When you see him at Thanksgiving ask him if he would prefer to get fewer texts or prefers emails or a card. You can also say something like, “Am I being old fashioned that I expect a thumbs-up response?” Honestly, I can’t figure out why you’d even be texting to ask about picture taking at Thanksgiving. If he wants to absent himself from the photo he can do it when you pull the camera out. In our family always put up a tripod and take the Thanksgiving photo of everyone and then try not to bug people for the rest of the holiday.
Kids are different. Both my kids are 30-something. My oldest never responds to texts or emails, my youngest responds only if we ask a question and he tends to consider emails more worthy of answers.
Not necessarily speaking about @Hoggirl’s nephew here, but for many people with anxiety this sort of questioning and prodding may be well-intentioned but is exactly the sort of interaction that they so desperately want to avoid.
But then what are we suppose to do? Just guess? That doesn’t usually end well either. I feel like a friendly “am I bugging you, because I can stop” is about as low key as an introvert can hope to encounter.
So, I can help deflect if he gets pressured by others (mil) on the day. I’m trying to be helpful. I would personally like photos that included him, but if he wants to skip them, that’s fine, too.
Yes, we try to do one TG sofa selfie of the whole family (whoever is gathered together), and then we have a fun family two person “cousin pose,” (my ds and nephew are both only children and each others’ only first cousins). Lots of different pairs of those even among the non-cousins, but then I put the phone/camera up. Mil tends to over photo.
me too! I want to be (even a peripheral) part of their life, and an occasional text, or IG forward, or link to an article seems harmless. But it is often so one sided that I feel defeated. It’s ironic that people say I need to understand how it isn’t personal, but when I am in the room once or twice a year, together, they spend most of their time texting someone who needs an answer so I assume there is a rubric that excludes me so how is that not personal? These are adults in their 30’s, not teens. I am baffled and discouraged but I get that it is out of my control, and I’m not angry…I just miss them.
I am not going to tell anyone what to do, but what I personally would try to do is read the social cues and take the hint. Not everything is about me. My direct approach isn’t necessarily their approach.
An introvert can hope to avoid the encounter where the well-meaning person bugs them to ask whether they should stop.
Yep. An introvert will be bugged by being asked if they are being bugged. And if someone asks again and again about different issues, they may try to avoid that person and/or will give a less than honest answer if they feel it will get them out of the uncomfortable confrontation. Even if the person means well and considers themselves an ally. Introverts are tricky.
But then aren’t we back to @greenbutton ’s point about our all just trying to guess what they want?
Feels like being caught between a rock and a hard place.
I’m very late in responding but my take is if the relationship is important to you, to keep working on it. Especially if things are good in person with your nephew, maybe just ask his preferred mode of communication when you see him next.
I looked back at your original post because I “know” you really truly mean well and are trying to understand why the communication issues.
Some thoughts. None may be accurate or right.
He’s 32. The pic comment may have made him feel like he’s being protected like a 10 year old.
He may be socially awkward and be embarrassed about being asked about the pic thing. It may create anxiety for him that someone has noticed he didn’t want to be in the pic.
I’m not saying you are not, but make sure you are treating him like the 32 year old he is and not the 17 year old you remember like it was yesterday! Darn, they grow older so fast!
Again if he is fine with you at family occasions for now accept that - maybe by 35 he will be at a different stage of communication.
Again, I don’t know the complete dynamic of your situation, but I find that in dealing with my introverts that it is extremely important to respect their boundaries even if they are unspoken boundaries (and of course they will be for an introvert) and that even well-meaning confrontations about their boundaries rarely helps them. Being available and supportive of an introvert is very challenging in that support is largely unspoken, and there is guesswork involved.
Why not just ask him (nicely) when you’re together? Something along the lines of, “You are important to me, and I’d like to keep our connection, do you have a preferred way you’d like me to reach out?”
My hyper introverted relative married a happy-go-lucky extrovert who is happy to talk about anything at any time.
So I asked her “does it annoy Roger when I reach out to him?” and she replied, “if you want a response, cc me. If you don’t care about a response, just reach out to him they way you have been doing and know that he considers you an important part of his life”.
Done and done. So there’s hope once there’s a spouse in the picture!
“So, I can help deflect if he gets pressured by others (mil) on the day. I’m trying to be helpful. I would personally like photos that included him, but if he wants to skip them, that’s fine, too.”
Did he ask you to help deflect pressure? He’s 32 years old. You don’t need to run interference for him. I sense that this picture is more important to you than this cousin. (((hugs)))
