<p>Thanksgiving breaK would be bad timing IMHO. They return to a week or two of classes followed by final examinations. It is the roughest time of the semester. I’m sure they will sense something is wrong before that. Honesty is a good policy with teenagers. I struggled with this decision too and when I told them, they were upset, but not shocked.</p>
<p>My daughters reacted by not telling any of their friends initially. Guess they needed to deal with it themselves before announcing it to the world. They also have very different ways of dealing with it. The older one wants to talk about it while the younger one gets angry if I try to discuss it.</p>
<p>Keep your chin up. One day you will look back and know what the bigger plan is for your future. This is what keeps me going. A friend bought me a copy of The Secret, You should read it.</p>
<p>I was a college freshman, 1000 miles away, when Dad called to tell me about the divorce. It was and still is hard, but I coped. It was really hard for my mom after 20 years of marriage. She just kept going, one day at a time. Now she’s happier than she’s ever been. Five years after the divorce, on her 50th birthday, she married the most wonderful man ever, my step-father. She met him when her car broke down…long story! They’ve been happy for for 26 years. </p>
<p>Take care of yourself. Take one day at a time. Be good to yourself. Do you like to take walks outside? Is there a beautiful park near you? We here at CC are here for you, and will be checking in on this thread to see how you are doing. Please keep us posted.</p>
<p>I’ve not been down the divorce road as a parent or a child, but can share with you the experience of my husband. His parents separated soon after his HS graduation. To this day he says he was relieved it was finally over. Of course he was sad, but he also knew for a long time that his parents marriage wasn’t working. It was not a surprise really. Is it possible your children may have similar experience? No need to discuss the reasons for the divorce but offered up as food for thought.</p>
<p>Yes, I think my kids probably have felt the tension. I would never give reasons, just reassurance, that for them, nothing much will change. Over the summer, I lived with them in our summer home, husband would come for weekends. Now, looking back, I see why he encouraged this. However, my kids were used to this arrangement. It’s just the finality of it. Do kids this age still hope their parents will get back together (not until hell freezes over)?</p>
<p>Do kids this age still hope their parents will get back together (not until hell freezes over)?
every situation must be unique…which reminds me of the first sentence in Anna Karenina. That novel is such a true mirror of life with so many of the characters seeking love for themselves with success and failure both…there are many couples in Tolstoy’s eyes…and he was struggling with his own issues on the subject of marriage.
In my experience, the “brokenness” was not about the divorce which was a great relief on some levels, although we took some time feeling our way awkwardly through visiting our parents in separate homes and extricating ourselves from that relationship history…only natural to have a hard time really letting go, and as kids we still were caught up in our parents as a couple in our minds for a good while past the divorce. The real “brokenness” was about being children of a relationship that just didn’t work, and the real negative was when we were all in sort of in a trapped situation, repeating the same negative things over and over. </p>
<p>To my surprise in my later 20s, I saw both parents with different people, and realized that my parents were not made of stone and tragic figures, and were instead clay, and people who were also changing and growing and in fact quite capable of being happy, light hearted and inspiring the love of another significant other.</p>
<p>A close friend of mine went through a messy, prolonged divorce several years ago. They had been married for over 20 years and she had never worked outside the home. She ended up going back to school when she was 50, got her masters, and is now working. She was very anxious about absolutely EVERYTHING, understandably, but kept putting one foot in front of the other. Now she is thriving and derives a lot of satisfaction from her job, something she had never experienced before.</p>
<p>I had absolute faith in her, that she would pull through, even though she did fall apart at times. Even though I couldn’t really know what it felt like on a gut level (it must be one of those things, like parenting, that you have no idea what it’s really like unless you go through it yourself), I wanted to be there for her. So, Marnik, don’t hesitate to reach out – your friends (and this wonderful CC community) will be there for you.</p>
<p>Mark my words, if you keep a positive outlook your life will become better than ever. Those first months are very hard, it’s normal just to wish life had stayed the same even when you know deep down the marriage wasn’t working. In my experience being strong and positive and moving on with strength makes the kids OK with the situation. Seeing you emerge happy and successful will make them understand that stuff happens and lives change and evolve. </p>
<p>We all wish marriages were forever but most are not. Keep your thoughts firmly on your happy future. Getting to reinvent yourself and having a clean slate can be a wonderful gift if you make it such. You get to choose a new partner with sage maturity and the second time can be the charm!</p>
<p>In my case, the kids were aware of their father’s personal problems and I came to understand they wished I’d gotten everyone out sooner. Though it took some time, they have come to love my new partner. Three years ago the pain seemed insurmountable, today I can’t imagine my life not have taken the positive path it has. I’ll say a prayer for you. Strength and courage coming at you!</p>
<p>Thanks all. My night has been mostly sleepless, while I know my husband slept fine. I know that he is at work, functioning with a clear head, getting the life he wanted. I don’t even know where mine is headed. I wish I had done this years ago, so I still had my kids with me for hugs and laughs. I miss them so much.</p>
<p>This is easy for me to say and hard to do I know, but you don’t need your kids to hug and laugh with because you have you and your future and lots of doors and windows letting in light and opportunities so get dressed and go to the mall or starbucks or a local nursing home and talk to a lonely senior and be proactive about starting this new chapter of your life. Forget about your husband being happy at work. These are negative thoughts and you don’t have time for them. You are a wonderful capable strong woman who has greatness inside of you so get out and share your postive self with the world. The world needs you.</p>
No, you don’t know that. You think that. You don’t know that he’s not questioning and wondering and discovering that the grass isn’t always greener. How many times to we read of husbands who want to “come back home”?</p>
<p>Imagine instead that he now believes he’s a ladykiller, but finds that reality hasn’t changed - he’s still a middle-aged man with grown children who, despite being single, isn’t really that attractive to the young girls he’s eyed all these years. Imagine him lonely. </p>
<p>Then imagine yourself becoming the kind of woman who looks back at him and says, “What was I thinking?” Then go and become her.</p>
<p>Thanks for your thoughts. I find myself just waiting to hear them. Jobs I’m looking at are offering 1/3 of what I could be making had I stayed a working mom. But you know what? I would not trade those years for anything. I find it hard to do that image stuff, b/c I have the phone bills that show that he has been calling his lady friend sometimes 5 times a day! But, it’s ‘just a friendship’. Nothing more. He called her on my birthday, anniversary, graduation day, my son’s b-day…every important day on my calendar.</p>
<p>I suggest that you focus on the kids of you and your husband. Although now of college age, over the years they are going to still need the support, guidance, help and reassuance of their parents. </p>
<p>Also, normally you can expect that there will be weddings and grandchildren. Viewed from what is “best” for your kids, you and their father will be part of this. </p>
<p>How can one going through a divorce (it looks that you ARE going to get divorced) best get to the point where the parents (you and your future Ex) can ideally work together (or coordinate) the continued parental support and involvment, or at least not work at cross purposes? It surely isn’t dwelling on the unfairness of it all and the real (or imagined) betrayal of the soon to be ex.</p>
<p>Assuming the worst (that he is the heal that you imagine), do you want to continue to be married to him? If not, give the phone bills to your lawyer and, as Cheva and others suggest, start working on the rest of your life. That is what you would have to do if your husband had dropped dead and there was no “betrayal.”</p>
How about turning off his phone, if it’s still on your bill? Or forwarding his phone bill to him? Don’t pay his phone bill anymore! (And you can imagine that he calls her 5 times a day because she doesn’t answer/hangs up on him!)</p>
<p>I went through this five years ago (separated in September '03, divorce finalized in '04). I know it’s hard when you’re in the middle of the murk that you’ll ever get out and feel good again - but you will. Make sure you have a good lawyer who helps you focus on what you need to do to get on your own two feet again.</p>
<p>The calls are not imagined…some are 20 minutes. She and he fessed up. He pays all bills. I am unemployed. It’s only been 2 days. I will move on. I have put out 3 job apps, and will hopefully get a PO Box tomorrow. Tried today, but I don’t have anything to prove my residency. I am staying in our summer home. I found the cable installation slip, I hope they will accept that.</p>
<p>I’ve come to this thread 3+ times, and each time I want to offer words of encouragement, but feel somewhat at a loss. I’ve been amicably divorced for 14+ years, and still a part of me mourns the loss. There is still part of me that aches with promises not kept or keepable. It is absolutely the case that this was the best thing for our family, and both my ex- and I are much happier and our children turned out just fine. </p>
<p>So, here are my thoughts (which I hope will be helpful).</p>
<ol>
<li>As you go through this process, keep in mind that this is someone that you loved at one time. </li>
<li>Unless there is concern for him skipping out on the family; take your time to resolve the legal matters (we greatly benefited from living apart for 3 years before we finalized the legal pieces)</li>
<li>Be sure your agreement includes college costs. </li>
<li>Consider using a divorce mediator.</li>
<li>Whatever professional you use, think first about what aspects of this are important to you, and what aren’t so important to you.</li>
<li>Don’t put your children between yourself and him. They love and need both of you in their lives.</li>
<li>Treat yourself kindly.</li>
</ol>
<p>Horray for you for putting out 3 job apps. That is a great step towards your recovery. You have it in you to get through this. We’re rooting for you.</p>
<p>Have you retained an attorney? I am a SAHM with a 25 year marriage and my attorney advised against getting a job right away, because then it is more difficult to get money for education for yourself.</p>
<p>Don’t waste energy thinking about his phone calls. Statistics say they will break up anyway! Mine did.</p>
<p>Hope you’re doing well. The pain of feeling cheated on almost killed a good friend when she first discovered it, but a year later the dog begs her to come back. Affairs can become far less compelling when the people in them are actually available, I must have seen this dozens of times from my perch as one of the few women in a male dominated industry. My favorite part is when the cheaters wake up and realize they can’t trust each other because they know the other is a cheater!! Stay strong.</p>