Do all men, or could, potentially cheat?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I did not read through all of the 6 pages, but here is my take</p>

<ol>
<li> It takes 2 to Tango</li>
</ol>

<p>Many times because of societal expectations, we as women hurt each other.</p>

<p>Get to a certain age and society says we are at slim pickings, What do many women do? They expand the pool and that includes married men.</p>

<p>Hate to say it, but the reality is if you respect marriage you would stay away and let him walk without your interference!</p>

<ol>
<li> Spouses get comfy, we stop dressing up, touching up make up, and blame it on work and running the house.</li>
</ol>

<p>It hurts both him and her with this. I have fallen to this, but I always try to remind myself that when we were young I would fix my make up before he got home. It was silly, but in honesty it also said he was important to me.</p>

<ol>
<li>Kids, house, life is placed above all. You lose sight of the fact that you and him had the world in front of you with dreams…now all it is about getting the kids to soccer or paying the mtg. There is no couple anymore. Have a date night…go out and do not discuss work or their kids, find yourselves again</li>
</ol>

<p>Want to stop an affair? Than look inside yourself and ask if you lost sight of your wedding day. Ask him to take a walk at night. Lay in bed and watch a show that you hate just to be near him. Let him know that when the kids are gone you want him.</p>

<p>FWIW, I hope any single woman reading this post will also say and realize that they are an interloper. Old adage if he cheats on her with you, what makes you think he won’t cheat on you?</p>

<p>I am truly blessed 27 yrs together, 22 yrs in marriage and because I was a product of a father that left on my birthday I can say Bullet is my top priority…without our marriage there would be no family. I am no perfect wife, I am the normal wife, but every morning and every evening when he enters or leaves I let him always know that I love him more today than when I when I was 18. </p>

<p>Our running joke is that we make each other laugh at each other everyday. If you can’t laugh at each other than pack it in, because you lost sight of the fact that you are each other’s biggest fan club!</p>

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<p>*</p>

<p>Want to stop an affair? Than look inside yourself and ask if you lost sight of your wedding day. Ask him to take a walk at night. Lay in bed and watch a show that you hate just to be near him. Let him know that when the kids are gone you want him.*</p>

<p>My mom (who is French) would say that this is the French way. She would say that when a French wife would suspect/discover that her H was straying, she would not confront him. Instead, she would look at her situation and figure out ways to make him happier at home. Supposedly, doing this will often cause the man to stop straying or to stop considering straying.</p>

<p>My mom said that when a woman confronts the man about an ongoing affair, that “opens the door” for him to say, “Yes, I’m having an affair and I want a divorce.” Many men can’t bring the subject up, so when it’s brought up by the wife, he takes the “open door” and leaves. Now, if the woman truly, truly wants the divorce, then fine. But, many women don’t want to divorce for many reasons and regret ever “opening” that door. </p>

<p>Many women think they want the divorce during the pain of the moment, but once they realize the huge impact on their families, they want to work it out. However, at that point, too many men have “moved on” and are now living with their new loves.</p>

<p>A very good friend of mine got very, very involved with Dog Shows. She’d often be gone for weekends and such. She admits that her H got “short-changed” attention-wise. One day, a co-worker told her that her husband was having lunch with one of his female co-workers and it was rumored that an affair was going on. My friend (very upset) quickly went to that restaurant and confronted them. The H responded by saying that he wanted a divorce. That’s not what my friend wanted. My friend wanted to go to counseling and work things out.</p>

<p>The H didn’t stay with the other woman very long (about a year), but the divorce went through before that ended. My friend realizes now that she shouldn’t have confronted him, but instead should have changed her priorities and given him more attention. It may not have worked, but it may have.</p>

<p>So much depends on the individual. I believe many see the office folks more as “family” or sibs and “crossing the line” with one of them would be like “incest.”</p>

<p>I’ve known many women to feel that way about male co-workers. However, many have been SHOCKED to find out that their male co-workers didn’t share the same sisterly feelings. These men developed crushes on them.</p>

83

<p>“would most men, if the situation presented itself, cheat? Are we being unrealistic to think it is not going to happen?”</p>

<p>IMHO, there’s cheating, and then there’s abandonment. I think that all of us have the capacity to experience a moment (or a longer period) of weakness when some great temptation comes along. A good person who cheats in that situation will realize that they’re doing wrong, end the relationship, attempt to repair things with the spouse, etc. Sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn’t work – sometimes the spouse doesn’t even want them back – but I see it as one of many kinds of human frailty.</p>

<p>To abandon the family and run off with someone else, though…different story. I don’t think that can ever be a matter of a good person making a terrible mistake. Many people would not do this, regardless of the temptation. There’s something fundamentally broken in a person with so little attachment to their family.</p>

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<p>In my world, at least, there seems to be a significant generational difference. I am in my early 50s. Almost everyone I know my age seems to have had at least one parent (OK, a father) who cheated at some point, although the upshot wasn’t always divorce. People I know in between my parents’ age and mine who got married under the pre-Sexual Revolution ancien regime had a marriage-failure rate approaching 100%, but basically worked through it by the 80s, and generally have been stable since then. I only know a few people in my age cohort/social circles where there has been cheating going on, and honestly a fair amount of that has been the re-emergence of previously suppressed sexual orientations.</p>

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<p>Much like the previous poster that has permission to do Clooney, I have permission for Nicole Kidman. As if!</p>

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<p>My h always says I have permission to have an affair with the love of my life…Cary Grant… he’s dead. LOL</p>

87

<p>I have permission to have an affair with Bucky Dent. </p>

<p>Seriously, though, I’m not sure that an affair would send me to divorce.</p>

<p>My co-worker just finished going through a horrible divorce. I swear he’s still suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. He’s wealthy and successful. Married a younger-ish woman twenty years ago (younger but not eyebrow raisingly so, and first marriage for both). About two years ago she had an affair and decided to leave, he wanted to save the marriage but she was having none of that. The end result was that he paid through the nose to have the kids with him most of the time. They technically have joint, but the kids stay with him. He paid much more than the law required for that privilege. He says it was worth it (I’m sure that’s true), but it totally took the heart out of him.</p>

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<p>Editing my post to add that I do think the emergence of a repressed orientation is an extenuating circumstance. It’s no excuse, ever, for cutting your kids out or treating them differently, but I don’t expect a gay person who has come to terms with his/her gayness to stay in a monogamous hetero relationship.</p>

<p>Luckily, I think we’re going to see less and less of that over the years, at least outside of rigid religious sects. When people can acknowledge the truth early on, they’re a lot less likely to involve spouses and children in a mess of unsustainable dishonesty.</p>

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<p>I’ve always been amazed the anyone has the energy for an affair. Obviously they have a lot more stamina than H & I. LOL! I guess maybe folks are living separate lives or really just give each other a lot of freedom to pursue their own interests? Boredom, loneliness and feeling neglected is probably a really bad combo.</p>

<p>The abandonment really seems like it must be one of the worst betrayals one could possibly imagine. It’s bad enough to leave your spouse, but just ditching your kids and entire prior life for ??? is so unbelievably bad.</p>

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<p>I understand the point of the French way, but that was never my point. My point was that security and safety is the demise of a marriage. Get the ring and the chase is over, “you got him”, but that to me is wrong.</p>

<p>Think about would you be happy if you bought a car and within a yr or 2 it rusts? Of course not! Before I get slammed that is true for men too!</p>

<p>Relationships change and if you do not see or hear what your mate is saying they are going to find someone who will. It is human nature to be wanted or needed for themselves. When you lose sight of that fact you open the door to destruction.</p>

<p>Are there spouses who would cheat because they are so insecure of themselves? ABSOLUTELY! Do I believe that they do it because of emotional baggage? YES!</p>

<p>My Mom gave me the best piece of advice before I ever became involved with Bullet. Look at the parents! Their relationship may be yours. I looked at them and saw that Bullet’s father adored his mother. I looked at mine and saw a father who left my mother and a grandfather (my dad’s) that left his 1st wife and married my grandmother. There was no affair, he just said I am out of here. </p>

<p>The adage the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree was true in my family.</p>

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<p>I would say that even though we (men) ARE more biologically predisposed to cheat, it doesn’t allow us to make excuses. An aggressive person bears no less responsibility for murder than someone who is less biologically predisposed. The fact of the matter is: if we follow our “instincts” all the time, we’ll run into trouble. This is true for emotions as well. Only by using reason and a moral sense (guided by God) can one be assured of making right decisions.</p>

<p>All that just to say: no one, man or woman, who cheats can put the ultimate responsibility for the action on anyone other than his/herself. Rising above our natural “instincts”, when need be, is what morality is all about.</p>

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<p>I understand the point of the French way, but that was never my point. My point was that security and safety is the demise of a marriage. Get the ring and the chase is over, “you got him”, but that to me is wrong.</p>

<p>I don’t think your point differs that much from what my mom calls the French point of view. Sometimes spouses “get the ring” and let themselves go (that goes for both sexes). Sometimes spouses take each other for granted. And, referencing one of Pima’s points, some people have “let themselves go” to the point that you have to wonder if their spouses aren’t a bit embarrassed. </p>

<p>*
Are there spouses who would cheat because they are so insecure of themselves? ABSOLUTELY! Do I believe that they do it because of emotional baggage? YES!*</p>

<p>Completely agree. In the case that I described, my friend’s H felt insecure and undesirable because my friend was spending too much time with her dog shows. Her H felt neglected. Yes, he is probably the more “needy” type. Some H’s wouldn’t have cared either way. </p>

<p>I don’t want anyone to think that I’m putting the blame on the wife…no way. If a spouse is feeling neglected or “taken for granted” then it’s his/her responsibility to speak up. The answer isn’t having an affair!</p>

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<p>I agree with m2ck. If a spouse feels neglected, then speak up. If a spouse, feels there are problems in a marriage, then that spouse has a responsibility to say something. An affair does not fix any “problems” in a marriage. All it does is create very huge problems that are sometimes insurmountable. </p>

<p>I am also going take the French way a bit further. If a spouse in tempted to have an affair, then they should take a deep look at themselves first and determine what they are doing/not doing in their marriage. Then make those changes. I don’t think it is only the betrayed spouse’s responsibility to be the only one expected to recognize that there is a problem and then make the changes. </p>

<p>A marriage is give and take on both sides, all the time. And when a spouse is in the midst of an affair, that balance is disrupted. It does not matter how much the other spouse gives, it won’t be enough. If it was enough, then there would be no need for an affair. So in some ways, the betrayed spouse just cannot win. The affair partner has to be better, more loving, more supportive, funnier, sexier, better cook, whatever. It is a way of justifying the feelings, the whole affair. </p>

<p>I don’t feel that an affair is always the reflection of a bad marriage. It is the reflection of something wrong internally with a spouse. I thought I had a great marriage. We laughed all the time, believed in the same things, talked to each other every single evening about our days, cuddled together every evening, still were sexually active. We were best friends. We got along great. There wasn’t a day that went by that we did not say I love you to each other and mean it. It was when he stopped saying I love you that I knew something was wrong and no matter how many times I asked him, he denied that anything was bothering him. </p>

<p>I have seen friends with “bad” marriages and I wonder why they are still together. But none of them have had affairs.</p>

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<p>I asked H about this. He is also one of those “highly unlikely to cheat” types. . .
He said he’d have a hard time resisting if an attractive young woman threw herself at him. I wouldn’t leave him for it, but if he left me–well, he’d have to pay quite a bit for his freedom :wink: (we have 7 kids). </p>

<p>We know a couple who recently divorced. Very conservative, church-going Catholics with 3 kids ages 8-14. Homeschoolers, even. There are NO divorced people in their social circle. The dad took up with another mom he met at kids EC . . . (she also was married with 3 kids). </p>

<p>Why? I asked H–Doesn’t the man consider his family, that his kids HATE him, --what about the long-term, grandchildren, etc. the extended family, every holiday will be messed up forever? The wife discovered his cheating, and he said, “Great! Now I don’t have to sneak around anymore!” She begged him to end the affair, go to counseling, etc. He just said no. (Then the priest said, “Mrs. Smith, you tried. Now you need a good lawyer.” She was a stay at home mom with no way to make a living.) Some friends even blamed the wife for, “not keeping him happy at home.” Grr. Granted, the wife had chronic pain after a back injury, but he married her for better or worse. . .</p>

<p>It seems that women are always in competition with each other–for men
“If she fixed her makeup that would show him she cared!” Gag. I don’t wear makeup, heels or fake anything–and H doesn’t want me to. Now, I keep begging H to lose that 25lbs, but he’s not doing it. So, can I go find a young attractive guy because H isn’t “keeping himself up” for me? LOL</p>

<p>H says that infatuation is like a drug. The man literally can’t think. Just wants another fix. I’ve seen several older men fall for gold-diggers who ruined them. All for that drug =sex. These men made complete FOOLS of themselves and they didn’t even care. They were addicts. The women were only looking for $$$. Going for the doctors, (business owners, actors, pro athletes, etc.) Guaranteed there aren’t too many bimbos throwing themselves at the garbage collector or the guy who works at McDonalds! Yes, the men might get off on the hair dye, surgical enhancements, etc. But for the women, money is the aphrodisiac. </p>

<p>Why do people in difficult marriages stay together? Commitment. That’s all. They married to raise a family and weather the storms of life together. No matter what. They don’t expect their spouses to constantly find new and exciting ways to please them. They realize marriage is about the business of life, not some romantic fantasy.</p>

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<p>It sure would be a a better world (IMHO) if those who loved the infatuation “buzz” would just not have any kids & not pretend they were capable of having a sustained, long term relationship. Ah, but that’s not “REAL” life!</p>

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<p>Hallelujah! And here I was beginning to think I and my significant other were alone.</p>

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<p>""Then the priest said, “Mrs. Smith, you tried. Now you need a good lawyer.” "</p>

<p>:) Good for him! She’s lucky to have a priest with his head on straight.</p>

<p>Marriage isn’t an excuse to let yourself go, and pleasing your partner should always be a priority. But I don’t believe men cheat because the wife stopped wearing makeup. Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry, and Elin Nordegren are natural beauties who don’t need a drop of makeup. Fabulous looks will not keep your man faithful. If he wants the ego trip and excitement of an affair, it doesn’t matter who or what is waiting for him back at home.</p>

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<p>Yes, it’s blaming the victim yet again when we look to see what was somehow “lacking” in the spouse that contributed to the straying. If you look at physical appearances, many times the “other woman/man” isn’t really much to look at and often the relationship doesn’t even last. For some reason, the strayer is looking for SOMETHING (excitement, “buzz,” youth, variety, who the heck knows?) and while it does take two to tango, blame isn’t all that helpful.</p>

<p>FWIW, I have also never worn ANY makeup nor have had dye nor any “enhancements/tune-ups” & hubby & I are happy with things as they are. We are both into graceful aging.</p>

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<p>I’ve never really thought about whether or not H would cheat on me, honestly. I’ve known him since we were freshmen in high school and I really can’t imagine my life without him. </p>

<p>I’ve certainly thought about whether or not I would cheat on him. I guess over the course of so many years all of us have a ton of offers. And, honestly, the way guys in thier 20’s love to come on to “older women” these days, it’s hardly as if there aren’t a LOT of attractive offers, too. But I just figure if I can stay monogomous so can he.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t leave my husband for a physical thing, though. But if he were to fall in love with someone else, emotionally or intellectually? Then I would leave. </p>

<p>I read an interesting study article in Times yesterday about divorce and how it is incredibly hard on the body…no matter if you are the one who leaves or the leavee.</p>

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<p>*
“If she fixed her makeup that would show him she cared!” Gag. I don’t wear makeup, heels or fake anything–and H doesn’t want me to. *</p>

<p>That’s cuz you’re a natural beauty! :)</p>

<p>I think some are missing the point. :slight_smile: It’s not about makeup, fake boobs, or high heels. </p>

<p>There was a family at our Catholic church that seemed happy, but many of us wondered why the wife just let herself go COMPLETELY…I mean really, really badly. Totally ungroomed. I mean she was “clean,” but hair sloppy, clothes sloppy, etc. </p>

<p>Her H was a top executive who always kept himself looking professional and well-groomed (silver hair, tall, nice clothes). She could easily afford to dress in decent (not necessarily fancy) clothes and get a normal hair style, but she CHOSE not to. </p>

<p>We knew that he had many dinners and events to attend where his wife would also be expected to attend. We can only guess about how shabby she would look when she would show up (based on how she dressed for church). I can remember thinking, Mr. P must be embarrassed by how Mrs. P looked. There were probably times when he would just show up by himself to save himself from embarrassment. </p>

<p>I have no idea if he ever asked his wife to make some attempt to look decent, maybe he did and maybe he didn’t. (It is a hard thing for a man to say.) Yes, he did leave her for another woman (after Mrs. P discovered the affair). The woman was similar in age, but well groomed. She worked at his office.</p>

<p>He was wrong to have the affair and to leave his wife, but she was partly wrong for not doing her part and keeping herself decently groomed.</p>