to make it go away.
Younger D has a full ride. Her biggest cost for college is health insurance, plus the tax on her stipend, plus her having a car.
Mortgage. No other debt. Credit cards are for convenience (and points) and gets paid off every month.
Jobs are “okay”. No benefits. He is a very minor partner at the business. No pensions. Not much in IRA (under $80K)
The lawyer I consulted with last year specializes in divorce, has been in practice for many years, and I know (casually) 2 people who have used her and highly recommend her. I was pleased with our first meeting. She recommended I have an open conversation with him, and here we are, six months later and I have not. Bawk.
I will go over the finances, again, this week. Any excuse to make a spreadsheet, people! 
I am guessing (only a guess!) that finances will come up, shortly, when he gets back from vacation. I anticipate him having a sudden interest in where his paychecks are going, and wanting more control over that. Several “little things” he has dropped in conversation the last few weeks have raised my antennae.
I can only assume he has been giving some thought as to what he wants in the future too. It would be easier, in a way, if he forces the issue instead of me.
Meanwhile, I wait for the plumber to come fix the leaky supply line from the toilet. Yay you beautiful old 1924 house! Renting an apartment is sounding not so bad about now…
Sending more virtual hugs to you. I do think things vary state to state so understanding the rules in your state is very important. In my state (area), a nonprofit offers a ‘what to know if you’re considering divorce’ session a few times a year that people I know have found helpful.
I may be stating the obvious and you may have already done this but googling “what I need to know before I divorce in (state name)” can yield helpful information, especially if you stick to NFPs or large law firms that you know are reputable. Definitely check into mediation if it’s permitted where you are and you think your h would be amenable as it’s often (always?) less expensive. If so, consider meeting with a mediator to see what s/he advises. This would be in addition to an attorney, IMO.
Glad you’re taking care of yourself with therapy, your hiking club, etc. And, since you still have one in college, I’m sure you’ve thought about getting something in writing as to how college expenses will be paid, if you’re helping/paying for college now.
Best wishes to you.
re: being left out of couples’ events – I think that depends on how social you were when married. Ex-Dh never wanted to go to parties or BBQs, so we both stayed home. I feel much more free to join groups and clubs and go out on my own now. I may not be going to parties, but I’m enjoying myself much more than before.
“Title might be in his name though!”
Depending on your state laws, title might mean zip when it comes to whether the property is marital or separate. For example, my state is a community property state, and if the property was paid for with money earned during marriage, it is community property regardless of what the title says (absent any agreements otherwise). A divorce attorney will be able to explain how this works in your particular state.
I totally agree with getting a handle on financial situation. Maybe H has played nice to this point, but sometimes things change. A friend going thru this had her H (who said he wanted to make it work) borrowing against their 401k. Thankfully she found out. I would make sure that you know where money is and where it is going from each check. If you are still on good terms, maybe you do this together.
If you are the money person, then spend some time running some numbers about where this will leave you in the future - how close are you and H to retiring, being eligible for medicare (if you aren’t covered by your insurance thru work).
I don’t see downside, other than cost to do it, of sitting down with financial planner that works with divorce to help you . Also be sure you understand the implications of who files for the divorce - it may seriously impact what you receive and is likely very dependent on your state. If you aren’t miserable and ok in same house, then agree that waiting until H wants out may be advantageous. But please take kids into consideration (may be easier on them for you to go your separate ways for awhile rather than only splitting after someone new in picture.)
You guys just talked me into it! I’m never getting married!!!
Another thing to consider is health insurance. And health care proxies and POAs.
I got a two bedroom apartment so my kids would have some place to come to – I live far from their colleges and current home bases. And they do come a lot, it is worth it. Because it sounds like you work from home, you could have the advantage of renting in a cheaper area. I have to live fairly centrally in my city because I need to work at various clients all over the metro area, but I could get a lot cheaper rent if I didn’t have to do that and could live further from downtown.
Several of my friends got divorced when their kids were in HS/college. One of them kept the house until both kids were off at college and then sold the house and moved out of HI, where she had other friends and relatives and got a new job and started fresh there.
Another friend decided to buy a very large house with 6 bedrooms (3 upstairs and 3 downstairs). She rents out the bottom story for college students and lives in the top story with her S and whichever of her grown kids visit. Her ex-H insisted on keeping their old family home and bought out her share because he felt that would have his kids visit him more often (but they actually spend most of their time with their mom).
Still another friend opted to buy a home by herself. Her FIL helped her fix it up and her kids lived with her most of the time and visited their dad periodically.
There are many ways to make things work, but it does take some hard work, re-thinking and flexibility. Good luck moving forward. I agree that getting a good handle on ALL the financial accounts and all assets and debt is a good start.
Just get a pre-nup.
@Lil Shortay–even if I was getting divorced tomorrow (and thankfully I’m not) I could never regret having my life and marriage and the joys of having my kids. I couldn’t imagine life otherwise.
Circumstances change that make life hard but fundamentals do not.