<p>Does she drive? Is she able? Does she have a license? There was a couple that were dear friends of ours down the street. He doted on her. She was afraid to drive and had some other anxieties too. He took her everywhere at her whim. He was always there to help her. Because he was so involved in all of her comings and goings, I’m sure their behavior looked odd to people who might not have known the whole story.</p>
<p>I’m just saying…we don’t know the whole story.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I think you hit the nail on the head. I don’t think there is any abuse going on.</p>
<p>My problem is that I like to talk to her about things that I would rather not discuss with her husband. But since he reads her e-mail and listens in on phone calls, this makes it nearly impossible. Whenever we get together, he’s there so it makes it difficult to have a private conversation. I think it’s time for me to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about this if I can ever do this when he’s not around.</p>
<p>He reads her emails before she gets up in the morning, then he talks to her about them.
He will also read them while he’s at work during the day.
Sometimes when I send her an e-mail, I get a response from him.
It’s a bit unsettling.
I have to be very careful when I send e-mails to her to make sure I don’t say anything I don’t want him to read.
I specifically put her name at the top of the emails but he reads them anyway.
The other day I wrote to her about this delicious dessert that I had for dinner. He responded to this email and said “aren’t you watching your weight?”
Now that I know that… I guess I’m going to have to stop sending emails to her.
However, when I call her, her H will listen in on the other end of the phone and make comments.
So calls are out also.
My husband knows this couple very well also, and he believes that her husband is a very controlling person.
It seems that whenever she goes somewhere, he goes with her.
he goes with her to run errands, to work related meetings in the evening and on weekends, and to craaft classes.
He even goes with her to the beauty salon.
He sits in a chair right next to her at the salon.
In over 30+ years I’ve never seen a husband sit next to their wife when whe’s having her hair done.
She’s a very outgoing and friendly person, but he is quiet and doesn’t have any friends of his own.
It’s obviously something that is bothering me.
Although some of this does point to an abusive relationship, I would actually be quite shocked if that was the case.
One of my favorite relatives is currently in an abusive and controlling relationship… HE’s ESSENTIALLY CUT HER OFF FROM … HER FRIENDS. (my emphasis)
I don’t think there is any abuse going on.
But since he reads her email and listens in on phone calls, this makes it nearly impossible.
Whenever we get together, he’s there so it makes it difficult to have a private conversation.</p>
<p>If your friend’s husband was doing one or two of these things it might be nothing other than a couple with different boundaries than yours. But reading all these statements, along with your own gut feelings and your description of an abusive relationship where the abuser cut a woman off from her friends?</p>
<p>There is more to this than boundaries. </p>
<p>Heck, he’s controlling YOUR behavior, too.</p>
<p>Can you go somewhere as two couples, and have your husband drag him away for a bit so the two of you can talk? Could you go to a movie just the two of you, a chick flick he wouldn’t want to see? Something else he would not want to do? Can you call her at work where he can’t listen in?</p>
<p>If you can do that, then you can explain that you’d like more private time with her, and see how she responds. I’d also ask how she feels about their constant togetherness, and if she feels controlled or unsafe. Maybe she doesn’t have the same need for private friend-time that you do, and their arrangement suits her. </p>
<p>But I agree with sseamom. I wouldn’t assume there’s no abuse going on, whether emotional control or physical. Plenty of abuse is not obvious to onlookers, as I know from the experience of several women in my family. She may need someone to turn to, if not now, then later. And it can be hard to get help if you’re never alone, even on the phone or in email.</p>
<p>“My problem is that I like to talk to her about things that I would rather not discuss with her husband. But since he reads her e-mail and listens in on phone calls, this makes it nearly impossible. Whenever we get together, he’s there so it makes it difficult to have a private conversation. I think it’s time for me to have a heart-to-heart talk with her about this if I can ever do this when he’s not around.”</p>
<p>How do you think it would go down if you emailed her, “Hey, can we go get coffee, just the girls? I have a lot going on right now that I’d like to talk to a female friend about.” Then, you wouldn’t have to deal with his reaction on the phone, it would be in an email. She would have to deal with it. I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t say yes. And then if she brought him, that would be quite rude. Then it would be a time to be honest and have that conversation. Maybe not the, “Your husband being around all the time is creepy and weird,” conversation, but the, “There are things I’d like to talk about with just you, not your husband. How do I get to talk to just you?” Seems inoffensive enough.</p>
<p>I don’t like to be confrontational or hurt people’s feelings, but it seems that there is a way to get some alone time with your friend without upsetting anyone.</p>
<p>OP, you could invite your “friend” to a zumba or pilates class and get a few moments to chat with her inside the ladies locker room. </p>
<p>When you get a chance to talk to your friend privately, pls. be prepared that she may not actually desire the same level of closeness that you seek, that she may have purposely put her H as a barrier between you and her. You also have concluded that the H has no friends and he has attached his hip to hers. How do you even know that unless you monitor their activities 24/7.</p>
<p>The guy sounds creepy as all get out. Cannot believe that women in this day and age would find this acceptable in a relationship.</p>
<p>I would tell my friend that while she doesn’t feel uncomfortable with her husband reading her emails you do having him read yours.</p>
<p>It doesn’t matter what you are talking about. It could be flea dipping the dog or politics. And if my friends husband made a “joke” about my weight in what inthoughtnwas a private email, i would sooo call him on it. And it wasn’t a joke or a tease regarding the weight, it was a potentially hurtful comment, and he well knew it, I would ask why it was his business what I weighed or ate. </p>
<p>The husband is either abusive or a sad little man, or both. But he seems to be passive aggressive, passive in his demeanor but aggressive in his control. The worst combo because you never know where you stand.</p>
<p>Why does this man need to read his wife’s email every day? I’m sensing a control issue here. Not necessarily abusive, but a control freak.</p>
<p>It would not occur to my H to read my email (he a pretty non-nosy person) and I don’t read his unless we ask each other to or forward something.</p>
<p>My wife and I share a common e-mail, and always have. It just isn’t an issue. (we both have “traveling” emails, which either of us could read, but we’ve just never thought of it as as an issue.)</p>
<p>Since he’s listening in on all her phone calls, I take it she does not have a cell phone? Another way for him to maintain control. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Agree x1000. Does he follow her into the bathroom too?</p>
<p>For those who think this is just a display of wonderful marital intimacy, here’s the test: is the OP’s friend permitted to log into her husband’s email account, answer his emails, and listen in on the extension during his telephone conversations, if she would like?</p>