<p>I am a male, in my 60’s and my kids are graduating from colleges.
I am looking for advice from the wise parents of CC as I don’t know what to expect in a separation and divorce situation as this is my first and only. We are married for 24 years and I have not expected that it will be ending like this, but it happens, or might happen. Needless to say I am devastated and therefore I am using the screen name “cryingoutloud” literally.
Let me go back to describe my marriage and my kids. I know this is one side of the story, but I will try to keep it in more objective manner and try to narrate only facts.
Both of us are immigrants, from the same origin.
I married my current wife in a “love with first sight” situation, we did not have a long term relationship before get married, therefore there was no though understanding of each other’s before tided the knots. We were separated by 3000 miles, she was in the West and I was in the East. Although the relationship lasted for about a year, we did not see each other very often. After the marriage, she moved to the East to live with me. At the time she had thoughts to move to Midwest because she found a job there, but because I have a house and higher salary, we decided to settle in the East.</p>
<p>As soon as we got married, we had our first child. After that, I found her mentally unstable, let me explain:
She is a very intelligent person. highly educated, but for every little differences in opinion, she always wanted to be on top of the argument and if I raise my voice, she called me abusing her. For the last 20+ years, she has been like that. At once, 20+ years ago, when the kids were young, we had a small argument, it was my comment on her decoration made her mad. She took off the next day with the children and flew all the way to West Coast to stay with her sister. I was devastated, I begged her to come back and after few weeks, she did. Now, during her stay with her sister, she had an argument with her sister and had to move out to my parents who were living near my wife’s sister. My parents, of course, welcomed their DIL and grand children, but had forewarned me the mental situation of my “new” wife because they too found her temperament. And perhaps because of her temperament, she had not been able to advance in her professional carrier. She stayed as a senior technician for her 25 years of professional life.
This kind of situation has been going on ever since, but she had never moved out again. At times we don’t have an argument, we are happy family. But, even if we have a small difference, she will not speak to me and called me yelling for days at a time. I do admit that I raised my voice often, but I did not have an evil intent nor I have been physical, we just have an argument which happens all the time among H&W.
Mom had commented that my wife will be critical for people closed to her, yet very generous to others who are unrelated. Almost 20 years ago, my wife and my mom had a big argument on childbearing, my wife has not forgiven my mom and rarely talk to her unless it is in a family gathering situation.
Our major differences have been our life style and hobby. I am heavily involved in a sport that requires travel, most times the whole weekend and few times in a year, I travel week at a time. All told, it is about 30 days away from home per year. Prior to our marriage, she joined me on every trip and seemed enjoying the sport. She also can play in the sport pretty good. However, the tune changed drastically after our marriage. She became resistant to join me, if at all. in the name of raising the children.
About 7 years ago, we had a big argument for something trivial; she kicked me out of the bed room and reduced the interaction between us to a minimal for more than 6 month. I had to stay in the guest bed room on a single bed. At the time, even I had an emergency and needed someone to take me to the hospital, she was complaining about driving me to the emergency because I told her, in pain, that she made a wrong turn. After my returning from the hospital, we had a serious talk about the relationship; we have decided to keep our marriage going.
We had a few happy years since, we bought a new house together, our kids were happy to get accepted by Ivy class of schools, we worked hard for the tuition. The whole experiences have been rewarding. But my wife still cannot get over my sporting hobby and sometimes my raising the voice in an argument. Every time, in front of friends, whether they are first acquaintance or old life friend, she always criticizes my hobby and my travel. In the meantime, as empty nesters, my wife had developed her own hobby: She started dance exercise in gyms and travel the world as tourist. I cannot do dance exercise so I did not join her and because my work, I can only join her on world travel when I am able. She decided to travel on her own with or without me, in times; I only learned her trip after her booking.
Fast forward to April this year, my wife made an arrangement earlier to travel with her high school friend without my knowledge to South America. And the week before her departure, I had a fall and broke my hip. Three days later, I had an operation and was recovering, regardless; she took off and left me with my mom. Ever since her returning from the trip, her attitude towards me took a turn to the worse, this time she moved out of the bedroom complaining my snoring(which I have done for my whole life) and took up the gym exercise more seriously, 4 days of the week she does not come home until 9 or 11pm. On the weekends, unless we have prior arrangements, she will take off and never tell me where she went. July 4th weekend, she took off 6am in the morning and did not come home, I almost called missing person bureau, after I spoke to her sister, her sister told me that she went to Las Vegas for a conference, which I think it is bogus, because I checked the LV convention schedule and there was none to her trade.
Now she is telling me that she is going to South America again for 12 days Christmas Vacation, with a “friend”. I found out that she has been talking to a male on the other side of the country every day for 1 hour at a time. Few days ago, I told her I want out. During the discussion, she revealed that her parents did not even condole her behavior. </p>
<p>I am devastated, needless to say. Twenty some years of work has went down the drain, even though there is no child support involved, we still have assets to settle and that is pretty stressful to me.
Questions:
- Is this marriage worth saving?(I think your conclusion will be the same as mine)
- Since it is my first time, I don’t know what to do, where to go to. I know I can get a lawyer, but is it worth the expense? Should I fight for my rights? We are in a community state.
- I am the trustee of my mom, as she is not able to handle her financials. Her deposit box is under my name and there are valuables in it. How can I handle this? Of course, I am the trustee of her assets that should not be a part. Nevertheless, if she die during our settlement, how to exclude my wife from the estate.</p>
<ol>
<li>We are still living in the same house, should I move out.</li>
<li>My medical insurance is using my wife’s what should I do. I have some pre-existing conditions and the medication is pretty expensive even though it is only one pill per day.</li>
</ol>
<p>Ideas?</p>