Hugs @Midwest67. I have a friend going through this now, at 70. He’s the one who wanted the divorce and it’s been hard. Fortunately her friends are including her in events. I find that even though people do things as couples here, it’s ok if one part of the couple attends or not. We have one friend that we golf with at least once a week and he participates in our couples potluck every week and I’ve never met his wife. She’s very shy and doesn’t wish to come but everyone is very welcoming to him.
I don’t see the friends I have abandoning our friend going through a divorce, in fact everyone seems to rally behind her.
Where I lived before, I had friends and my husband had friends but we didn’t have couple friends. I know there whenever someone separated from their husband, the other divorced woman went out of their way to help.
After surviving a second divorce that just became final at the end of November, I can attest to what @scmom12 suggested, that although everyone APPEARS to be playing nice, things change or become more transparent. I thought I was part of an amicable divorce both times (first was 1990 after one year of marriage, second 2017 after 4 years). Its funny how things change dramatically once you are no longer sharing living space, which in my case kept things civil. Maybe it was my cooking lol or the fact that I continued to show compassion? Once he moved out, it took an about-turn immediately and ferociously, truly within hours.
Continue to be friendly and honest but get your ducks in a row because I can nearly guarantee the other side is “taking care of business” on their end. Don’t be fooled thinking that after so many years they wouldn’t screw you over. All that takes is someone talking in their ear. We all like to think that the person you share a life with would want the best for everyone but their idea of best is sometimes far from reality.
Good luck to you, virtual hugs. And, I like your positivity. There’s a whole lotta good about being able to put yourself and your life first. And then there’s the downside but you seem to have a clear picture of that. Surround yourself with positive people and do the things you didn’t do before or things you’ve always wanted to try. Get used to being a fifth wheel sometimes, its really not that difficult. Hang with people who don’t only socialize in couples, those that get together in large groups instead.
Another thought since it seems close. If you don’t have one, open up your own checking account. Put your checks in that account. Only take out what you need for the joint monthly expenses. You’ll need a little nest egg if things go downhill.
“Another thought since it seems close. If you don’t have one, open up your own checking account. Put your checks in that account. Only take out what you need for the joint monthly expenses. You’ll need a little nest egg if things go downhill.”
Bad advice. Ask any divorce attorney, and they will say NO. It will make you look like you are doing sneaky things. Courts do not like this. Besides, in many states, any money earned during marriage is community or marital property, and that “nest egg” will be put back into the basket to be divided.
But… Open a credit card in your own name (if you do not plan to change it), just do not charge anything on it. Opening a credit card after initiation of divorce could be much harder.
Have your own money. I don’t care if you hide it in travellers checks, but CYA. Check who’s the primary on credit cards or whether these are truly joint. You don’t want to be one iota more responsible for “his” debt than legally required.
And the lawyer misleads in saying it’s simple. Did you by any chance make it seem cut and dried? You need to anticipate a retirement split, college expenses, a continued share of maintenance on the house for x years, if one stays or how to determine a buyout and the terms of payback, any special needs of D2 that could crop up, even post college. And much more. If you out earn, what if he asks for support?
Best thing bff did was insist. Granted, at the time they split, he earned 4x what she did, held the insurance, and her job was set to end. She got what she and the kids needed. She made him pay debts that were solely his, etc.
In contrast, after a very long, contentious divorce process, during which my SIL was independently declared an incompetent parent, my brother was left to pay back some monies she inherited and used for family expenses, and sell the house, give her a chunk of his profit, to cover that. And in that very community property state, CA.
Actively CYA. Later, you could give in on a few points, but only by starting from a position of strength.
It does sound sleazy, but I agree with the above about having your own money. Not talking about diverting thousands of dollars from community property, but having $500-$1000 in cash could make transitions more simple.
If you do get gifts from outside sources (like from parents or an inheritance), open a completely separate account for those in your own name. Don’t pay any joint bills right from that account, either (although if you desire to you may be okay transferring the money to another account, THEN paying the bill). You may want to investigate the laws in your own state if you have any sources of money like that. We had that situation; I was able to protect some money gifted by my dad to me in that way (could have protected quite a bit more if I’d started doing that earlier in my marriage).
Somemom, she “insisted” on things she and the boys needed. Eg, that child support continued to hs grad, not their 18th bdays, that he split college costs, not a minimum CC level, that she remain on his insurance, get alimony and her cell covered til the boys were 21, that he split major maintenance on the house for x years forward.
This is not OP’s exact circumstances, if she out-earns the husband. But my friend didn’t settle for the “simple” or common arrangements. I do think OP needs to consider that he could make demands of her.
“…my brother was left to pay back some monies she inherited and used for family expenses, and sell the house, give her a chunk of his profit, to cover that. And in that very community property state, CA.”
Inheritance money is separate property unless there is absolutely no way to trace it back after commingling. Plus, even in a community state it is up to the court to divide assets “equitably.”
I agree about a small cash stash. Plus that separate credit card as an emergency prep. But do listen to what the attorney has to say about your particular situation.
If you need a new coat or a new pair of hiking boots, buy them now with marital money rather than with your own money after the divorce. A close to 50% discount right there. This is what a divorce lawyer told my buddy.
No it’s good advice. I didn’t say anything about trying to hide it or be sneaky. And yes it will all be “pooled” and split in the end. So it really makes no difference from an asset point of view. But with a joint account the other side can clean you out without notice. Sure you can go to court and seek relief, but that takes time. In the mean time you’ll have bills to pay. You don’t need the stress of trying to scrape a few dollars together. As long as you don’t try to hide anything your fine.
Since there is no child custody issues, this will be a simple case in the end. Courts are pretty good at dividing up money. It’s the other emotional stuff they stink at.
My brother tells his boys the most important decision they will ever make is who they marry. He then told his nieces to make sure whoever they marry is promotable (at work). He is now trying to convince his boys to have a prenup before they get married. He is asking me if I could share D1’s prenup with him.
Can’t predict it will be simple. And certainly not on a forum where we know limited details.
Look, if things work out in OP’s favor, great. But you don’t want to be caught smacking your head. It helps more to know the A-Z of your options (and his) than go on the idea this will be amicable and easy. That’s all.
Here are some things I did before the divorce. Some were because of the possibility of divorce; some were because of shady things my ex did, which ended up being major factors in my decision to get the divorce. Their relevance to anyone else will depend on that person’s circumstances.
I set up a savings account in my name alone into which I deposited all gifts I received from my mom. (My dad had died several years earlier.) I tried to not spend any of the money; the one major exception was to make a gift to my sister when she was facing some unexpected medical expenses.
I have two credit cards in my own name.
I started doing the tax returns.
I changed my emergency contacts to people other than my spouse. (He doesn’t answer the phone!)
I located all financial records. If there had been a possibility that my spouse would have taken them, I would have made copies.
I began paying all my own expenses; I continued asking my spouse to split household and children’s expenses.
Once divorce became a possibility, I estimated how much of our (now-adult) children’s expenses I could cover, if necessary. I assumed my spouse would not contribute. The children are mainly self-supporting but I continue to assist with some health-care expenses.
I familiarized myself with the documents needed to file for divorce. Neither my husband nor I was represented in the divorce. My state makes it relatively simple for people to obtain divorces without representation, and I’m a lawyer and have some familiarity with the laws, so I felt comfortable not being represented.
I was scupulously honest and above board with my spouse during the divorce and hoped he would be in return but wasn’t surprised when he wasn’t.
“My brother tells his boys the most important decision they will ever make is who they marry. He then told his nieces to make sure whoever they marry is promotable (at work).”
Seems like old-fashioned and kind of sexist advice. I think who you choose as a life partner is an important decision for all genders. As far as being promotable, I know many who are happy regardless of their earnings including women who are/were the primary earners and had house husbands.
Just FWIW, when my sister was still on speaking terms with her parents (she’s cut off all 4 of them), we had no problem all coming together for holidays, birthdays, etc. If the parents act like adults they should be able to navigate for the sake of their children.
Of course, not all parents will act like adults. I do know quite a few people whose parents divorced while they were in college. They realized that the kids were the only thing holding them together. All except one that I can think of made the holidays easy on the adult children by choosing to celebrate in one location.
Midwest, I am in a very similar situation. I had planned to leave in August of this year but in order to leave him I need to leave the churches I serve as pastor because it would be easiest to move to a different denominational jurisdiction. And leaving would free me to start a residency program that only begins in August.
But my church begged for one more year (they will close when I leave) and husband was told he has cancer (applications for residency due same day as his biopsy) so leaving is pushed back for a year. My daughters would be very upset if I walked out now.
Husband is unaware of this. We rarely speak to each other. He would make my life hell if he knew I wanted out even though we make each other miserable now.
What I am doing in the meantime is preparing for for the separation.
Until now we have filed joint returns and made quarterly estimates. My church treasurer has agreed to do tax withholding for me this year since filing separate returns will be easier if estimated payments aren’t pooled together. I have a credit card in my own name to build up my credit rating (my rating was destroyed when we filed for bankruptcy after he was fired for the third time). I insisted he get one in his own name for extensive dental work so I don’t share the debt (his rating is good thanks to ten years payment on co-signed student loans and a car loan co-sign with our kid). I have a secret bank account and am squirreling funds as I am able (moonlighting more hours than I tell him). He gives me less than half his net income toward joint expenses and I pay far more than he does -this is being well documented of course.
I’m on a massive decluttering spree. I’m optimistic that one more year of mortgage payments is a good thing- we aren’t under water per se but the house needs some big repairs that I can’t afford. - it will need to be sold as is to a flipper and one more year guarantees that they can do repairs and still make a profit.
Although I’m ridiculously busy I volunteer as a chaplain at a local hospital to keep on focus and will get a good letter of recommendation when I apply for the residency programs next year.
My therapist seems to find a way to remind me at every session that I am leaving - I think she wants me out more than I do!
The only thing I anticipate fighting over is his pension. The joy of being broke - no assets to divvy up. I feel like I deserve a chunk of the pension because I had quit my job the first two times he was fired and relocated. That ended up with my having to take small part time churches who were grateful to get someone but couldn’t pay much. Eventually I was typecast and not equipped to serve larger congregations. He will blow a fit but I’ve askes our pensions board and it is legal for me to claim half and force him to set it up as a survivor benefit account.
To be promotable does not necessary mean to be a high earner. It is stressful to be living with someone who is constantly finding themselves and not able to keep a job. Just because someone is a great student does not necessary he/she can be productive at work. That is why my brother said to wait for few years out of school to see how the other person does in real life before making that commitment.
This is what a divorce lawyer told my buddy.
He is now trying to convince his boys to have a prenup before they get married. He is asking me if I could share D1’s prenup with him.