<p>emeraldkity4 –</p>
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<p>Oh come on. I see all kinds of threads on the Parent Cafe on almost every subject under the sun. Why do you object to mine? It’s obviously something that is bothering me because he is reading and responding to the personal e-mails I’m sending to my friend. I wanted to get some advice and feedback.</p>
<p>I think the email thing is the least of it. Not being able to go shopping, get your hair done, or attend work-related meetings without him is downright weird. </p>
<p>He obviously doesn’t trust her. He accompanies her to work-related meetings in the evening? I wonder how her work colleagues feel about that.</p>
<p>OP, thank you for posting more specifics about the e-mail situation after 70 posts. Also, interesting that the husband has morphed into an eavesdropper, his wifes de facto bodyguard and someone who has no friends! :o</p>
<p>I didn’t want to get further involved in this discussion, but now that I’ve seen aquamarinesea’s latest posts I’m going to.</p>
<p>Your friend’s husband, as you describe him, is abusive. He is probably physically abusive, but certainly he is emotionally abusive. If you get involved in trying to come between them, the abuse will escalate. He probably already views you as a threat, but certainly if you press the issue of wanting your friend to have privacy he will see you as a threat, and you will discover that your access to your friend will be cut off. She may end the friendship, or he may tell you to stop bothering her.</p>
<p>I have known a couple of abused women. One is one of my closest friends, and a few were aquaintances whose situations I did not recognize as abusive at the time.</p>
<p>Be there for your friend. Do not push her about wanting more privacy before or until she is ready. Find out about local resources for abused women, and be ready to help her when she is ready. If you choose to talk with her about this do not do so in a way that her husband can possibly find out. </p>
<p>By the way, my close friend finally walked out of her marriage. Her ex viewed me as the person who talked her into leaving. He is a charming, mean, alcoholic, mentally ill person, and he did whatever he could to ruin his ex’s and my own reputation. I lived across the street from him, and one night after a phone argument with his soon to be ex he slashed the tires on MY car. Fortunately, he eventually spiraled down far enough that he lost that house in forclosure and spent time in jail for a third DWI. My friend is now remarried to a lovely man.</p>
<p>So be careful how you handle this situation.</p>
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<p>Maybe so.</p>
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<p>I always thought it was supposed to be about a romantic relationship, but I never researched the song to find out.</p>
<p>I wasn’t objecting to the thread- obviously as long as something isn’t political you can ask about anything you want on CC.
I was just surprised that anyone still thought any communication sent over the internet was private.
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<p>^^^^^I know it’s vulnerable to hacking, etc., but my personal emails are private with regard to my husband as he doesn’t ask to read them and doesn’t have my password, and the same is true for me. In that sense, they are private.</p>
<p>Eastc’s post is spot-on. This sounds like an abusive relationship; the signs are all there.</p>
<p>OP here. Although some of this does point to an abusive relationship, I would actually be quite shocked if that was the case. But you never know what is going on in people’s personal lives. I’ll be careful.</p>
<p>One of my favorite relatives is currently in an abusive and controlling relationship. She’s in her 70’s. Her H died and now she is involved with this man who has taken complete control of her life. He’s essentially cut her off from her adult children, other relatives, and her friends. She’s left him several times but she keeps going back. Her kids have had an intervention with her, but to no avail. I hate to see her going through this. She is such a kind and thoughtful woman.</p>
<p>Abuse is not always physical and she may not know she is in an emotionally abusive relationship. But call a spade a spade. If she has no freedom or no rights to any privacy, it’s not normal and is controlling and abusive.</p>
<p>“Although some of this does point to an abusive relationship, I would actually be quite shocked if that was the case.”</p>
<p>Maybe you’re too close to it and have seen it for too long to see the signs, but as someone who spent time IN an abusive relationship AND who counseled victims or domestic violence, I can tell you with certainty that it ALREADY IS abusive! Someone who is allowed NO PRIVACY in her communications and dealings with others, even at work, is being completely controlled, and that is abuse. You do not need to have bruises to be abused. </p>
<p>That said, you cannot make someone leave such a situation, all you can do is make sure she understands that you are there for her should she decide to do so (if you want to be-leaving is when things get the most dangerous for the victim and her friends). It’s really scary that she’s never left alone at ALL-it’s that much harder to leave when someone is with you every minute. Perhaps you can contact her at work and give her the number to a local domestic violence hotline. Make sure she leaves the card at work. </p>
<p>She may not even realize she IS abused, and will be insulted. Don’t back off-tell her you’re worried for her and you hope she will be ok. That happened to me-I knew, deep down what was going on, but it took a good friend telling me he KNEW what was going on and that he was there for me if I ever wanted to leave. It took a full year before I felt strong enough to do so. I credit my friend, wherever he is, with literally saving my life.</p>
<p>I would actually not say this is abuse (based on the OP solely) if this is an arrangement that they have set up that she doesn’t mind. Different people have different boundaries.</p>
<p>OP, you can talk to her and raise your concerns. See what she has to say.</p>
<p>I agree with romani. I haven’t seen anything here that says the husband is trying to shut the wife off from others relationships or control her, but just be a constant (albeit annoying to friends) companion. Without knowing the couple, I wouldn’t have an idea of whether this was some sort of abuse, or a husband who is just lonely, clingy and the wife is willing to let him be a part of every aspect of her life. Different boundaries, a different relationship that may seem weird to others, but they may just be very close.</p>
<p>Do you think it is abuse, or just an overly clingy husband? I feel kind of sorry for the husband, actually, if he really has no friends and nothing going on in his life but his wife.</p>
<p>I’ve never heard of this kind of situation, up to and including WORK-RELATED meetings, that DIDN’T involve control that was abusive. If it’s not, both of these people have boundary issues. I would still find a way to contact the wife AWAY from this guy and tell her I’m there to help if she wants it. If she’s really not being abused and velcroed to him in this way and is perfectly ok with it, I’d put some serious distance between us.</p>
<p>We’re outsiders looking in. The only one who really knows what’s going on is OP’s friend. From the outside, things can look weird in strange contexts and all we’re going on is the OP’s interpretation. </p>
<p>And fwiw, my dad goes with my mom when she gets her hair dyed. He’s the least controlling person I’ve ever met but they’re really best friends. They legitimately like to hang out with one another. Weird to the outside? Never really thought about it.</p>
<p>OP: What sort of work does your friend do?? Because in my experience, no one’s spouse or partner should be going with them to work-related meetings. No one.</p>
<p>^^^^^I was wondering the same. In my career, if my husband tried to attend a meeting, he would be promptly shown the door and my boss would think I had a screw loose. But in her career, it might make some kind of sense.</p>
<p>romani, my parents are the same way. Though they have things they go to individually if the other isn’t interested, most anything is fair game for the other to follow. They only have one car (by choice, though they have plenty of money), they share email accounts, listen in on phone calls, and they have been married over 50 years. They fight quite regularly, but it seems to be purely for sport.</p>
<p>And they are weird in so many ways, and on so many levels I couldn’t even list them all. They are “one of a kind”, that’s for sure, never any boredom in their lives. They live in a way that I couldn’t even fathom, but they seem happy most of the time, so who am I to question?</p>
<p>Just to put things in context - this tidbit came from this:</p>
<p>“It seems that whenever she goes somewhere, he goes with her. He goes with her to run errands, to work-related meetings in the evening and on weekends, and to craft classes…”</p>
<p>Work related meetings in the evening and on weekends - doesn’t necessarily mean sitting around a conference table, with only company members. It may mean business dinners (which it’s really not TERRIBLY unusual for spouses to attend). We don’t know what business she’s in, and what’s appropriate or not appropriate. </p>
<p>Honestly, I think all of this is just blown out of proportion.</p>
<p>My email can be left up on the screen on my computer, and if my husband sees an email from a mutual friend, he might read it, and if he feels like teasing her about the contents, he might do it. We have mutual friends, and text each other in three way conversations. I pick on his friends too. I’ve gone with him when he got his hair cut and sat in the chair next to him…I’m sorry, none of this necessarily means anything except she seems to be content to have him involved in pretty much every aspect of her life. That’s her call.</p>
<p>Work-related meetings in the evening and on weekends might be because she is a real estate agent, or a decorator, or lots of things. Nevertheless, I think it’s absolutely bizarre for him to attend her meetings. That’s why I’m curious to know what her work entails.</p>
<p>It really sounds to me like he doesn’t trust her to be out and about on her own. I agree with those who suggest this is a form of abuse – even if she doesn’t mind it.</p>