<p>I would get my D as far away from the “mom caller” as soon as possible. These kind of kids and their mom’s are nothing but TROUBLE. They will make your D miserable with their sense of entitlement and arrogance. They will NEVER understand another point of view because they are simply not interested. The way they go about getting what they want is often unethical and done with little thought to the feelings of anyone else. Trust me, don’t waste another second thinking this girl will come around, she has had 18 yrs. of mommy sticking her nose into everyone’s business. Get D moved to another dorm ASAP and let the school know it is because of bullying (it would be nice if she could take Singapore girl with her as her parents might not be as savvy as to how bullying in the US is not supposed to be tolerated).</p>
<p>My concerns as well about cultural differences and what Singapore girl’s mother must be thinking.It is only wishful thinking on my part to talk to Singapore’s mother (no way to do it even if I would)My D gets her own things has her own printer etc. buys her own food to avoid this stuff .Is only dragged into this because Singapore has been asking her what to do about this nonsense that mean girls have been doing to her.Told D to talk to Dean of Students and see what happens.</p>
<p>I always did best with my kids by having them go to the on-campus resources. They are on the scene, not us. Plus your D can describe how she has been to the RA, and how the RA’s suggestions were tried but didn’t help. You are wise to have her go up the ladder of authority at this time, to see what choices are available to your D. </p>
<p>Does your D think she should go alone to the Dean of Students, or alongside the Singaporean student? Maybe 2 is better. </p>
<p>I still maintain that your D, if SHE so chooses, is in the appropriate position to write to the mom in Singapore (with the permission of the Singaporean roommate, of course) to just say what a fine roommate her D is. And that only if there’s a genuine concern - according to the roommate herself-- they might pull their D out of college over this. To me it sounds like they threatened her tuition from afar, because what else could they do from there? Could be an idle threat.</p>
<p>Just split or completely ignore, do not be bothered. Everything else is waste of time and nerves. Nobody will change, talk or no talk.
My D. was having the same roomate (in one small room) for 2 years. When D. mentioned that roommate junk bothers her, I said that talking to her will not change anything. D. needed to evaluate pros and cons staying with the girl and decide. Pros won by far. They have never become friends, but lived in blissful peace for 2 years.</p>
<p>My Freshman roomate’s mother used to try to pump me for information/dirt. I always politely but abruptly ended her phone calls and then reported the conversation directly to my roomie.</p>
<p>I just wanted to propose an alternative point of view.</p>
<p>I see NO problem with roommate’s mother calling Singapore girl’s mother IF that’s what Singapore girl wants and she allows it. Of course, it would be stipulated that this is a one time call because you believe everyone can handle their own business and you don’t want to meddle, but you want her to take other girl’s parents with a grain of salt because there’s some bullying going on. The problem with the D writing a letter is that she has less authority than the “adults”. It is all well and fine to say everyone is an adult here and should take care of their own business, but unfortunately the power imbalance is still very real between the parents and the kids.</p>
<p>What can Singapore girl’s parents do from afar? Are you kidding? They could easily make her life Hell and easily revoke tuition. What can Singapore girl do to counteract that? Nothing. Of course no phone calls should be made unless this is a pressing concern/threat. I would only have parents get involved in an emergency.</p>
<p>Quite frankly, though, it seems like Singapore girl is too much of a doormat to care enough to have anyone call or write her mother. At this point Singapore girl should really request a room change. Maybe her and your D can both room together somewhere else hah. If Singapore girl isn’t willing to take matters into her own hands, your D needs to stop hyperventilating about it. At some point people need to stand up for themselves and it really seems like Singapore girl isn’t the type to do it. I know it is hard because your D probably cares about her, but you give people your two cents and if they fail to follow through, that’s their business.</p>
<p>I had a sorta similar situation where my roommate was involved with a guy who was really bad for her that she would complain a lot about. I told her my two cents - he’s messing with you and you need to break it off - and refused to hear any more complaining and refused to stress out about it anymore. She never followed through on what I said but I just put my foot down and said if you can’t take care of yourself/stand up for yourself, that’s really not my problem. I’m all for speaking up when there’s an injustice but it’s too much of a burden for one person to bear if the other person is not pulling their weight/also sticking up for themselves.</p>
<p>I try to encourage my kids to speak up when they witness an injustice. I’m sure it’s an uncomfortable situation for your daughter, but she’s in a perfect position to make a difference. Next time one of the B-girls says something nasty or inappropriate, your D can offer a voice of reason and tolerance. However, I’d still encourage her (and Singapore girl) to get the heck outta there. And the ‘mom calling’??? wow.</p>
<p>Since your daughter recognizes that her suitmate is being mistreated by the pack than she could change the situation. Suggest to your daughter that she align herself with the girl from Singapore and when she sees an injustice take place she open her mouth nicely. The pack mentality will fall apart once it is on even ground.</p>
<p>By the way that mom calling the girls mother in Singapore is outrageous. That girl is a horrible little person for telling her mother of such a thing. I could not even imagine that poor girl getting a call from her mother after that phone call. I guess the nasty roommate knew just what button to press. Your daughter and this girl should get out of that room sooner rather than later. The mob mentality is a nasty thing.</p>
<p>The short answer to the OP’s question: No.</p>
<p>The only time I called my son’s roommate’s mom was when the 2 boys were traveling together over spring break freshman year. Our son checked in to say they had arrived safely. Room mate did not have a computer with him, phones didn’t work in that location. I called the other mom to tell her all was well. She was very happy to hear from me.</p>
<p>I doubt the girl from Singapore is as much of a doormat as she currently seems. She just isn’t worldly wise in the ways of the west. If she was that much of a wilting violet she wouldn’t have gotten on a plane and flown half way around the world to go to college.</p>
<p>The Mean Girls and the phoning mom are off the charts bad by the standard of their own culture. I hope Singapore can make her mother realize that she is dealing with a spoiled American Diva and her stagemother… Can’t imagine what mom in Singapore must be thinking - after all, if another parent is calling about her child, must be really bad, right?</p>
<p>bchan1 That is exactly what I am thinking.D would switch rooms but Singapore girl and mom calling girl share a room that is halve the size of D room and don’t think D could deal with that much closeness.Also wonder how Singapore girl and roommate are going to reconcile this for clearly a line has been crossed.</p>
<p>So the suitemates have rooms of unequal size? Maybe that’s what’s behind all the trouble being stirred up - your daughter and Singapore seem more reactive and by stirring the pot the little trouble maker has hopes of bettering her situation if by no other change than sending her rommate back to Singapore. It would be so sad to lose one’s roommate when their irrate parent forced them to return home but I’m sure she was planning to ‘soldier on’ in her new single room…</p>
<p>Up-date Singapore girl went to wellness center because she says parents are very strict and controlling and needed to get advice because it is a real fear they will bring her home.Girl also talked to her academic advisor who is going to call mother in Singapore tonight to intervene on her behalf also girl is asking for help from teacher that has connections with drama school in London to see if she can get scholarships in case parents pull plug on her here.D went to someone over RA and told story and they are going to have group meeting with mean girls and set boundries. No rooms to switch anyone to but maybe next semester.</p>
<p>Mabalab54- good for your daughter to advocate for on behalf of Singapore girl. Good for Singapore girl that she is lining up ducks…just in case.</p>
<p>I am inferring that Singapore girl is not a doormat, also posited above, given that she has left home, family, support, etc. to come here for school. Also thinking that the social currents are beyond her experience. Your daughter is a BIG help.</p>
<p>Why do I get the feeling it’s the girl and not the mother making these posts? </p>
<p>Anyway: here’s my advice to the young woman. Don’t put up with it. You pay rent, they pay rent. If they kick you out, go back in. If they ask for money for cereal you won’t eat, don’t give it to them. If you want to use your bed, just use it, don’t let them bully you out of it. If they sit there and laugh at you, just stand there and say “please get off my bed.” Just repeat it and repeat it, calmly. Eventually they’ll get tired of listening to you.</p>
<p>As for the Singaporean student, I would suggest going to the RA and explaining the situation again. If you’re not satisfied with the response, go to the Dean of Housing.</p>
<p>YOU DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH BULLYING.</p>
<p>Good for the young woman who got herself to a counselor and advisor for help. That is not doormat behavior. Good for OP’s D who is acting as a caring, concerned suitemate. </p>
<p>The school knows, the girls are handling it, no need for anyone’s mom to be involved.</p>
<p>Both the OP’s D and the Singaporean girl are taking the right steps. Good for both of you!</p>
<p>
I will add:
beyond encouraging positive, compassionate actions</p>
<p>I disagree. I think that if the OP wants to call Singapore, or email Singapore parents to provide another view point she should. This girl needs someone to stick up for her. It could be along the lines of “my daughter and I want you to know that your daughter is doing well, and she is in a difficult roommate situation but overall is behaving as one would hope.” I mean if I got a phone call from someone talking trash about my kid, I would love to here someone sticking up for him.</p>
<p>Unless the OP is Asian or is extremely familiar with the various Asian cultures, I don’t think she should call the girl from Singapore’s parents under any circumstances. No matter how good her intent, there is too much risk of saying something culturally inappropriate and making matters worse.</p>