My 32-year-old nephew is horrible at replying to my texts. I honestly don’t think he replies to my mil’s (his grandmother’s) texts either.
It isn’t as though I am bombarding him with texts or sending silly jokes or memes. I just looked, and I have sent about a dozen texts over the last year. One was a happy birthday greeting. One was a congratulations on his getting a supervisor job. Hope you have fun on your vacation. The others were specific questions. Short texts - not walls of words. I receive no replies, no thumbs up - nothing.
The most recent text (Saturday) was asking about taking photos at Thanksgiving. This summer at a family gathering he would practically run when the camera was pointed in his direction. So I texted and asked, “Pics of you or not at TG? You didn’t seem to want to be in pics at the summer family gathering, so I wanted to ask ahead of time.” I was not the one taking pics this summer, but I want some at TG as ds will be there as well. He is ds’s only cousin.
It just seems so inconsiderate to me that he doesn’t respond to anything. So, the handwriting on the wall seems to be, “I am not interested in a relationship with you.” Fine. I can accept that. But, I see him 3 or so times a year, and it’s really hard for me to always play nice and not address how his ignoring me bothers me. If I never saw him, it would be different.
I think it could be a variety of things from he he thinks texts are reserved for friends only and family is a hassle to you have a wrong number or he blocked you (weird but could happen) or he’s just not nice!
Do you talk to him at these family gatherings? How is his conversation with you?
Sorry his behavior is hurtful. I would: 1) stop sending texts; 2) be cordial to him at family events; 3) ask when you are together if he would like to be in family photos.
I think if someone doesn’t want a relationship with you, that’s their prerogative. Of course you can’t help feeling the way you’re feeling, but at the same time it’s not your choice to make, it’s theirs.
Personally I’d let it go to the extent you’re able. You can still be polite in person while not having interaction beyond the in-person meetings.
Yes, not responding to your texts is rude. But at the same time, it’s a pretty clear message that maybe you could’ve picked up on sooner. Personally if someone doesn’t respond after 2-3 texts over the course of a few months, I stop bothering them.
And one thought - are you sure you’re in in his contacts list as “Aunt Hoggirl”? I get seemingly personal texts all the times from unknown numbers that I treat as phishing or spam.
Personally, I wouldn’t take it personally. Do you know whether he texts regularly with anyone in the family? He just sounds introverted if he doesn’t text and doesn’t want his pic taken.
You might have been trying to be polite by asking ahead of time, but maybe he took it as pressure. As does the repeated texting. A text a month doesn’t sound obsessive to me, but I think I would’ve quit after the first few went unanswered.
ETA: I don’t think you did anything wrong, but our intent is different from our impact sometimes.
Yes, I am in his contacts. It’s not that he has never replied to me. My mil also occasionally puts him on group family texts. He does not reply to those either.
I feel worse for my mil as his grandmother. She has done a lot for him (as she also has for our ds) over the years.
I can see where maybe that was pressure to ask him about pics. I would abide by whatever he wants. And, if he said he doesn’t want to be in pics, my plan was to have his back if others pushed for them.
It just seems wrong not to text my only nephew, “Happy Birthday,” on his birthday. But, it sounds like the consensus is I should cease and desist.
Also, while dh’s extended family is large, the gather-at-TG family will only be eight of us. All at one table. We play games after we eat. It’s not like I can casually say, “Hello,” and mingle among 40 folks or so.
I, myself, am absolutely terrible at texting. It is explainable, though not excusable, by my ADHD, but I’m sure the people on the other end of my texting absolutely feel snubbed. I can’t explain what your nephew’s situation is, but if you connect well in person, focus on having a good time at Thanksgiving, and if everything seems good, maybe ask him about whether texting works as a way to connect. If he’s like me, he probably feels pretty bad about letting messages slide off his phone, but once they aren’t front-and-center, there isn’t a good way to remember that they need to be dealt with.
I think you should send a physical card and stop texting.
I am terrible at texting. I never initiate texts and I often don’t respond. I know it drives people crazy.
BUT- I don’t have my phone out at work (I have multiple communication devices and am NEVER hard to reach- but not on my personal phone during the workday). So if a friend texts me something “urgent” about making plans for two weeks from now-- I’m not going to respond in real time during the work day, I may not bother to check while I’m driving, I may not have time to scroll through an entire day’s worth of texts, all of which claim they are urgent but are typically “Are you free for dinner on December 14th” which frankly doesn’t feel urgent on November 18 when I got that text. And then there are 30 texts from the Red Cross about donating blood, a dozen texts from Ann Taylor that their pre-Black Friday sale started yesterday, etc.
So I have no idea what’s going on with your nephew, but I’m reasonably sure it’s not personal. Does he have a job where he’s not allowed to use text to communicate? Many do. Security issues, legal issues.
So ASK HIM-- “if I want to let you know I’m thinking of you, what’s the best way to do that?”
I’ve told friends- email me during work hours, call my work line-- I’ll respond within half an hour. Text me- you fall to the pile with the Red Cross and Ann Taylor. Oh, and my dentist has recently taken up texting which is about to trigger me finding another dentist. I don’t need to hear from her a few times a week to know that plaque is bad and that flossing is good.
My opinion is you should NOT cease and desist on the texting, but keep your texting few and far between like they have been.
I do think you should quit expecting replies to your texts.
I agree with @1214mom, keep texting, but not often. If he’s on the spectrum, he may not completely get social cues. For example, for years, one of my sons would never acknowledge, unless I asked a specific question. Guess he didn’t think he needed to, and eventually realized I would keep asking, did you get that? Are you okay?
I wonder if there is something he is passionate and knowledgeable about, particularly if you two have discussed it. If you had a question that doesn’t seem contrived, but timely, I wonder if he might actually answer it completely. I have found that often I am invisible to younger men, until they realize I can converse about something that’s interesting to them,(or am driving my husband’s Porsche😊). All of a sudden, they see me.
My early 30’s S is awful at returning texts. I don’t know why - maybe he gets so many that some get forgotten, or maybe he plans to respond but doesn’t remember.
Just call him, text or email and ask him. Plain and simple. My son (who I always text) said send email instead because he simply got in the habit of not checking messages. Then we went back to messages ad infinitum. Guess what I’m saying is this isn’t about you. If you want something immediately call and leave a message.
Know what? I’m sure you do! Keep up the supportive, encouraging, interested messages. These days there are a MILLION messages that are sent and while your nephew doesn’t respond that does NOT mean that he didn’t see or appreciate them. Let it go.
