I read here all the time and kind of feel bad because I only post when my daughter is causing me problems but here we go again. Oldest D is a 19 and soon to be 20 year old sophomore at a well-regarded public (Big 10) school. She now has 3 alcohol related incidents in the past year: an underage ticket from campus police last winter, a citation along with a big group for public intoxication from campus police in September (after a football game), and now an arrest for underage drinking along with 3 of her friends from our hometown police on New Year’s Eve (or as my poor husband will attest 3:30 AM on January 1…) The first two were handled entirely within the school system and after she paid the tickets, attended some classes and did some community service they closed out the cases without disciplining her any further. This one I’m a lot more worried about since it’s a criminal charge. We’re getting a lawyer. On top of all this she also started smoking cigarettes in the last year which trust me has me MAD as heck!
So the first thought was to pull her out of college until she can act like an adult, but on the other hand…she has a 3.9 GPA in a hard major, has leadership roles in 2 clubs and a sorority, and has a job in her college town and an internship for this summer. She’s generally killing it. She has been upfront about drinking with DH and I even before the first “incident,” doesn’t drink at home, doesn’t have a car on campus or drive to parties here that she thinks there might be alcohol at.
Basically I know I have an irresponsible kid who needs to stop drinking underage. What I don’t know is whether this is what every other parents of a college sophomore has or whether I need to take some more serious steps. I’ve grounded her and I’m making her pay every penny of what this arrests costs, but what else can I do?
You have a normal college student who has a propensity to get caught. She is also showing a disregard for consequences, which is a concern. I’m not saying all the drinking incidents are at all OK, but they are not unusual. I would be VERY upset about the smoking. That’s just stupid. Somehow your daughter needs to understand the consequences of her behavior and what CAN happen (sexual assault, the criminal charge she now has, etc).
My daughter (not a problem child or irresponsible drinker) told me that it is hard to tell if someone has a drinking problem in college because everybody drinks so much. It’s behavior after college that is telling. My son and his classmates (Ivy) drank a LOT and also reported incidents of people they took to the ER who were passed out in the street in the middle of campus on more than one occasion. It’s all pretty frightening.
Sounds like she’s always in the wrong place/wrong time. If she is still doing so well in school, obviously it is not taking over her life. Does she get spending money from you? If so, maybe you need to cut off that spickett. Obviously, make her pay all lawyer fees, and maybe talk to a counselor at school, or her advisor, so they can keep an eye on things.
I always maintain the legal age should be 18, once kid are in college, they should be allowed to not “hide” drinking. It was legal when I was in college. Good luck, but if her grades start to flounder, you need to re address.
It’s not that she drinks that is concerning, but how much she is (evidently) drinking and how she (evidently) is behaving when she is drunk. Police don’t arrest students for public intoxication just because they’ve had five beers. And police don’t break up parties of college students who are drinking, just because they’re drinking. How would the police even know about a party unless it was causing problems? Police are typically a lot more concerned about minors drinking than about 20-year-olds drinking.
I agree that each of these has felt like wrong place/wrong time but DH and I just have to wonder after the 3rd time in a year whether there’s a more serious problem with rules and consequences. I do feel a little better because at least she hasn’t been putting herself at the risk of serious danger–or at least not that I know of yet. The first was from a party that got broken up after noise complaints, the second time she was in a big group, and this week she was at a bar where older friends had passed back drinks and the police came to do an ID check (which on New Years Eve I imagine must be like shooting fish in a barrel). So all “normal” college kid stuff (and stuff that I did when I was in college)…but she gets caught. A lot.
@ZBD5421 DH and I are paying her tuition and give her a few bucks (never more than 20) when she comes home to visit, but she works about 20 hours a week in her college town so she has money even without us. DH floated the idea of having her direct-deposit her paychecks into an account we control, but kids this age are going to find a way to drink regardless, and I’m not sure how much cutting her off from her own money will help.
While a lot of kids drink, not all of them do it to excess, use fake ID’s or get written up and arrested 3 times, twice in one semester. I can’t help but wonder about the number of times she HASN’T been caught. As for the great grades, let me say that I have a sibling with alcohol problems. They drink only after work, until they pass out. Their work record is stellar, they have moved up well in the company. Their coworkers would not think that they are an alcoholic. But, they are. While I wouldn’t go so far as to say your D is an alcoholic, there might be the possibility that she can stay “dry” long enough for school and school work but lets all the stops out once she is done and is drinking much more than the average student.
I think I’m with Cardinal Fang here-this is more than a simple wrong place, wrong time…THREE times. I know there are alcohol use assessments-perhaps you need to have her take one and maybe do some serious self-examination. I think maybe some kind of consequence is needed beyond just paying the fees-the number of contacts with the police concern me.
We had a similar experience with our S. He was top of his class. Got a full ride to big state u. He and his friends were the prototypes of “work hard/play hard”. They partied in h.s. but never got caught. Went off to college where he and his 4 friends got a underage possession ticket in the first week of sch. They hadn’t even been drinking yet. Cop saw them leaving the 7-Eleven and gave them all tickets. Went to the Alcohol Edu. Class at the Univ. We never knew about it.
After freshman year, he was at home for 4th of July. A friend was deploying to the Middle East so they were having a “going away party”. Went out driving around town. Cop pulled them over…drinking ticket #2 . He had to pay a fine (yes, he paid) and did a lot community service hours in his college town.
I’d like to tell you that he stopped drinking but that would be a lie. I think he did get more mindful of where he was and who was around. He and his friends moved off campus after freshman yr.
The good news is…he handled himself and didn’t get any more tickets after freshman year. He graduated with honors while working 20 hours/week. He’s now an Officer in the Navy.
Hopefully there is a way to get her to understand that she must learn to watch how much she drinks and what she drinks. I get so frustrated when I see all the flavored vodkas as the liquor store check out. It takes too many years for kids to figure out they can have just as much fun on 2 glasses of wine as they can on shots of tequila.
S1 has graduated and has a great job. He is still paying us for the $700 fine, the court costs and the emergency room visit for hurting his leg all associated with a St. Patricks Day event. Grrrrrrr
I suggest not getting her a lawyer. Forcing her to navigate her own way through the legal system is likely to be the best lesson you can give her right now.
As concerned as I would be about about the repeated drinking incidents, I would be FURIOUS about the smoking…an expensive, dirty, unhealthy habit that only gets worse. I just don’t get young people starting that nasty habit.
I also agree with sseamom that the three “got caught” incidents are probably the tip of the iceberg…
Agree with all the posters–the caught incidents are tip of iceberg and don’t count the many uncaught incidences. I would be concerned about the smoking AND drinking. This was a problem with a young relative. His parent didn’t know what to do, the kid refused counseling and any other intervention. Eventually, he was arrested for something else, went to jail and is now working with his probation officer to figure out what comes next. Not saying your kid will necessarily go down this path (and certainly hope your kid doesn’t), but am just very concerned.
Would Al-Anon help? http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ They are supposed to be for families and friends of problem drinkers. I would classify 3 incidents with authorities for alcohol in one term a “problem drinker.” I would not classify 3 incidents with authorities for drinking in one term as “normal.”
While you have every reason to be upset about the fact that she has been “caught” 3 times, meaning there are likely plenty more drinking excesses, that still seems fairly normal to me. HOWEVER, I would be off the wall about the smoking. It will lead to so many tremendous health issues. It’s not cool now, even if it once was. I’d like to find out why she started smoking-to lose weight?-does it cut down on her eating? I would see if there is a way to get help with that addiction. Make her sit and watch all those graphic commercials they run now about people dying from smoking? Really, I would be thinking of serious ways to interfere with her ability to smoke.
Many alcoholics are high functioning, so I wouldn’t use her 3.9 as an indicator that she does not have a drinking problem.
What is her major? If she needs a professional license down the road, the drinking conviction can destroy her career before she ever gets a chance to start.
The fact that she is smoking makes me more suspicious that she might have an alcohol problem, or more accurately, a drug problem. I’m wondering if she is using other drugs than alcohol and tobacco. It’s strange to start smoking at age 19 or 20.
I know a young lady who was an avid drinker in college. One who did crazy things when she drank too much…she ended up doing a video that she incredibly ashamed of. Inhibitions & modesty tend to fly out the window when liquor starts to flow. Sex with unknown partners & being a victim of a horrible crime (Hannah Graham comes to mind).
I always found that cautionary tales in the news would help my kids to see that I wasn’t just being a nag or old fashioned. That Yes! Bad things do & can happen when you are drunk, hang with the wrong crowd, decide to dabble in drugs, etc. Maybe you should pull up some news articles from the internet about nights of debauchery and the subsequent consequences.
Also have her read some statistics about lung, mouth and throat cancer. I bet a few google images of large, grotesque tumors would have her think twice about shoving a cancer stick into her mouth again!
Cigarettes are also very expensive where is she getting the money? They are $10/pack here in CT. That’s an awful lot of wasted money!
It sounds like the school punishments were not that harsh which may be why she wasn’t concerned about continuing to drink. Frankly, she sounds a bit arrogant and overly influenced by her friends/sorority. The smoking is probably a sorority affectation. I was in a sorority and am not anti Greek but some sorority girls do fit the stereotype.
I would definitely use a lawyer but not shield her from the process. She talks to the lawyer, does the paperwork, attends the court dates, etc.
If she were my child I would tell her that if she is caught again that we would pull her out of school for a semester. Only you and your husband can decide if you would go through such a punishment.
A number of college girls start smoking for weight control- even very, very intelligent ones. I absolutely hate that they do this.
Fake IDs are rampant- as I have posted before. When my son moved into his Penn dorm, every single boy on his floor (and every girl he dated) had a fake ID. They were all comparing them. Heck, I had one back in 1971!
Alcoholism can have a genetic component. Do any other family members (not just your immediately family, but also aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) deal with excessive drinking, drugging, gambling, or any other impulsive behavior.
I second the Al-Anon recommendation. If you are bothered by your daughter’s behavior, you might want to check out this group.