<p>I would say calling the girl’s parents, unless you know them, probably wouldn’t do anything, unfortunately, as the cur who called the parents knows too well, ill gossip even from a stranger carries a lot more weight then kind words, as they say it is a lot easier to damage a reputation then rebuild it. Without knowing her, the mom calling to give a good account of the Singapore girl would probably be treated as suspect, people from traditional cultures like that tend to view everyone in the US as too permissive and such so would treat it with suspicion I am pretty sure. </p>
<p>All you can hope is there is some justice in the world and the mother and daughter get back in spades what they put out, people that ugly generally get what is due them, and you can bet that the girl will end up marrying someone similar to her mom <em>yuck</em>.</p>
<p>I am glad the girl is standing up for herself, and making plans in case she has to buck her parents. I know a little about Singapore, I have several friends who were raised there and it is a very conservative society (at least on the surface, from what I hear the layer beneath the surface isn’t so…). I suspect the creeping crud of a mother called knowing that…and especially where it comes to girls, the attitudes there are not very different then Victorian ideas of things. In any event, the girl getting help for herself is a wonderful step, she is taking her own life into her hands, which is not a doormat. The reason the other girls bully her isn’t because she is weak, it is because they know as someone from a different place halfway around the world, the girl is not in her element. Put yourself in her place, going to a school in Singapore or China, and imagine what that would be like…</p>
<p>As far as D goes, the best thing she can do is support the Singapore girl, let her know what she is doing is the right thing and that she has done nothing wrong. If they can shift rooms (not sure about the thing with D and singapore girl being in a small room together) I suspect that would take a lot of wind out of the two witches of MacBeth’s sails and would give them their own space to get away from the other two.</p>
I’m not so sure Singapore girl is such a doormat, but instead just unfamiliar with Mean Girl behaviors. At least now it sounds like she’s starting to be aware that she’s being mistreated and doing something about it. Good for her. I just worry that, now that her parents are involved, it will get more complicated for her. Bad enough that Singapore girl has to deal with Mean Girls, but now also have to deal with Singapore Parents.</p>
<p>This will go a long way with the mother. An academic authority figure reassuring her that her daughter is doing well is all she will need to let it go, imho. This will be her main concern.</p>
<p>As for your daughter, make sure she understands she cannot “save” her friend and has done all the right things and needs to make sure not to get overly sucked into the drama. Roommate drama can be really draining and is best avoided. YMMV</p>
<p>As a Singaporean, this whole thing makes me cringe. I don’t necessarily agree that it’s a conservative or traditional society, except superficially. But the norms are definitely different, and it seems like both moms have pressed exactly the wrong buttons, intentionally or otherwise. I agree that the girl is not a doormat, just unsure of where the appropriate social boundaries are and how much action she can take in order to alleviate her situation. (The appropriate Singaporean reaction in this situation is the one that does not lead to anything resembling a confrontation or ultimatum. That might be why the girl has approached this situation so cautiously. I can understand how it might seem doormat-like in an American context.)</p>
<p>Additionally, I would not call the Singaporean parent under pretty much any circumstances - let the advisor do that. Singaporeans are not as conservative as we’re reputed to be but do place an importance on keeping up appearances. I suspect the mom’s exaggerated reaction is as much a result of the fact that another parent took the trouble to call her as the boyfriend discussion itself; if you call, even just to put in a good word for the daughter, the reaction is likely to be: “oh no, it must be really bad and word must be getting round about her ‘behavior’ if someone thinks I needed to hear good things about my daughter.” What you say wouldn’t matter - what would is that you felt the need to make the call. The advisor can call in a purely professional capacity and that makes all the difference.</p>
<p>Such a sorry state of affairs. I also believe it’s totally inappropriate for parents to tattle to parents of room mates–when will the kiddos grow up? Why should one intervene in kiddo’s battles?</p>
<p>These girls sound awful and your D will sleep better if she helps get it resolved. There are many good suggestions–D writing a letter to Singapore mom, D & Singapore & 3rd party meeting with 2 meannies & RA or other housing authority. Maybe it would even be a good idea for your D & Singapore to consider moving to a unit for two so they won’t have to deal with those awful girls–if housing can arrange it. YUCK! Sorry your D has to deal with it, but it will make her a stronger and better person for helping resolve things so the tension will dissapate.</p>
<p>I would not call Singapore Mom. However, I would likely call Mean Girl Mom and tell her to stay out of the kid’s business. This is not high school. No judgement on her daughter’s crappy behavior, just a reflection of the Mom’s behavior which is totally out of line. Mom’s involvement and her behavior is unacceptable and she needs to be confronted otherwise it may continue. Meanwhile I agree that D should get out of the room. So should Singapore girl. This is only going to get worse.</p>
<p>“Speaking up” or talking in any shape or form to anybody/everybody will not make ANY difference whatsoever. There are only 2 effective ways to resolve any conflict: split or ignore. Talking never make any difference, actions do.</p>
<p>It’s hard,but moms should not be involved .Anything that happens at college should be dealt with by the RA or administration .How else do kids learn to deal with life?Can’t the bullied girl request a change of room?</p>
<p>Thank you every one for your input. There are no extra rooms school still has students in hotels.Possible next semester.Singapore girl does not think as of now she will be back next semester. When she told my D roommate the response was "oh,okay we’ll have a meeting and talk about it."Do not think she has discussed it with her roommate.I do not intend on calling any mother as I said before it was wishful thinking on my part.Just wish Singapore mom could know that girls friendship has changed since school started and the two girls have been mean to Singapore girl.</p>
<p>Why were Mom phone number’s exchanged in the first place? My roommates and I have each other’s numbers and that’s it. The parents may see each other on move in day and parent visiting weekend, but other than that there doesn’t need to be any contact between parent sets. </p>
<p>Even if my roommate and I are fighting, my mother only hears it from me (if i feel she needs to know) and in that case, she won’t be able to call my roommate’s mother because she doesn’t have the ability to, not that she’d want to really.</p>
<p>This situation is bad though… Suites aren’t good for people who get bad suitemates and can’t stand up for themselves.</p>
<p>I exchanged phone numbers with the mom of S’s room mates–freshman year & junior year. It was “just in case,” and we never got involved in any issues between the kids. We did try to help them explore their options when they had landlord troubles after moving out junior year but left it to them to decide how hard to fight to get their deposit back (they decided not to bother).</p>
<p>Suites can be dicey, since it means that there are more personalities to have to deal with. It does sound attractive and can be a great option for many as well. My D & her friends have not had any problems with suites and managed to work things out with everyone they’ve lived with, even folks from other countries & cultures. RAs really do need to do more to help out when situations like these arise. It’s unfortunate that more hasn’t been done by housing.</p>
<p>Good point. I would never think to ask for the phone number or e-mail address of one of my kids’ roommates. I have only had contact information for one mom, and that was because I already knew her – she and my daughter attended the same high school.</p>
<p>The only thing my mom has ever asked for (and I’ve never given it to her anyway) is the phone number of my roommate so if i don’t call or text for a long time or answer the phone (enough so that its worrisome), she can get in touch with someone. I have never given her the number, but I have given her a friend’s number instead.</p>
<p>Edit: I’m realizing how many typos I have in this and my other posts… That’s what I get for only using a laptop and now trying to type on a regular keyboard… Sorry in advance.</p>
<p>If the Singapore students’ parents were here at move in I wouldn’t be surprised if they initiated the exchange of phone numbers - after all, they are half a world away and if they can’t get in touch with their child they would like to have another adult’s phone number who lives relatively near by as a back up…Too bad this friendly trust has been abused.</p>
<p>I really think Little Miss Meany is planning to enjoy her private room once the parents pack this poor girl off to Singapore. I do not think that contact, however well intentioned, from another parent or the OP’s daughter will help the girl from Singapore. It will only make the family feel that something is even more wrong because everyone is talking about it. A call from the school or an academic advisor will hopefully reassure the parents. I really hope the girl from Singapore is able to continue her education as planned.</p>
<p>My parents and roommates parents did swap numbers, in case of an emergency. As far as I know the numbers were never used. I think it is generally more of a, if my son or daughter is missing, then I might use it, kinda thing. I’ve seen it come in handy for those kinds of things quite frankly (knew a guy that dropped out and ran off to NYC without telling parents…)</p>
<p>I agree with bchan1 that the trust has been misused terribly. Very sad situation that this girl and her mother could be so mean.</p>
<p>College students are adults. Young adults, but adults. Some parents haven’t quite figured out yet that it’s time to power down the helicopters and put them away. </p>
<p>Outside of some sort of emergency there is no reason for parents to be involved in college affairs, and especially not the affairs of someone that’s not even your own child. </p>
<p>Parents can play a very important support role during this stage of a young adult’s life, but there’s a huge difference between a parent providing support and advice when asked for it and a parent hovering around in the mom-copter 2000.</p>