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<p>Assuming I qualify sufficiently to answer, my former spouse had a long term affair that lasted through our entire marriage, with someone who actually predated the marriage. (I think that to the extent my ex gave thought to the propriety of the affair at all, that person was seen as falling under some kind of “grandfather clause” exception to our marriage vows. I guess I must not have been paying attention during that part of the ceremony!) There may have been other people too, but I’m not 100% sure about that.</p>
<p>As it happens, I didn’t know about the affair until after my ex and I separated; the person in question (who was also married) was introduced to me early on as an old friend, and we actually used to get together on occasion. There were signs that I should have picked up on (for example, the time I was told that my ex would be spending the day with friend X, but friend X happened to call that very day and ask for my ex, professing no knowledge of the alleged plans they had together!), but I was sufficiently gullible to always accept my ex’s explanations, regardless of plausibility. It simply never occurred to me that my ex would actually have an affair, even though our marriage was pretty much devoid of intimacy or affection for the last 10 years or so, after my ex stopped finding me physically attractive (at least, that was the explanation I was given.)</p>
<p>So I found out only when a mutual friend in whom my ex had confided told me all about it after the separation, when I was so depressed about what had happened, and was beating myself up so much with self-blame, thinking it was all my fault, that I was close to being suicidal for quite some time. </p>
<p>After I found out, and realized that the affair was ongoing at every point in our marriage, my divorce lawyer tried to talk me into getting a paternity test. I refused; the idea was abhorrent to me, and it still upsets me to think about it. In fact, that’s one of the reasons I ended up changing lawyers. (In case anyone’s wondering, I never had any serious doubts on the subject. J. and I don’t look much alike – except that our feet seem to be precisely identical! – but we’re way too much alike in all sorts of other ways for there ever to have been a question in my mind. He certainly doesn’t look anything like my ex’s “friend.” Fortunately. Disgusting old goat. And even if there were a question, it wouldn’t matter. J. is mine, and always will be, no matter what. )</p>
<p>The thing is, though, that I probably wouldn’t have left even if I’d known about the cheating before the separation. If not having any physical intimacy with my ex didn’t cause me to leave (until I was ultimately forced to leave by threats of telling my shameful secret to the world), then I’m not sure that knowledge of an affair would have caused me to leave either. It’s hard to think of anything, in fact, that would have made me leave the marriage voluntarily if it meant no longer seeing my son every single day. The thought of that was unbearable to me, and the first months after it actually happened were, in many ways, the most difficult time of my life. I think I cried myself to sleep every single night that J., who was only 10 at the time, wasn’t with me. I don’t even like to think about it; it was horrible. </p>
<p>Not to mention that things were – and still are, ten years later – much more difficult for me financially after the separation and divorce, given that I had to support two households instead of one, and continued to pay all of my ex’s bills throughout the 4 1/2-year period it took until the divorce was finalized.</p>
<p>In retrospect, of course, despite the financial burdens and my fears about what would happen to my relationship with my son (fears that turned out to be largely unfounded), I should have left years and years before I did, of my own volition rather than waiting until I was forced to leave. For one thing, I could have started my own journey to self-discovery, and becoming myself (in a way), at a much younger age. But I try not to blame myself too much. Back then, I had no idea what was possible in my life, and would never have believed it if someone had told me it was possible. The way I thought about it, things like that weren’t meant to happen to ordinary people like me.</p>
<p>PS: In case Anudduhmom is still lurking out there somewhere, since I know her view is that because of my history I have no right to say anything even mildly critical of my former spouse (what with the cross my ex has to bear of once having been married to someone like me), I’m by no means suggesting that everything was a bed of roses in my marriage for my ex, either, or that I was without fault. Neither is the case. But in this particular post, I’m talking about my own feelings.</p>