My granddaughter, who I adopted when she was 6, is now in her senior year at a blue ribbon high school. I have been unemployed for a year and have gone through our savings. I have been offered a job and salary that is perfect. However it is out of state. We originally lived there, and have family before we moved to where we currently live. I am struggling with the academics, emotional stability, logic of leaving her with family here, or moving her with me. She is well grounded I her life and an excellent student. AP classes, concurrent enrollment in college classes, etc. I would appreciate thoughts, experiences, suggestions.
What does she want to do? If she wants to stay and is mature enough to handle it then letting her stay for her senior year may be the best option. Changing senior year is tough.
What does she want to do? If she wants to stay, I would let her stay.
She wants to stay.
How do you feel about the family you will be leaving her with? I would consider letting her stay if I felt comfortable in the situation that I was leaving her in. You also don’t mention how far away it is and can you easily visit and remain involved in her life?
I’m going to agree with the others. I know kids who moved their senior year and never adjusted. I know kids who moved and did fabulous. If she really wants to stay, if she’s mature enough to handle the responsibility, if her current school is academically better, if her in-state college options are better where she is, then I would let her stay. It would be a good litmus test in preparing to go away to college.
BTW - giant kudos for raising your granddaughter. That is a big commitment and you should be generously rewarded!
I would not hesitate to let her stay. You’ve obviously done a great job in raising her. She sounds ready to put into practice what she has learned from you.
I agree with others. She wants to stay and seems mature. She will soon be spreading her wings anyway, and after doing an excellent job with her, you need to focus on you. She will always be in your life.
If she wants to stay and you are comfortable with the family she will stay with, I’d probably go that route so as not to upset the apple cart when your granddaughter is settled and doing so well. I would discuss ahead of time having her come to you for school vacations, settle on a list of colleges to apply to in advance, let the school know of the arrangement for her last year etc.
And I echo the comments above – it is wonderful that you were able to adopt and raise your granddaughter and it sounds like you have raised a lovely young lady. Congratulations and all the best to both of you moving forward.
Let her stay…but do talk to the school. Because you won’t be residents, and you are her adoptive parents, she might have to pay tuition. OTOH, some schools will waive this under these circumstances.
I also think she should stay if you are both comfortable with the arrangement. I admire your ability to put her needs in front of your own!
If she will be applying to public universities next year, make sure you carefully check residency requirements. In-state tuition eligibility is usually based on where the parent lives. Find out the rules for both of the states involved before she starts the application process so that you don’t have any financial surprises.
@thumper1 - I believe the way around this is to grant temporary guardianship to the relatives she would be staying with. Doing so also gives the relatives permission to sign forms and make medical decisions for her. These details would definitely need to be worked out, but shouldn’t be the driving force in the decision. One detail that could be a driving force in the decision would be graduation requirements. If your granddaughter moves to a new state, will she have all the credits she needs to graduate there by the end of the school year? In some states, the school districts can also set their own requirements, so you’d need to check specifically with the high school.
The family we bought our house from moved across country with two high school aged daughters. We had heard the girls were NOT happy. Turned out the mom had to move back with the oldest and rent an apartment so she could finish up school. I don’t know the full story, but some kids just don’t adjust to well to changes like that. I also suggest asking your granddaughter what she wants.
Academically, it will be better if she stays. She may not be able to get the classes she wants.
Friend-wise, it will be better if she stays.
Family-wise, it will be worse for you and a little worse for her…
What is the family like that she would stay with? Do they have children? What ages?
What would their expectations of her be? Will she do chores?
Who pays for her clothes/food, etc?
Will she have transportation? Will they be willing to drive her to school, friends, after school activities?
If she stays put, then you two should work out a mutual method of keeping in touch…Daily Facetime? Also would she be expected to come stay with you during vacations? It would be good for the family she stays with to get a break and for you two to see each other.
What if it is not going well with the family? Make sure you get feedback from her.
Yes, find out the rules for state residency for tuition purposes for both states, with respect to the “stay” case and the “move” case.
State residency usually follows the parent for traditional age college students. There may also be waiting periods (e.g. the parent and student must live in the new state for a year before gaining residency). Some states allow a student who graduates from high school after enough attendance to either be considered a resident or have a the non-resident additional tuition waived. The latter rule, if it exists in the current state, may be helpful in the “stay” case.
In the worst case, she may have no state residency for tuition purposes in any state universities, at least for the first year.
Of course, if the states in question effectively allow a choice of state residency for tuition purposes, also investigate which states’ universities will be more affordable. For example, a high financial need student is much more likely to be able to afford in-state public university costs after financial aid as a California resident than as a Pennsylvania resident.
My parents moved me to a new state the summer before my senior year. I wanted to stay and they forced me. I’ve never forgiven them and it was 35+ years ago.
If she was adopted at age 6, we know nothing of the circumstances or the repercussions of them, but does she have issues with transitions, or with abandonment and so on? I am not assuming, and you don’t need to answer, but those things would color my decisions.
Is there any chance you can stay one more year and take that job after she leaves for college? I understand there are financial challenges involved. But it seems a shame to raise her for 11 years and not be there for the 12th.
I don’t seem to have the clarity other posters have on this. It really depends on your relationship and how much she needs from you. And I am hoping your new home is close enough so you could see her once a week.
I would let her stay and finish out her senior year if she has someone you trust that will care for her in your absence. My mom moved us in the middle of my junior year. My oldest sibling had already graduated, the next in line was a senior and she drove back and forth to our previous district to finish her last year of school. I was left to try and mix in with a bunch of kids who had known each other most of their lives (if not at least a few years!). It was awful graduating with people that barely or didn’t know me at all. I wouldn’t do that to my kids if I had other options.
A lot depends on two things:
- Her relationship with the family she would stay with.
- Whether she would have to repeat a year of high school if she moves with you. This can happen in some cases because states have different graduation requirements, and students tend to be horrified at the possibility.
I read OP’s first post as saying that she was considering leaving her D with family members, not an unrelated family.
It sounds like she is well adjusted and is not being abandoned, as she is being given a choice. I do agree with checking residency requirements. If she wants to go instate in the new state, OP’s living there for one year might help with that.
If she wants to stay and you are comfortable with the family she will be staying with, I’d say let her stay. How far away will you be? She / you could visit weekends. She could come stay with you over school breaks, etc. Looking ahead to college, residency issues need to be researched if she’s looking at public universities in either state (current state or state you are moving to). Also looking ahead to college, letters of recommendation from teachers & counselors who know her well will be easier to come by at her current school.
Many, many years ago I attended high school in 3 different states, including a move to a new state summer before my senior year. I was not happy about it, but it turned out okay. In many ways, always being “the new girl” made me more resilient. It also made me value friendship differently.