<p>It is natural for you to be worried, but it is normal for college students to flirt, cuddle, experiment, etc. Driving to her school is a bit excessive. Talking to her via phone and suggesting she see a doctor would be a better reaction. Talking about condoms is also important since pregnancy isn’t the only thing you want to protect her from. As for her being touched - she has to make that decision. You can’t tell her when it’s right or wrong for her to be involved sexually, as that is a very personal decision. It might be your culture, religion, or personal beliefs, but her body is hers to give. As I said before - you can’t control people, but you can try to educate.</p>
<p>You keep describing her as so simple that I wonder if she has some sort of disability and is unable to properly consent? That would change my tone and the advice I give. But if that is not the case, and you just see her as extremely innocent…she needs to grow up sometime. Just help her to do so safely.</p>
<p>Does your daughter have some sort of disability? I’m asking because I know that sometimes, people with high-functioning autism are capable of high-quality academic work, but are nonetheless handicapped in interpersonal relationships. They can be naive, literal-minded and gullible, not realizing that other people are lying to them. A young woman like that can be vulnerable to sexual assault, or to becoming entangled in unhealthy sexual relationships.</p>
<p>You are not overreacting if your daughter is as naive and inexperienced as you describe. While it is possible the relationship has not gone past the cuddling, sleeping-only phase, you are right to worry about the next phase–sex.</p>
<p>If your daughter is too shy to go to the student health clinic/ob-gyn doctor to ask for birth control, you must take her yourself. If time is of the essence, bring her condoms,and an informational book about sexual reproduction which also discusses the emotional and psychological effects.</p>
<p>It is not your role to contact the boy directly- that will just infuriate your daughter and increase her feelings toward him. Talk to her, for hours if necessary. It sounds as if these difficult topics have been ignored or avoided during her formative years.</p>
<p>She does sound vulnerable- lonely and away from home. Be sure to tell her she can ask or tell you ANYTHING. If she can discuss the delicate questions of love, sex, birth control and STDs with you, she can can protect herself .
Unplanned pregnancy, disease, exploitation, these are real threats to college women, so give her resources, support, and encouragement. Hopefully you two will develop better communication. Best of luck.</p>
<p>If this post is real, I would recommend a couple of things:</p>
<p>1)Get her to go to planned parenthood or the school health service and have them give her a rundown on birth control methods. For example, birth control pills from what I know take a while to become effective, so she can’t start taking them day 1 and be protected. They also aren’t foolproof, if she goes on antibiotics that can make the pills ineffective and she has to be careful.</p>
<p>Like others, I also would recommend if she is having sex to make sure the guy uses condoms. Besides STD’s, it also is a backup in case she forgets to take the pill or takes antibiotics or something. </p>
<p>It’s not clear from your posts if your daughter is just very sheltered and naïve, or if she has some sort of cognitive or emotional impairment. If it’s the former, then you have a lot of catching up to do because you should have prepared her years ago for the things she would eventually face out in the world. However, it’s not too late to start. At the very least, she must be told to say no if she doesn’t want to do something. If she says no and the boy tries to have sex with her anyway, that’s rape and she needs to recognize this.</p>
<p>If she chooses to have sex, that is her choice, but she must also choose to do it safely. She shouldn’t spend any more time with this boy until she has gone to health services to talk about and choose a birth control option. And yes, if this were my child, I would pay for birth control, even though I wouldn’t approve of her choice to have sex.</p>
<p>If your daughter has a disability of some kind, she is especially vulnerable to being assaulted or taken advantage of, and you may need to enlist the help of her school. There is no way I’d send a kid I thought of as “simple” 7 or 8 hours away to college without some kind of help. If that is not in place, you need to start with the school’s disability office.</p>
<p>It sounds as if you are from a more conservative country, but what your daughter is doing is very common in US colleges and universities. If you’re not sure she knows what she’s getting into, then yes, you do need to help her. </p>
<p>Is this sexual assault? She is in the stage “rebel against parents”. There are a few things I asked not to do and remind her it is risky to do etc. But I think the best is probably have someone talk to her. Whom?</p>
<p>“I suspect that even if she is personally “backward” when it comes to relationships, she may still know quite a lot about sex in general. Just living in a dorm for several years leads to sex education by osmosis…really, it’s just in the air.”</p>
<p>^^^I would say this is definitely not true. It depends a lot on who you are around. Yes, sometimes you hear things, but it varies a lot by social group. For example, my roommates and I, definitely did not talk about sex - maybe an passing mention, but definitely not details and nothing that would ‘educate’ someone who didn’t already have education on this subject. We were all randomly placed together, by the way, and were not a part of some special dorm and not a part of the same religion or culture or anything like that (and this was a top national school, not a religious school). However, none of us were having sex. One girl for religious reasons. Myself for non-relgious, but personal value reasons. And the other girl, because she did not want to sleep with someone unless it was extremely serious. So, it wasn’t really something we discussed.</p>
<p>The point I am trying to make is that, yes, you do hear things in college, but I would not assume that someone who knew nothing about sex all over sudden know quite a lot, just because they are in college.</p>
<p>"Is this sexual assault? She is in the stage “rebel against parents”. There are a few things I asked not to do and remind her it is risky to do etc. But I think the best is probably have someone talk to her. Whom? "</p>
<p>At this point, telling her not to do something will not do anything - it’s her choice. The best you can do is just talk to her, forbidding something will not do any good. Ultimately, it IS her choice, and she has to make that choice based on HER values, not her parents values. I think it’s OK to tell her your perspective, but she is old enough to have her own values.</p>
<p>From the pragmatics of the OP’s posts, I wonder- is the OP from another country? Is the student in the US?
In general, a teen who is getting regular check ups with a health practitioner is being talked to about this ( it’s also up to the parents as well). For many of us parents, we remember that teen check up where we are asked to leave the room and let the teen and the practitioner talk alone. Many colleges make this information available to students and access to contraceptives is available at every college student health center I have heard of. I realize that parents and families have different feelings about this, but information is available, and it is up to the student to decide to access it. I believe that birth control pills are covered under the Affordable Care Act, and although one needs a prescription, I don’t think the student pays much out of pocket for the pills.</p>
<p>Ideally, this type of discussion begins long before a student leaves for college, but perhaps in different countries and cultures, this is different. Could it be that the OP is from another country and now has a child in a US college dealing with different cultural attitudes?</p>
<p>Does this young lady have a cognitive disability that affects her judgement and leaves her vulnerable to predators? In this case, perhaps she needs to be at home or with a guardian who can assure her safety. I’m not just considering boyfriends, but there are other ways people can take advantage of her. Most 20 year old college students are capable of taking care of this aspect of their lives. In the US, the sexual aspects of maturity in a child with disabilities is also discussed during regular health assessments, and if that person is in the situation to be sexually active, the birth control is chosen according to their needs. </p>
<p>If she has been intimate with this boy, then she needs a physical to be checked for pregnancy and also STD’s. At this time, birth control can be discussed and decided on. If she has not yet, then she still needs this visit, as she may be soon or she is at risk to be coerced into it. In general, such a visit is confidential but with her permission, a parent can be present.</p>
<p>If she doesn’t have a disability, and is fully capable of making this decision, then this not the parents’ domain unless she chooses to inform them.</p>
<p>It is sexual assault if he makes unwanted sexual advances towards her or she is not able to give consent (due to cognitive impairments, etc… not <em>generally</em> a worry for college students who can live on their own). </p>
<p>Having sex because mom doesn’t want her to is not sexual assault. </p>
<p>Ditto what scout said. I don’t want to make general sweeping statements so I’m trying to leave room for exceptions but speaking “in general” as it’s hard to figure out what’s really going on here. </p>
<p>she is low self esteem, please others, want to have a boyfriend as I can see from peer pressures. She was academically strong, had good friends in freshman. But probably due to her simplicity, in 2nd year, friends left, she went with different friends. 3rd year, went with yet another different friends. She judges things by what she hears. she does not read people’s mind. That is why I said she is simple. </p>
<p>Ok. Is SHE from a conservative country or was she born and raised here? </p>
<p>I’m going to get “if” scenarios so you don’t have to divulge too much information. If she had comprehensive sex ed in school (not a certainty by any means) then she probably knows how to obtain birth control and what types are out there. If it’s seen as “sinful” or “dirty” by your heritage/religion then it’s possible that she’s already on birth control but not telling you about it for fear of shame. </p>
<p>As she doesn’t have cognitive impairments, giving her teen literature on sex is probably not the way to go. Making the appointments with the gyno was a good idea but a month out is quite a ways away. She can go to a clinic on campus or any other family planning clinics and get a much sooner appt. Most Planned Parenthoods can get you in within a week. </p>
<p>I think we need to be sensitive to the cultural and possibly language differences here. Those of us from the US are aware of attitudes and how this situation is handled here. This can be quite different in other cultures. If the daughter is dating an American boy, then there could be huge cultural differences in play. </p>
<p>Although the D needs to go to student health, this could be overwhelming, particularly with the type of examination involved. If the OP can take her, great and if not, perhaps there is someone who is familiar with both cultures who can accompany her. Perhaps there is someone who helps with international students in either counseling, student life or student health. </p>
<p>The OP seems to be interested in getting her birth control. Yes, this is done here. There are many different family attitudes towards this in the US, but parents can and do discuss this with their daughters if this is what both decide, but the pill is by health practitioners prescription. With the D’s permission, the OP can take her to the doctor. </p>
<p>I agree that the school clinic might be a good place for her to go. Also, she may be less naive than you think. But she will need to see a doctor to choose a regular birth control method. The most effective methods are the semi-permanent ones, like an IUD (much less risky than when I was that age!) or the multi-month medications. (I realize that others have already mentioned this.)</p>
<p>I have friends with daughters that thought their virginity was an obstacle to overcome, and once they got rid of it, they were much more level-headed about what they wanted sex-wise. I mentioned to my daughter that sometimes early sexual experiences are not so pleasurable, that it can take time and experience, that there is no hurry whatsoever, and that I am there for her no matter what.</p>
<p>OP, maybe you can send her an email with various links with good information and suggest that she make a list of questions before she goes to the doctor. You can start with Planned Parenthood. I was very careful that however weird it was to talk about it, I always aswered my daughter’s questions about the mechanics of sex, and I told her that many times, young men and young women have different physical reactions, something good to remember. It’s much better to know than not to know.</p>
<p>Good luck and (((((hugs))))) to you and to her. You will get past this, both of you, and it will be fine.</p>