I think there are many things that have contributed to a lack of kindness/politeness in our communities. I do think social media contributes. We are constantly being bombarded with items that seem designed to enrage us - all specifically tailored according to an algorithm. At first it was just FB, now it seems to be Instagram as well. Video games, AI - we don’t see people as human any longer. Technology through AI and video games - all designed to appeal to people’s darker natures. When I have visited my D and we’re just walking in a congested area, she has been rude to other pedestrians to the point I’m embarrassed. From her POV, it’s just big city life.
I think, too, when you try to deal politely with people there are some people who just don’t care. They are going to be jerks no matter what. There was a group who met every day to let their dogs run off-leash for exercise in the field near my house. On numerous occasions, these dogs would approach my leashed dogs. “Oh, my dog is just friendly”…”he never does this”…on and on and on. Initially I was polite and asked that they be mindful of the leash laws in our community. No change. My H finally contacted animal control and the group was told to stop. Their response was to send me anonymous hate mail, blaming me for ending their activities. I’m not losing sleep over it.
I no longer use FB. I am ready to stop using Instagram. I rarely watch television any longer, especially the news. I prefer to read sources I think I can trust - I don’t want to be angry all the time. I think back to my historiography classes and remind myself that everything has a spin or a slant. I don’t want to become desensitized to the use of racial slurs or the demonization of certain ethnic groups. I don’t want to stop caring about people and their feelings.
The worst/rudest offenders in my neighborhood are also the off leash dog people and the bicyclists. These are the groups that as a whole feel like the rules don’t apply to them, and seem to get enraged if they are called out on it, no matter how nicely they are approached. I’ve given up even trying and will pick up my dog and cross the street, and I don’t walk him anywhere near where the off leashers congregate. The bikes, I will just plant myself on the sidewalk and force them to go around me, but not say anything. I’ve been called all kinds of names but there are signs all over town that bicycling is not permitted on the side walks and we have bike lanes everywhere too.
Probably most adult bicycle riders also drive (or have driven) cars. In both cases, their lack of obedience to traffic laws seems to be based on whatever they think they can get away with. For example, making a full and complete stop at a stop sign (or right turn on red light) is rare these days.
Don’t forget as a social media user you have the choice to greatly edit what you are consuming. Take an hour or whatever it takes and mute or unfollow any friends/accounts that contribute to your anxiety/anger/worry. Keep the cooking accounts, the decorating ones, the dancing accounts - whatever you follow or like that gives you mental break and joy.
You can control to a good degree what is there to consume.
Too quick to anger!
We recently returned from a vacation. We were not using our normal airport so hired a driver. The fare was $150 each way which I prepaid in two separate installments before we left. Our flight got diverted at the last minute due to storms ,and the driver ended up waiting 3.5 hrs for us. We had already thought that we owed him another $150. ( 3.5 hrs was approximately the time for him to make a round trip.) Not sure if that was right , I asked him what we owed for his extra time as he dropped off. He said the fare was $150, so I Venmod another $150.
This is the texted I received.
I went out of my way to wait for your plane. I could have left you stranded but I never have nor would I.
How can you be so ******* cheap not to tip me.
NEVER contact me again because you are permanently banned from my business and I will pass this along. I will embarrass you on purpose.
It took me a few messages back and forth, but I realized he didn’t remember I had pd for the pick up already and it was a tip of $150! His response ,”my apologies , I get a lot of Venmo’s!
In our area, the main issue was large groups of riders taking up the entire lane/road rather than staying in the bicycle lane. The riders rarely moved to accommodate vehicles and, reportedly, made impolite remarks & gestures to those who approached them.
Apparently, the governing council received many complaints from residents about the bicycle riders, who typically come from other towns or cities in our metro area, that someone must have communicated with the largest bicycle riding clubs as they are now polite and respectful toward non-bike riders.
As a side-note: The most polite & respectful visitors to our town are motorcycle riders.
AAA recently published a study that claims 96% of drivers admit to driving aggressively at times. BUT they’re including glaring at other drivers who annoy them…
This is obviously antidotal, but we do a lot of camping and definitely experience a different level of rudeness depending on where we are. For example, we just spent two weeks traveling from PA to the UP in Michigan and back. Hands down, the folks in Michigan were the friendliest - on the roads, on the trails, in the campgrounds, in restaurants etc. Ohio - not so much. It was such a stark contrast.
“Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you’ll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.”
The transition of the US from a high trust to a low trust society (where people assume the worst rather than the best of their interlocutors) has been underway for decades. Joan Didion wrote about it in Slouching Towards Bethlehem in the late 1960s.
Michigan – Ohio. One of these is not like the other. 
Go Blue!
Decades ago on our honeymoon in the 1980s, we noticed when we crossed the border between the US and Canada, the drivers were MUCH MORE POLITE, yes, in Canada and there was a lot less litter too. It was very marked and we really saw a difference! When we went back about 13 years ago, the difference wasn’t as pronounced.
Yes, thank you for describing what I am feeling so accurately. I am constantly telling my 20-something kids and employees that when I was their age, I was enjoying my life, job, friends. I was not worried about existential threats of all types.
I also think there are other things at play. It’s easier to be rude when you aren’t face to face with people. Most of us spend a LOT of our day interacting with screens.
Forty years ago, you had to get your groceries in person (no screen to select what you wanted), had to draft memos and ask an assistant to type them up, call people on the phone and ask to speak to the person you wanted to reach, see neighbors walking their dog or at the Y (no online fitness classes), go to the bank to deposit checks or get cash or solve a problem (no chat bot), order a coffee and snack from a person not an app.
All of these real interactions kept us adept at social things and seeing people as fellow humans. Behind screens it is so much easier to get mad or frustrated. I think this carries over to so many things. We have social “muscles” that have atrophied.
Also, a lot of the programming and systems that we are ruled and constrained by are honestly infuriating. You start off mildly annoyed and after going through unhelpful menus end up pretty upset and then a hapless customer service person who apologizes and says that’s how the system is leaves you pretty unhapppy.
You are right about the transitions over the decades from a face to face society to a society with systems in place to NOT be face to face to a degree.
But this is what we have. We likely aren’t going backwards enough to it like the “olden days”. We have to self-correct for these “advances”.
I just saw a friend on FB say something like “God help me to zip my lips and not say anything to the crazies out there”. I wanted to respond, “NO, don’t zip your lips! Evaluate the situation and if it’s safe (for you), comment, model, suggest other forms of communication person-to-person.” Maybe we don’t do this to the person on the street - cause we don’t know if it’s safe! But at the workplace, within family, maybe your neighborhood….don’t completely walk away and let rude or unfiltered behavior win.
It has become acceptable to ignore decorum and go with your “feel at the moment”. Ridiculous and is the cause of increased angst today - it feeds on itself.
How many times have you suffered through customer service run by a robot? Or been on a phone tree just trying to ask a simple question? And after 30 min before you finally get a REAL person (who sometimes can’t help either), you just want to scream at them. Need to do banking?–go make an appointment on-line. But it’s only a two second question! Go make an appointment.
Forget the cable company. Do any business? Download the app, make an account, do a password, wait for a phone text. Just general life can be infuriating. Yes, it’s great to get groceries delivered–until you have to spend an extra hour because the order is screwed up. etc. etc. You don’t even have to leave the house to get frustrated.
And AI will make it worse eventually when you realize the conversation you’re having on the phone is going in circles because it’s a bot and not a person.
As for geography, my town is very friendly. You say good morning to strangers. You aren’t afraid to start conversations. People say please and thank you. They hold doors open for each other. When my D was in NY she said she held the door for someone and they looked at her like she had two heads.
I often say, “Technology is great, except when it isn’t”. It seems like the cost-benefit ratio is moving in the wrong direction
On FB you would just be unfriended, on reddit you would be instantly banned, and if it’s your kids they could declare no contact and feel justified that it’s all your fault and you need to apologize profusely for having an opposing viewpoint or giving advice.
Well, that’s one way to look at it….negatively.
I personally rarely engage in any controversial stuff on FB - and if anyone feels the need to unfriend me for ANY reason, GO FOR IT. I’m talking about face to face talk. My kids would not (never say never but…) ever walk away from me for an opposing view because they have been taught - by example - how to oppose a view with facts and grace.
I’m not naive. But I also take great pride in being told (actually by one of my kids!) that something that describes me is that in most situations I am kind but not nice. I will do everything in the name of being kind to those that give the same back or deserve the chance to be kind, but I am not “nice” to the point of of being run over. I can be very firm, not afraid to speak up and model fairness.
Maybe and yes. Maybe people seem ruder and yes people seem more easily angered, which may be part of the reason why people seem ruder. Not everyone has the same ideas about social niceties or the focus on following them. If we are passing each other on the sidewalk and I don’t smile and say hello am I being rude? And does that / should that really matter to you that you perceive me that way. Are you justified in getting angry about our interaction? I think more people more often these days feel like they are justified at getting angry when they’re offended by something someone has said or done. Instead of just letting it go and moving on. So they respond in anger. Repeat. Social media is filled with people’s long descriptions of interactions that have offended them or that they think are wrong even if it doesn’t actually impact them/someone they care about . Things happening on airplanes seem extremely popular, and I often feel some or even many of them are made up for views. Personally I’ve recently tried to be more aware of what I say to strangers, especially when I have a valid complaint so that maybe the person will listen instead of dismissing me as another “Karen” since I fit the stereotype. I try to work in some compliments and an apology and not sound defensive. Although I really only began doing that as I became aware of people tending to get angrier, and out of fear of things escalating to damage or violence.