Do I let him go broke?

Parent Cafe
141

<p>My budget process was pretty “simple.” I applied for merit & FAid every year. I was given a budget by the U as well as merit & FAid. I would get a disbursement from the U every term and was expected to make it last the entire term. I also never asked my folks for ANY money. They did insist that I fly home every summer and bought the plane ticket. I didn’t get any other funds from them. I used money I earned from work study and summer to buy what I needed. I have never had a “budget” per se for our home or my education. I would spend what was required for tuition, used books, room and board, and earn the rest.</p>

<p>There are a lot of ways for kids to entertain themselves inexpensively, especially if the others around them are doing so. There are also a lot of ways to blow through a LOT of money very quickly–either by paying for everyone or by not paying attention to where the money is going.</p>

<p>It was very helpful to me to write down every penny I spent on file cards and just keep track of where my funds were going. Having a credit card that I paid off regularly was another good way of tracking where my funds were being spent, especially reconciling the receipts with the statement.</p>

142

<p>My friend’s daughter ran out of money freshman year and wrote a $13 check on a closed account for feminine products. Friend decided not to bail her out in order to “teach her a lesson.”</p>

<p>At 35, with a 6 figure income and a high power job, she still does not qualify for some credit situations because of her conviction at 19. In turn, all of his co-signing for her has impacted his credit. He figures that $13 check has cost his family $20,000 over the years.</p>

<p>Yes, let them suffer a bit when they run out of money, but don’t let things get out of hand or everyone suffers.</p>

143

<p>Interesting. Maybe some banker-type person could comment on this because if I had the time I could tell quite a few similar stories about an unpaid debt that had to be taken care of later. But it was really not all that difficult to clean up the little messes.</p>

144

<p>Writing a check on a closed account is considered check fraud- it is basically stealing from the store where the purchase was made. </p>

<p>If this bounced check just went to a collection agency it would impact credit for about 7 years, especially if it was never taken care of. </p>

<p>17 years later, it would not appear on her credit. Friends D may still be abusing her credit.</p>

145

<p>Understood. But they give you plenty of chances to take care of it. Even my financially illiterate teenager would find 13-dollars before getting himself convicted of check fraud. And deciding not to bail out a kid who blows through the budget is one thing. Not paying 13 bucks to avoid a criminal record is something else again.</p>

146

<p>Just thought I’d come back to the thread I started to give you an update. My son (a senior) seems to be doing better so far, only about 20% under budget with his money that I gave him to last the rest of the year. I think he just might be trying to handle this, and if he’s broke during finals week, I’ll add a little dining dollars.
Unfortunately I’m hearing from him less, but I guess that’s the way it goes for now.</p>

<p>Something about the baby boomer generation definitely went really wrong with child rearing. Maybe we were so happy to do for our children, because we could…unlike the way we grew up. But it doesn’t help them, it only makes us feel good.</p>

147

<p>almostgrad- good for you! I remember once my dad saying no to me, it was really hard for me to ask for help too, it hurt. ( I was a freshman in college) Years later I am so thankful for the no. I learned a lot about my needs and myself. I have used that lesson as an anecdote for my children. He was right. I understood that years later. I hope you get that same acknowledgement from your son. Best wishes!</p>

148

<p>Thanks, and I’m happy to say that he sounds so busy with presentations, essays, etc. that he’ll only have time to order a pizza!</p>

149

<p>Thanks for the update. Stay strong. He’ll thank you later.</p>

150

<p>My update … we put $40 in her acct because they had an away football game and she needed to eat. That night I saw on her twitter that she went to Buffalo Wild Wings. The next day she came home and spent some time with friends at a local Mexican restaurant. Then I saw a twitter post about Starbucks and last night another about going out for some egg drop soup. I am pretty sure she went on the cheap every place she went, but still. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Live and learn. The girl is going to be broke, and she will be responsible for finding her own babysitting jobs while down for breaks. I am getting tired of doing everything for her. rant over.</p>

151

<p>What really shocked me was that a friend must have tipped him off to Groupon, (better to hear it from a friend), and I see on his facebook page that he gets coupons 2 for 1 at Chipotle! Its amazing how creative they get when they have to.</p>

152

<p>Great advice for the parent whose adult child is lacking in budgeting skills - show them how to plan a real budget - how to sock some away for the unexpected - what is left over for fun, etc. Then they have a better chance of sticking to the budget, and understanding what could (or did) make it go awry, and how to get back on track. </p>

<p>Most kids who go through money are well-intentioned, but have very little idea of how all the little stuff adds up to a lot.</p>

<p>My older son is generous to a fault - he treats his friends. Once I found that out, I talked to him about how every student has to do it on their own at this stage in their lives - he should cough up some gas money if someone else is driving, but that’s it.</p>

<p>My younger son is naturally frugal - he’s spent $1.50 so far this Fall other than his required books.</p>

153

<p>@almostgrad- I have a unique answer for you, but my answer will be in a form of a story so bear with me.</p>

<p>I am currently studying at a community college, and these past years I have not depended on my parents. My parents can’t pay for my fees due to financial problems, so I have worked these past years at food shops, retails, and currently tutoring on the side.</p>

<p>Years ago, when I was in high school I got $20 every week from my father and sometimes from my mother as well. For me at the time, $20 was nothing because I’d spend it all before the week was over. I’d often not eat, even though the money was for me to eat at school, and I’d save it up to buy coins in a game I played at the time.</p>

<p>When I got to college, I received about 3k every quarter from Financial Aid, and like my high school years I also blew this large amount of money every quarter, and I also pulled a 5k loan. During this time, I didn’t understand how hard it was to earn money, and so I got myself a job at the Flea Market to teach me to value money. Unfortunately, I still received financial aid at the time so my job at the Flea Market was useless on teaching me any life lessons. However, after this job, I worked at Sear’s, I tutored, and I made sandwiches to get by. The biggest lesson I learned was how to value money because when I worked at Sear’s and the sandwich shop, I was getting minimum wage and had to put up with a lot of crap from co-workers and customers, so I began to think about how I could move up. As of now, I not only know how to value money but also understand life and my purpose as a human being. I currently tutor part-time, and I recently started my own business where I design and manufacture crab snares. All of this would not have been achieved had I lived under my parents’ shadows and received their hard earned money. I know this may be hard for you to realize, but all parents love their children and want to do whatever it takes to please them. However, do not pamper your child with money because in the end, what if you’re not there? This is the question I ask myself everyday, not because I’m paranoid but because I want to stand on my feet to take care of myself.</p>

<p>Anyway, as for your son, I’d recommend you discontinue your funds to him to teach him a lesson. However, I think you should help him here and there, like car insurance and such, since you probably bought it for him in the first place, but you shouldn’t just hand him money to spend. Also, you should talk to him about money managing skills. As for him, he should get a job through craigslist ads or something to immerse himself and to fund his frat life because this is the only way he will understand the value of money, and maybe he’ll reconsider that $250 bottle of Hennessy’s.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, my knowledge is limited due to my experience at my community college, but what I am saying is true not just for college but life as well. I may not be in a frat, but when I transfer next year to a university I am prepared to challenge whatever comes to me. Until then, I wish you the best with your son.</p>

<p>EDIT: I apologize. I mis-read due to lack of sleep. </p>

<p>So, your son worked and you are reimbursing him with his own money…Okay. So, as a 21 year old I find this troublesome as well because I think I am an adult and should be in control of my own money. </p>

<p>You need to let go of your son because he can take care of himself. He worked for that money so he can spend it, what is the problem? Are you afraid he’ll be in debt? If so, give him the chance to manage his own money. He’s an adult now and should learn that on his own; if not now, then when?</p>

154

<p>bluntly, you have got to be kidding. He earned, it is his. He runs out of money, to bad, an early in life invaluable learning lesson. It won’t hurt him to go hungry for a few days. longer then that, then he moves home to get back on his feet having learned a lesson.
I went to school in 1970. Received not a penny from parents save a $10 gift from mom every few months. Had to work three jobs in summer and at least one during school and did just fine. When I ran out of cigarette money, I did not smoke, no beer money, same answer. I grew up to be a major university professor of medicine. Stop coddling and let him grow up.</p>

155

<p>Our son was the same way, constantly needing more $$. Tuition was paid but there was always something else in addition to the fraternity & rent and we did not have anything more to give. We finally told him that he would have to deplete his minimum savings account & take out student loans. The loans are not subsidized because the government thinks we are rich, (we are not), so the interest accrues every month. It seems to have taught him that he is on his own and not getting any more handouts from M&D.</p>

156

<p>I feel your pain. We have a freshman son who does get a monthly allowance and runs through it in a week. He has the top of the line meal plan, a comfortable dorm room, books, etc. so… not real happy he can run thru his discretionary money in days.
We have cut him off from the allowance and told him to get a job on campus or come home weekends to work one day ( he has a job waiting). They have to learn now - but I do fully understand your question. I just dont want to deprive my son of the life lesson both my husband and I learned in college, sometimes you say no. We both learned we couldnt go to every concert, eat out every weekend, party our money away. It stays with you when you start working. Let him run out of money, then he will say " No I cant, I’m broke."</p>

157

<p>My son was awful (and still is at times) with money management…in a frat, had to have car…Sounds JUST like us. HOWEVER…I totally disagree with all the others who say to “give him his money” but here’s why. </p>

<p>Yes, he’s older, but clearly not ready for this responsibility, so age is MENTAL here not chronological. AND…you can bet your sweet dollar he won’t be saving for his after graduation apartment, electricity deposits, phone bills, etc. SO…</p>

<p>What WE did was that we sat son down and took apartments listings, called the electric company, gas company and water folks to ask their deposit fees in the town where he was offered a job. We added this all up and subtracted it from his savings. He quickly saw how fast this went and agreed to a set budget amount. Now, it wasn’t that we were being MEAN, but he had a REASON to want to keep hold of that money.</p>

<p>Fact is he wanted to move OUT more than he wanted to party senior year. IF he’s running through money like water, honestly, he’s probably paying for everyone’s pizza and beer like my kid was…and they’ll let him as long as the money doesn’t dry up. </p>

<p>My advice is this: Talk to your son on his MENTAL age level and get him to understand by real life example how expensive “after graduation” will truly BE. Then, get him an honest expression of housing, car expenses (including HIS OWN INSURANCE), groceries, eating out, movies, etc and explain that you’re not withholding money, but ensuring he will be ABLE to move out in 6 months. </p>

<p>THEN (and this is important)…>CUT HIM OFF!!! If he’s working, cut him off totally. No more bank of mommy. ADULTS do not need the bank of mommy. My son learned a few hard lessons in the first 6 months of adulthood, but he’s getting better. He’s now working two jobs to make rent and give himself a cushion, but that’s ok…won’t hurt him at all.</p>

158

<p>I value simplicity. Give them a monthly stipend that they have to manage. I calculated the stipend my children received on the cost of R&B at the dorms. This is enough for reasonable housing and food in an apartment. If they wanted a nicer apartment (they did), they needed to get a job to supplement the stipend…or else the wouldn’t eat. Food is a great motivator! The job experience has proven very valuable as a bonus!</p>

159

<p>Sorry I am late to the game and did not read all the responses. To the OP:</p>

<p>If he wants to play the “I earned it” game, then the game I play is: “It is your college education, have fun paying for it”.</p>

<p>Summer earnings go into a pot. They get 10% free and clear. The rest goes into a college expense fund that I control. College expenses and a weekly allowance are paid out of that fund. If it runs dry, then I pick up the balance. They can ask for extra expenses (books, club fees, etc.). If they want to contribute $50 to the frat party, then that’s out of their 10%.</p>

<p>If a kid was stupid enough to play the “I earned it game”, then I don’t pay one penny until their money is spent. Tuition and room and board, would wipe out their funds pretty quickly, including their 10% free and clear money. Depending upon how badly they wasted their money prior to going broke, their weekly allowance may get a little thin, or it would be tough to get me to pay for extras, such as a college sweat shirt, or tickets to the school’s football game.</p>

160

<p>I haven’t read the whole thread either but my comment is targeted at anyone reading with younger kids - do not wait until college to teach your kids about finances/budgeting.
Talk about living within one’s means and delayed gratification. My kids all started working/saving at a young age - jobs like babysitting, dog walking, caddying.<br>
They enjoyed getting paid for their hard work, saving and spending within their means. They like to earn/manage their own money and none has every blown through their money to the point of having to come begging. Likewise, we don’t hover and control their savings/spendings.</p>