@KKmama’s post reminds me that another thing I did as a result of my spouse’s job situation (getting fired twice, being unemployed for several years between jobs) was to add hours at my regular job and add freelance work to the mix. It was a long process; for example, I had to wait for more hours to open at my regular job. But being a dedicated employee and being willing to take jobs when they came my way helped my personal financial situation a great deal.
I can’t remember for sure, but I don’t think our state would have allowed me to negotiate away my portion of ex-H’s pension and the survivor option. So he retired at 62 (so we lost our family healthcare through his work), but I started getting a slice of his pension (at age 51) and will for the rest of my life. It about covered the healthcare, and more than does so now that D2 has healthcare thru her doctorate program (yay!). So you may or may not have to fight for that, @KKmama.
HUGS , I have not read all the thread yet (I will),
My sister is going through this too. Married 20 years, has been stay at home mom, 3 kids 11th, 9th and 6th grades. He is taking money out of retirement and sending it to his parents for safe keeping from her and hiding cash from his paychecks in a safe. Sister starts RN school this month. She is trying to stay while in RN school.
BingeWatcher,
Your sister needs a forensic to look at the money situation. If cash in doesn’t equal cash out a good lawyer and judge will want an explanation.
I have a friend who is a Forensic Accountant, and she is very good at her job. She delights in following the trails and rooting out the monies that were supposedly hidden. Sometimes the person gets away with it, of course, but she has a pretty good success rate.
@romanigypsyeyes said
Well…I guess I’m not an adult. I detest my ex-H and if anything detest his spouse (my former friend) more. And I’ve been divorced a LONG time. You don’t know what went on in a marriage, so don’t judge people who avoid their ex-spouses. (BTW, my offspring get along okay with both parents. )
Hugs to the OP. Divorce is hard.
One thing nobody seems to have mentioned…do you have any joint accounts–savings, brokerage, etc.? If you do, ask a lawyer what you should do. As long as they are joint, either spouse can clean them out at any time. You don’t have to close them–at least when I got divorced you didn’t have to–but you do have to give written notice to the institution that your H can no longer make withdrawals without specific authorization from you. The fact that OP is CFO doesn’t stop her H from withdrawing 90% of what’s in the account by the simple expedient of writing a check to himself or a third party. And if he has a power of attorney over any of your accounts or a health care proxy or a durable power of attorney, etc. revoke it.
I can’t give the OP any advice re the house except to check out how divorce would affect the sales proceeds and their tax consequences. I assume that you could deduct the loss of the sale of your home, but that loss might be more beneficial to one spouse than the other, which MIGHT affect whether it’s better to sell pre or post divorce. I’m not sure, but find out. I know it makes a BIG tax difference when a house is sold at a hefty profit.
You can’t take a spouse off an IRA without his consent. I think most pension plans work the same. On the flip side, most companies won’t let you keep an ex on medical insurance. One of my neighbors agreed to give her H the divorce he wanted if he waited until she was 65 and got Medicare. His girlfriend, now wife, wasn’t happy about the delay, but when she figured out how much it would cost for an individual plan plus all deductibles for a few years, she agreed it made sense.
Emotionally, it sounds as if you’ve been living separate lives for a while, so that should make it easier. However, do try to build your new life. One thing I found shocking was how many of “our” couple friends continued to socialize with him and his girlfriend, even involving the kids. But I have a good friend who was the “leaver” and she says that it tends to be the one who “couples up” first who gets included in the existing couples network. So begin to build a network of single friends.
Good luck!
A bit off topic, but relating to acting like “adults.” My former step father’s ex was a miserable person for all the years he was married to my mother. Certainly had to do with “woman scorned” and the status of the young kids. Fast forward to when they got divorced, the ex became a totally different person. She was friendly. Mother and her kind of had the “ex wives” club going. She was even invited to our wedding – so she got to hang with her kids (my step brothers) who came from out of town. Was a very interesting change.
@oldfort Sexist much? Personally, I married a wonderful man not promotable and worked part time but kind, considerate, and a great dad while I worked. Happy to be empty nesters together. He is doing quite well on his job and I’m able to cut back a bit. Hopefully the younger generation will give that advice the respect it deserves.
Yup. Off topic.
Many of the suggestion on getting a credit card in your name only or knowing the tax situation should be done by EVERY person, not just those who are getting divorced or preparing for divorce. Everyone should have at least one credit card in his/her name only. Use it once or twice a year, pay it off that month, and store it for 6 months or so. It will help you build credit. Have your own bank account and deposit $10 or $20 a month into it. Now what your house is worth and know how to do taxes.
I can’t imagine not having my own accounts. I can’t imagine not knowing my retirement accounts, my taxes, my loans.
So he was promotable and that’s why you were able to cut back on work.
I got my first credit card in 1985. I had been working full time for a few years but knew I would be taking time off from work to attend graduate school and that I would be getting married soon. I’ve had the credit card since and while it’s not my primary card, it’s great to have had one for a long time.
OP here. Thank you, CCers.
Hugs, Midwest.