<p>just wondering, does anyone know of a site such as CC that is good for divorce support?</p>
<p>If you dont get an answer here, try yahoo answers. There have been a couple of times that I was mystified about something and asked via yahoo answers and sure enough, someone had the information I needed and couldn’t find no matter how hard I had searched.</p>
<p>I know a site that is a lot like college confidential that supports people whose spouses are in prison… But I digress.</p>
<p>thanks, I’ll try that.</p>
<p>You can also ask a divorce question in the Parents Cafe here. Lots of knowledgeable people frequent that area of CC.</p>
<p>And we’re excellent listeners.</p>
<p>When you are going through a divorce it is essential that you (1) eat properly (2) get a full night’s sleep (avoid naps), and (3) get counseling. And I don’t mean counseling from your neighbors friends and family. I mean counseling from someone who is trained as a counselor. This is especially true for males.</p>
<p>I’ve heard that the group “Parents without Partners” can be helpful.</p>
<p>"Welcome to Parents Without Partners (PWP)…
Where New Friendships Begin</p>
<p>The challenges are many in bringing up our children alone, and even greater while contending with the emotional conflicts that accompany divorce, separation, widowhood, or never being married.</p>
<p>PWP is an international non-profit organization that provides real help to its members by the way of discussions, professional speakers, and social activities for families and adults.</p>
<p>Through the exchange of ideas and companionship, we hope to further the common welfare and the well-being of our children.</p>
<p>All Single Parents are welcome."</p>
<p>[Parents</a> Without Partners](<a href=“http://www.pwpco.org/default.aspx]Parents”>http://www.pwpco.org/default.aspx)</p>
<p>Thanks everyone. This is so hard. I can’t eat, sleep, etc. It seems so unfair, yet so trivial compared to what some people endure on a daily basis.</p>
<p>Your feelings are not trivial. Sleep is very, very important, and lack of sleep can make anything worse, especially when combined with poor eating. Have you thought about talking to your doctor? You can think about trying meditation or relaxation tapes to help you sleep or level your mood. (We used relaxation tapes in swim training when I was young, and I remember thinking they were incredible.) If you’re religious, you may comfort or tranquility in church or religion. Strenuous exercise can help you relax, focus on yourself, and tire yourself out to sleep. Are you or would you like to be active in music, art, or performance? Artistic expression helps many people handle their emotions in healthy and satisfying ways. You could also keep busy by devoting your time and talents to a community organization. Do you feel anxious? Are you in or have you thought about beginning therapy? You should of course avoid alcohol, drugs, and excess caffeine.</p>
<p>Marnik, the loss of a relationship is a LOSS. You will need to allow yourself to go through the grieving process, just as you would with any other loss.</p>
<p>My best to you as you deal with this.</p>
<p>So sorry you are going through this. I am in the middle of a messy divorce and I searched for an online divorce support group. I must say I have received the best advice from CC. This site has so many knowledgable, caring, supportive members. Good luck and do remember to take care of you.</p>
<p>marnik, my best to you too. Things will take time but I promise it will get better…I know, I was there. It’s very very hard, and kelsmom is right, you need to allow yourself to grieve and to go through the range of emotions. I also recommend talking things out with a counselor with regular appointments, and exercise…even if just walking daily, making a routine of it. If you feel anxious or overwhelmed, seeking some support here if you are comfortable with that, can take the edge of things a bit too. I believe many churches have divorce support groups, open to anyone even if not a member or religious. That may be another option as you could meet others in the same situation.</p>
<p>But how do you pay for these things? I do not work, although I’m sure I will have to start soon.</p>
<p>Marnik,
Been there, done that, which I believe allows me to give you this advice:<br>
eat, sleep, and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. First and foremost. I was as sick as I have ever been, I mean physically ill, during my divorce,and it was because I didn’t do any of those things. You will have many rough days to get through and you cannot possibly do that without your health. Eat chicken soup if that’s all you can get down, take a walk every night after dinner, allow yourself to grieve and feel the loss. Read a book. Listen to your attorney, not your mother or your girlfriend (or even CC!!) in regards to the legal issues. There are many decisions to make and you are paying them for their advice and experience. Let your children help you but do not get them involved in the issues, it is not their divorce and they do not need to know details. They will see your grief and will want to take care of you, so let them, carefully. </p>
<p>A few weeks after my separation, when all this was so raw and painful for me, a casual friend saw my distress and told me this: Give yourself three years to completely heal and rebound, financially and emotionally. At the time I though that was forever, and I thought that it was impossible to ever rebound. But you know what? Almost three years TO THE DAY, I was in a good place, I could pay my bills and even buy a few extras, I was happy, I felt great, and the ME, the I, was more ME than ever.</p>
<p>You will get through this. One day at a time.</p>
<p>I’m going to quibble just a bit with this advice: "Listen to your attorney, not your mother or your girlfriend (or even CC!!) in regards to the legal issues. "</p>
<p>Yes, listen to the attorney, weigh it carefully, and make sure you understand it, but stay in control of the process. My now-ex listened to his attorney, who was billing him by the hour, of course, and let his attorney control the process. Now-ex didn’t really understand what was going on. I had to sit him down with piles of financial papers and say, “Okay, look! This is what’s there; now compare this to what your attorney is charging you.” It turned out my ex would have been better off taking the agreement I had initialled offered.</p>
<p>And yes, you will get through this!</p>
<p>hang in there…my best friend was heartbroken only 24 mths ago, lost 20 pounds, cried till her cell phone went dead several times talking to me. She is now in love with someone tons more suitable and has recovered physically and emotionally, and everyone has “regrouped” and is moving forward. </p>
<p>Please know that whatever loss you are suffering through is a passage with another phase of your life ahead after you get through this difficult, painful and upsetting season. Try to think while you are going through this…if my son or daughter also suffers a significant loss/failure in a future primary relationship (very likely!)…what would I want them to do re the support they would need, and what example can I set here and now in terms of getting through a very significant painful event?
As an adult now whose parents separated when I was in college (not uncommon!)…please assure your young adult/teens that you are seeing both a lawyer to look after fairness and your best interests…and a therapist to look after any possible reactive depression and to say things straight to you that children and pals sometimes will not dare to say…and tell them that you will figure things out and get through this given a decent amount of time. Young adult children grasp far more than you may realize, and they worry a lot about their parents even when all the actual factors are entirely out of their hands and control. This is not their relationship loss, it is yours, so make sure to set boundaries and to use a therapist to help you reassure your children. Young adult children need to know you are going to survive and adapt given a decent amount of time to absorb this huge change in your life. If you have teens, let them know you are talking to someone whose only interest is helping you sort this out.<br>
I would love to have about two years of my life back when I experienced a great deal of distress and fretted constantly about both of my parents…I could not see what was ahead in terms of their future recovery and new happier chapters in life ahead for each of them.
You don’t have to have the answers or be “recovered” now or quickly…you need time to experience the loss and to feel what you feel. Find a therapist and a group/online chat where you can vent and express and think your way through this. You are worth it and you deserve to truly take care of yourself…and while doing so, will set an example. Life is tough and our kids have many more personal hurdles ahead (I guess getting them college educated is simple compared to life) that we can’t anticipate, and they are also likely to experience personal relationship turbulence at times. I wish you all the best.</p>
<p>If you are the least bit religious, seek out help from your faith community. I went to a faith based support group when my marriage fell apart. It was helpful to meet others going through the same thing. These groups are usually free or very low cost. </p>
<p>There was one woman who belonged who could have been a stand-up comic. Our situations were similar. She would vent the feelings I had–except that she had the gift of being able to see the funny sides of things. I was in so much pain, but she made me laugh. </p>
<p>This wasn’t therapy, as such. It just helped though to meet people who were experiencing the same things. No matter how much family and friends try to help, few have had the same experiences. It really does help to talk to people going through the same thing. At least that was my own experience.</p>
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<p>“Friends” can be lethal to this process. I (an attorney who used an attorney in my divorce 18 years ago) agree that you need to get and consider what your attorney suggests, but you need to make your decisions since the attorney does not have to live with the decisions you make. Also, there truly is a financial cost-benefit analysis to the degree of the attorneys’ (yours and his) involvment.</p>
<p>I note that you got married at age 22 and have been married for 33 years. We married at 21 (my ex) and 23 (me). If you haven’t been in professional counseling, I strongly suggest you start. AND, if your husband is agreeable, he needs to do the same.</p>
<p>Dealing with the anger will help both of you make better decisions regarding (1) your child in college and (2) financial issues. Groups (like from religious bodies) help some, but with 33 years of marriage, the grief, fear and anger is going to be substantial.</p>
<p>You previously posted that you did not know if your marriage would survive the “empty nest.” If there isn’t any abuse involved, I suggest you try to get your husband to agree to work to see if the marriage is truly “over.”</p>
<p>My heart goes out to your freshman child. You and your husband need to see that this student doesn’t go off the deep-end and gets the necessary counseling/support.</p>
<p>I think I am resolved to the fact that this marriage is over. I have an enormous amount of grief/anger going on right now. However, my biggest and foremost concern is how to tell my kids. Two, both freshmen in college, are adjusting to their new surroundings, responsibilities, etc. I don’t want to to complicate their life this early in the transition to college. My husband thinks it’s no big deal for them, but thinks they don’t need to be told right now. I can’t think of any good time. When they come home for T-Day and have to choose where to spend their time? Right before going back to school? I am heartbroken for them. I never ever had to deal with something like this as a child/young adult.</p>
<p>Although it is hard at 18/19 to accept the loss of your parents as a couple and as a foundation, in my experience, having been in their shoes (as are a score of college freshman in every college, believe me), your young adult children WILL cope and WILL confide in you and turn to you for support ONLY if you appear to be getting appropriate help for yourself. </p>
<p>You can’t expect to be in some Zen future state so soon, some integrated, strong condition right now, but you must at least demonstrate to your children that while you are in the midst of dealing with the worst of this blow to your personal life, you are being constructive and forward thinking and that you have experienced counselor/pastoral care/adults to vent to and to hear you out. This alleviates them from much worry, believe me.<br>
Older teens are also rather narcissistic, and still are basically looking for parents who can be sounding boards and who can hear out their age appropriate life issues and challenges, and who can offer them some security.</p>
<p>As a parent, I know that divorce is not something any of us want our children to have to go through…but with the divorce rate the way it is…it is not that stigmatized for them or a rare painful life experience at all.</p>
<p>A twenty year old simply cannot take on the angst of a forty year old or comprehend how we are feeling and what our age appropriate life tasks are, and as a mother I am sure you are like all of us and want to spare your children pain of any kind.<br>
Coping with parental divorce doesn’t have to be all negative in the long run. Eventually, you might raise young adults who understand how to get through deep hurt and disappointment in life themselves and who are wise and compassionate and have realistic expectations of others.
If you receive counseling for your present quite normal grief and anger, then you grant them permission to make such an apt with the college counselors on staff that are there for this very reason. If you can sort out your emotions and name them, and begin to problem-solve, you will have adult children who might even dare to tell you the truth about their own feelings and losses, but only if you do not appear to be too fragile or lost in your own personal struggle will you find that your children will share with you how they are really feeling. In fact, they might be better off initially themselves if you invite them to see their campus counselor where they can truly vent without fear of hurting your feelings or burdening you at this time. </p>
<p>Divorce is a big deal and everyone’s feelings are very raw, I know. In my family, my parents were so caught up with their own personal confusion, that they basically lost track of their 2 young adult children for a spell and were no longer the adults we turned to for support. If either of my parents had been seeing a professional counselor, I think I would not have distanced myself from them, and would have felt I had permission to speak sometimes about how the divorce affected me. As it was, I felt that both of them were too fragile, and neither of them every spent more than an hour with a professional counselor.
A year of counseling did me a world of good during this time, and I was only sorting out the end of their relationship myself.
I think you might get in four sessions with a therapist before Thanksgiving and then you will know what to do. They might be told over that holiday…AFTER you and your husband have made plans for how to split up the first winter break with them. Present them with a plan and encourage them to use the campus counseling service right away…such a common theme and the counselors are well equipped for this challenge.</p>