<p>I worked on a contract basis for a short time for a woman who said nasty things about various people in our sphere. I said nothing. Eventually she terminated our relationship claiming, “she didn’t like me.” I think she meant I wouldn’t play her cat and mouse game. It hurt but I am grateful to not have to deal with her anymore. I have not mentioned to any of the people she badmouthed what she said. There was one situation where I had to button it hard not to convey to another person what she had said. In the end I just want to be done with this backbiter for ever.</p>
<p>I want to believe that likes attract likes and being a good friend will bring good friends but I find that i AM a great friend and people take advantage of how nice I am and often don’t treat me as well as I treat them.</p>
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<p>I have found out the hard way that when it starts to feel like others are taking advantage of me, it’s usually because I have failed to set appropriate boundaries. It’s okay to say no. That doesn’t mean you aren’t a nice person.</p>
<p>This is very common with really nice people. They aren’t comfortable with boundaries and they can’t say no, so people start to take advantage of that fact. After a while, the nice person gets very resentful. You don’t need to do everything everyone asks of you. And if people aren’t treating you the way you treat them, then you need to re-evaulate whether they are worthy of your friendship.</p>
<p>A tip: I have a few acquaintances who are always asking for favors and I have learned to let their calls go to voice mail and screen them to give me time to think about their request without having to react right away. Sometimes, I don’t even return the call if it’s something they need right this minute (not something that is an emergency, just things they have failed to plan ahead for). You don’t have to available to your friends 24/7. You have a life. You could be in meeting, at a movie, or otherwise engaged. When I do finally talk to the person, I will say, “Sorry, I was busy when you called and couldn’t get back to you.” And these days, it’s easy enough to send a text in response with a quick but polite ‘sorry but I just can’t do it’.</p>
<p>I think it’s more of the fact that nice people get eaten alive by those who are not nice…most people yell, put down, over power those who are nice. So nice people figure that it is just not worth it to get into an argument with those who will take it to an ugly level.</p>
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<p>This.</p>
<p>We cannot change other people, all we can change is ourselves. When I find myself in a situation where I feel taken advantage of, which isn’t particularly often now that I am older, I have to ask myself how I got there. Usually, young women give to get. “I will be this kind of person for you so that you will be this kind of person for me.”</p>
<p>Only, people are who they are.</p>
<p>You get what they have to give and you choose whether or not this is a friend or an aquaintance. There are “party” friends, “work” friends, “acquaintances,” and people who run in the same circle. Close friends are an entirely other thing and we are lucky to have a few of them in our life. Vision your life like a target. There’s the bull’s eye and then all the circles that go out further and further from there.</p>
<p>First you let somebody in to the first circle and if they turn out to be trustworthy, you let them in a circle or two, and so forth. Then, you might reach a wall with a certain person and you think, “nope,” and they move back to “party” friend…</p>
<p>The problem younger women often face mostly come from treating acquaintances as close friends. Close friendships take time to develop.</p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>“I think it’s more of the fact that nice people get eaten alive by those who are not nice…most people yell, put down, over power those who are nice. So nice people figure that it is just not worth it to get into an argument with those who will take it to an ugly level.” </p>
<p>^^I don’t know if I agree, but maybe I am not as “nice” as I think I am. </p>
<p>Edit… I just asked my husband if I was nice, and he paused …and said “I think your pragmatic.”</p>
<p>Women do other women a huge disservice when they complain about working with women. I have loved working with and for many women, and I have loved working with and for many men. Conversely, there have been a few men and (very) few women I did not particularly enjoy working with. There has been a very supportive atmosphere among women and men coworkers at the current and previous place I worked (8 years ago). And my female friends and my sisters are uniformly wonderful and supportive.</p>
<p>Be the kind of friend you want to have. Avoid people who rip on other people, and teach your kids to do the same.</p>