<p>And people wonder why we haven’t had a female president…</p>
<p>The last few times I’ve heard this type of backbiting from someone, I’d immediately change the subject to something else or otherwise ignored him/her. </p>
<p>Another friend would sometimes tell such a person “Stop being such a DRAMA QUEEN!!”…but that can result in a lot of blowback that most people cannot or do not want to handle.</p>
<p>
Yeah, they’re so mean they’d probably just start a lot of wars and stuff.</p>
<p>:rolleyes:</p>
<p>The cattiness isn’t always present in groups of women. I’ve been involved in very supportive groups over the years where this was never an issue.</p>
<p>But straight-up talking about? Happens all the time and I don’t necessarily see anything wrong with it.</p>
<p>So I’ve learned from all these answers that girls continue to do this throughout their lives.
My real question then is HOW DO YOU FIND REAL FRIENDS!!! I mean, if most people are talking behind your backs and whispering nasty things about others, WHY would I want to be their friend???</p>
<p>Are MOST people NOT NICE??!!</p>
<p>WARNING: feminist comment ahead. I think when we call each other “women” instead of “girls” or “females” it becomes harder to belittle each other. I’m not saying women never gossip. Rather, when you consciously think of your peers as women you are less likely to gossip about them.</p>
<p>“It is a trait consistent among groups of women regardless of age, race, country, or language.”</p>
<p>I don’t currently know anybody like that, and really can’t recall too many in my fifty plus years. </p>
<p>Maybe people who know me, know better. Husband would say hearing me… voice in opinion… in a break room, was what he remembered about me. Unfortunately it was about my right to smoke in a hospital…</p>
<p>Recently someone in my office warned someone, another MD, a male, who calls the receptionists “girls”, and attributes complaints about temperature in the office to a female thing, not to say that in front of me… sigh…I threatened to flatten his tires… not my best moment…</p>
<p>Uh oh… my first bunco party tonight…a fund raiser for the grad chapter of my sorority.</p>
<p>I absolutely DO know plenty of women who are not like this!! 
It’s just that there are so many who are.</p>
<p>I find myself drawn in every so often. I recently heard a song with some lyrics that I repeat to myself every morning: Hear the song of my life. Let it be a sweet, sweet song.</p>
<p>I am trying hard to be someone who is good to be around.</p>
<p>I LOVE talking about what people wore, good, brilliant, and in between. I am a fan of gofugyourself dot com. So it doesn’t stop, but I don’t believe it has to be a problem. If I can’t laugh at the absurd, I’ll find life very boring. And if my friends have lunch when I’m not there and someone says “Hanna really needs some new jeans, because 1996 wants her old ones back,” no harm, no foul.</p>
<p>I think there is harm in talking about someone else who is not there…I think it is very disrespectful. </p>
<p>Do people talk bad about others to somehow make themselves feel better? Is it true that the people who belittle others feel badly about themself?</p>
<p>away2school - I think the point we are trying to make is that there will always be that group of women who are superficial. As I said in my post above, like attracts like, be a good friend and you’ll find them. They don’t land on your door step, it takes time to develop good relationships. Don’t be discouraged. As you can see from this thread, MOST women are NOT like that.</p>
<p>Hanna, I do agree with you to an extent. My litmus test is … would you be willing to say it to my face? If so, then it’s funny. If not, it might very well not need to be said. Of course, if you are discussing me because you are worried about me, that is different. Caring about someone is different than putting them down. </p>
<p>Is it kind? Is it necessary? If not, does it need to be said? Many of us do say things we don’t need to say. We should probably try to be more aware of this.</p>
<p>Men gossip just as much as women. They do not do it with each other, but I know plenty of men who would gossip just as much with women.</p>
<p>I have no problem in saying that I do talk about people - the way they look, talk, walk…I am sure they all do about me too, and it doesn´t bother me. What I won´t gossip about is unsubstantiated rummors, especially if it would hurt someone. The prime example is speculating if someone is having an affair, any kind of wrong doing, or pass along what someone´s kid is doing. If I don´t like what someone was wearing at a party, I would pass a comment, but if I saw that person´s H with some woman, I would tend to keep my mouth shut.</p>
<p>At work I smile and nod a lot. When someone is telling me some gossip, I would just listen and not pass any judgement on whether they should gossip or not. I am often the source of information at work. I filter out the noise and could figure out which way the wind is blowing.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I agree…it’s always helpful to know what’s going on at work “off the record.” Sometimes it’s just petty gossip but sometimes it’s important information. Rather than discouraging gossip and being left outside the loop, I think just smiling and nodding can be a good strategy.</p>
<p>I have to say…over the last few years, I have become less incline to ‘engage’ when other people are gossiping or complaining or going on and on about a particular hot button topic. I’ve decided it’s not worth my mental energy to get involved every time. I will listen to what people have to say but feel no need to respond. If you stop responding and listen carefully, you will see that many times people are just projecting their fears, anxieties, insecurities and prejudices on to others. It’s fascinating to watch. These days I pretend I’m simply an anthropologist observing the natives. It can be fun when you detach from the process and just watch.</p>
<p>I like anthropological explanations for bad human behavior! The more “Animal Planet” I watch, the more I realize that we’re just primates with too much free time on our hands. So status seeking (whose car is the most expensive?), protecting our place in the hierarchy (excluding women with yucky nail polish), conforming to group activities (gossiping), etc. which made a lot of sense to our monkey ancestors, are still with us. </p>
<p>Men absolutely do gossip as well. Though they don’t seem to take as much criticism for it.</p>
<p>I have recently discovered that it IS possible to find women and workplaces that do not behave this way - that don’t spend time gossiping and putting one another down. What a huge breath of fresh air. I agree with the posters who say that it is up to YOU to choose who to be friends with, and if your friends are superficial and spend their time tearing each other down, there is a simple solution: get better friends.</p>
<p>I worked in an environment where I was the only person with a college degree. Most of my subordinates were women in their 50’s and 60’s, who had lived in the same town their whole lives, and still behaved the way girls do in junior high - cliques, this group didn’t talk to that one, ostracizing others who didn’t go along… it was pathetic. When my high school daughter asked when all the meanness among girls would stop, I told her I didn’t know.</p>
<p>But now I work at a faith-based non-profit that is overwhelmingly female. We serve a female population, and our staff consists of about 40 women and 2 men. In my 3 months at this workplace I have yet to hear a single “catty” word spoken by one staff member about another. We have women with strong personalities and opinions, but we discuss, present our points of view, a decision is made, and we move on. It never becomes personal. The only comments I hear on other people’s appearances are positive ones - “I like your haircut… that color is so flattering on you… Christina is always so well dressed - I wish I had her fashion sense…” etc. </p>
<p>I realize now that I have a group of friends who is the same way - its a group of couples that formed when our sons all headed off to college 4 years ago. We support each other.</p>
<p>Last week my workplace had a speaker for our teenage, female clients. The woman was the CEO of a major corporation. She told the girls that if their friends were cutting them down, saying nasty things to or about them, to shake the dust from their feet and get new friends. “Seriously,” she said, “We don’t do that any more. We are playing WAY beyond that.”</p>
<p>I would have expected an environment of all women, and a clientele of teenage girls, would be unbelievably catty - but it’s not. I don’t know if its because we see a bigger picture (being faith-based) or because when there are no men around to compete with - or to compete FOR, in the case of the teens - the environment changes. </p>
<p>I never understood the draw of women’s colleges, but now I do.</p>
<p>I have run my own small company with seven employees for 28 years. I have fired an employee only once. Around 10 years ago I fired a woman for creating a toxic atmosphere through her incessant gossip and innuendo. I had warned her several times but she was still shocked when the hammer came down. When she left it was clear to everyone that this sort of nasty behavior was not tolerated. We now have a congenial, friendly and supportive group of people(fyi ALL WOMEN). Everyone of my current employees has been with me for over 16 years.
Strangely enough, two years ago, a friend who lived half way across the state, mentioned that her mother was miserable at her retirement community. It seems that there was a certain woman whose back biting and gossip was wreaking havoc and making her poor mom miserable. I described my experience with the woman I had canned.
Come to find out----------It was the same woman.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I agree with this. I think that women tend to be more interested in personalities and relationships and therefore talk about them. I see a distinction between discussing such things and cattiness/gossiping.</p>
<p>Moreover the idea that men don’t gossip and engage in backbiting is ludicrous, and the misogynistic remarks of a few of the posters here **** me off royally.</p>
<p>Oh, Lafalum, your office sounds wonderful! Wish I could work there. :)</p>
<p>“it might very well not need to be said”</p>
<p>Almost no chitchat needs to be said. That’s not the criterion I use to determine what to say when I’m having fun with my friends. I’m sorry but it is funny that (to use a real example from law school) the law firm Quinn Emanuel rented out a dive bar for a recruiting-week party and my classmate puked in a box of Quinn Emanuel sweatshirts. I told the story, my friends and I had a good chuckle, no one got hurt. (This was the #1 pastime in law school for both men and women.) It’s not the same thing as cutting people down in order to hurt them or establish some kind of social order. We all hung out together.</p>
<p>Nor do I think I should only say what could be said to the subject’s face. There’s plenty of room for venting in this world. If my sister “Jill” is driving me nuts with her drama, I can go to my other sister “Angela” and commiserate, and we both feel better and have more patience with Jill the next time she calls. Saying this to Jill would accomplish nothing except causing yet more tension and drama. I assume that Jill and Angela do the same thing when I’m getting on their nerves, too, and I have zero problem with that.</p>
<p>Is it a mitzvah to gossip like this? Clearly not. But I view it the same as eating a brownie or reading a romance novel. There’s room for some mindless treats among the wholesome and nutritious parts of life.</p>