Is he “warm” enough to you (as anyone) at family gatherings?
Does your H ever text him?
Some people are just bad at responding. Try not to take it personally. He’s probably that way with most everyone.
He might hate to be in pictures.
Probably not part of being bad at texting.
My son is terrible at returning messages or responding. I finally had to group text him with his wife. I think she badgers him into responding. They are things like, when are you coming? Is it ok for us to come Saturday instead of Friday. You know stuff I need to know but not enough to call.
I always say that he’s much better in person. Fun happy talks to us. Bad on the phone. There are times I had to ask for proof of life. The good news is now he has a wife who sends pictures of the granddaughter. So I know he’s still alive.
My nephews hate to be in family pictures. Why? Who knows. They also don’t respond to texts. A big response would be liking my text.
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Probably.
No, my dh does not text him.
If you respond reliably and rapidly to texts you know what you just may get? More texts!
Nephew seems to be sending a message he doesn’t want texts, and even ignoring most of them he’s still getting a dozen a year. Personally I think it’s laudable you take an interest in your nephew and reach out to congratulate him or wish him well. But some people aren’t as interested in staying in contact with relatives, and that’s on them.
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My kids for a long time were not great at texting/responding to people unless a direct question was asked of them. They’ve gotten better, but it’s still pretty limited. I often joke that my kid leaves me on “read”. My husband is even worse - he won’t even respond to direct questions. It’s not ill intentioned, just overwhelmed in their cases. I don’t think it has ever been a case of “I don’t like the person so I won’t respond.”
Like a previous poster, I often “lose” texts if they come in during the work day because I simply can’t respond or access phone. And then there’s driving home, making dinner, and maybe I’ll catch up on texts, but I may not always catch up.
I would not stop interacting if your in person relationship is fine - keep being supportive and encouraging. Just accept you may not get texts.
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We are struggling with this with our beloved niece! We used to matter to her a LOT, and I’m sure we still do, but as I have said to my H, we are no longer in the inner ring of importance and have moved several rings out of the center of her world. It’s all good when we are together, but trying to get her to commit to a family gathering or make it a priority is impossible as her life expands. She cordially responds to texts (eventually) but she no longer pings us with updates or a funny story or meaningful pictures to share. She had a baby 2 weeks ago, and I have no idea when we will be invited to meet the newest addition to the family. It’s sad, but I also think that is part of being the older generation now.
I also have an S who is terrible at responding to texts. But he is wonderful in person!
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If he treats you kindly in person I would not fret over the unanswered texts.
For many people (younger) texting is the most common way of communicating. It can be overwhelming to keep up with. Friends are texting, work is texting, throw in a few family members and it can be a lot!
As I think others have mentioned people with ADHD (lots of people ADHD - not just 8 year olds!) become overwhelmed with texting and often practice text ghosting. They get distracted or overwhelmed and the return texts just don’t happen.
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My D said she and her friends often have 90 unread messages at any given time!!
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OP, I feel you. I just wanted to say I know what it’s like to want to make the cut, be in the circle, pick your metaphor – and have to face what seems to be evidence that you just…don’t.
We know people text each other, sometimes email, occasionally use a phone call. When we are never on the receiving end, only the sending side, I think it’s pretty normal to feel a bit rejected, and sad about that. Not a big deal, not ruining the month, but doing mental exercises to find plausible reasons can be discouraging.
So here’s a hug. I get it.
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My adult son who lives 2000 miles away often does not reply to my texts, which I only send a few times per month. It’s a little annoying. But you know what? I try not to be offended. If something is really important, I call… and he answers. Same son has gone above and beyond to help two different east coast hospitalized relatives. I can deal with radio silence on the small stuff.
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S22 hates texting. It’s rare for him to respond to texts. I think he would actually prefer a phone conversation over texting, not that he loves those either. He does display all the cards my MIL sends him though.
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I don’t think a card needs a thank you anyway (and I’m big on thank you’s for gifts). My husband stinks with texts, drives me nuts. I’ll ask if he read mine, usually says no, what did it say. He also doesn’t have his own email, just work, financial services so just work related emails. He uses mine. ETA my husband is 100% undiagnosed ADHD, and our one child out of five who isn’t a great texted is diagnosed/medicated ADHD.
Just text things that don’t require a reply. “Happy birthday, hope you have a great day!” That way you keep in touch and don’t have to feel ignored when you don’t get a response to something you asked.
I do think it’s partly a generational thing. D19 is pretty good at texting but even so it’s not unusual for a number of my texts to go unacknowledged, even ones with questions.
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I think I understand both sides of this.
My kids aren’t great at responding to texts. My college student is good about responding to urgent things, but not a lot else. My high schooler is worse (and yes he has ADD). It annoys my spouse and me a bit but not enough that we do much other than tease them a bit. Some of my college son’s longtime friends text with their folks a lot. They also like to text me about things that they don’t really discuss with their parents (class stuff, relationship stuff, etc), and I correspond more with them than I do with my own kid!
I text my sister quite a bit (for me, that’s 2-3 times per week), and we are close. She’d like us to text way more than we do, and in fact, we got into a big fight about it a few years ago (we never fight). She’s settled into accepting the amount that we do communicate, which is a compromise for both of us.
I don’t text with my mom, ever. She’s the only one I refuse to text, and I have my own reasons for that. She tried for a few years and finally gave up, mostly. I have a polite and functional relationship with her. I call her (she never calls me), and we email back and forth.
I have a VERY weird thing about photos, only with my mom, after her shoving a camera in my face for decades before I finally put a stop to it. My mom has guilt tripped me ever since, but my spouse sends her occasional photos which is generous. Since appearances are everything to her it kills her not to have a big supply of photos to show to every person she encounters (whether they’re interested or not). In contrast, I have a fantastic relationship with my in-laws. My mom has long exploited this to get info via my MIL (they know each other), but has really upped her efforts lately. I happily let my MIL take photos of anything, but at our last visit, she kept snapping photos and saying to me and my kids “smile, these are for your other grandma”! My SIL later delicately explained my issues to my MIL, which I appreciated. All that is to say, some people can be weird about photos for reasons that are unknown to others.
My aunt texts me regularly and I rarely respond. I love my aunt and we get along just fine, but I just don’t want to text with her that much. Kind of how she’s always tagging me in stuff on facebook and comments on everything, but I barely use FB. She’s sweet but if I replied to everything, she’d just scale it up. And she asks a lot of questions that I don’t necessarily want to answer.
I’m just not a big texter, especially compared to a lot of people I know. There is a super small group of people that get quick responses from me. Spouse, kids, coworkers is about it. Everyone else may or may not get a quick response, or a response at all. It’s just too overwhelming otherwise! Prior to cell phones, I used to regularly spend hours in the library where no one could find me. I miss that feeling and that’s reflected in my attitude to responding to the constant barrage of electronic communication.
I agree with this. We do this a lot with our college kid. We send out little pings of love, and he does get them and appreciate them, even if he doesn’t respond to or acknowledge everything.
I think if my aunt’s messages were more like that, I’d probably “react” to more of them.
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I have appreciated all these replies.
If I received a phone call (rather than a text) from certain family members, I would immediately assume something is wrong.
I guess my point is that I wish people would communicate their preferred mode of communication! Just reply to one text - “I don’t like texting - please call/email/carrier pigeon me instead!” Or even, “I don’t want to communicate with you in any way other than an F2F at family gatherings.” Honestly, I’d prefer either of those over inconsistent texting or ignoring me. I take my coffee black - just give it to me straight rather than making me guess what you want.
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I think that social niceties are going the way of the horse and buggy.
I always shake my head about why can’t we be honest.
And the Irish goodbye is alive and well. It seems that while we can be so connected, some decide to not participate.
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I understand that viewpoint.
I do want to add about correspondence with my Dad. During college and the next few decades my Dad would send me (and many other people) envelopes of various articles he thought would be of interest. Also lots of scraps of paper with thoughts and memories he’d jot down. Sometimes there was a letter too. When envelope got nice and fat, he’d mail it… sometimes with insufficient postage. Although it made me feel special to receive those envelopes, I rarely reciprocated (except for an occasional phone call). But we both knew we were loved.
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I don’t have the excuse of ADHD or reduced phone access; I just hate texting. It’s tiny and I can’t use both hands to type. My aunt sometimes texts me and I always reply because I’d feel guilty otherwise. But I would never initiate texting with anyone, and sometimes my reply is, “I’ll email you” (and then I do).
You’re right that some people interpret phone calls as “something wrong,” but in my family we have the default of saying first, “everything’s fine…” on the phone, if it is. My sisters and I talk on the actual phone a few times a week. We also have a family WhatsApp but again, it’s tiny and hard to type and I don’t like it (my husband says I can do it on the desktop with both hands but I haven’t done that yet).
One thing for sure is, I don’t think you can read anything into his lack of texting back, if he’s nice to you in person. (He might think it’s hostile that you asked about photos directly. I don’t know why, but the 20s generation seems to think a lot of things are hostile in written communication, including using punctuation. I’ve clashed occasionally with my own children about this topic.)
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While you always mean well with regard to your nephew, your past threads and posts suggest that they have caused you quite a lot of consternation over the past several years (e.g. this picture issue, dishonestly hiding their college dropout, putting you in a position where felt like you might have to lie for them, dominating the dinner table conversation with an issue you didn’t want to discuss, discomfort about gifts). Maybe your nephew has picked up on your discomfort and wants some distance for both your sakes? Or maybe they just don’t respond to texts.
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Maybe so - on either one or both of those
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