<p>I’m a college freshman and I see that girls tend to talk about each other behind backs. It drives me nuts, especially when someone tells me something not so nice about someone else and then is buddy buddy with that person the next day! Plus I know that I have to be so careful with what I say because people will repeat it back. Like someone will say “Didn’t Steph look fat in her dress last night?” I don’t want to respond because it’s not my style to rip people apart…</p>
<p>Do females EVER get over this? How have you coped with this type of thing?</p>
<p>I was at a party (all fifty-somethings) this weekend. One “charming” friend chimed in with
“I saw “X” at the grocery yesterday and I can tell you…she did not spend the night in her own home…”
My response: “Every time I hear you talk that way, I shudder to think what is said about me when I’m not in the room. PLEASE STOP”.</p>
<p>When my D was having this type of “girl” drama in 2nd grade, I told her that I wish I could say that girls grow out of this type of behavior…but they don’t. You’ll find grown women the rest of the life that act like this. </p>
<p><strong><em>The Good News</em></strong> You can choose not to hang with them. Can’t avoid them all the time, but the older you get, the less you have to tolerate it.</p>
<p>Like attracts like: Be the kind of friend you want to have.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, no. You will find the same cliqueishness and cattiness that you saw in Jr high and high school in 40, 50 year old women and beyond. My mom is a sr. citizen and at the local senior citizen center there is a group of women who claim a certain table as “theirs” for lunch.</p>
<p>musicamusica, you are a wise and strong woman. Away2school, if you can start responding to the inappropriate gossip in a similar manner, you just might start a trend! Wouldn’t that be nice?</p>
<p>I once had a (really bad) boss who would do similar things–tell me things about another worker that were clearly not my business. I didn’t handle it as well as musicamusica might have. Now I’m inspired to respond appropriately, if I’m in a similar position.</p>
<p>But not everyone is like this. I have lots of women friends who do not feel the need to gossip about others. Especially petty stuff like how someone looks. When I run across women who act this way or are excessively concerned about theirs or others’ appearances, I run the other way. Not my values at all. </p>
<p>I work in a small office of women where we have made it a point not to gossip about each other because it is very difficult to trust someone after you realize they have the potential for gossiping about you.</p>
<p>I do have one friend who is very critical about others but it’s usually about how they deal with their kids. I recognize that she has a great deal of anxiety about her own decisions about how she is raising her kids and this is her way of validating her decisions. Though, there are many times when I wonder about what she says about me behind my back. I have learned not to confide too much in her. It’s sort of sad because I’m not sure I can totally trust her.</p>
<p>It is a trait consistent among groups of women regardless of age, race, country, or language. I am not suggesting it is right, but I am saying it is not unusual.</p>
<p>I wish I could start a new trend but can you imagine if at college in a dorm I said “i don’t want to talk about that because I wonder if you talk the same way about me behind my back.” I wonder what kind of responses I’d get!</p>
<p>Unfortunately, even “professional” women act this way. I have no use whatsoever for it, and I consider it toxic. I always figured that it was an equal opportunity slamfest … if I heard them slam others, I was not exempt. Turns out I was correct. It doesn’t make for a pleasant environment.</p>
<p>My boss is the most negative person I’ve ever met, although she extends her criticism and judgmentalism to both genders equally. And yes, I do wonder what she says behind my back. She casts a pall over the whole department. Unfortunately, I’m stuck with her; she’s a lifer and the company is too small for either of us to be transferred away from each other. If I weren’t 55, or if I had some unique and spectacular skillset, or if the economy weren’t terrible – maybe I’d consider leaving. As it is, I’ve resigned myself to spending the rest of my working life with her. </p>
<p>I guess the good news is that I now really understand how negativity can bring down not only yourself, but everyone around you.</p>
<p>If someone says something like, “Didn’t Steph look fat in that dress last night,” you can sort of side-step the comment with something like, “Oh, I love Steph! She’s the best.” It’s a bit of a chicken way out- not as straightforward as musica’s response, but it does get the point across that you’re not playing that game and allows the catty one to save face. (not that they deserve it, of course!) And at that point, you know not to trust this person or confide in them at all.
Nice women are out there- you’ll find them.</p>
<p>Some of the most respected women I know make it a point to never gossip. And that is a major reason people (including other women) respect them. </p>
<p>One of my personal goals this year is to learn to be less judgmental of others (much harder to do than you think because we all make judgments about others all day long. It’s like an American obsession, which is why all those reality shows are so popular.)</p>
<p>I read something recently that really resonated with me:</p>
<p>“If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace.” Eckert Tolle</p>
<p>Thanks for the great quote, MomLive. I work with seniors, and because women tend to outlive men, I know many more senior women than men. We do have a b*tchy set at our senior center that gossips about and excludes other women; however, the majority of our members just think they’re funny and sad at the same time. This group is pretty devious, always trying to get around the procedures established by our (all female) staff about not saving seats at lunch, not telling others "you can’t sit here or “you can’t play bunco at our table.” :rolleyes: (Oy, like 6th grade all over again.) But we’ve got a lot of energy for dealing with it. Our former director actually called certain women into her office and told them not to return until they were ready to play nicely with others. I can only imagine what they say about us … we wish they’d find somewhere else to recreate, but we’re a pretty awesome place. :)</p>
<p>So, if you were a mean girl at 14 and life didn’t teach you to be otherwise, you’re not gonna change when you start collecting Social Security. I would like to say, though, that the majority of our members are not this way, and that the way elderly widowed women look after one other is one of my gender’s best aspects.</p>
<p>At my D’s school, there is one mom who does that A LOT. Often it is something other moms confided in her about their kids. Horrifying. She called some of these moms her best friend traveling many miles (as in flying many hours) to attend their kids Bar Mitzvar. She acts high-minded and often push anti-drug ed. Her kids are now in HS and became go-to girls for drugs.</p>
<p>away2school–you don’t have to be as irritating and flinty as me.</p>
<p>Another response might be: “I’ve decided that I want to be more supportive of my friends.”
or “Do we REALLY have to talk about our friends that way? It’s something that really bothers me”</p>