<p>This thread has been re-posted. I was advised to do so by the HSL’ers. </p>
<p>Keep in mind I live with both parents regularly.</p>
<p>My parents got divorced when I was 8ish. Ever since, my dad has hated my mom. Or it seems that he hates her.</p>
<p>Now that we have that said. I have a congenital chest defect. It heavily impairs my function. My mom has been wanting me to get a corrective surgery. My dad has fought her the whole way, and finally, we have a date scheduled (May the 27th). They went to court today and my dad ended up getting my mom to pay TONS of court fees and attorney’s fees. She was heavily upset about that, but still happy about the surgery.</p>
<p>All of a sudden, my dad wants to be more involved. Meaning he wants to care for me somewhat after my surgery. My mom
had planned on taking care of me the whole time, and now she feels as if he is taking me away from her. I am regularly with my father as is with the custody agreement. He now just said to my mom that she has to pay for a flight back with him. Ontop of all the other things she has to pay for. She is in the other room crying right now, and I don’t know what to do. My step dad is with her.</p>
<p>I know I missed some details. I will fill them in as I see they are missing. For example, I am seventeen years old.</p>
<p>Tough position you are in. Do you mean you have a heart surgery?
I think it is expected that your mom is having a tough time with your dad’s change of heart- particularly as all the court wouldn’t have been needed if he had been more supportive originally.</p>
<p>I think it is good that your dad wants to be more involved and I am sure you are looking forward to spending more time with him- however- since he sounds from your description to be getting your mother to financially cover things that wouldn’t have been necessary if he had been more reasonable-I completely understand her POV as well.</p>
<p>Is there a mediator that could be involved or an otherwise neutral third party?</p>
<p>Where are you having the surgery?For your recuperation, I would lean toward you being in the home where you feel most comfortable most of the time- regardless of what your parents want. you are almost an adult and your input is important- this is a good chance to learn more about your health care.
I would not recommend ( unless two drs agree) to have surgery and then recuperate somewhere else.</p>
<p>I think you could also ask your dr for support in presenting to your parents what you want to do.
Keep us posted.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you feel stuck in the middle here… or at least it appears that you do as you are a young person trying to mediate an agreement for your two adult guardians.</p>
<p>Without prying too much, knowing what type of surgery, or at least the type of recovery you will require would be helpful.</p>
<p>S2 had a surgerical repair for a congenital chest defect (connective tissue disorder), December 08. He was hospitalized for a week. Once home his care was very involved, round the clock, constant monitoring. It was a month before he slept through the night without a parent in the room. Constant knowledge of his symptoms, medications, restrictions, etc., was vital to monitor for changes in case we needed to contact his surgeon.</p>
<p>I’m sure you are going to do fine and your parents will take very good care of you.
Perhaps the best way to approach it is to get clear directions for your care from your surgeon, including how long you must remain at home. Then talk to Dad. It’s much harder to argue with a surgeon.</p>
<p>btw, your mom is crying for a number of reasons… the one she doesn’t want to tell you is that anytime a parent knows their child is going to have surgery, however large or small, it is very stressful and you worry for them. As an adult you understand that you have to be the stoic one, and strong for your child who is scared themselves. I sobbed while my son was in surgery… not before and not after … he never saw it, and never knew it. She loves you and is simply under a great deal of stress. Don’t let her tears put anymore stress on you than you already have.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you. Please post back and let us know how you are doing.</p>
<p>It is to correct a congenital chest wall defect (dead on). It is a combination of two defects. Therefore, the Ravich procedure will be used. It is quite invasive, and I am not looking forward to the recovery process. The procedure will be done on the 27th. I do not think my mother is worried about the surgery, because she has been pulling for it the entire time. She is frustrated that she is being attacked. But it may also be the surgery.</p>
<p>I will keep this thread up-to-date.</p>
<p>In the original post, it heavily impairs me lung* function.</p>
<p>Presumably the regular custody schedule would be intact. Week with one parent, week with the other.</p>
<p>I am sure that everyone, including you, wants to keep the focus on what’s right for you medically. </p>
<p>Perhaps you can contact the hospital (Surgeon’s office, social work department or chaplain). Explain that you have an upcoming surgery and there is discussion occurring between parents in two locations (a planeride away?) over whether to plan for a single or dual locations for your recovery. </p>
<p>Your parents may need to hear a clear message from the medical team, rather than try to make this decision outside of medical context.</p>
<p>I don’t know if there’s an attorney ad litem for you (in other words, was there an attorney who represented your interests – as compared to that of your mom or dad – in the divorce proceedings? If so, perhaps a phone call to that person might help guide you. Perhaps it was too long ago, though. That;'s only helpful if your parents won’t listen to what your doctor wants, anyway. So maybe forget that. </p>
<p>Most important is that you have a safe, peaceful recovery. Every surgery is different. Only your surgeon can tell you how many weeks and under what circumstances he wants you to have home recovery.</p>
<p>Oh I see, the plane ride back is from the surgery location perhaps. </p>
<p>I’m glad you’re ready to contact the surgeon’s office. </p>
<p>In general, it’s most stressful leading up to the surgery. When it happens and is done, it’ll be a relief. Recovery is work, but right now it’s just stress. At such times, things like the cost of an extra plane ticket can become a big deal. Their problem, not yours. You are doing the right thing to attend to your medical life. Won’t it be great when this is behind you? Sounds like they’re taking care of things before you go to college, and that’s good. </p>
<p>Glad you came here. I’m sure people will try to help as you need it.</p>
<p>It is stressful. Not only that, but my parent’s conflicts. And I have to take three finals in one day and four finals in one day because I have to leave school early. I have just now begun to worry about the recovery process. I knew it was going to be intense, but I obviously don’t know the intensity that it will be.</p>
<p>Groan, quite stressed. And SAT scores are released in three hours :-O.</p>
<p>You’ve got a full plate there!!!
Regretfully I’m on East Coast time so am heading away, but I think you’ve found a good place as a resource for you in coming days and weeks.</p>
<p>Good luck in …3 hours. On that vigil, there must be a lot of company at HSL!!!</p>
<p>Someday in about half a year you’ll actually sit somewhere on a nice afternoon, drink iced tea and watch a flower and butterfly, or football game, or whatever you like. Honestly you will.</p>
<p>If you turned your situation into a mad libs and filled in the blanks differently, you’d have my family situation. Stressful stuff with my parents, trying to take care of my sick mom, all sorts of legal crud and money flying every which way except into my brother’s college fund (I’d graduated by then, thankfully). The thing that kept me going was the idea that I would, someday, have a life and family of my own.</p>
<p>Writing letters to both your parents may help you some, too. You don’t have to ever let your parents see the letters, but I’m sure you have a lot of complicated crud pinging around in your brain and stressing you out… Sometimes it really helps to get everything down on paper and journal all that out.</p>
<p>Maybe you can use those hours before SAT scores are released to journal a little and clear your head.</p>
<p>Best of luck to you. I hope you can find a peaceful zen bubble within the stress zone that your family’s got going on. I’ll visualize Japanese meditation gardens for you…</p>
<p>We were able to use the Nuss procedure which is less invasive. The ravitch is a time tested procedure, and although can have a longer recooperation, in the long run can often times have better results. S2 was dx very late, so his surgery was also done in hs.</p>
<p>Having pretty intimate knowledge of what you are about to go through, your surgeon will tell you not to be moved. I will tell you not to be moved. You will most likely be coming off an epidural at the hospital w/ the ravitch. You will have a much greater risk of infection with the long line incision. You will not risk lung collapse, as my son had, as your repair will not create the vacuum in your chest when the bar is inverted into position. You will sleep in a semi upright position. You will be on narcotics. You can not twist, bend, slouch, reach, pull a shirt over your head… everything must button and you won’t be able to do it. The risk of the bar dislodging in the first several weeks is great if your motions are not very restricted. You do not want to have to go back in to reposition the bar. You will have good pain management, don’t worry about that. Your med’s must be managed round the clock at different intervals for different meds. You are getting the picture here. If anything slightly changes in your condition it could mean a call to the surgeon. Only someone who has taken care of you from the start is going to know what ‘different’ is.</p>
<p>As much as much as your parents love you, they have no idea how intensive your care is going to be. They are up for it. You will be fine. You should not be moved from your home during the first several weeks. </p>
<p>Sorry for the rant… I am just speaking as someone who went through this.</p>
<p>My son’s lung function was severely decreased as well. He had a negative reserve on cardiac testing. His heart was flipped on it’s side and displaced. The GOOD news is, you are going to be able to breath! You will no longer live in fear that you will get an infection with water in your lungs, or take a blow to your chest and compromise your heart and lungs. That all goes away. The bar is a pain… but it is temporary, and you do get used to it. And your chest will be totally reformed. As much of a secondary issue as that was, my son was very self consious about his appearance. A four cent. divit in your chest and flaired ribs will do that to a teen… eh?</p>
<p>I still think your best bet is start with your surgeon. Be honest about your concerns about being moved and ask for a written post-op care instructions (the most restrictive he would recommend). This is about YOU, no one else!</p>
<p>I’ll be checking back in for updates! You’re going to do great!</p>
<p>OK…what am I missing here. The OP said he/she lives with both parents regularly. Wouldn’t that mean the dad is already “involved” in her life?</p>
<p>That being said…the PLACE of recuperation needs to be determined. It would not be easy for someone to have surgery and then move from house to house. BUT if the OPs dad is already seeing her regularly (because living with someone regularly implies that)…then I would think the Dad should also be part of this process. It’s not like he’s been an absentee dad and just showed up…the OP has lived with him “regularly” since she was 8 years old.</p>
<p>It sounds like it is a difficult situation for this family on a personal level, and while their kiddo is recuperating, one would hope that other family “issues” can be set aside.</p>
<p>I am sorry you have to deal with the surgery and your parents’ problem. You are 17, almost an adult. I would suggest for for you to talk to your parents and let them know how you feel. It sounds like you’ll need 24 hours care and will not be able to be moved from one place to another. Ask them which one would have the capacity to offer you the kind of care you’ll need. Whoever you will be staying with may want to offer the other parent extensive visiting, even if they don’t like each other. It sounds like both of them love you very much, it’s nice you’ve had both of them around growing up. Keep us posted.</p>
<p>Owen, it sounded to me that you felt sad and panicked about your mom’s tears. Keep in mind that all of the bickering between your parents helps them to be less focused on what they are mainly nervous about, which is about your surgery and recovery. You know how stressed you feel, and it is natural for your mother and father to be stressed too. You are and always will be their son.</p>
<p>I think you wanted to help make your mom feel better when you wrote your original question. Take comfort in the fact that she has your stepfather’s shoulder to cry on and decompress a bit. I think that what you can do to make yourselves both feel better is to tell her you love her, you appreciate all that she has done to make the surgery happen for you, and that your dad is never going to “take away” the love you feel for her. Let her know that you appreciate that she wants to take care of you as you recover, but if your dad does that instead, that you will always love her just as much. That should make both of you feel better. </p>
<p>I wish all of you the best. Do keep us posted as you recover. </p>
<p>I hope that in some way my advice was helpful to you.</p>
<p>Why would your mom have to pay for your dad’s plane ticket? Your dad can’t just demand that your mom pay. Or did I misunderstand something? Or is it your plane ticket? Where is the plane ticket to and who is it for?</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Your age - considering your age (teenager) does not the court consider YOUR wishes in physical custody? In other words, don’t YOU have the power to say - I want to stay at mom’s (or dad’s) house for an extended period of time?</p></li>
<li><p>Even though you are a minor - most physicians will consider your wishes and feelings. Talk to your physician (surgeon) and tell him/her what is going on.</p></li>
<li><p>A social worker needs to be involved.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Best wishes to you for a safe and speedy recovery.</p>
<p>I think it depends on your state laws but federal HIPAA laws ( and our state laws) have made it difficult for me to get info about my daughters health care since they were 14, for privacy purposes. Unfortunately, I have a daughter who is tight lipped about everything.</p>
<p>However- this is good that they protect the patient and since you are the patient- I believe you probably have the final decision. No pressure huh?</p>
<p>The hospital I am sure has social workers on staff who have experience dealing with situations like this.</p>
<p>owen,
Just checking in to see how you are today. You got a lot of great support here from parents who had some good advise!
I hope you are feeling a bit less stressed today.
Where are you having surgery? We had to travel but not too far luckily. We were at Johns Hopkins. Can’t say enough good things about the staff there! I told my son about you. He was bummed to hear about your parents, but felt glad you were getting the corrective surgery you needed. It’s hard to wait so many years and fight for that. He waited two years. He sends one piece of advise, one teen to another… ‘make sure they give you anti-nausea meds, and do NOT pick up a virus at the hospital… you can’t lean over if you get sick and it hurts like hell!’ That totally cracked me up! Only another kid would think to share that, but I thought I’d pass it on. :)</p>
<p>Tell him that I am grateful for his advice ;-). I am doing better today. I have to take my exams early, and will be traveling on the 25th and will have the surgery on the 27th. It is in Norfolk, VA at the Children’s hospital. They have a pectus clinic. I also have learned that it is a modified-ravitch procedure meaning, it is a tad less invasive. I contacted the secretary in the clinic, and she told me I would be fine to be transported from parent to parent, but cautioned me to not drive for 6 weeks afterward (shocker :-D). </p>
<p>Also, I am still bound by the custody agreement that my parents signed when I was 8. I am 17, and it will be lifted at 18.</p>